Joke of the day. [Archive] - Page 2 - Wilderness Survival Forums

RunsWithDeer

03-18-2009, 11:57 AM

A Massachusetts lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer responded, "This is my property and you're not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you for everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle things in Tennessee." We settle small disagreements like this with the "three kick rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the three kick rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to bide by the local custom.

The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to the rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pile.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "OK, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Ken

03-18-2009, 11:57 AM

Two Engineers agree to paint a flag pole. Of course they need to know how tall it is so they can purchase the paint. One shimmies up the pole with a tape measure and falls after reaching about half way. While trying to figure out how they can possibly measure the pole along comes a Designer. After asking what they're doing he replies, "that s easy". He then reaches around the pole and pulls it out of the ground and lays it down. "There you go", he said as he walked away. The two Engineers look at each other and one said "that stupid guy will never get anywhere, we don't need to know how wide it is, just how tall".

Ken

03-18-2009, 11:59 AM

ENGINEERS & GUILLOTINES

During the French Revolution, three professionals were arrested and convicted of having bourgeois values. They were a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer. They were to be led to the guillotine one by one. The crowd was roaring with anticipated pleasure. First up was the doctor. How dare he enrich himself through other people's illnesses? Access to basic health care is a right, right? The doctor was placed in the guillotine, and the lanyard was yanked. The blade started on its massive, implacable way down. And lurched to a stop. The official in charge declared that it would be inhumane to make the doctor suffer this way more than once, so he was setting the doctor free. The crowd howled. The executioner checked his equipment. All was in order. He put a small tree branch in, and successfully lopped it in half. He re-sharpened the blade. Next up was the lawyer. Who needs an excuse to wish such a lying, cheating scoundrel dead? The crowd was thunderous in its applause. The lawyer was placed in the guillotine, and the lanyard was yanked. Again, the blade stopped part-way down! The presiding official once again said that he would set this prisoner free because of the unusual circumstances. The crowd screamed in frustration. Now came the engineer, a man whose innovations and devices were costing jobs. The crowd fell silent. The executioner checked and re-checked his equipment. As the engineer was marched up to the guillotine, he looked carefully at it, and said, "Wait. I see your problem...."

Ken

03-18-2009, 12:00 PM

TOP 20 ENGINEERS' TERMINOLOGIES

1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind.

2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.

4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.

5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit.

9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!

14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.

15. ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

16. RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!

17. LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.

18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.

19. ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.

20. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.

Ken

03-18-2009, 12:07 PM

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey, nice bike! Where did you get it?" "Well'" replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all her clothes and says, "You can have ANYTHING you want." "Good choice," says the first, "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway!"

Ken

03-18-2009, 12:07 PM

Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Ken

03-18-2009, 12:28 PM

RWD! Congratulations on the new job! :clap: Ten minutes ago, you were an Engineer". Now, your a "Machine Design Consultant." :sneaky2:

Uhhhh, what's the difference? :confused1:

Ken

03-18-2009, 12:31 PM

Consultant Top 10 Lists:

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear from a Consultant

1. You're right; we're billing way too much for this.
2. Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added".
3. How about paying us based on the success of the project?
4. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
5. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
6. I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.
7. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
8. I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
9. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
10. Everything looks okay to me.

Ken

03-18-2009, 12:34 PM

Consultant Jokes

A consultant is someone who borrows your watch to tell you the time, and then keeps your watch.

A consultant's credo: Learn to be sincere even if you have to fake it.

A consultant is someone who comes in to solve a problem and stays around long enough to become part of it.

One consultant, told he was a pain in the neck, said he was glad to have been moved up.

Please don't tell my mother I'm a consultant. She thinks I play guitar in a strip joint.

If you see a consultant on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.

RunsWithDeer

03-18-2009, 01:50 PM

RWD! Congratulations on the new job! :clap: Ten minutes ago, you were an Engineer". Now, your a "Machine Design Consultant." :sneaky2:

Uhhhh, what's the difference? :confused1:

LMAO

I see you were taking the lawyer jokes personally and started an attack on engineers, I figured it was targeted at me, so to test my theory I updated my profile. I was correct in your responses.

My degree is in Mechanical Engineering, my specific current role is in a central role working with 32 factories on coming up with equipment design improvements.

Didn't mean to make you mad, really. Jokes are jokes, my intent was not to upset you. :innocent:

Ken

03-18-2009, 01:55 PM

LMAO

I see you were taking the lawyer jokes personally and started an attack on engineers, I figured it was targeted at me, so test my theory I updated my profile. I was correct in your responses.

My degree in Mechanical Engineering, my specific current role is in an central role working with 32 factories on coming up with equipment design improvements.

Didn't mean to make you mad, really. Jokes are jokes, my intent was not to upset you. :innocent:

C'mon! I wasn't mad! I love lawyer jokes. Keep 'em coming! I already copied them into "Word." I had some of those engineer jokes because I'll e-mail 'em to my son's Blackberry once in a while. He's an engineer, too. Civil and Environmental. WPI - '08. Now he can pay for his own gas for his weekly hiking trips up north. :thumbup:

Rick

03-18-2009, 02:09 PM

Oh, yea. A kid graduating college is like dad getting a raise. Sweet!

Ken

03-18-2009, 02:12 PM

Oh, yea. A kid graduating college is like dad getting a raise. Sweet!

One Down! :thumbup1: Two to go. :thumbdown: :thumbdown: Just two more years! :banana: :banana: :banana:

crashdive123

03-18-2009, 02:40 PM

I think I may have posted this before, but I like it.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet about the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Ken

03-18-2009, 03:20 PM

Crash, that one's getting e-mailed to my kid within the next minute. Thanks!

crashdive123

03-21-2009, 08:36 PM

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole! The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

RunsWithDeer

03-21-2009, 09:23 PM

Three women at the doctors office. The first one goes in to see the doctor. When the doctor goes to examine her he notices a big Y on her chest.
The doctor asks, " Why do you have a big Y on your chest?"

She replies, " Well, my boyfriend went to Yale and when we make love he likes to wear his college sweater."

The doctor nods and continues on with the next patient. When he examines her he notices a big H on her chest.

Again, the doctor asks, " How did you get a big H on your chest?" The woman replies " My husband went to Harvard and when we make love he likes to wear his college sweater."

The doctors just nods his head and continues on with the last patient. As he examines her he notices once again that this woman also has a letter on her chest. A large M.

He says, " Dont tell me, your boyfriend went to Michigan?"

"NO" replies the patient " But my girlfriend went to Wisconsin"

Rick

03-21-2009, 10:46 PM

(taking out paper and pencil) Okay, kids. This right here is Wisconsin ...

wareagle69

03-22-2009, 07:58 AM

so do you know how to stay full in the bush?
just walk around in circles until you are fed up.....

Beans

03-22-2009, 10:58 AM

Originally Posted by RunsWithDeer
LMAO

I see you were taking the lawyer jokes personally and started an attack on engineers, I figured it was targeted at me, so test my theory I updated my profile. I was correct in your responses.

My degree in Mechanical Engineering, my specific current role is in an central role working with 32 factories on coming up with equipment design improvements.

Didn't mean to make you mad, really. Jokes are jokes, my intent was not to upset you.

C'mon! I wasn't mad! I love lawyer jokes. Keep 'em coming! I already copied them into "Word." I had some of those engineer jokes because I'll e-mail 'em to my son's Blackberry once in a while. He's an engineer, too. Civil and Environmental. WPI - '08. Now he can pay for his own gas for his weekly hiking trips up north.

You do realize that there are ONLY two lawyer jokes. Everything else is real

Ken

03-22-2009, 11:19 AM

Ernie was playing in a big pile of horse crap, when a Marine Corps PFC saw him and said "Ernie what are you doing with that horse crap? Ernie replied "I'm making a Marine Corps PFC."

The PFC ran off and got his Corporal. The Corporal said "Ernie what are you doing? Ernie looked at him, grabbed some more horse crap and said "I'm making a Marine Corps Corporal."

The Corporal ran off and got his Sergeant ... the Sergeant said "Ernie what are you doing? Ernie looked at him, grabbed some more horse crap, and said "I'm making a Marine Corps Sergeant."

The Sergeant ran off to get his Lieutenant. The Lieutenant said "Ernie what are you doing? Ernie looked up at him and said I'm making a Marine Corps Sergeant." The Lieutenant looked at him with pride and said "I thought you were going to say you were making a Marine Corps Lieutenant"

Ernie looked at him and said "No Sir, I don't have enough horse crap!"

Rick

03-24-2009, 08:22 PM

The Chicago Black Hawks foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play hockey in the new American sponsored league, and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US.

The coach signs him to a one year contract and the kid joins the team for the preseason.

Two weeks later the Hawks are down 4-0 to the Red Wings with only 10 minutes left. Mike Babcock gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the Hawks! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the ice he phones his mom to tell her about his first day of NHL hockey. "Hello mom, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 10 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."

