Joke of the day.

[Sarge47]

Two peanuts were walking down the road and one was assaulted !
That's nuts. :clap: :innocent: :winkiss:

[2dumb2kwit]

It turns out that folks around here are pretty dang sure of themselves!!! LOL


North Carolina Declares War on the USA


President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here in Greenville , North Carolina , I am callin' to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from the local VA Lodge. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s John Deere tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again about twenty minutes later.. " President Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harolds's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Well, nuts," said Archie, "l'll have to call you back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Obama ! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack . "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few beers, and come to realize that there's just no way in hell we can feed two million prisoners.."

[2dumb2kwit]

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker.
Billy Connolly -
Statement of the Century: "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

[BENESSE]

...'cause a headache is not a task? :rolleyes:

[Rick]

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_rOVSEI0eaOM/SUeTdfxhcOI/AAAAAAAABBw/CeGN3VmLcxY/santa+and+harry+cartoon.gif

[2dumb2kwit]

I may have posted this one, before...but what the heck.


100 mph goat

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

[Pal334]

Seems a guy cruises thru a stop sign, or whatever, and gets pulled over by a local policeman.
Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.
"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CHL permit. Are you carrying today?"
"Yes, I am."
"Well then, better tell me what you got."
Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."
"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"
"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."
"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"
"Nope."
"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"
"Not a d**n thing..."

[BENESSE]

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says."We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

[hunter63]

A white-haired widowed man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.



He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his friend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..


On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

All Seniors Aren't Senile

[Justin Case]

A white-haired widowed man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.



He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his friend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..


On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

All Seniors Aren't Senile

LOL good one !! :D

[Rick]

I just received an early Christmas present. My wife bought me an ATV!!!!!

http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/oldatv.jpg

[2dumb2kwit]

I just received an early Christmas present. My wife bought me an ATV!!!!!


Glad to see that you're wearing your hemmit! LOL

[2dumb2kwit]

Cletus & Billy Bob

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."

[Rick]

Looks like someone is getting a chunk of coal in their stocking this year.

http://www.bartcop.com/palin-mounted-rudolph.jpg

[Rick]

I got to visit with Santa at the mall yesterday. I've put in my request.

http://www.mudtrap.com/images/funny-santa-cartoon-graphic2.jpg

[canid]

that's where she was having trouble before: the caribou and salmon didn't have beacons on them.

[2dumb2kwit]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

[Rick]

A grand daughter's letter to Santa.

Dear Santa,

Please bring clothes for all those poor ladies on Grandpa's computer.

Love,

Chelsea

[Justin Case]

A grand daughter's letter to Santa.

Dear Santa,

Please bring clothes for all those poor ladies on Grandpa's computer.

Love,

Chelsea

ROFL !! hahahaha

[BENESSE]

* ATD: At The Doctor's

* BFF: Best Friend Farted

* BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

* BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM: Covered By Medicare

* CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

* DWI: Driving While Incontinent

* FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

* FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

* FYI: Found Your Insulin

* GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

* GHA: Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

* IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

* LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL: Living On Lipitor


* LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

* OMMR: On My Massage Recliner


* OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

* ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

* SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

* TTYL: Talk To You Louder

* WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

* WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

* WTP: Where's The Prunes?

* WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

[Justin Case]

Ha hahahaha,, going to spread this

[Sarge47]

*PCMD: Please change my Depends.

[Rick]

Year to date statistics on Airport pat-down screening from the TSA

Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Incontinence 6,418
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3

[Pal334]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean no sex since 1955! Come with me." She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterward, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

Gotta love military time

[2dumb2kwit]

I just got off the phone with a friend in North Dakota . He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all day.



He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

[BENESSE]

I just got off the phone with a friend in North Dakota . He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all day.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in .

...before she sets the house on fire with him in it, for warmth. :sneaky2:

[crashdive123]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

[BENESSE]

What is it about blonds?

[crashdive123]

What is it about blonds?

Don't know. Remember that beauty contestant's answer that was heard around the world?

http://peachiz1123.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/dumb-blonde.jpg

[BENESSE]

Hard to forget.

[2dumb2kwit]

Oh, and don't forget.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqi0DwNLJdM

[2dumb2kwit]

Is this one a blonde???

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jtjW78IUgOQ&feature=related

[BENESSE]

That was funny!

[Pal334]

Simple but Brilliant and full of Truths! Enjoy!
Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash with his best friend, Wylie Post, was probably the greatest political sage the U.S. ever has known.

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman . . . Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6.
If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

[Rick]

Oh, man. This is too funny.....No comments please, I don't want this to go political but it is funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6sNlO1eVFU&feature=player_embedded

[Pal334]

Should have warned me, now I have to clean my coffee off the screen :)

[2dumb2kwit]

Oh, man. This is too funny.....No comments please, I don't want this to go political but it is funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6sNlO1eVFU&feature=player_embedded

AAAAaaaahahahah.....I'll be back, in a minute. I've got to go share this! LOL


...Ohhhh Justin........

[hoosierarcher]

Two men walk into a bar.
The third man ducks.

[hoosierarcher]

A clown walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this some kind of Joke?"

[Sarge47]

Two cannibals are eating a clown, one says to the other: Does this taste funny to you? :confused1:

[Ken]

Two cannibals are eating a clown, one says to the other: Does this taste funny to you? :confused1:

Don't give up your day job.

[BENESSE]

If you ever feel a little stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.

Q: If you could live forever, would you and why?
A: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest


"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
--A congressional candidate in Texas

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed, and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

[hoosierarcher]

A cannibal keeps being approached by missionaries. He eat one after another. He eats a catholic, a Methodist, an Episcopalian, a Mormon, a Baptist and a Nazarene, then even a Pentecostal and a Muslim and lastly a Buddhist and Hindu. Greatly engorged and bloated from his huge feast he heads to his "facilities" and has an Ecumenical Movement.

