Joke of the day.

[Rick]

A guy goes into a hardware store and asks the manager for a tool to break up the hard ground. The manager shows him a wall of shovels, hoes, and other tools and says, "Take your pick".

[Rick]

"Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!" "What's the trouble?" "One night I dream that I'm a car's muffler. And then the next night, I dream that I'm part of the wheel." "Why is that such a big deal?" "I wake up exhausted and tired."

[Justin Case]

A guy runs into a dentist office on night, Doctor Doctor, Ya gotta help Me, I think I'm a Moth ! The Dentist says,, I cant help you, you need a Psychiatrist, Yes I know, but your Light was On !

[Justin Case]

Two Atoms are walking down the road, One says to the other, " I dont feel very good, I think I lost some electrons" Are you sure? said the other, "Yes, I'm Positive" !

[Rick]

Tom is obsessed with monorails. All he ever talks about is monorails - especially how amazing it is that they travel with the use of just a single rail. He has a one-track mind.

[crashdive123]

A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...

[Justin Case]

A Guy say "Doc, I have a real problem, every night have this crazy dream, First I'm a tepee, then I'm a Wigwam, Back and fourth, back and fourth" The Doctor says,, "Relax, you're just two tents"

[Rick]

John loves wheat - wheat bread, wheat rolls, wheat muffins - he can't get enough of wheat. Only problem: He's allergic to it. Whenever he eats it, he breaks out with a rash. But does that stop him from eating it? No, he's a real gluten for punishment.

[Rick]

A rancher was taking inventory of his livestock. He figured it wouldn't take him too long because he knew for a fact that he had exactly 196 head of cattle. But then he discovered that he actually had 200 head. How'd he find out? He rounded them up.

[Justin Case]

A Guy goes to the Doctor with a Banana in each ear and a grape in each nostril, The Doc says " I know what the trouble is, You dont eat right !"

[Rick]

A man heard about a discovery of gold in California. He immediately packed up his possessions and moved out west. Six months later, he gave up and returned home. Why? It didn't pan out.

[Justin Case]

Hmm,, I dont think I know anymore PG13 jokes :innocent:

[crashdive123]

Light travels faster than sound

This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

[Rick]

My last one... The state Treasurer had to balance the budget, so he sliced a little bit off the proposed funding for schools, parks, and other services. It was the most successful fund razor of the year.

[crashdive123]

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?

Both crews were marooned

[crashdive123]

Here's one for you know who....

Did you hear about the new "Divorce Barbie"?

It comes with all of Ken's stuff

[crashdive123]

"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!"

"Sit down and I'll deal with you later."

[crashdive123]

"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a bridge!"

"What's come over you?"

[crashdive123]

"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains!"

"Pull yourself together!"

[Justin Case]

Roflmbo !! Lol

[Rick]

A divorce court judge said to the husband, "Ken, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $800 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," Ken replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

[Sarge47]

People in Clackamas County, Oregon have a warped sense of humor.

At a view point just outside Molalla, Oregon, a deer was struck by a vehicle. At the same area, a couch had been dumped there earlier. And thus this story unfolds…

Day two the deer was on the couch.

Day three the end table and lamp showed up.

Day four the TV and TV stand showed up.

On day five a Trooper had to call ODOT because of all the people stopping to take pictures.

The Cardboard caption in front of the couch reads:
"Sorry Hunters. Obama ruined health care. We can't afford to have injured hunters on our conscience, so I'm staying home! Sorry, the Deer."

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_jD-T4d9ovds/S7dTIOHmciI/AAAAAAAACU0/TlnNkSjiDiQ/s400/Erase.jpg (http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_jD-T4d9ovds/S7dTIOHmciI/AAAAAAAACU0/TlnNkSjiDiQ/s1600/Erase.jpg)


:innocent: :sneaky2: :cool2:

[Rick]

Three guys were out fishing when an angel suddenly appeared in the boat with them. The first guy was a bit apprehensive but finally said, "If you're really an angel then you could probably do something about my bad back."

The angel touched his back and he felt immediate relief.

The second guy pointed to his coke bottle glasses and said he had been nearly blind his whole life. The angel took his glasses and tossed them in the lake. As soon as they hit the water everything came into perfect view. His sight was fully restored.

The angel turned to the third guy, "Don't touch me!" he screamed. "I'm on disability!!"

[Justin Case]

Three guys were out fishing when an angel suddenly appeared in the boat with them. The first guy was a bit apprehensive but finally said, "If you're really an angel then you could probably do something about my bad back."

The angel touched his back and he felt immediate relief.