The young Iraqi is very upset. "What can I say mom, but I'm so sorry."

Sorry? You're sorry?!!" says his mom, "It's your fault we moved to Chicago in the first place!"

crashdive123

03-24-2009, 08:26 PM

Now that there's funny. I don't care who you are.

tennecedar

03-26-2009, 03:10 AM

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "He!! no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.
Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."
"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."
The old woman fainted.

Sarge47

03-26-2009, 12:58 PM

A Very Mad Blonde

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night
he's doing a show in a small town in Florida with his dummy
on his knee, he starts going through his
usual routine that includes blonde jokes .
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her
chair and starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does
the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human
being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at
work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a
person because you and your kind discriminate against blondes ,and all in
the name of humor!'
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and
the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking
to that little turd on your knee'.:innocent::sneaky2::cool2:

Rick

03-26-2009, 01:50 PM

A farmer pulls a prank on Easter Sunday. After the egg hunt, he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly colored one.

Minutes later, the rooster walks in. He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats up the peacock.

Ken

03-27-2009, 04:13 PM

1. How many moderators does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. They think the world revolves around them.

2. Why don't moderators like making Kool-Aid? Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

3. Why did the moderator climb the glass wall? To see what was on the other side.

4. What do moderators and cow pies have in common? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

5. Why do moderators like tilt steering wheels? More head room!

6. Why don't moderators eat pickles? Because they get their heads stuck in the jar.

7. Why do moderators wear panties? To keep their ankles warm.

8. What do moderators say after making love? "are you boys all on the same team?"

9. What's the mating call for a brunette? "has the moderator gone home yet?"

10. Why do moderators wash their hair in the sink? That's where you wash vegetables.

11. Why does moderators have TGIF written on their boots? "Toes Go In First."

12. What do moderators and beer bottles have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.

13. How do you give a moderator a brain transplant? Blow in his ear.

14. What do you call a zit on a moderator's butt? A brain tumor.

15. How do you make a moderator laugh on a Monday morning?
Tell him a joke on a Friday afternoon.

Rick

03-27-2009, 04:21 PM

I feel an abuse of power coming on.

Ken

03-27-2009, 04:24 PM

I feel an abuse of power coming on.

No worries. It's probably just gas.

Sarge47

03-27-2009, 08:02 PM

Okay, who snitched to the mouthpiece? Someone's been talking, otherwise how could he know all of that? :online2long: BTW, Know how to save a drowning lawyer? Throw 'em an anvil! It won't save them but it beautifies the country!:innocent:

RunsWithDeer

03-28-2009, 10:32 AM

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God’s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

RunsWithDeer

03-28-2009, 10:33 AM

What is a criminal lawyer?

Redundant.

tennecedar

03-28-2009, 11:22 AM

Saint Peter stood at the Pearly Gates of Heaven as three men stood in line waiting to enter. Saint Peter said to the first man in line, "Before I let you in, I have to ask you a question. What was your I.Q.?"

The man answered, "180." Saint Peter replied, "What were you? A rocket scientist?" "Yes, sir," the man answered. "Okay, go on in," said Saint Peter.

The next man came up to Saint Peter. Peter asked the same question of him. "160," replied the second man. "What were you, a brain surgeon?" Peter asked the man. "Yes, sir." He was allowed in, too.

The third man came forward and was asked the same question. "68," he replied. "Well." said Saint Peter. "Did you get your deer?"

tennecedar

03-28-2009, 11:26 AM

Three men went hunting in a dense forest. As one of them was crossing a fallen log, he tripped, dropped his rifle, and shot himself. The other two ran quickly to their unconscious friend and saw that his chest was covered with blood. Walt turned to Stan and said, "We gotta get Elmer to da hospital quick or he's gonna die."

"How 'er we gonna carry 'em?" Stan asked. "Why Elmer, he weighs a good two hunnert pounds."

"He!! Stan! That ain't nuttin'," assured Walt. "We carry bucks out bigge 'n 'at, all da time. We kin do it da same way." Walt was right.

In no time, they were pulling their 4x4 up to the emergency room door, and doctors, nurses and orderlies rushed Elmer inside. A while later, one of the doctors gave the two worried friends the bad news, "Your friend didn't make it." Walt said, "Yeah, I thought dat gunshot hit 'em in da heart."

"No," said the doctor. "The bullet actually went above the heart and through the shoulder. His chest was only covered with blood, but he might have been able to survive that."

"Darn-it Stan! I told ya we shouldn't a tied 'em to da hood. All dem tree branches smackin' into 'em for da first five miles probably beat 'em to death!"

"No," said the doctor. "His clothes were ripped to shreds and his body was covered with lacerations, but he might have been able to survive that, too.'

"See, Walt! I kept tellin' ya to hold your end up higher 'cause dat sapling was too thin. When we tied his hands and legs to it, his head kept hittin' da rocks and logs. An' I'm sure he drowned when we crossed dat crick."

"You was da one dat dropped your end of the pole when you fell off dat rock. Poor old Elmer musta been unner water a whole minute while you was fumbling around with that pole an' fallin' all over yaself."

"Now fellas," said the doctor. "Elmer's skull was cracked and he did have massive head injuries. But he didn't drown, and he might have been able to survive that, too."

Stan and Walt looked at each other with puzzled expressions, then asked the doctor, "Den what wuz it?" The doctor thought for a few moments and said, "My guess is that the field dressing probably had a lot to do with it."

tennecedar

03-28-2009, 11:32 AM

Two men were on an Alaskan bear hunt. On season opening morning, a light snow fell, and one man stayed in the cabin while the other man went out hunting. He soon found a huge grizzly and shot at it, but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward the hunter, he dropped his rifle, and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over the man and went rolling into the cabin.

The guy jumped up, closed the cabin door, and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

Alpine_Sapper

03-28-2009, 02:25 PM

Alpine_Sapper

03-28-2009, 02:26 PM

Ken

03-29-2009, 12:45 PM

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,'You died in your sleep, Ralph.

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back,and that is as a chicken.' Ralph was devastated, but begged St.. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg be fore?' 'Never,' said Ralph. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood..

He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack onthe back of his head, and heard his wife yell..... 'Ralph! Wake up. You sh*t the bed!'

tennecedar

03-30-2009, 01:23 AM

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"No," the second guy says."Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead,"the first guy says.
"Oh," says the second guy.A couple of minutes later, The first guy says,
"Did you see that?""See what?" the second guy asks.
"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there.""Oh."
A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"
By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"
And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

Pict

03-30-2009, 08:58 AM

Here's one from Brazil...

A man was unemployed and saw that the Rio De Janeiro zoo was hiring workers. He stood in line with the the other 4000 applicants and waited his turn. After the interview all of the jobs he wanted were taken. The Administrator of the zoo took him side and confided in him.

"Today our gorilla died and we can't get another one. If you want we can can dress you up in a gorilla suit and you can live in his cage. He really is our main attraction and we can't afford to loose him. The money is good and all you have to do is hang out and act like a gorilla."

The man was overjoyed and took the job. Soon he found out that the more antics he did the more people would come back and watch. He took to doing tricks and acrobatics. The crowds grew larger and larger and the zoo never had so many visitors. This only spurred him on to do more.

One day he was trying to do another back flip off the side bars, lost his footing and fell headlong into the lion habitat. Worse, he broke his arm and couldn't climb back out. The lion took notice of his predicament and started to pace back and forth. The man got nervous and tried to crawl for cover but there was none. The lion paced frantically back and forth and let out a growl. The crowd pressed their faces to the bars, the lion crawled closer and crouched, cameras flashed. The lion roared...

The man could take it no longer, no job was worth dying for. "Help, Help!", he screamed.

"Shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!", said the lion.

Mac

ArmedGeek

04-02-2009, 04:44 AM

This guy comes home, flings open the front door and shouts, "Honey, I won the lottery. Pack your bags."
Wife says, "Oh, that's wonderful. Should I pack for warm weather or cool weather ?"

Guy says, "I don't care, just get the **** out!"

crashdive123

04-02-2009, 07:13 AM

ArmedGeek - You have won the lottery as well. Your prize? You get to go here ("http://www.wilderness-survival.net/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=14) and tell us a bit about yourself.

Jay

04-02-2009, 08:45 AM

Crash...you get more devious with each passing day! nicely done!

Revelation1412

04-02-2009, 02:54 PM

I love a good joke!

Sarge47

04-05-2009, 10:23 AM

Very Short Story

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells out window, BI*CH!
Man rounds next curve.
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought For the Day:
If men would just listen:innocent:

Sarge47

04-05-2009, 10:25 AM

PUNishment
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals were eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says
Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.