[Winnie]

Redneck Computer terms

Backup; What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
Bar Code; Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
Bit; A wager, as in, "I bit you cain't spit that chaw acrosst the porch longways."
Bug; The reason you give for calling in sick
Byte; Whut them flys do; First word in a kiss-off phrase;
What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
Cache; Needed when you run out of food stamps
Chip; Munchies fer the TV; Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
Crash; When you go to Junior's party uninvited
Cursor; What some guys do when they're mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
Digital; The art of counting on your fingers
Digital Control; What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
Diskette; Female Disco dancer
Dot Matrix; Ole Dan Matrix's wife
Download; Getting the farwood out of the pickup
Edit; Whut ya did with dessert
Enter; Northern talk fer "y'all c'mon in"
Fax; What you lie about to the IRS
Floppy; When you run out of Polygrip.
Floppy Disk; Whatcha git from trying to carry too much farwood
Hacker; Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
Hard Drive; Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires while pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
Hardcopy; Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
Internet; Where cafeteria workers put their hair
Keyboard; That thing with hooks to hang your truck keys.
LAN; To borrow, as in, "Hey, Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
Laptop; Whar the kitty sleeps
Log Off; Don't add no more wood
Log on ; Making a wood stove hotter
Mac; Big Bubba's favorite fast food
Main Frame; What holds up the barn ruf
Megahertz; When yer not careful getting the farwood or any time I get offended, someone will;
How your head feels after 17 beers
Micro Chip; Whut's left in the munchie bag
Modem; What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
Montior; Keeping an eye on the woodstove
Mouse; Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
Mouse Pad; Where Mickey and Minnie live
Network; Activity meant to provide bait for your trout line; Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
Online; Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
Packet; What you do to a suitcase or Wal-mart bag afore a trip.
Port; Fancy flatlander wine
Prompt; Whut the mail ain't in the winter time
RAM; That thing whut splits the farwood
Random Access Memory; When ya cain't member whut ya paid fer yer rifle when yor wife asks
Reboot ; What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
ROM; Delicious when you mix it with coca cola; Where the pope lives
Screen; Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SCSI; What you call your week-old underwear
Serial Port; A red wine you drink with breakfast
Software; Them plastic forks and knives
Superconductor; Amtrak's Employee of the year
Terminal; Time to call the undertaker
Window; Place in your truck to hang your guns
Windows; Whut to shut when it's cold outside

[Old GI]

Two men walk into a bar.
The third man ducks.

That reminds me. I had an uncle who was a magician ------ he would walk down the street and turn into a bar.

[Sarge47]

Don't give up your day job.
What are you talking about? This IS my day job! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Rick]

Four friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an ten-point buck.

"Where's Billy Bob?"

"Billy Bob had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."

"You left Billy Bob laying out there and carried the deer back?"

"A tough call," nodded the hunter "but I figured no one, in their right mind, is going to steal Billy Bob."

[Rick]

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for deer hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six deer. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your deer, you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?" "I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year!"

[Rick]

http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/gunbag.jpg

[2dumb2kwit]

The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident near Marsh Island, Louisiana, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Wildlife and Fisheries agents. "We knowit's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the agents."Tell me! Did you find her?"The agents looked at each other.
Finally, one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, the husband said "Give me the bad news first."
The second agent said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The agent continued, "When we pulled her up, she had six twenty-five pound blue point crabs and four dozen good-size crawfish clinging to her."
Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The agent answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

[Sarge47]

know why cannibals won't eat divorced women? Because they taste bitter. :2:

(credit for the "cannibal" jokes go to Bragg Survivor as he originally posted them on this forum elsewhere.)

[Sarge47]

Idiot Sightings

I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please"

She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....




IDIOT SIGHTING When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked
in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the
passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered
that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's
open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side . '
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS

IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did
not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears
made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I
responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.



IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I
gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this
way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but
we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.



IDIOT SIGHTING
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office
to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman , KS






IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
-- From Kansas City






IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.





IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving
the company due to 'downsizing,'
our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with
that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments .


IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would
not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.


IDIOT SIGHTING
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City , Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she
said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please
remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us......and they VOTE

[kyratshooter]

A guy gets pulled over by a state trooper and when the officer approaches the car the driver informs him he has a CCW and there are weapons in the car.

"What do you have on you?" the officer asks.

".45 on my belt and a .357 in an ankle holster." the driver answers.

"That all?" the officer asks.

"Well, there's also a Glock in the glove box, shotgun in the trunk and an AR behind the seat."

"What are you afraid of buddy?" the officer asks.

"Not a single thing officer, not a single thing!"

[crashdive123]

Modern electronics that even I can understand.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI&feature=player_embedded

[Rick]

I had a terrible problem with my TV last week but the cable guy fixed it pretty quickly. It turns out the right wing cable was plugged into the left wing jack. Things were really messed up there for a while.

[crashdive123]

What did the 0 say to the 8?



Nice belt.

[crashdive123]

Muslim Culture Meets German Engineering

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q51hVC0Lgwg

[oly]

I dont know why I can see Rick doing this.

My Trip To Sam's Club
Yesterday I was at my local Sam's Club
Buying a large bag of Purina dog chowFor my loyal pet, Rover and was in the Checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.What did she think I had, an elephant? So sinceI'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, IDidn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again... I added that IProbably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but thatI'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward withTubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way thatIt works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simplyEat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionallyComplete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have toMention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled withMy story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care becauseThe dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniffAn Irish Setter's *** and a car hit us both.I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heartAttack he was laughing so hard.Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore..Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in theWorld to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to allYour retired friends......it will be their Laugh for the day.

[Camp10]

The coach had put together the perfect team for the
Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a
good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges
and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he
couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl
win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene
in Afghanistan .. In one corner of the background, he
spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly
incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a
15th story window 100 yards away.



KABOOM!


He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a
chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He
has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great
game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super
Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football,
and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young
man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says.
"You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man
pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the
world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very
moment, there are gunshots all around us. The
neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were
beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have
to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get
raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!!"

[Rick]

Oh, man. That's funny......

[Pal334]

WINTER BLONDE

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde..


He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Mark. It's winter in NJ and I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK!"

[Pal334]

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

Babe Ruth

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

Lyndon B. Johnson


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

Paul Horning


~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

H. L.. Mencken

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

George Bernard Shaw

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

Dave Barry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!

W. C. Fields

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.

Professor Irwin Corey

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group -Salvation in a can!

Leo Durocher


~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the" Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm:

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[crashdive123]

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great!

"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

[r0ckhamm3r]

How about this

The president has decided to do away with the U.S. Marshall's service, but he needs another agency to take over hunting fugitives. The government decides to run a simple test to determine who will take over this duty. They narrow it down to the FBI, the CIA and the LAPD. The test will consist of releasing a rabbit into the wilderness, the agency that is able to recapture the rabbit fastest, will be the winner.

The FBI goes first. After a two year long investigation that cost the government over 250 million dollars, the FBI concludes that the rabbit never actually existed.