The second guy pointed to his coke bottle glasses and said he had been nearly blind his whole life. The angel took his glasses and tossed them in the lake. As soon as they hit the water everything came into perfect view. His sight was fully restored.

The angel turned to the third guy, "Don't touch me!" he screamed. "I'm on disability!!"

LOL LOL Good one ! :)

[2dumb2kwit]

The General is a quick thinker..

President Obama was having that one, lone brief conversation this year with General McChrystal about Afghanistan .

Things were obviously not going the way the General had hoped. Obama could sense this, and told him, "I bet when I die, you'll pee on my grave."

To which General McChrystal answers, "No sir, I've always said that when I get out of the Army, I'll never again wait in another line."

[Ken]

A divorce court judge said to the husband, "Ken, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $800 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," Ken replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

Ken wishes it was $800 a week. :sneaky2:

[BENESSE]

Ken wishes it was $800 a week. :sneaky2:

Would you rather save the money and be with her?:sneaky2:

[BENESSE]

Pfft! He married that prize...then had to spend all that money to get rid of her.......and he calls me dumb.:innocent:

He should think of it as a "get out of jail" fee.

[2dumb2kwit]

Well....since my little yankee buddy ain't here to take up for himself, let's just say that the suffering and expense, was the price he paid, for the kids, that she gave him.

(Hey...... we gotta make him think it was worth it, right?) :innocent:

[BENESSE]

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

[Justin Case]

" FATHER OF THE YEAR "

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle
from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours ? "

He replied, " No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints. "

I WISH I COULD THINK THAT QUICKLY!

[Ken]

Here's one for you know who....

Did you hear about the new "Divorce Barbie"?

It comes with all of Ken's stuff

I just read this for the first time. Between you and Sarge, there's gonna' be a lot of changes made to my will. :sneaky2:

[Rick]

Despicable, Ken. That joke is truly despicable....buddy.

[BLEUXDOG]

Despicable, Ken. That joke is truly despicable....buddy.


Rick need some Chapstick??:winkiss:

[Rick]

No. No thanks. His will, will work just fine. But thanks for asking.

[Ken]

Despicable, Ken. That joke is truly despicable....buddy.

*note to self: Make sure estate planning lawyer spells Rick's last name correctly.*

[BENESSE]

*note to self: Make sure estate planning lawyer spells Rick's last name correctly.*

Could be just me, but I didn't get the Ken & Rick sitting in a tree memo.

[Justin Case]

Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[Sarge47]

I just read this for the first time. Between you and Sarge, there's gonna' be a lot of changes made to my will. :sneaky2:
It's not YOUR will I want to be in, it's your ex-wife's will since she got all of your stuff.So big deal, Rick & I miss out on a couple of Beagles and a yard full of squirrels! :innocent: :sneaky2:

[Ken]

What was that? :sneaky2:

http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:pn6mG_hFCKTxhM:http://www.unclefunk.com/corner/images/fly.jpg (http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.unclefunk.com/corner/images/fly.jpg&imgrefurl=http://scottwilson-amusia.blogspot.com/2010/02/buzzing-1-schopenhauer-musia-and-fly.html&usg=__XNZNxJsmxdHKrXUSjl0aIG0GIOE=&h=300&w=359&sz=11&hl=en&start=2&um=1&itbs=1&tbnid=pn6mG_hFCKTxhM:&tbnh=101&tbnw=121&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dbuzzing%2Bfly%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa fe%3Doff%26tbs%3Disch:1)

*reaches for the fly-swatter*

[BLEUXDOG]

:cool: And don't forget the ducks!

[Rick]

Several customers were sitting in a barbershop when a kid crosses the street walking toward the shop.

"Hey fellas," said the barber with a smirk. "Here comes the world's dumbest kid. You just watch this."

The barber takes out a dollar in one hand and two quarters in the other. The kid walks into the shop, looks at the barber, takes the two quarters and leaves.

"Whad I tell ya?" asked the barber with a laugh.

About an hour later one of the customers passes the boy, who is standing outside a candy shop.

"Say, son, I was at the barbershop this morning when you came in. Why did you take the two quarters and not the dollar?"

The kid turned to the man, "'Cause the minute I take that dollar, the game's over."

Never judge a book by its cover. That's what my momma always said.

[2dumb2kwit]

I think I've posted this before, but what the heck.....It's a classic. :innocent: LOL


The Pope
and Nancy Pelosi are on the same
stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge
crowd.

The

Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave

of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will

not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll

forever speak of this day and rejoice!"


Pelosi

replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show

me!"

So the Pope backhanded the Wench.

Kind of

brings tears to your eyes, don't it.