12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Sarge47

04-05-2009, 10:27 AM

The Ostrich.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind
him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be
$9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

MatthewnOK

04-05-2009, 02:12 PM

These are second hand, and both true stories.
I was watching a bluegrass show lost week and the lead singer told us a joke.
His mother was a full blood cherokee. One day she called him and his three brothers to their sofa. She said, "Boys I want to impart some Indian wisdom to you." So he asked her swhat she meant. She replied "Don't ever drink a glass of tea before you go to bed." The children asked her why. She said, "If you do, someday you make wake up in your teapee..." I write the 2nd one later

Sarge47

04-05-2009, 02:26 PM

Check it out!
http://www.kxmb.com/getArticle.asp?ArticleId=354043:innocent:

RunsWithDeer

04-05-2009, 04:54 PM

Know Why There's No Lawyers Pictures On A Stamp?

No One Can Figure Out Which Side To Spit On

RunsWithDeer

04-05-2009, 04:55 PM

A downhearted young hunter just got back into the big city after a weekend in the woods with no meat to be brought home for his family.

Walking the city streets he happened upon a bottle in a dirty gutter and he picked it up and rubbed it. A Genie appeared...

She told the young hunter he had three wishes she could grant him but with one catch.... For each one of his wishes every lawyer in the world got two or double what he wished for.... He agreed.

My first wish is for a big ole buck to take home to my family. Every lawyer in the world got two.

My second wish is one million dollars and so each lawyer's bank account was credited with two million dollars.

My third wish is.... Ummmm.. Well I have always wanted to donate a kidney.

crashdive123

04-05-2009, 06:42 PM

My third wish is.... Ummmm.. Well I have always wanted to donate a kidney.Thought you were going to say - now beat me half to death.

Ken

04-05-2009, 06:55 PM

Ken

04-05-2009, 07:04 PM

About RunsWithDeer

Location
Deep South, Michigan

Interests
hunting, fishing, farming

Occupation
Machine design consultant

The RWD Seal of Approval:

tennecedar

04-05-2009, 07:27 PM

MOTHER IN LAW
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother- in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non- antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"

tennecedar

04-05-2009, 07:29 PM

ROAD SIGN
A farmer lived on a quiet, rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. It became so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about these drivers."

So the next day the sheriff had the county go out and put up a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING. Three days later, the farmer again called the sheriff and said, "That sign didn't help a bit. They are still hitting my chickens."

So the next day, the county put up a sign that said: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

Again, no change. So the farmer called and called, every day for three weeks.

Finally, he told the sheriff, "Look, your signs are just not working. Mind if I put up one of my own?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, let's see if yours works better." He was willing to agree to anything to get him to stop those daily calls.

Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer. After three weeks, he decided to call the farmer and see how things were going. "Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.

The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go have a look at that sign. There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was on a whole sheet of plywood. Written in large, yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.

RunsWithDeer

04-05-2009, 07:35 PM

I love lawyer jokes, both of my wife's brothers are lawyers. I send them to them all the time. One is the county DA, the other works for a fortune 500 company as a corporate lawyer.

RunsWithDeer

04-05-2009, 07:41 PM

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - Your're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineers is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer "So, how's it going down there in hell?". Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You/ve got an engineer? That's a mistake, - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having a engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

RunsWithDeer

04-05-2009, 07:44 PM

A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Austin that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!'

'That's amazing,' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $1,000' the young cowboy says. 'I'll get him in the course.'

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father asks.

'Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm,' he says, 'but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!'

'Read!' says his father, 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!'

'Dad, 'the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'

The father exclaimed, 'I hope you shot that dog before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer!

RunsWithDeer

04-05-2009, 07:46 PM

An email from Ireland to all of their brethren in the States...a point to ponder despite your political affiliation:

'We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.

On one side, you had a pants wearing female lawyer, married to another lawyer who can't seem to keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer, who goes to the wrong church, who is married to yet another lawyer, who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run !

Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate 'Mc' terminology, married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship !!

What in God's name are ya lads thinkin over in the colonies !

Alpine_Sapper

04-05-2009, 08:39 PM

Ken

04-05-2009, 09:50 PM

both of my wife's brothers are lawyers.

I won't hold you against them. :innocent:

Alpine_Sapper

04-05-2009, 10:26 PM

I hope this is PG-13 enough. it IS a commercial that is being aired in the UK, nation wide, I think.
http://www.divinecaroline.com/ext/video/video.html?bcpid=9953030001&bctid=18432400001

Pal334

04-06-2009, 07:00 AM

Which group are you?

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,

screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds

before he reaches you and your family.

Group ones answer

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think? What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1 ?

Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing!

I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.

Group twos answer

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.... (sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'

Wife: 'You are not taking that to the taxidermist!'

Pal334

04-06-2009, 07:00 AM

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
---------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
---------------------------------------------------------
'Mr. Sherwood, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' Sam said. 'And every
now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
---------------------------------------------------------- -

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
----------------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
----------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I
passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least
ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered
buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think? Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
.................................................. .......................
The graveside service just barely finished,
when there was massive clap of thunder,
followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,
accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

Pal334

04-06-2009, 07:01 AM

Guts or B***s.

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

B***S - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the b***s to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

crashdive123

04-06-2009, 07:12 AM

Star Struck Bushwacker's Sixteen Steps to Building a Campfire
1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)
6. Light Match
7. Light Match
8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.
10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."
13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
14. Relabel can to read "gasoline."
15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.

Alpine_Sapper

04-06-2009, 10:55 AM

Which group are you?

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'

Wife: 'You are not taking that to the taxidermist!'

roflmfao...

Sarge47

04-06-2009, 08:10 PM

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?").

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"For reading a book?" she replies.

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you!" sputters the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment."

"Have a nice day, ma'am," he says, and leaves.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.:cool2:

Sarge47

04-06-2009, 08:12 PM

Sarge47

04-07-2009, 07:25 PM

IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us
that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large'enough
motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the
largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his
head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2
was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not.. Four is larger than
two..."

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the
DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being
hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to
be crossing anymore."

From Kingman , KS .

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked
the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was
sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals
blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on
earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING:

We were having a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker, as
she was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented
cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another
word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would
not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no
less.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock
the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was
unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His
reply, "I know. I already got that side.

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS .

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When I left Hawaii and was transferred to Florida , I still had the
Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was
parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you
drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I
took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge". He nodded his head and said
"Cool!"

STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and they VOTE and they REPRODUCE........
:winkiss:

grundle

04-07-2009, 07:31 PM

There were a disproportionate amount of "sightings" from Kansas. I wan't y'all to know that we aren't all idiots out here. We just have a lower population, so you can see the trees through the forest, so to speak.

Surely they couldn't find any idiots in L.A. Miami, or New York?

crashdive123

04-07-2009, 07:43 PM

no 1 tht cld ansr w/o txtng. :lol:

laughing beetle

04-07-2009, 07:47 PM

:lol::lol:

grundle

04-07-2009, 07:49 PM

no 1 tht cld ansr w/o txtng. :lol:

omfg roflmfao lolololo

oh dear...I just rofled in my pants. I better change and come back.

Speaking of New Yorkers I had an idiot sighting of my own. I was in a chat room and the conversation went like this.

NY: So where are you from?
me: Kansas
NY: You live on a farm?
me: ...no
NY: Do you guys have electricity in Kansas?

crashdive123

04-07-2009, 07:55 PM

Well???

http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/laughing.gif

grundle

04-07-2009, 07:56 PM

Well???

http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/laughing.gif

Make that 2 sightings

crashdive123

04-07-2009, 08:01 PM

http://www.otrcat.com/z/wizardofoztoto.jpg

http://smileyshut.com/smileys/new/emot89.gif (http://smileyshut.com)

Alpine_Sapper

04-08-2009, 09:12 AM

Pict

04-08-2009, 09:57 AM

During a recenct conversation on a gun list I'm on,

>> Get a bay next time, you will be by yourself away from all the paper
>> punching, muzzle sweeping, n00bs..
----------
"Or the 'oil your gun after every magazine' guy...No joke, the guy had
one of those Tin Man oil cans and oiled the damn thing after every
magazine or misfire. You could see the splatter coming off of his .32
after every shot. It was like he was lobbing oil sponges downrange.

You see some funny stuff at ranges these days. "

--------------

I once saw a guy getting frustrated with his AR at the range. It seemed to be jamming and there was lots of smoke coming form the gun. I walked up to see if there was something I could do. His shirt was totally splattered with oil and the gun was literally dripping from the action. I knew what his problem was but concluded I couldn't fix it either. Mac

Rick

04-08-2009, 10:17 AM

If a little is good, a heapin' helpin' must be gooder.

Alpine_Sapper

04-08-2009, 11:35 AM

you are correct sir. When I read "It was like he was lobbing oil sponges downrange." I was roflmao. I had to ask permission of the guy to reprint it here.

Pal334

04-08-2009, 03:32 PM

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle

of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps

right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out

to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the

side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car

and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the

contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off

down the road. Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops

down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out

of sight.