Next up is the CIA. They burn down half of the forest, interrogate all the forest creatures and conclude that the rabbit fled to the tribal areas of Pakistan.

The LAPD is last. They run into the forest. Fifteen minutes later, they lead a bear out of the woods. The bear is bruised, bleeding and beaten. The bear is screaming at the top of his lungs "all right, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

[Rick]

The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage.

At St. Ambrose Catholic Church on the Hill, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars. At the session last week, the good Padre Vincenzo Bommarito asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italia for the 25th anniversary!'

Father Vince responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands on the Hill! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"

Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up."

[Rick]

http://i29.tinypic.com/2mibmr.jpg

[nell67]

TRY THIS
1. Go to Google Maps and click get directions.
2. Write U.S.A. as your start point.
3. Write Japan as your destination. ...
4. Go to the 31st point on your route.
...

Seriously?

[Pal334]

Nell, it is Google and on the Internet, how can it not be serious :) I wonder how many arguements that has caused ?

[Rick]

Okay, I'm going to "pass" on the Japan trip. Item 31 is just out of my league.

[oly]

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic watering system to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and sense the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of
bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[Pal334]

Two businessmen in Sun City West Arizona were sitting
down for a break in their "soon-to-be" new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is
going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."


No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure
enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft
voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?

"One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a**-holes."


Without skipping a beat the old timer said, "Must be
doing well...Only two left.

"Moral: DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE=============

[Winnie]

A new Movie opens soon..

War of the WorldsII, They're back!

And this time they've got Tylenol......

[Winnie]

My favourite comedians, at their super very best!

Fork handles, handles for forks.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cz2-ukrd2VQ

Swedish made simple.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkWMcRlE1mQ&feature=related

[OhioGrizzLapp]

Achmed the dead terrorist by Jeff Dunham

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

[Rick]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ’Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally craps in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the heck was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides."

[Pal334]

A good education story....
A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher; but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The smart-alecky punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.
.....Dead silence... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

[NCO]

Why you should leave a space between the stowe and the washing machine?
-Thats where the wife goes...

(told this earlier to my girlfriend, I barely stayed alive)

[Rick]

Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Atlanta. They see a sign on a store which reads,

"Suits - $5.00 each, shirts - $2.00 each, trousers - $2.50 each".

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant and won't wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl,

"I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts,

"Ya'll are from South Alabama, ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you knowed that?"

"Because this is a dry cleaner."

[crashdive123]

The Afghani Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The
only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all
the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't
find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier
with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th
story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect
arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is
hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he
wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted
us. You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won
the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my
adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I
have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old
lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for
making us move to Detroit!"

[nell67]

“When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Kentucky, because everything there happens 20 years after it happens anywhere else.” – Mark Twain-

[hoosierarcher]

A women wakes up in the middle of the night and discovers her husband is not in bed. She waits a few minutes for his return. When he doesn't she goes looking for him. She hears a noise down stairs and investigating it finds her husband sitting in his chair in the living room sobering bitterly. "What's wrong?"; she asks.
"When we had been married 10 years I gave some serious thought about killing you. Fear of prison stopped me."
"It's taken 20 years for the guilt to swell in you to the point you weep so bitterly?"
"No I awoke suddenly and realized that with good behavior I'd have gotten out today."

[crashdive123]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult for them to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, he sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting to see messages from relatives and friends sending their condolences. After reading the first email message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen, which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: October 16, 2009

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

[crashdive123]

A former Navy Chief, having served his time with the Submarine Service, took a
new job as a school teacher; but just before the school year started he
injured his back.

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the
first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in
the school.

The smart-alecky punks, having already heard the new teacher was a Navy Chief,
were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was,
before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom,
the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and
promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

.....Dead silence... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

[Sarge47]

A former Navy Chief, having served his time with the Submarine Service, took a
new job as a school teacher; but just before the school year started he
injured his back.

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the
first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in
the school.

The smart-alecky punks, having already heard the new teacher was a Navy Chief,
were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was,
before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom,
the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and
promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

.....Dead silence... He had no trouble with discipline that year.
This is a 1st, the same joke repeated on the same page...check out post #1326 back up the page! :whistling: :clown: :creepy:

[Winnie]

It's old timers, Sarge. Either that or all that "down bubble" has addled his brain......

[crashdive123]

This is a 1st, the same joke repeated on the same page...check out post #1326 back up the page! :whistling: :clown: :creepy:

Yeah, but that was a Marine. Who was gonna believe that?

[Pal334]

Yeah, but that was a Marine. Who was gonna believe that?


Not to worry, I thought your joke was hilarious :)

[Rick]

Did I tell ya'll about the Army sergeant that took a job as a teacher? Now this is no sh.........

[Pal334]

Did I tell ya'll about the Army sergeant that took a job as a teacher? Now this is no sh.........

Well!!!!! Are you going to keep us in suspense?

This is an advantage of being "mature" the stories are new every time you hear it :)

[Rick]

A fellah is 72 years young and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice again say,'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'


With age comes wisdom.

[Sourdough]

A precious little Louisiana girl, with two missing teeth, walks into Pet Smart and asks the owner,

"Excuthe me mithter, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

As his heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, crosses her arms,

Leans forward and says;



"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

[Justin Case]

LOL,,, Good one ~

[Pal334]

An Italian walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on
> business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
>
> The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.
>
> The Italian produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and
> apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
>
> Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a
> $5,000 loan.
>
> Then the employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.
>
> Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to
> have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
>
> The Italian replied: 'Minga! Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'
>
> Ah, the Italians... Bada Bing!
>
> ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
> FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Always bring the food..
>
> FRIENDS: Will say 'hello'.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.
>
> FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad.
>
> FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Cry with you.
>
> FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together.
>
> FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
>
> FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowd's back-ends that left you.
>
> FRIENDS: Will knock on your door.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will walk right in and say "I'm home!"
>
> FRIENDS: Will visit you in the hospital when you're sick
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will cut your grass and clean your house then come spend the night with you in the hospital.
>
> FRIENDS: Are for a while.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS: Are for life.
>
> FRIENDS: Might ignore this.
> ITALIAN FRIENDS will forward this to their ITALIAN friends and those who wish they were ITALIAN...*

[nell67]

So the US Supreme Court has ruled that you have the right under the First Amendment to protest military funerals... I invite you to start your protest in my front yard and we can see if your first amendment is better than my Second Amendment.....Repost this if you agree.