[Sarge47]

I think I've posted this before, but what the heck.....It's a classic. :innocent: LOL
I'm not catholic, but bless the Pope anyway! :sneaky2:

[Sarge47]

>>25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1.My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2.My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3.My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
" If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!"

4.My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going
to the store with me.."

6.My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7.My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8.My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9.My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10.My mother taught me about STAMINA..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11.My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12.My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13.My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15.My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16.My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17.My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18.My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE..
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19.My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20.My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21.My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22.My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23.My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24.My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite:My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:

[2dumb2kwit]

A Blond, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The Blond said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the Blond came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the Blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the Blond added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[Justin Case]

A Blond, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The Blond said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the Blond came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the Blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the Blond added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

:clap::clap::clap: ha ha ,, good One !!

[Pal334]

I think these folks have a real good reason for a job action.

http://www.9wsyr.com/entertainment/weirdnews/story/Workers-strike-over-beer-limits/WbQutTaeKkOkwVIZKGJb6Q.cspx

Workers strike over beer limits

Last Update: 4/12 9:04 am


Beer (Cate Gillon, Getty Images/file)
Workers at the Carlsberg beer warehouse in Denmark have been on strike after bosses reduced the amount of time staff can drink beer during working hours.
The staff was allowed to drink any time they wanted, but new regulations have restricted consuming free beer to lunchtime only.
A representative for the striking employees claims they were not consulted about the change, and he cites their accident-free record to prove his point that the all-day drinking allowance wasn't a problem.

[Sarge47]

I think these folks have a real good reason for a job action.

http://www.9wsyr.com/entertainment/weirdnews/story/Workers-strike-over-beer-limits/WbQutTaeKkOkwVIZKGJb6Q.cspx

Workers strike over beer limits

Last Update: 4/12 9:04 am


Beer (Cate Gillon, Getty Images/file)
Workers at the Carlsberg beer warehouse in Denmark have been on strike after bosses reduced the amount of time staff can drink beer during working hours.
The staff was allowed to drink any time they wanted, but new regulations have restricted consuming free beer to lunchtime only.
A representative for the striking employees claims they were not consulted about the change, and he cites their accident-free record to prove his point that the all-day drinking allowance wasn't a problem.
When asked if they thought this was worth striking over, one of the worker's replied: "Ya durn right! Who are wheeze guys...deese guys...uh, who dey...hmmm...yep, we do!" :sneaky2:

[2dumb2kwit]

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE




A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know ****?

[Batch]

Fella is out hiking and he come on to a guy who is hugging a tree. He asks if the guy is ok and the guy says yeah. He says if you hug the tree you can hear nature. He tells the guy to try it.

As soon as the guy hugs the tree the other guy handcuffs him to the tree and steals his clothes and wallet.

Awhile later a guy comes walking down the trail and sees the first guy handcuffed. He asks why and the guy tells him. A second later the guy hears a zipper and the guy whispers in his ear, "this just isn't your day!"


If that is too risque delete it.

[nell67]

Dear Lord,this year,you took my favorite actor,Patrick Swayzie. You took my favorite actress,Farrah Fawcett. You took my favorite singer,Michael Jackson.I just wanted you to know,my favorite president is Barack Obama.

Amen.

[2dumb2kwit]

Atlanta Airport



You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others... Southerners can be so polite!


Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R"

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R


Allah be Praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R.

Allah is Great."







Pause....

Saudi Air: ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC!"


Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."


Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"



Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us --

[BENESSE]

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting
their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told
you each pill was $10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

[Justin Case]

Good one !!!! :clap:

[Justin Case]

YOU WILL GET A SMILE FROM THIS ONE!

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
But, as time went by, the traffic
slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office
and said, "You've got to do something about all
of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."


"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers
go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW:
SCHOOL CROSSING


Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff
and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.
The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county
workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW:
CHILDREN AT PLAY





That really sped them up. So Farmer John called
and called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
doing no good.. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.."
He was going to let Farmer John do just about
anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.


The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the
sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call..
"How's the problem with those drivers.
Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been
killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to
himself, "I'd better go out there and take a
look at that sign... it might be something that
WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house,
and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
It was spray painted on a sheet of wood....

NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for chicks!

[BENESSE]

A guy and a girl are in the backseat of his car having sex.
The guy says to the girl, "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time."

The girl replies, "Hell, if I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off my pantyhose."

[Pal334]

Like most folks in this country, I have a job. I work, they

pay me. I pay my taxes & the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.

In order to get that paycheck, in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test (with which I have no problem).

What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.

So, here is my question: Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?

Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their BUTT----doing drugs while I work.

Can you imagine how much money each state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

I guess we could call the program "URINE OR YOU'RE OUT"!


Pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don't. Hope you all will pass it along, though. Something has to change in this country!!!!!!!!

[BENESSE]

Agree 100%!!!

[Justin Case]

+ 1, Agreed,,, That and no new Babies allowed ,,

BTW, why is this in Jokes ?

[Pal334]

+ 1, Agreed,,, That and no new Babies allowed ,,

BTW, why is this in Jokes ?

Just because :) Did not want to start a new thread

[Sarge47]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to
hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished
the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin
writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she
finishes, her charge is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush
got to call the USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has
gone to hell, so it's a local call." :sneaky2:

[Justin Case]

WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.


What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.


Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.


What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.


What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?


Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2 She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.


Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.


What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.


What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.


What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

[2dumb2kwit]

Strange. When I read this, for some reason, I thought of Pal.:innocent:


An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "Previously, it would take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

[2dumb2kwit]

"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.


Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."


The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy; the whole congregation joined in with enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."

[Justin Case]

LOL,, :) good one

[woodsman86]

Let Me See If I Got This Right!!!


If You Cross The North Korean Border Illegally
You Get 12 Years Hard Labor.

If You Cross The Iranian Border Illegally
You Are Detained Indefinitely.

If You Cross The Afghan Border Illegally
You Get Shot.

If You Cross The Saudi Arabian Border Illegally
You Will Be Jailed.

If You Cross The Chinese Border Illegally
You May Never Be Heard From Again.

If You Cross The Venezuelan Border Illegally
You Will Be Branded A Spy And Your Fate Will Be Sealed.

If You Cross The Cuban Border Illegally
You Will Be Thrown Into Political Prison To Rot.

If You Cross The U.s. Border Illegally You Get
1 - A Job,
2 - A Drivers License,
3 - Social Security Card,
4 - Welfare,
5 - Food Stamps,
6 - Credit Cards,
7 - Subsidized Rent Or A Loan To Buy A House,
8 - Free Education,
9 - Free Health Care,
10 - A Lobbyist In Washington
11 - Billions Of Dollars Worth Of Public Documents Printed In Your Language
12 - And The Right To Carry Your Country's Flag While You Protest That You Don't Get Enough Respect


I Just Wanted To Make Sure I Had A Firm Grasp On The Situation...

[Ken]

Great post! Rep going your way, woodsman! :clap:

[Pal334]

Strange. When I read this, for some reason, I thought of Pal.:innocent:

Oh Yea? I lock myself in the closet and tell her I won't come out :drool:

[Pal334]

May be a re post, but still a goody

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you .... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

[woodsman86]

Great post! Rep going your way, woodsman! :clap:

Thanks...it is an unfortunate funny reality

[Rick]

Several years ago I had changed cell phone numbers at work and hadn't updated my voice message after a few days. So it was still the default pass code. Some moron from the DC area called into my voice message and left a string of vulgarities as my voice message. Not cool for a work number. I did, however, have caller ID. And working for the phone company, it didn't take much to find out a whole lot of information on the fool. I did have a lot of fun at his expense.

[woodsman86]

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2010

Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2010 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2010 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2010 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school..
1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with a school buddy that has a headache also.
2010 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2010 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 7:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

[Sarge47]

LIFE EXPLAINED!


On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the
door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For
this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people,
do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year
life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have
calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will
give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play,
marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and
the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and
enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. :sneaky2:

[tsitenha]

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

[Sarge47]

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says
to the old rooster: "time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of
these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me
have the two old hens over in the corner?' The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'

The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you
around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the
entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't
stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head
start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the
farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The
farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters running by.

The old rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head
and says, Third gay rooster I bought this month.'
Moral of this story? ...

Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery overcomes youth and arrogance! :sneaky2:

[Justin Case]

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

[2dumb2kwit]

First Class Blond

A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a
ticket for the coach section.

She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and morecomfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that
her seat is in coach.

The blond replies, "Im young, blond and beautiful, and Im going to sit here all the way to LA." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem.

The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach. Again, the blond replies, "Im young, blond and beautiful, and Im going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesnt want to cause a commotion and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend and that he can take care of the problem.

He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blondes ear. She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isnt going to LA."

[rwc1969]

How amny survivalists does it take to set up a tent? None! somebody else would have already done it while the survivalists decided what the best approach would be. LOL! :)

[Rick]

None! They don't use tents. They would build a wikiup out of young saplings, bark and a quarter sheet of tarp someone discarded. They would heat it with a hobo stove made from a large pork and beans can found along the trail and prepare to going fishing with home made cordage made while they warmed up in the wikiup. Come on man, we're talkin' survivalists!!!!!!