The man is astonished, he runs over to the woman & demands,

"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says . . .

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says . . .

"Hair Spray, Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

Rick

04-08-2009, 04:00 PM

http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/homer_doh.jpg

tennecedar

04-17-2009, 07:08 PM

These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call.

Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest. They called again, the bull answered closer to them. They called again, The bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

As the bull's pounding hoof beats got closer, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."

After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts, "THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you better start to 'brace' yourself!"

Rick

04-17-2009, 08:31 PM

A Canadian farmer, Osama Bin Laden, and a Marine were walking down the street when they happened upon a lamp. The Canadian farmer picked it up, wiped it off and POOF out popped a genie.

"For freeing me from my prison I will grant each of you one wish", said the Genie.

The Canadian farmer said, "I wish that all the ground in Canada was fertile to grow crops."

POOF it was so.

Osama Bin Laden said, "I would like a wall around Afghanistan to keep the infidels out."

POOF it was so.

The Marine said, "Tell me about this wall."

The Genie said, "It is 5000 feet high and 100 feet thick. No one can get in and no one can get out."

The Marine said, "Good. Fill it with water."

crashdive123

04-17-2009, 08:39 PM

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making guy steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“Today is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. I get a cab to return home, and when I get out of the cab, I forgot my wallet, cash and credit cards in the there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“When I get home, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

Rick

04-17-2009, 08:40 PM

How much does it cost for a Somali pirate to pierce his ears?
A buck an ear!!! Aaaarrrgh!

What did the Somali pirate name his daughter?
Peggy.

Did you hear about the new Somali pirate movie?
It's rated arrrrrrrrr!

How do you know if a Somali pirate is a handyman?
He has a peg-board leg!!

Why does it take Somali pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they can spend years at C!

What is a Somali pirate's favorite type of music?
Arr and B!

Why was the Somali pirate's butt so big?
He kept stealing everyone's booty!

How did the captain of the Maersk Alabama keep his cool?
He wore anti-pers-pirate!!!

crashdive123

04-17-2009, 08:48 PM

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?". The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!

Ken

04-17-2009, 09:19 PM

That Was Funny!

Pal334

04-20-2009, 06:56 AM

A man seeking to join a South Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed . . .

The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists and a rabbit."

The man asks the Sergeant: "Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

Rick

04-20-2009, 08:12 AM

A truck driver trainee starts truck driving school. On the first day, the instructor poses a question to him.

"Your driving down a steep mountain and your brakes fail do you A) Start blowing your horn and hope everyone gets out your way till you can get to the emergency truck ramp. B) Cram your transmission into a lower gear and hope the engine slows you down. or C) Try to jackknife your semi hoping that going sideways will slow you down.

The Trainee thinks for a moment and shouts out, "D!".

The instructor replies, "D? I didn't give you the option of D! What is D?"

"Wake up my co-driver cuz he has never seen a wreck like this!"

Rick

04-20-2009, 08:16 AM

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying:

"NERDS NOT ALLOWED --- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK"

He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.

The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils stashed in his pocket protector, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

red lake

04-20-2009, 08:20 PM

One sunny day in January, 2009 an old man approached the White House
from Across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he’d been sitting on a park
bench.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to
go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer
president and no longer resides here.”

The old man said, “Okay” and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to
the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is
no longer president and no longer resides here.”

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to
the very same U.S. Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with
President Bush.”

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man
and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here
asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve told you already that Mr. Bush is
no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you
understand?”

The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just
love hearing it.”

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow,
Sir.”

erunkiswldrnssurvival

04-20-2009, 08:42 PM

a rabbit was hopping through the woods when he encountered a bear. the bear said; "rabbit."does poop stick to yer fur"?". "Why no" said the rabbit". "GOOD, said the bear," I need some toilet paper"!

Sarge47

04-22-2009, 12:28 AM

A large, ferocious, gorilla escaped from a local Florida zoo, only to wind up in the back yard of an 87 year-old widow. She looked out her window just in time to see it climb the big Oak tree in her back yard. Scared out of her wits she grabbed her phone book & looked up "Exterminators. Unfortunately Crash was not living in that part of Florida so she had to call another guy who's ad read "No Job To Large Or To Small!" She quickly explained her situation, adding that she feared for her life!

"Can you get another man to help me?" the Exterminator asked, "My assistant is out sick today."

The lady said she would call her son & he should be there very soon.

Her son arrived just as the exterminator was unloading some items from his truck. He had a shotgun, a spray can, and an ugly, yellow dog. Puzzled he asked the guy what he was there to do.

"It's pretty simple really;" The Bug-Killer" explained; "This can is a spray can of chloroform and I need to climb up into that tree & spray the ape with it. When he falls to the ground the dog is trained to rush in & bite the ape on it's privates & hold them until I can get down & spray some more chloroform on him, then we can get him into the large, heavy cage, on the back of the truck. You job will be to hold the shotgun. If the ape isn't chloroformed enough it might go on a rampage, it you think that it's going to do that you shoot it! However...if I fall out of the tree you shoot that yellow dog!" :m107::eek:

Pal334

04-22-2009, 06:36 AM

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little
red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked
over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration..

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer; the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

Pal334

04-22-2009, 12:05 PM

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement.

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

And an all time favorite-

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

crashdive123

04-23-2009, 06:47 PM

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.

XXX

PS - Your girlfriend called.

erunkiswldrnssurvival

04-23-2009, 07:50 PM

your a bad wolf crashdive, your a baaaad wolf

erunkiswldrnssurvival

04-23-2009, 07:58 PM

there was 3 guys driving in the desert.
their car runs out of gas.
so they decide to walk to a gas station.
each man decided to bring something to help them along the way
the first man brought the radiator.
the second guy brought a tire iron
the third guy brought the car door.
after several miles of walking they stop to rest
one guy asked "why did you bring the radiator? to get a drink he answered
why did you bring the car door? so i could open the window if it gets hot
then they asked the thrid guy "why did you bring a tire iron"? the crank is broken and i might have to pry open the window

Rick

04-23-2009, 08:38 PM

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? All of it.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.

If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.

erunkiswldrnssurvival

04-23-2009, 09:15 PM

remember what chuck said, Its time to die.

crashdive123

04-23-2009, 09:20 PM

THE TOP TEN CHUCK NORRIS FACTS:
01 Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
02 Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
03 Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
04 If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
05 Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
06 When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
07 Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
08 Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
09 They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take **** from anybody.
10 A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Pal334

05-01-2009, 01:42 PM

A Redneck passed away and left his entire
estate

To his beloved
widow .

but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////

How do you know when you're
staying

in a Redneck motel?

When you call the front desk and say,

I gotta leak in my sink, and the

clerk replies, 'Go ahead'.
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum

drinking age for Rednecks to 32?

It seems they want to keep alcohol

out of the high schools.
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a

Redneck murder:

1) The DNA is all the same

2) There are no dental records
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Did you
hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ?

The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16

and says to the driver, 'Got any! I.D. ? ' . .

and the driver replies 'Bout wut?'

Sarge47

05-01-2009, 10:10 PM

Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar", the Preacher says..

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:

"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear,

and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays,

he prays ....

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks:

"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says:

"I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!" :sneaky2:

Pal334

05-04-2009, 07:21 AM

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan , was being interviewed by a French journalist, an animal rights activist.

The discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'

Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.'

The interview ended.

Pal334

05-04-2009, 12:32 PM

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Alpine_Sapper

05-04-2009, 12:39 PM

Ken

05-04-2009, 01:08 PM

Marines

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Marine is better than ten Taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One Marine is better than one hundred Taliban".

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The voice calls out again "One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's actually two of them."

Ken

05-04-2009, 01:19 PM

IDIOT AWARDS

Idiot Number One

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

Here's your award, lady. Wear it with pride.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Two

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing .

Here's your award, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Three

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America , walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your money in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he woul d either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated , the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's award. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Four

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Wise guy........

But you still get an award

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Five

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.

They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs an award.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve an award. Give it to the partner

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven

Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The brick bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.

The whole event was caught on videotape.

Yep, here's your award.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Eight

We live in a semi-rural area, ( Weyauwega , Wisconsin ), and we recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

STAY ALERT! They walk among us, and they REPRODUCE !

tsitenha

05-04-2009, 02:03 PM

__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
__________________

Rick

05-04-2009, 03:15 PM

My own dear wife and her friend were driving down the road when they saw a rather large bird take a nose dive behind a school. Knowing that a bird that size diving at that speed could never have pulled out before hitting the ground, my wife pulled around to the back of the school building to find a father and son trying to fly a kite shaped like a bird. I offered both of them a sign.

Alpine_Sapper

05-05-2009, 02:55 PM

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_wqe21x5mY3w/SgCKSNVOg6I/AAAAAAAAAB8/BYAddgXw5_U/s1600-h/precision.jpg

Ken

05-05-2009, 05:01 PM

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally, the fellow started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

crashdive123

05-05-2009, 05:14 PM

Been there, done that.