[Justin Case]

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY:

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Rape impossible; woman with skirt up run faster than man with trousers
down.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY. . .
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

[OhioGrizzLapp]

Blind guy walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog... he sits down at the bar and orders a drink and some water for his dog. He then picks the dog up by the tail and swings him 360 degrees 3 times over his head and then sets the dog down.....the bartender was yelling, why did you do that to that dog.....

The blind guy says

"I was just looking around....."

[Pal334]

Norwegian Fire Dept.

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat fo***ng truck!"

[Justin Case]

hahahahah,, good one !

[Pal334]

F-16 vs. C-130
(Very quickly for those without a military background, the F-16 , is a very fast Fighter plane, one or two man crew,. The C-130 is a very slow cargo plane multiple member crew.)


A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly
Went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished
With a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot
Asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130
Pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked
To the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a
Cinnamon roll.'


The moral of the story is....
When you are young and foolish -
Speed and flash may seem a good thing!
When you get older and smarter -
Comfort and dull is not such a bad thing

[Justin Case]

Lol lol love it ! :)

[Sarge47]

*Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta, Georgia, told
police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson
of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under
his jacket... When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an
employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.* *Outside on the sidewalk
were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys for Tots" program.
Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the
Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back; the injury did not appear
to be severe.* *After Police and an ambulance arrived at the scene
Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment. The subject was also
transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken
ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs,
multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken
jaw... Injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off of the curb
after stabbing the Marine.*


Now that was a well written Police report. :yes: :thumbs_up: :laugh:

[Justin Case]

Hotel Stays

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant 70th birthday by staying overnight in one of London 's most expensive hotels.
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.
She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."
The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate', soshe insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "The hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."



'But I didn't use them," she said.


''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers fromEdinburgh, Glasgow ,and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.


"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is for only £50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

[Pal334]

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul ,
Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now
seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, “Land mines.”


Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN

[Pal334]

7 DEGREES OF BLOND INTELLIGENCE
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband asked, "Who was that?"

The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror And says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, jerk, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy .. it's W."

FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: "Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware ."


SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

[woodsman86]

Good Mothers let their children lick the batter off the mixer, great Mothers turn it off first.

[crashdive123]

Good Mothers let their children lick the batter off the mixer, great Mothers turn it off first.

Rednecks say "Hey y'all.....watch this".

[nell67]

Rednecks say "Hey y'all...hold my beer and..watch this".

You forgot something there crash

[Rick]

One morning, a father and his young son were in the forest hiking. After about an hour, they came across some rabbit tracks. In between the tracks, there were these little round brown pellets, and the son said to his father, "Dad, what are those?"
The father replied, "Those are smart pills. Try a couple." So the kid grabbed a couple of them and put them in his mouth. The boy made a funny face and said to his dad, "Ewww! Yuk! They taste like s**t."
The father replied, "See, you're getting smarter already."

[Rick]

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old gentleman decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly hussy he's runnin' around with."

[crashdive123]

You forgot something there crash

Good point.

[Rick]

Oh, no. THIS is a good point. (I've always wanted some red binoculars)

http://www.stacylewis.com/hemlock/images/kid-pointing.jpg

[Rick]

Useful Bits of Information to Make Your Wilderness Experience More Enjoyable.


When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.

You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.

When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate

Toilet paper is a wilderness necessity. It's perfectly okay to let your hiking partner borrow some if they have forgotten theirs. Giving them a hand, however, is verbotten.

Placing your hands under your armpits or in your crotch is a good way to warm them up. Doing so to a stranger is a good way to get arrested.

[Justin Case]

LOL,,,,, The underwear thing sounds feasible,,, I wonder how good of a slingshot you could make with your thong ?

[Rick]

Blasphemer!

[Sarge47]

Q.) Know where you can find a dog with no legs?

A.) Where ever you last left it!


Did you hear about the guy who was both a Veterinarian & a taxidermist? He has a sign that reads "Either way you get your cat back!" :pinch:

Then there was this fella who stopped at a big yard sale at a farm waaaay out in the country. Looking around he noticed a cat on the ground, sitting off to one side drinking milk out of what was, undoubtedly, a very expensive antique bowl. It seemed obvious to him that the owner didn't realize the value of the bowl. Being a crafty sort of a person he knew he had to play it cool.

"Excuse me, sir," he called to the farmer, "but I'll give you 20 bucks for that cat!"

The farmer seemed puzzled, but agreed. The man paid the farmer then picked up the kitty and also picked up the bowl at the same time.

"I'll just take this bowl along so the cat will have something to drink out of." He said.

"Oh no," the farmer replied, I can't let you have that, that's my 'lucky bowl.' That stays with me."

The puzzled young man asked: "What do you mean? How is it lucky?"

"Well," replied the farmer, "ever since I started using it I've sold 12 cats!" :shifty:

[Rick]

Q.) Know what you call a dog with no legs?

A.) It doesn't matter 'cause he won't come anyway.

[Pal334]

Things Difficult to Say When Drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. I'm not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and I'd hate to look like a fool!
7. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

[Rick]

The last several years of my work career I rarely drank and so I became the designated driver. Being the only one sober in a group at a strip club at 1:00 a.m. is an experience in and of itself. But man I wouldn't have traded it for the world. I just wish they had camera phones back then. I'd have made a fortune off my co-workers.

Real Situations only a sober guy would appreciate.

Co-worker staggering back from ATM with receipt: "Did I get any money?"
Me: "Yes. And it's still in the ATM. Want me to get it?" (I was standing guard on him)
Co-worker: "Nah, let it ride. Maybe I'll double it." and he staggered off. $200 pulled from the ATM.

Co-worker watching dancer but not paying any money.
Dancer: "What's the matter honey, don't you like a good time?"
Co-Worker: "Sure. But I'm waiting for the good looking girls."
Me: "Check!"

Co-worker staggering back from the bathroom: "Did you know they have a hole in the wall in the bathroom? I peed right out the hole."
Me: "That was the kitchen and you were peeing out the backdoor."
Co-worker: "I thought that bathroom smelled like chicken wings."

Co-Worker staggering back to table while announcement is being made on PA.
"If we catch the SOB that has been tearing dollar bills in half and rolling them up you're going to have to deal with the bouncers."
Co-worker snickering and handing me half a dollar bill.
Me: "Check!"

[Pal334]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas, leading
an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town,
to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old
mule to the hitch rail.