Ken

05-05-2009, 05:20 PM

Been there, done that.

:huh: :nono:

crashdive123

05-05-2009, 05:49 PM

Like Quality Control, it was a public service.

Ken

05-05-2009, 06:10 PM

:shifty: :idea: Ohhh! Now I understand! :thumbup1:

Alpine_Sapper

05-06-2009, 03:37 PM

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice pigs, Sir."

The President replies, "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas
razorback hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Excellent trade, sir."

Alpine_Sapper

05-06-2009, 03:41 PM

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Stephen, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Stephen,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over ... I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Steve

At 4AM ... the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Steve

Alpine_Sapper

05-06-2009, 03:42 PM

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"

"First Place!" said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio enters.

After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is this guy Obama?" asked Pinocchio.

Alpine_Sapper

05-06-2009, 03:46 PM

The Chief noticed a new seaman one day... and barked at him, "Get over
here!" "What is your name?" was the first thing the Chief asked the
new guy.

"Paul," the new guy replied.

The Chief scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart,
liberal pansy stuff they're teaching Sailors in bootcamp today, but I
don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that
leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last
name only: Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to
only as Chief. Do I make myself clear?"

"Aye, aye, Chief!"

"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed.... and said, "Darling. My name is Paul Darling,
Chief!"

"Okay.............. Paul,........ here's what I want you to do...

crashdive123

05-06-2009, 08:45 PM

Sven and Ole were fishing one day, when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light. “Ya, sure, I tink I huff a lighter,” he replied. Reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bick lighter 12 inches long.

“Yiminy Cricket!” exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands, “Vere dit yew git dat monster??”

“Vell,” replied Ole, “Igot it from my Genie.”

“You haff a Genie?” Sven asked.

“Ya, sure. It’s right here in my tackle box,” says Ole.

“Could I see him?” Sven asked.

Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, “Hey dere! I’m a good friend of your master, vill you grant me vun vish?”

“Yes, I will,” says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million Bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkened and is filled with the sound of a million Ducks flying overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yelled to Ole, “Yumpin’ Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!”

Ole answered, “Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 12 inch Bic?”

nell67

05-06-2009, 08:51 PM

Well Crash,what exactly DID he ask for.....???

crashdive123

05-06-2009, 08:53 PM

ummmm, errrrr, maybe a zippo?

Ken

05-06-2009, 08:55 PM

If he was like me, he must have asked for "reduction surgery." :innocent:

Pal334

05-06-2009, 08:55 PM

8 Rules For Dating My Daughter
Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron www.wbrucecameron.com

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.

So, I'll call out jovially. I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is early.

Rule Six I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car.

Rule Eight The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too, there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate, ink washes off, and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. Don't you remember being that age? she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?

Ken

05-06-2009, 09:02 PM

From the father of a daughter to another father of a daughter: Nice job, Pal, nice job! :innocent:

Pal334

05-07-2009, 01:57 PM

Love this Doctor!

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...
Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.
Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!
..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?
HELLO
Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat , here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Pal334

05-08-2009, 01:52 PM

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples:

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
(On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. While I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, she interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts " Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ''
Her response - click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation inOrlando .
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.
I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?'' I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
She replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. A lady Senator called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ''Look, I've been toChina four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!

12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' ''Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, ma'am, I 've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.' ''The lady retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?'' The reply?
''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED!

Ken

05-08-2009, 06:14 PM

And now you know why most of the laws they pass are so screwed up! :sneaky2:

Pal334

05-08-2009, 07:15 PM

And now you know why most of the laws they pass are so screwed up! :sneaky2:

Mental deficiencies and inability to leave things alone.

Rick

05-09-2009, 06:12 PM

This is funny I don't care who you are.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wv0mjZV68B8&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Ftr.truveo.com%2FMike-Epps-Wins-the-Lottery-Mega-Millions-Lotto%2Fid%2F2148264989&feature=player_embedded

Pal334

05-09-2009, 07:18 PM

Ken

05-12-2009, 02:44 PM

Proofreading is a dying art, would you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and a call was made to the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No, really? Ya think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

trax

05-12-2009, 03:24 PM

There was a headline in one of the Winnipeg newspapers a few years back that said "HUMAN LEG FOUND IN RIVER---Police suspect foul play"

Here I thought people were just throwing body parts they weren't using anymore into the river....damn litterbugs.

Pal334

05-13-2009, 08:50 AM

>
Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a
window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before
takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the
Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab
in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle
seat, I'll get it for you.' As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That
looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it... While he was gone, the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the
Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors...... 'Why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and p*****g in Cokes?'

Goloth

05-13-2009, 01:18 PM

Wilderness Comments

"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake.
Please eradicate these annoying animals."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."[/LEFT]

Dude, that was frikkin' HILARIOUS. The one about the coyotes and the eradication... wow.

On a side note -

It's also kind of sad if you look at the whole post, how you can see that people in America today are so caught up in their 'big city' lifestyle along with their pampered ways that if our cities were to be destroyed and man was forced to live in the wilderness again... well... we'd be f--ked to put it simply. I mean I'm not one to talk - living in Phoenix, Arizona. But at the same time, I at least know how to survive a week... lol good post though.

Ken

05-13-2009, 02:16 PM

New Bugout Boat

Rick

05-13-2009, 02:20 PM

I think that's the barge Hopeak has been looking for.

Goloth

05-13-2009, 04:16 PM

New Bugout Boat

Photoshop rules. The end. hahaha

crashdive123

05-13-2009, 04:17 PM

Works for me.....as the saying goes.

RunsWithDeer

05-13-2009, 04:47 PM

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00..'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he of course wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.'

Pal334

05-14-2009, 06:52 AM

Marine Corps Bumper Stickers:

"U.S. Marines -- Travel Agents To Allah"

"Stop Global Whining"

"When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine"

"The Marine Corps -- When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight"

"Death Smiles At Everyone -- Marines Smile Back"

"What Do You Feel When You Kill A Terrorist?...Recoil"

"Marines -- Providing Enemies Of America An Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775"

"My Marine Can Pick Off Your Honor Student at a Click and a Half"

"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It"

"Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon"

"It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden -- It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting"

"Artillery Brings Dignity To What Would Otherwise Be Just A Brawl"

"One Shot, Twelve Kills -- Marine Artillery"

"Do draft dodgers have reunions? If so, what do they talk about?"

"My kid fought in Iraq so yours can party in college"

"Travel To Exotic Places, Meet New People, Then Kill Them"

"Machine Gunners -- Accuracy By Volume"

"A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy -- Blessed Be The Peacemakers"

"Guns Don't Kill People -- Marines Kill People"

"If You Can Read, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Marine"

"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything"

Pal334

05-18-2009, 07:42 PM

An oldy but goody: 9-11 call about a deer in a car

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=02c_1240980569&comment_order=newest_first

Ken

05-20-2009, 05:37 PM

Sarge and Rick went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Sarge awoke and nudged Rick. Sarge asked: "Rick, look up and tell me what you see".

Rick, ever cerebral, said: "I see a fantastic panorama of countless stars".

Sarge, always probing, asked "And what does that tell you?"

Rick pondered for a moment: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."

"Why? - What does it tell you, Sarge?"

Sarge was silent for a moment then spoke: "Someone has stolen our tent."

Rick

05-20-2009, 05:47 PM

We never did find it either!!!

Ken

05-20-2009, 05:51 PM

David, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try. On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another. He had to know The Secret. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked.

The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well."

David thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.

The next day, David returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck. Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish. "Excuse me," asked David, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"

"Well, I can, but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix."

"Hmm," thought David. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give the lake one more try.

On the third day, David still had no luck. As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right. David wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?"

"No, I am a Rabbi." replied the man.

Ken

05-20-2009, 05:55 PM

In case anyone is considering doing some camping this spring or summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.

snakeman

05-20-2009, 08:15 PM

These jokes are hilarious. I have read every single one. This is getting to be a really really long thread. We are starting to repeat jokes!

crashdive123

05-20-2009, 08:24 PM

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ...
Could you help me?" "Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years. The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."

Ken

05-20-2009, 08:29 PM

That's what we tell 'em all to say. :innocent:

crashdive123

05-20-2009, 09:21 PM

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

Pal334

05-21-2009, 04:55 PM

Sergeants' Methods

A group of Sergeants and a group of Officers take a train to a conference. Each Officer holds a ticket. But the entire group of Sergeants has bought only one ticket for a single passenger. The Officers are just shaking their heads and are secretly pleased that the arrogant Sergeants will finally get what they deserve.

Suddenly one of the Sergeants calls out: “The conductor is coming!”. At once, all the Sergeants jump up and squeeze into one of the toilets. The conductor checks the tickets of the Officers. When he notices that the toilet is occupied he knocks on the door and says: “Ticket, please!” One of the Sergeants slides the single ticket under the doors and the conductor continues merrily on his round.

For the return trip the Officers decide to use the same trick. They buy only one ticket for the entire group but they are baffled as they realize that the Sergeants didn’t buy any tickets at all. After a while one of the Sergeants announces again: “The conductor is coming!” Immediately all the Officers race to a toilet and lock themselves in.

All the Sergeants leisurely walk to the other toilet. Before the last Sergeant enters the toilet, he knocks on the toilet occupied by the Officers and says: “Ticket, please!”

And the moral of the story? Officers like to use the methods of the Sergeants, but they don’t really understand them.

tacticalguy

05-21-2009, 07:00 PM

What Did Helen Keller's House look like?

You don't know?

Well neither did she.

No offense just wanted to throw this out there.

Rick

05-21-2009, 07:02 PM

"What did he write?"
"Well, Helen, it's about you."
"What a little darling."

Sarge47

05-21-2009, 07:04 PM

I can't remember but here goes anyway!

Know how Helen Keller burned her ear? From answering the iron! Know how she burned the other one? They called back.

Thanks for this joke goes out to Laura, a blind University student who rode my bus & shared it with me!:)

snakeman

05-21-2009, 08:27 PM

Did you know Helen Keller had a dog?

Neither did she.

No offense intended.

crashdive123

05-21-2009, 08:45 PM

Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us." After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away. The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried. The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again." "Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!" "Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...

grundle

05-22-2009, 01:45 PM

Hush girl, shut your lips
do the Helen Keller
and talk with your hips

Sarge47

05-22-2009, 05:18 PM

Sarge47

05-23-2009, 06:36 PM

BLONDE'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

DEAR DIARY: DAY 1 All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest
dresses and make-up. Really excited.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 2 Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and
dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 3 At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and
hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at
his table for dinner.
Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and
attentive.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 4 Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain
asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal
complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the
night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 5 Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went
inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin
for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have
his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 6 Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice.:sneaky2:

Pal334

05-26-2009, 06:32 AM

LETTER FROM A FARM KID,

(NOW AT San Diego
MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING.)

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beat s working for old man Minch
by a mile . Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are
filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I
like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is
smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch,
mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is
strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but
kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and
other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the
two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til
noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk
much.

We g o on "route marches," which the platoon Sergeant says
are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell
him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our
mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back
in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a school
teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors
and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals
for shooting, I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a
chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the
Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable
and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in
boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they
break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm
about the best they got in this place except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.
I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only
5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your*loving daughter,

Lori

crashdive123

05-26-2009, 06:38 AM

Nice.......

Pal334

05-26-2009, 06:48 AM

Compulsory BBQ RULES: We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women

mountain mama

05-28-2009, 08:28 AM

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book?' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL : Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

mountain mama

05-28-2009, 09:06 AM

http://www.thedailyquip.com/USRSF.htm

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)

http://www.thedailyquip.com/images/USRSF/USRSF.jpg

These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1.. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

4. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday.

Sarge47

05-28-2009, 10:09 AM

Pal334

05-29-2009, 06:58 AM

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-03-23, 3:43AM EST

I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.

I didn't expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside.

You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh?

It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again.

I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation.

I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet.

I threw the wallet in a fancy pink. "pimp mobile" parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cellphone. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service.

I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).

I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky.

- Alex

P.S. Remember this motto...... an armed society is a polite society!

crashdive123

05-29-2009, 07:19 AM

I like it....

laughingbeetle

05-29-2009, 05:00 PM

An armed society is a polite society...good motto there.

mountain mama

05-29-2009, 08:53 PM

A little known fact....

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

laughingbeetle

05-29-2009, 08:57 PM

Snrrttt!! There went the coffee!! :lol::lol:

Rick

05-29-2009, 08:57 PM

Yeah, but we knew early on what was the MOST important. So there!:tt2:

laughingbeetle

05-29-2009, 08:58 PM

Yeah but if you would think with the bigger brain you would probably get more done! :lol:

Rick

05-29-2009, 09:02 PM

Man think...

"Who wants to live if your manhood gets injured. Give me that metal cup over there. I'm gonna try something."

"What about your knoggin'?"

"Who cares? I'd rather my knoggin' get busted than...well, you know."

Everyone on team shaking their toothless heads in agreement

Towel Boy: "Hey! Where'd my cup go?"

laughingbeetle

05-29-2009, 09:05 PM

Haha!! Why do I see Adam Sandler in there somewhere?

Pal334

05-30-2009, 08:12 PM

Not a joke, just humurous: Nothing gets between a GI and his chow

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=7f8_1243707843

Sarge47

05-31-2009, 12:40 AM

Excerpt from a diary of a "little-known" Sasquatch hunting expedition:

Day 12: Having gone deep into the Wilderness here in the state of Washington where many "Bigfoot/Sasquatch reports have originated, my partner, William Barrows & myself have had the great good fortune to come across some clear, unmistakenly large footprints; so large in fact, that they can only belong to the fabled Bigfoot who's very existence is the cause of much controversy. We will be following these footprints to where-ever they may take us.

Day 16: There has been nothing of consequence to report until today, when Will & myself found that the trail of footprints has led us to a very large clearing, where many more sets of these footprints have appeared, showing that, in fact, there are many more of these creatures. They lead off in a Northernly direction, into a large Wilderness area. We are "hot on their trail!"

Day 22: I can't believe it! After many days in dense wilderness, we came into a clearing shrouded with tree branches that obscure anyone spotting it from the air. We found many dead Sasquatch bodies strewn all around & moved into the center of the whole mass of dead beasts when William made an astounding discovery: They were not dead, but merely sleeping!
Now, greatly concerned for our own well-being we started to slowly retreat
when I accidently brought my foot down on a dry branch which broke in half, creating a very loud noise in doing so! Immediately every Sasquatch
sat bolt upright, wide awake! Upon seeing us they all lept to their feet & began closing in, snorting and growling in low tones, all the while getting nearer & nearer! Suddenly a young one, smaller than most of the others came right up to us & 1st started sniffing at William rather loudly. He(at least I asumed it was a "he") then did the same thing to me. His reaction startled & at the same time horrified me as he pulled back in such a "cocky manner" with such a "self-satisfied" smirk on his furry face that I knew for certain we were now on the menu! Then he looked at one of the larger ones & said, in clear, recognzable english: "See Mom....I TOLD you they really existed!":innocent::sneaky2::cool2:

Ken

06-03-2009, 03:26 PM

A tough old Montana cowboy once told his grandson that, if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren ... and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Ken

06-03-2009, 03:27 PM

Deer hunters will do anything for a buck.

Ken

06-03-2009, 03:30 PM

A taxidermist from Massachusetts decides to take a vacation to Indiana. After arriving, he decides to visit the local watering hole. As he enters the bar he notices all eyes are on him, and there is an uncomfortable feeling in the air. The taxidermist approaches the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. After handing the beer to him the barkeep says, "Don't think I've seen you around here before, where you from and what do you do?" The taxidermist answers, "I'm from Massachusetts and I mount animals." "Oh," the bartender says, "its ok boys, he's one of us!"

Sarge47

06-03-2009, 03:43 PM

Sarge47

06-03-2009, 03:47 PM

mountain mama

06-04-2009, 02:58 PM

Dear Mr. Thorne
It has come to our attention through complaints by other tenants in your building that you have a dog in the premises. Under the agreement you signed as part of the Strata, animals are not permitted.
Please call me or email me to discuss this matter as soon as possible.
Yours Sincerely,
Helen Bailey

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.
Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?
Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.
Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?
Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.
Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.
Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
They are very small ducks.
Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?
Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .
Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.
Helen

Rick

06-04-2009, 04:08 PM

Oh my gosh! That was hilarious. Thanks for a grand laugh!!

Sarge47

06-09-2009, 01:49 PM

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.:innocent:

Sarge47

06-10-2009, 11:00 PM

Burgled Blonde
A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She called the police immediately to report the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch.

The sight of the cop and his dog made her shudder. She put her face in her hands as she sat down on the steps and began moaning.

"What's the moaning all about, ma'am?" asked the officer.

The blonde replied: "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!"

oldsoldier

06-11-2009, 02:12 AM

Okay sarge no more sheep jokes thaaaaaat laaaaast one waaaaas baaaaaaad!

Sarge47

06-11-2009, 02:39 AM

Okay sarge no more sheep jokes thaaaaaat laaaaast one waaaaas baaaaaaad!Those last 2 were from my wife.:cool2:

oldsoldier

06-12-2009, 11:41 AM

Ohh okay they were kinda funny after all

Pal334

06-15-2009, 10:35 AM

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ...
Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the sh*t out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago...'

COWBOYSURVIVAL

06-15-2009, 10:54 AM

An Indian walks into a drug store.