As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes,
a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a
bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old
man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance
...
Never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old
fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's
feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping
around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been
fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned
around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled
shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the
desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the
sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the
large gaping holes of those twin 10 gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun
never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you
ever kissed a mule's ***?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... But... I've always
wanted to."


There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old folks, they didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

[Pal334]

A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night sleep.
I kid you not...

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as



PINO MORE

[Rick]

I don't drink wine but I'll take a truck load of that stuff.

[2dumb2kwit]

A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night sleep.
I kid you not...

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as



PINO MORE

Hmmmm. I wonder if the opposite would work.
You know....would those who drink their own pee, w(h)ine no more?

[finallyME]

Rick, your camping one reminded me of this sign.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_c9gaOWdmxT0/TPrRz9yOVEI/AAAAAAAAALA/i-tyQYVqfws/s1600/BEAR%2BWARNING.jpg

[Justin Case]

Rick, your camping one reminded me of this sign.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_c9gaOWdmxT0/TPrRz9yOVEI/AAAAAAAAALA/i-tyQYVqfws/s1600/BEAR%2BWARNING.jpg

hahahahahahhah,,, LOVE THIS !!!!

[hoosierarcher]

Two men walk into a bar, the third man ducked just in time.

[Pal334]

God and lawn Care God said: "Francis, you know all about gardens
and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet?
What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I
started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those
plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with
abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts
butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a
vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green
rectangles."

St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They
started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill
them and replace them with grass.

GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive
to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass
growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it
green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any
other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really
fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut
it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST.. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.
And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on
the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves
them a lot of work.

ST.. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing
so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they
can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer
stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the
spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they
fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the
soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST.. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle.
As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to
have them hauled away.

GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter
to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which
they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of
the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine,
you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us
tonight?

ST.. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St.
Francis.

[Pal334]

WOMEN

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and
comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;
to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and
give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room
and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...SORRY.

I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that s**t.

Never mind.......

[Winnie]

In Hell.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UbqZ_oN5do&feature=related

[BENESSE]

Rowan Atkinson is THE BEST!!!
(btw. I own all episodes of Mr. Bean)

[Pal334]

The Woman Marine Pilot


The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next
day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies
saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only
Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine
pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over
enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and
a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and
then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she
killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell
you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."

I love these touching stories!

[Sarge47]

Here ya go gang!

A Blonde's Year in Review


January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited......finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months......
Box said ' 2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....
They are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'......there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!



THE BEST BLONDE JOK E OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the
mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box
and again, opened it, slammed it shut again.. Angrily, back into the
house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out
again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed
harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

(Are you ready? This is a beauty.....)

'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Rick]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans' he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they continue shopping.

A few aisles further the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

HUSBAND DOWN!, HUSBAND DOWN!, AISLE 7

[2dumb2kwit]

What A Woman!

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck....

[Sarge47]

3 men show up at the gates of heaven only to be told by St. Peter that he only has room for one so whoever has the most interesting story gets to enter.

The 1st man starts: "Well, I was suspicious that my wife was cheating on me so I went home to our apartment in the middle of the day & burst into her bedroom. There she was, laying naked on top of the bed, but I didn't see anybody else, so I started taking a real good look around. That's when I noticed that her bedroom window was open and I saw these man-size fingers holding onto the ledge, so I smashed them with a hammer. He let go & dropped 8 stories. I looked out the window and saw him falling but he landed on an awning, rolled off, and made it safely to the ground. Angry, I quickly got my refridgerator over to the window & threw it out! It landed on top of him & killed him. I was arrested, tried, found guilty and was sentenced to death so here I am."

"Wow," St. Peter said, "that was intense." He turned to the 2nd man and asks: "So how did you die?"

"Well," The 2nd man replied, "I was working on my terrace on my 9th floor apartment when the wind caught me just right & I fell! Luckily I caught onto this widow ledge of the apartment below. Then some creep starts beating on my fingers with a hammer so I had no choice but to let go. I fell 8 floors but I landed on an awning, rolled off of it, and hit the ground, safely. Then, out of nowhere a fridge lands on me, killing me!"

"Hmmm," St.Peter murmers, then turns to the 3rd guy and asks him how he bought it.

"I was making love to this beautiful married woman when I hear her husband coming home early. So I look for a quick hiding place and dive into this refridgerator...!

[Pal334]

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.
He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here should I use, to impress that sweet young thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I'd try the ATM in the lobby"

[finallyME]

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
...and how was your day?

[finallyME]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else
to hold them while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using
the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
timer.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be
afraid to cough, solving the problem.

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape.. If it doesn't
move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and it does, use
the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES; NOT REALLY GOOD FOR
ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

[the survivalist]

funny joke! it was a good laugh!

[Sarge47]

funny joke! it was a good laugh!
Hey survialist, I saw from both your profile page & your IP address that your soon to be an Eagle Scout & hail from Montgomery Alabama. My best on your Scouting endeavors! Why not go to the introduction section and tell us more about your self? :shifty:

[Sarge47]

Dear Abbey,

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge
credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them
off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the
minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can
hardly keep up with the interest.Also he has been so arrogant and
abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us.
The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of
expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten
religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with
people who say the Pope is the anti-Christ, and the next he's with
Muslims. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone
can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath.

It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?

Signed, Lost in Washington, DC
---------------------------------------------------

Dear Lost:

Stop whining, Michelle. You can divorce the jerk any time you want.
You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world,
and have others pay for everything for you. The rest of us are stuck
with the Idiot for two more years! :devil2:

[Rick]

In The Confessional.....

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

[kyratshooter]

Wife asks husband to go to the store.

"We need a carton of milk and if they have eggs get 6."

30 minute latter the husband returns with 6 cartons of milk.

Wife asks,"Why did you get 6 cartons of milk?"

Husband answers, "Because they had eggs."

[crashdive123]

Looks like sound logic to me.

[Pal334]

Good CYA guy, thats the way to go :)

[Winnie]

Left brain at it's best!

[Rick]

I don't get it. 6 cartons of milk sounds right to me. What am I missing?

[Sarge47]

I don't get it. 6 cartons of milk sounds right to me. What am I missing?
And what if she'd said: "...and if they have eggs, get a dozen?" Sheesh! There's no pleasin' some women! :confused1: :innocent: :sneaky2:

[kyratshooter]

A Good Wife;

A good wife will love you no matter what happens
A good wife will always be there when you need her
A good wife will make you feel like a King
She will make you feel ten feet tall
A good wife will be behind you no matter what adversity comes your way

Nope, sorry, my mistake,

its whisky that does all that!