He approaches the counter and exclaims, "Me need rubba"

The pharmacist gives the indian a random selection. The indian smiles big and pays for his purchase and is on his way.

The very next day the Indian returns and seems to be disgruntled exclaiming,

"Me need rubba" -" Me go ugh! Squaw go Ugh! Rubba go POW!

The pharmacist scratches his head and gives the indian largest size on the shelves.

The indian smiles and again is on his way.

The following day the Indian returns now red faced and very disgruntled!

"Me need rubba" -" Me go ugh! Squaw go Ugh! Rubba go POW!

The druggist shakes his head in disbeleif.... He explains he has just the thing and goes out to his truck grabbing a new tire tube he had gotten for a tractor. He expediantly cut the tube in half and sewed one end up. He returned to the counter where the indian was growing impatient. A BIG smile crosses the indians face as the pharmacist hands over his improvised version of a very large condom.The indian goes on his way now skipping out of the store.

That very evening the Indian returns now furious and wielding a knife! As the pharmacist runs for the back door, the Indian exclaims -

ME GO UGH!......... RUBBER GO UGH!.........SQUAW GO POW!!!!!!

Sarge47

06-15-2009, 11:11 AM

A cowboy truck driver parked his rig outside a diner & went in. The waitress
asks him what he'll have. He says he hasn't been able to eat much over the last several days & orders the biggest steak they have. As he's waiting for his order six outlaw bikers roar up on their big Harley-Hogs, park them in a nice-looking straight line, dismount, and strut into the diner. They grab some booths in the back and are clowning around making a bunch of noise when the waitress comes out with the Trucker's steak. Eyeing the huge slab of meat the bikers walk over to the Trucker, one of which flips open an extremely sharp butterfly knife; which he then proceeds to use to cut most of the steak out of the center, leaving a rim about a half an inch wide, mostly fat, on the Trucker's plate. Laughing, the bikers head back to their booths where they divide up the steak & proceed to devour it. The Trucker continues to stare straight ahead, then pays his bill, walks out of the diner, gets in his rig, & tears our of the parking lot. The Bike-gang leader struts up to the waitress & says:

"Hey baby, that Trucker wasn't much of a man; he didn't even fight for his food!"

The waitress, still staring out the window after the departing Trucker responded: "That's ok, he wasn't much of a truck driver either....he just ran over 6 motorcycles!":sneaky2::innocent::cool2:

Ken

06-18-2009, 06:50 PM

The scoutmaster was teaching the scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one young scout raised his hand.

"Yes Johnny, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scoutmaster.

Johnny replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Johnny?"

Johnny answered, "The compass is to find the right direction and the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the scoutmaster.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"'

Ken

06-18-2009, 07:14 PM

After returning home from his honeymoon ...

... the husband notices a photo of a man on his new wife's bedside table. At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he. But after a month or so he begins to stress about it. It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides ask about it.

"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers. "Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"That's me before the surgery"

Ken

06-18-2009, 07:17 PM

A couple of old guys were golfing one day...

..., when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Basil for a new set of dentures in the morning. His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.

"Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he do a good job?"

The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the crotch."

The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have to do with your dentures?"

The second man answered, "That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."

Pal334

06-22-2009, 06:54 AM

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me..

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

Pal334

06-22-2009, 06:55 AM

A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,

"T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied,

"S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated,

"T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered,

"S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,

"T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again,

"S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered,

"'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh.

Rick

06-22-2009, 07:03 AM

A perfume saleswoman stepped on an elevator alone and had a sudden urge to pass gas. Since she was all alone, she let one go. It turned out to be much worse than she expected so she rummaged in her purse for a moment and pulled out a bottle labled "Scent of Lilacs". She spritz the inside of the elevator and stuck the bottle back in her purse.

Just then the elevator stopped, the doors opened and drunk stumbled into the elevator. He stopped abruptly, took a long sniff and thought for a moment. He took another long sniff and looked at the woman. "Whas that smell?" he asked.

"Do you like it?" she inquired.

"Oh, heck yea. Smells like someone crapped a flower garden."

Terri

06-23-2009, 01:01 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bk0HYn2u7c0&feature=PlayList&p=66F7689C2129739B&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=18

Pal334

06-23-2009, 06:51 AM

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE

1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.

Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle..

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY?
Because we were always outside playing...that's why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Play stations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes..

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment..
Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever..

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
If YOU are one of them? CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of swine flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'

Rick

06-23-2009, 07:52 AM

Some of my least favorite parent sayings that I had recited to me:

If you get a whippin' at school, you'll get one when you get home.
Go cut a switch and you better make it a good one.
Don't run from me! You'll only make it worse!
Just wait until your father gets home!

After I got older, I sensed a theme to my youth.

crashdive123

06-23-2009, 08:06 AM

One of my all time favorites - I'll give you something to cry about.

Ken

06-23-2009, 08:12 AM

Thanks, Pal. Only now do I understand just how neglected and deprived I really was growing up. :clap:

Pal334

06-23-2009, 08:23 AM

Amazingly, we grew up fairly normal:sneaky2::alien::thumbup1:

Rick

06-23-2009, 08:25 AM

What? You call this normal?

Pal334

06-24-2009, 06:58 AM

What? You call this normal?

Sure, what else can we call co equal (if there is such a thing) weirdness :bat:

Pal334

06-24-2009, 07:01 AM

I know this is not a joke, but did not want to start a whole new thread. Also hpe it is not considered political, that is not my intent. If ya'll think it is ,delete it, no harm no foul or complaint here.

Firearms Refresher

1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.

2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.

3. Colt: The original point and click interface.

4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.

5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords and IEDs?

6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.

7. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.

8. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any.

9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.

10. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights Reserved.

11. What part of 'shall not be infringed' do you NOT understand?

12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.

13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.

14. Guns have only two enemies; rust and politicians.

15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.

16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.

17. 911: Government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.

18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.

19. Criminals love gun control; it makes their jobs safer.

20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.

21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.

22. You have only the rights you are willing to fight for.

23.. Enforce the gun control laws we ALREADY have; don't make more.

24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.

25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.

crashdive123

06-24-2009, 07:11 AM

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

“Don’t worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway,” the old man replies. “Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M’s.”

Fletcher

06-24-2009, 09:10 AM

Crash that was.................funny!!!!!!!

Sarge47

06-24-2009, 04:04 PM

This is NOT open to discussion so we won't violate the forum rules here, but it was too funny NOT to post! Besides, all politicians are fair game when it comes to ridicule!:innocent:

The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged the President then demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings: The stamp is in perfect order.. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. People are spitting on the wrong side.

I love it! :clap::sneaky2:

nell67

06-24-2009, 04:30 PM

Not gonna discuss it,but THAT WAS FUNNY!!!!!!!!

2dumb2kwit

06-24-2009, 06:37 PM

A redneck couple had just been married and went to an expensive hotel for their honeymoon.

The man went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said "This is a very special 'casion. It's our weddin'
night and we need your BEST room with a strong bed."

The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the bridal?"

The redneck fellow thought about it for a minute and then replied, "No, I guess not. I'll just hold on to her ears 'til she gets used to it."
:innocent:

2dumb2kwit

06-24-2009, 10:04 PM

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.', answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . ..Now give me back my dog.

Sarge47

06-25-2009, 12:22 AM

Now that was funny, I don't care who you are!:clap:

So this Congressman, who's party affiliation will remain unknown so we won't have all the Dem's mad at us,:innocent: recently made a diplomatic trip to a small village in Africa at the bequest of his hero, idol, & favorite Prez: you-know-who. All the villagers were gathered together and the Congressman was asked to make a speech. He was given the services of a local interpeter who would translate everything the politician said to the villagers who spoke very little English.

"I am here today, because America cares about each & every person on this globe, as well as those in this village!" He started. The interpeter translated & the villagers all shouted out in one voice: "Huzza Ganada!"

Encouraged by their enthusiasm, the Congressman continued. "Yes, the USA is a great country, totally united and in agreement on the idea of treating everybody in a fair, humane manner!" Once again the crowd roared: "Huzza Ganada", this time waving their arms as well.

Totally enjoying the response the Congressman said: "In America, the best, smartest, & most loved American becomes the leader of his people, the nation, & gains much respect from the other nations in the world!"

"Huzza Ganada!" The crowd shouted. So emotionally overwelmed by the villagers' response the Congressman wiped tears from his eyes as he turned to his interpeter and said: "It is my understanding that your people raise the best cattle in the region. I, too, raise cattle back in America & would like to see your herd."

"Yes sir," his helper replied, we have many bulls that we supply to Spain & Mexico for their bullfights. They are over in that pasture over there, but we must be careful when we go in there not to step in all of the Huzza Ganada!" :innocent:

Sarge47

06-25-2009, 10:18 PM

Old Dogs
One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the panther with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs...:cool2:

Pal334

06-26-2009, 06:48 AM

Blind Man In A Biker Bar

A blind man wanders into an all - girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair – given that you are blind -- that you should know
Five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

2dumb2kwit

06-26-2009, 12:02 PM

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked,
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.'
:clap:

Sarge47

06-26-2009, 11:14 PM

So let's hear some "Blonde Guy" jokes!