[Jay]

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE .. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was
a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

[kyratshooter]

Pirate walks into a bar and the bartender is shocked.

"Good Lord Pete you lost a leg, a hand and an eye! What happened?" the bartender asks.

"We got into a battle with the French and I lost the leg. Then we got into a battle with the Dutch and I lost the Hand. then a bird pooped in my eye and it was gone."

"Bird poop will not put out your eye Pete!" The bartender answered.

"Nope, but it was my first day with the hook!"

[Rick]

Muhahaahahahahahaahahahahahaha. Now that was funny.

[crashdive123]

Rick - it's arrrrrrrgh that was a good one matey. Sheesh!

[Rick]

Yeah, yeah, that too.

[tsitenha]

Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Are ya mad?" says Mick,

"Have you seen how many of their owners go blind!?!"

[tsitenha]

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 AM this morning.
Can you believe that, 2:30 AM!?
Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes.

[Rick]

Thanks. I got a chuckle out of that last one.

[hunter63]

The dime store romance novel updated for 2011…

He grasped me firmly but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.

Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly from behind and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.

"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down. I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up to my thighs I gave a slight shudder and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding.

I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders and slid them down my tingling spine.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say…

"Okay ma'am, you’re cleared. You can board your flight now."

[hunter63]

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong;

He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.

But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.



Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

[Rick]

That, sir, is the truth. And the other side of the coin,

Husband: "Honey, what's wrong?"
Wife: "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you!"
Husband: "Okay."

[hunter63]

That, sir, is the truth. And the other side of the coin,

Husband: "Honey, what's wrong?"
Wife: "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you!"
Husband: "Okay."

LOL, so I just spit coffee....be proud!, LOL

[canid]

I think i figured it out. sex determining chromatids are about pockets and handbags.

upon conception, your standard human is issued a complete x chromosome, one shaped like a y and a piece which looks to be left over, three pockets and a bolt of fabric.

those humans who realize they do not want to be caught without something they might need throughout the course of the day, regardless of it's unknown utility and function err on the side of caution, read the instructions, fashion themselves a handbag and take it with them.

those who can't be bothered to read instructions, or refused to take an interest in fabric arts leave the piece behind in that drawer with all those 'extra' ikea parts and post-rationalize that only weapons, tools and athletic equipment should be carries around in a special bag.

[kyratshooter]

At dawn the telephone rings;

Hello Sinor Rob, this is Ernisto the caretaker at your country house.

Yes Ernisto, what is the problem?

I called to tell you your parrot is dead.

My prize parrot! I paid a fortune for that bird, what killed him?

He died from eating rotten meat sir.

Where did he get rotten meat?

From the dead horse sir, the race horse.

My thoroughbred racehorse, how did he die?

From exhaustion sir, he had to pull much water in the water cart for the putting out of the fire.

What fire!!

The fire that happened when the candle fell over and burned the curtains sir.

There is electricity at the house ernisto, why were candles burning?

They were for the funeral sir. The one we had when your wife died.

My wife is dead? What happened?

She showed up late in the night and I accidentally shot her with your new Kreighoff trap gun.

Silence









Long, Long silence







Ernisto, there better not be a scratch on that gun or you are in big trouble!

[hunter63]

Yeah, priorities....LOL

[Rick]

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!

[Sarge47]

Know how to keep a lawyer from drowning?

Take your foot off of his head! :FRlol: :laugh: :stuart:

[BENESSE]

This is funny but it's not a joke. I'd say it's right on the money:


**********OH MY!*******************

After I came to I removed the link. PG-13 please.....I still feel feint.

[Rick]

I finally went and got a dang cell phone I know how to work!

6846

[crashdive123]

The latest drink craze...

The Bin Laden Martini. Two shots and a splash.

[BENESSE]

This is funny but it's not a joke. I'd say it's right on the money:


**********OH MY!*******************

After I came to I removed the link. PG-13 please.....I still feel feint.

Just what I was gonna say but you beat me to it.
Now how about those hong pics of Rick?

[Sparky93]

I heard a good one today...

One can not apply an engineers approach to dating, women are not fond of large sample sizes....

[Sarge47]

>>>Public restroom experience. What is this world coming to.

OMG!....I was in in the public toilet - I was barely sitting down
when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?"
Me: embarrassed, "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in
the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

[Rick]

Once upon a time we were on a rather huge conference call with a number of VPs on board. At one point in the call you could distinctly hear the soud of "water" running then a toilet flush. It got very quiet on the call. One of the VPs finally said, "The proposal may not be a good one but it isn't that bad." Everyone had a muffled chuckle and we finished the call. I don't recall anyone trying that ever again.

[finallyME]

I heard a good one today...

One can not apply an engineers approach to dating, women are not fond of large sample sizes....

As an engineer, I will just say how true that is. :)

[Cousin-IT]

there once was a man from kuntuket, he had a bucket, and then an angry yetti killed him cos no-one likes people from kuntucket

.....it's stupid but i know you laughed -.-

[crashdive123]

Well - you got it half right. No, I didn't laugh.:innocent:

[Cousin-IT]

fine your inner child smiled then >.>

[crashdive123]

No - not really.

[hunter63]

Be REAL Careful what you wish for...



A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big *** and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

[wtrfwlr]

A man died and went to heaven. He saw a huge wall of clocks behind St. Peter. "Why all the clocks"?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'
'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?' ...............
'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, she never told a lie.'
'Where's President Obama's clock?' asked the man.
Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan

[Rick]

Grandpa and grandson were sitting on the porch steps one brisk autumn afternoon. They were watching the geese fly south.

Grandpa: "Son, do you know why geese fly south in the winter?"
Grandson: "'Cause it's easier than walking?"
Grandpa: "Well, let's go with that. It's better than my answer anyway."

[Cousin-IT]

there were 2 men sitting on a bar, it snapped off cause it wasn't attached properly and the both died in a horible car crash that resulted from them plumeting 23 stories above the ground

[Sparky93]

there were 2 men sitting on a bar, it snapped off cause it wasn't attached properly and the both died in a horible car crash that resulted from them plumeting 23 stories above the ground
??????????????

[Cousin-IT]

bar.... i-beam........ your supposed to be amused by my creativity not what i actually said

[Rick]

Epic Fail.

[crashdive123]

Usually when a joke has to be explained - it loses its humor. In this case however, there was none to begin with.

[Archr]

Epic Fail.Learned that from the troop, no doubt. Keeps us young.

[hossthehermit]

there were 2 men sitting on a bar, it snapped off cause it wasn't attached properly and the both died in a horible car crash that resulted from them plumeting 23 stories above the ground

That's hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Rick]

Learned that from the troop, no doubt. Keeps us young.

Actually, I have a hobby of coming up with phrases that are destined to become part of the lexicon. You'd be surprised how many of today's top performers and avant garde high society types call me wanting the "word of the week". Then again, maybe you wouldn't.

[Rick]

http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/6565rese56.gif

[Jay]

Actually, I have a hobby of coming up with phrases that are destined to become part of the lexicon. You'd be surprised how many of today's top performers and avant garde high society types call me wanting the "word of the week". Then again, maybe you wouldn't.

Lexcon????? is that like um...related to the Unicon?

[Rick]

Same thing but without the horn. They have a flute instead.

[crashdive123]

Lexcon????? is that like um...related to the Unicon?


Same thing but without the horn. They have a flute instead.

Oh - so you mean the little fella at the end of the rainbow.

[Rick]

No, the guy on the Lucky Charms box.

[erunkiswldrnssurvival]

this is funny, A Rapper named "AKON" :tooth:

[Rick]

Ruger is coming out with a new and intimidating pistol in honor of Senators and Congressmen.

It will be named The Politician.

It doesn't work; and, you can't fire it!

[Jay]

Any of you guys like pepper sauce??6954

[crashdive123]

Not any more. I hear it tastes like crap.

[Rick]

That is just so wrong. Soooooo wrong.

"I never did like you! I hope you eat ****to and die!"
"Dude, you really look bad. You look like warmed over ****to."
"Look how many cases are on the truck. There's just no end to this ****to."
"How did you spill all of it? You know ****to runs down hill."
"This is my sons science project. This is ****to Creek. This is a canoe but he didn't have a paddle."
"I told you not to eat in bed. You've spilled it and ****to'd the bed!"


Really wrong the forum won't even accept it.

[Rick]

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's back side. It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. I'm retired. Go around me!

[Jay]

Mary had a little lamb.....her father shot it dead. now it goes to school with her...between two slices of bread.

[Rick]

You are a sick puppy. Funny. But sick.

[hunter63]

Now that's funny......Jay.

[woodsman86]

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that m*******a doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the c*****e and e*****y we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children. Your daughter, Judith... PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[woodsman86]

You are on a horse, galloping away at top speed. On your right is a sharp drop off, on your left is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind... a lion is chasing you.
...
What must you do to safely get out of this HIGHLY DANGEROUS situation?
...
GET YOUR DRUNK A** OFF THE MERRY-GO-ROUND and ACT YOUR AGE

[Jay]

You are a sick puppy. Funny. But sick.
And thus was greatness ever rewarded. (But then again...even the folks at school didn't appreciate my creativeness way back when)..I expected better from you Rick. I am shattered, scared for life!

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

[BENESSE]

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming.
Karma's a b--ch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea....
Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP

Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.... no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin

Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol

Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012.
Our calendars end there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words.
You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

[Skinner]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died,
her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream

[crashdive123]

............. truck hadn't come along.

[Rick]

That right there is just freaky. Skinner transformed into Crash. Being the Minister of Science I don't take kindly to folks horning in on my gig.

[crashdive123]

Ever wonder what Mt. Rushmore looked like from the Canadian side? Wonder no more.

http://25.media.tumblr.com/Rsi0XGB4wpduwmseCENYt6Ago1_500.jpg

[Jay]

....or so I've heard. This just might be proof!6965

[Rick]

Here's what I think...

We've become a country of free stuff paid for by folks not receiving any of the free stuff who are complaining about those getting the free stuff and not paying for anything.

The folks who are getting the free stuff, don't like the folks who are paying for the free stuff, because the folks who are paying for the free stuff, can no longer afford to pay for both the free stuff and their own stuff, and, the folks who are paying for the free stuff, want the free stuff to stop, and the the folks who are getting the free stuff, want even more free stuff on top of the free stuff they are already getting!

Now... The people who are forcing the people who Pay for the free stuff, have told the people who are RECEIVING the free stuff, that the people who are PAYING for the free stuff, are being selfish because they want free stuff themselves but no one knows who will pay for that.

So... the people who are GETTING the free stuff, have been convinced they need to hate the people who are paying for the free stuff, by the people who are forcing some people to pay for their free stuff, and giving them the free stuff in the first place.

We have let the free stuff giving go on for so long that there are now more people getting free stuff than paying for the free stuff. It's gotten so bad that if the free stuff giving keeps getting given then there's apt to be a free for all paid for by everyone.

That's what I think.

[BENESSE]

That's pretty much it. Even a caveman can understand it.

[crashdive123]

Yep. Pretty well sums it up.

[Sarge47]

Wow! "Free" Advice! Cool! :sneaky2: :innocent: :winkiss:

[Jay]

Here's what I think...

We've become a country of free stuff paid for by folks not receiving any of the free stuff who are complaining about those getting the free stuff and not paying for anything.

The folks who are getting the free stuff, don't like the folks who are paying for the free stuff, because the folks who are paying for the free stuff, can no longer afford to pay for both the free stuff and their own stuff, and, the folks who are paying for the free stuff, want the free stuff to stop, and the the folks who are getting the free stuff, want even more free stuff on top of the free stuff they are already getting!

Now... The people who are forcing the people who Pay for the free stuff, have told the people who are RECEIVING the free stuff, that the people who are PAYING for the free stuff, are being selfish because they want free stuff themselves but no one knows who will pay for that.

So... the people who are GETTING the free stuff, have been convinced they need to hate the people who are paying for the free stuff, by the people who are forcing some people to pay for their free stuff, and giving them the free stuff in the first place.

We have let the free stuff giving go on for so long that there are now more people getting free stuff than paying for the free stuff. It's gotten so bad that if the free stuff giving keeps getting given then there's apt to be a free for all paid for by everyone.

That's what I think.

....And now I've got a headache!

[Rick]

Shoot, you should try it with my brain.

[Jay]

Shoot, you should try it with my brain. Thanks a bunch...but I think I'll pass!

[Rick]

A Kentucky marine writes home from boot camp.

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

[hunter63]

An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shut now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Bull Shut and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[Sparky93]

That was a good one Hunter.