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said , 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch , I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed , 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off , too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said , ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time , I'm jumping too.'

The next day , the Irishman opened his lunch box , saw corned beef and cabbage , and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch , saw a burrito , and jumped , too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch , saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral , the Irishman's wife was weeping... She said , 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage , I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said , 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said ,

'Don't look at me. The idiot made his own lunch...'
====================================

* Why did the blond man miss his flight?
He was just getting to the airport, so he went to Arrivals.

* Why did the blond man miss his second flight?
He was sure Gate C-3 was after gate B-2 which should have been after A-1.

* Why did the blond man get arrested by Airport Security?
The sign said 'Declare All Valuables' so he showed the officer the Family Jewels.

* Why were there no great blond male gunfighters in the old west?
They went broke having to buy a new gun after every six shots

* How do you confuse a blond man?
Tell him to alphabetically sort Social Security Numbers.

*Why did the blond man drown?
The sign said 'NO SWIMMING'.

* Why did the blond man move?
He heard on the news that a home invasion crime may happen where you live.
==========

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out, "GREEN SIDE UP!"
In the second room, she told the painter that she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing. In the third room, she said that she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blonde men laying sod across the street.

Enjoy! :cool2:

erunkiswldrnssurvival

06-29-2009, 04:28 PM

there was a survivalist lost in the woods.
he encountered a hermit.
the survivalist said; im starving have you any meat?
the hermit said: no but i have an apple that tastes like beef.
so the survivalist excepted it and took a bite.
the survivalist spat out the apple and said:man that tastes like crap!
the hermit said: you have to turn it around!

Pal334

06-30-2009, 11:18 AM

Three bodies at the mortuary ...

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles
on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector, "First body is a 72 year old
Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress.
Hence the enormous smile."

"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand
dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky.
Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

"The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi,
Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning."

"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought she was having her picture taken."

crashdive123

06-30-2009, 02:10 PM

For a second there I thought you were going to talk about plastic surgury and botox.

OICU812

07-02-2009, 01:36 AM

......One day a man is driving down the freeway with his 5 yr. old son, then out of nowhere a convertible sports car came whizzing past.
There was a very hot young blonde standing up waving to everyone while totally nude!
The father cringed and looked over at his little boy and then asked him, "By chance did you notice anything about the lady in that car?".
He said, "I sure did daddy, she did'nt have a seatbelt on!".
:lmao:
Never underestimate the innocence of a child.

Pal334

07-06-2009, 08:00 AM

One Nation, 'Under God.'

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a
Classroom. The teacher was going to explain
Evolution to the children. The teacher asked
A little boy: Tommy do you see the tree
Outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass
Outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see
If you can see the sky.

TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes
Later) Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER: Did you see God up there?

TOMMY: No.

TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see
God because he isn't there. Possibly he just
Doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the
Boy some questions.

The teacher agreed and the little girl asked
The boy: Tommy, do you see the tree
Outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass
Outside?

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the
Teacher?

TOMMY: Yes

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?

TOMMY: No

LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we
Were taught today in school, she possibly
May not even have one!

Sarge47

07-07-2009, 03:15 PM

A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagon load of corn on the road. A nearby farmer saw the accident and went over to have a look and found the boy trying to right the tipped wagon. "Hey Willie," the farmer said., "Forget your troubles for a spell and come have dinner with us. I'll help you with that wagon after we eat." "That's mighty nice of you, but Pa wouldn't like that," Willie replied.
"Aw, come on son. Take a break," the farmer insisted.
"Well, okay, " the boy finally agreed. "But Pa won't like it."
After a hearty meal, Willie thanked the farmer. "I feel a lot better now, but I just know that Pa will be upset."
"Nonsense," the farmer said. "Where is your pa anyway?"
"Under the wagon."

mountain mama

07-08-2009, 12:38 AM

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging,
Violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:

'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'

Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
Across in about 2 hours, having Almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength
And the tools to cross the river'

Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he
Was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:

'God, please give me the strength,
The tools and the intelligence to cross the river'

Poof! .. He was turned into a woman.

She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked Across
the bridge.

'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!

Pal334

07-08-2009, 06:56 AM

Mayonnaise Jar & Two Beers..
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him..
When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed..

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff.
'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children.
Spend time with your parents.
Visit with grandparents.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your spouse out to dinner.
Play another 18.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.
Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand.
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.

The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'

The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

crashdive123

07-08-2009, 07:05 AM

Very nice.

trax

07-08-2009, 10:55 AM

That was nice Pal, but the guy could've used water and not wasted two perfectly good beers.

Pal334

07-08-2009, 10:58 AM

That was nice Pal, but the guy could've used water and not wasted two perfectly good beers.

Ya know, you are the first to catch that. But what do you expect from a professor,, too much book learnin and not enough beer drinking

crashdive123

07-08-2009, 11:19 AM

Waste? I think not. He just ran it through a three stage filter first.

Pal334

07-08-2009, 11:29 AM

Always looking for the bright side :)

trax

07-08-2009, 11:31 AM

Waste? I think not. He just ran it through a three stage filter first.

I figure when it comes to beer, I'm really just filtering it anyway, so that's the only filter it needs

Ken

07-08-2009, 01:27 PM

That was nice Pal, but the guy could've used water and not wasted two perfectly good beers.

No big deal. I heard he used Bud. :innocent:

2dumb2kwit

07-08-2009, 03:51 PM

Alright.....which one of you guys, has been out, hunting with your dog???

Rick

07-08-2009, 04:37 PM

I'd dress like that too if I was going to sniff the back side of my dog.

Ken

07-09-2009, 08:42 PM

Little Johnny is at it again....

President Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the
discussion on the word 'tragedy'? So our illustrious president asked the
class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him,
would that be a tragedy?'

'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
over a cliff, killing everyone inside, would that be a tragedy?'

'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the
room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet
voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a
'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama.. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that
would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't
be a great loss... And it probably wouldn't be an accident either.'

Ken

07-10-2009, 09:56 PM

A TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog
chow for my loyal pet Biscuit, the Wonder Dog, and was in the
checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Purina Diet again.. I added that I probably
shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd
lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it
again. (Everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an
Irish Setter's a-- and a car hit us both.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in
the world to think of crazy things to say.

Sarge47

07-19-2009, 04:50 PM

How Many Forum Members Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb” … another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is “lamp”

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that “light bulb” is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL’s

3 to post about links they found from the URL’s that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add “Me too”

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say “didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”

13 to say “do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs”

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again. :):):):):):)

crashdive123

07-19-2009, 04:56 PM

Now that's funny (sadly all too true as well).

Hey --- that gives me an

http://www.inclusive-solutions.com/images/lightbulb_idea%5B1%5D.jpg

Pal334

07-21-2009, 01:05 PM

ITALIAN GRANDFATHERS

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the
family.

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying.. He calls his grandson to his bedside.
"Elio,

I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated

.38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex
Watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna DA business, you gonna
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of
bambinos "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man.

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'

Rick

07-21-2009, 01:20 PM

My wife and I walked out of the drugstore yesterday and a police officer was writing out a parking ticket.

"Hey, come on," I said. "Can't you give an old guy a break?"

The cop kept writing so my wife called him a jerk, which prompted him to write a second ticket. I told him he was a sorry excuse for a cop and that if I was a few years younger I'd whip some sense into him. He placed the two tickets under the wiper and started writing a third.

When my wife saw him start on the third ticket I had to physically hold her back. She called him a few names I can't post but suffice it to say a fourth ticket was written.

After the fourth ticket we kept our mouths shut and watched the police officer climb into his squad car and drive away never having said a thing.

I looked at my wife and we both started laughing. It wasn't our car. Hey, we're getting old we have to have some fun now and then.

Ken

07-21-2009, 01:25 PM

Now that's the Rick I've known all along. :sneaky2:

Pal334

07-23-2009, 07:07 AM

Classifieds
These classifieds actually ran in a Minneapolis newspaper - a smile for your day....

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER:
8-years old. Hateful little ba***rd. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES:
Mother, AKC German Shepherd..
Father, Super Dog..able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG:
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK:
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES:
California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE :
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one?:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Vat Da Hell, Ole ?

Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.

'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, ?' asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da.....'

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?

Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road... ..

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'. 'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'..

'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.

Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now vat da hell vould YOU say?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ken

07-28-2009, 11:30 AM

Why I fired my Secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,

she barely said good morning,
let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office,

I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered..

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..'

I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.

She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.

We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...

We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?'

She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,' Boss, if you don't mind,I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ....

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing

'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch...

Naked.