In the 70's we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs, now we have no cash, no jobs, and no hope.... I sure hope we don't lose Kevin Bacon....

[hunter63]

Oh, noooooooo....No bacon????

[Rick]

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference... If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock . If it is an Army aircraft, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Air Force aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

________________________________

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."

_____________________________

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
________________________________

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
"Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
________________________________

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

______________________________

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

________________________________

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

[woodsman86]

I received this in an email from my wife today. Mykah is my almost 4yo rambunctious son and Pierce is the family cat:

"Last week I went into the laundry room to take the clothes out and fold them. I noticed that the clothes were all on the floor and Mykah doesn't go in there because for some reason he is scared, lol. Well today we were cuddling on the couch and he said mommy you need to make sure to keep all the clothes out of the washer and dryer because they get in the way when I'm trying to wash pierce, lol. I just about died, that poor cat."

[canid]

awe. that poor cat indeed.

[Rick]

Truly heartbreaking story!

This is awful :)


... Indianapolis - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Marion County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Indianapolis Colts Football Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[Winnie]

Dogs and Cats are better than Children because they eat less, don't ask for money....
.... and if they get pregnant you can sell their offspring!

[crashdive123]

The IRS sent my Tax Return back! AGAIN!!
I guess it was because of my response to the question:
"List all dependents?"


I replied -
"12 million illegal immigrants;
3 million crack heads;
42 million unemployable people on food stamps,
2 million people in over 243 prisons;
Half of Mexico ; and
535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.”
Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

[Rick]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

[rebel]

What? No delete option? Here's your option. ( ten words ).

[Rick]

You served in the cryptology department in the military didn't you?

[hunter63]

Cowboy walks in to a drug store and ask the clerk."Gimme a 3 pack of condoms"
Clerk says, "You want a paper bag for that?"
Coyboy says, "Naw, she ain't that ugly".

[BLEUXDOG]

The Wine Taster


At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and so the director started looking for a new one to hire. A retired Marine A-4 pilot, drunk and with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink. The old pilot tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a northern slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."

"That's correct," said the boss. "Another glass, please."

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."

"Absolutely correct. A third glass."

"It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive" calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

[Sparky93]

Lol.........

[Rick]

What a One Dog Night Looks Like....


http://www.lifewithdogs.tv/2011/07/what-a-dog-does-when-its-cold/

[Rick]

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.
She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the Counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who cut the cheese . Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

She paid it and left without saying a word.

[Rick]

I swear to you if this old boy had done it in the water he'd be half way upstream to Hoboken. It did bring a tear to my eye though and I had to salute him. He's goooooood. Sound on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fi-_h8Ilfjs

[BENESSE]

The bar has been raised. Are you up to the challenge, Rick?

[crashdive123]

So that's what it looks like when it hits the fan.

[Rick]

B - Even I know when I'm outclassed, which, sadly, is most of the time, but I digress. That hippo should be the F.A.R.T.s mascot. At least he plays our theme song.

[mouse111111]

Here ia a soviet era joke I found , paraphrased.

Everyday Svetlana Vladimirovna goes to work at the bed factory, producing beds for everyone in the soviet union. Her town doesnt have any beds for themselves because the rest of the country needs them first. And so everyone at the bed factory returns home every night to sleep on the floor. One day Svetlana's sister comes home for a visit,she was apalled that after 10 years they still didnt have beds. she said "You have not been thinking correctly sister, Each day you must steal one piece from the factory and reassemble it after a few weeks." Svetlana listened and replied"It is you who are not thinking correctly, We have tried many times, but each time we assembled them we discovered that we had an automatic kalashnikov instead of a bed."

[Pal334]

Polish hunters got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.
The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...
and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."
Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.
However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Stan survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Stosh asked Stan, "Any idea where we are?"
Stan replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[Winnie]

A Psychoanalysts Christmas

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and
Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks
and... Trees and.....

* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at
the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

[Pal334]

May be a repost, but still funny

Bear Remover........

A man in rural Alaska wakes up one morning to find a bear on his
roof. So he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad
for "Up North Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30
minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.

He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old
pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks...

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When
the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his
testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me
to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[Pal334]

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the
Kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings.."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
(Now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height.."
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a
Circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three
years, not Princeton ."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color
photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my
Clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of
heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of
What time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach
Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle
or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a
player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."
15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob
Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
Phillips responded: "Because she's too damn ugly to kiss good-bye ."

[Wildthang]

A really dirty joke:

Rick fell in a mud hole!!!!!!

[kyratshooter]

I just got an e-mail from a friend in Minot, North Dakota. Gale force winds all day, wind chill below zero, snow is up to the windows and more is blowing sideways.

He is getting worried about his wife.

He says she has been standing at the kitchen window staring through the glass for hours.

He says if it gets any worse he may have to let her inside.

[crashdive123]

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran
with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes
videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed
up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their
spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me
in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as
Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grand kids hooked me up for Tweeter,
Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck,
Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and
every other program within the texting World.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything
except the bowel movements of the entire next generation I am not ready
to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get
lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I
keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red]
phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was
standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in
the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid
out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady
inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into
in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say,
"Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was
like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh
and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a
right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship..
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the
cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as
Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the
cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still
haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to
run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the
dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up
every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle
on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time
I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth
reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take
them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I
just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their
turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet.
I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you
to forward it to those who are.

Us senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The TV remote and the
garage door remote are about all we can handle.

[Rick]

Hey! I quit when I couldn't stop the clock on the VCR from flashing. It does provide a baseline to check my pulse. At least that's what I told the dog.

[Sparky93]

Something my Grandpa emailed me:

A toothpaste factory had a problem: wherein they sometimes shipped empty boxes, with no tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timing so precise that every unit coming out is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can’t be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don’t get mad and buy another product instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project. They hired an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on the extra effort.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution — on time, on budget, and high quality. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, and someone would walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button to re-start the line.

Some time later, the CEO decided to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints and gaining market share. “That’s money well spent!” – he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.

He was amazed to see that the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should’ve been picking up at least a dozen a day, so something must be wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was absolutely correct - the scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to them on the conveyor belt were at proper weight.

Puzzled, the CEO walked down to the factory, and up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed.

A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing any empty boxes off the belt and into a bin.

“Oh that,” says one of the workers — 'Charlie put it there ’cause he was tired of walking over to restart the line every time the bell rang”.





We spent a million developing a ballpoint pen that would work in zero gravity. The Russian’s used a pencil.