[Pal334]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red
light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked
up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered
her to exit her car with her hands up..

He took her to the police station where she was searched,
fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened
the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the
arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up
behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy
in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What
Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate
holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the
chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I
assumed you had stolen the car.''

[nell67]

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question,
Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?
I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young:... See More
I was drug to church on Sunday morning.
I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults, when I disobeyed my parents,
told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.
I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and the cockleburs out of dad's fields.
I was drug to the homes of family and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, the world would be a better place.

[crashdive123]

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question,
Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?
I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young:... See More
I was drug to church on Sunday morning.
I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults, when I disobeyed my parents,
told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.
I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and the cockleburs out of dad's fields.
I was drug to the homes of family and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, the world would be a better place.

There's a whole lot of truth in those words.

[Pal334]

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true.

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60
and heading towards 70!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

And Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[nell67]

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel " Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land". Nearly 40 years ago, Lyndon B. Johnson said, " Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land". Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the promised land!

[nell67]

Dear Friends,
My neighbor was recently in the hospital for a small surgical procedure, a butt lift. She didn't have the most pleasant of experiences. I wanted to show you how it turned out. I think something went wrong. I don't recommend having this done.

[Winnie]

That's almost as bad as THAT Rick picture, Nell!!

[crashdive123]

That's almost as bad as THAT Rick picture, Nell!!

It's thong boys cousin.

[Winnie]

Ahhh, it all makes sense now.

[nell67]

That's almost as bad as THAT Rick picture, Nell!!
Sorry Winnie!:blushing::innocent:

[Rick]

I just threw up a little.

[nell67]

I just threw up a little.
Now you know how us ladies feel when that other picture gets posted.

[Rick]

Hey! Talk to Justin. He's the one that keeps posting it.

[nell67]

Hey! Talk to Justin. He's the one that keeps posting it.
Yea,well the women of Wilderness-Survival forum are developing their own FART team (WOWSF-FART) to take care of him is he does not stop posting it.....

[Ken]

Yea,well the women of Wilderness-Survival forum are developing their own FART team (WOWSF-FART) to take care of him is he does not stop posting it.....

You can PM Crashdive for Justin's address. Just sayin'. :innocent:

[nell67]

You can PM Crashdive for Justin's address. Just sayin'. :innocent:
LOL:) Thanks Ken!

[Justin Case]

Hey! Talk to Justin. He's the one that keeps posting it.

Sure , Throw Poor Justin under the bus :sneaky2:

[Rick]

It looked more like a dive to me.

[Justin Case]

Now This is a Hell of a way to wake up,, Y'all are lucky I haven't had any coffee
yet ! :blushing:

[Ken]

Sure , Throw Poor Justin under the bus :sneaky2:

Sarge wants to be the busdriver. :innocent:

[crashdive123]

Yea,well the women of Wilderness-Survival forum are developing their own FART team (WOWSF-FART) to take care of him is he does not stop posting it.....

I'm just glad nobody is starting up the Senior Members Eloquently Living Like Yesteryear Fairly Agile Response Team.:innocent:

[Ken]

I'm just glad nobody is starting up the Senior Members Eloquently Living Like Yesteryear Fairly Agile Response Team.:innocent:

How about if they were "elegant" instead of "eloquent?" :innocent:

[crashdive123]

How about if they were "elegant" instead of "eloquent?" :innocent:

hehehehehehehe - hope she is doing well.

[Justin Case]

he he he he

http://www.all4humor.com/images/files/Nice%20Thong.jpg

[Ken]

he he he he

http://www.all4humor.com/images/files/Nice%20Thong.jpg

Did you both have a good time on your date last night, Justin? :sneaky2:

[Justin Case]

It was Late and i could see that she was Hor,,,,,, um,, Nevermind :whistling:

[BENESSE]

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

[Justin Case]

what do dogs do to the cars they catch ? :innocent:

[nell67]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2mKEURk4AOg

[Justin Case]

Lol,, Yikes !

[HeritageFarm]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2mKEURk4AOg

The cop seems to be enjoying it as much as the dog.

[nell67]

"Vegetarian" - "veg-eh-tare-ian" : Indian word means BAD HUNTER !!!

[HeritageFarm]

Politicians have no moral fiber - they're all acrylic.

[2dumb2kwit]

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..

[Rick]

You just summed up my life in four lines. And I'm content. Go figure.

[Sarge47]

Joe, an avid outdoors-man & hunter, was in his favorite bar, knocking back a cold brew, when in walks a very good hunting buddy he hasn't seen for awhile.

"Bill!" he exclaims, "Where ya been ole' pal? I haven't seen you in a coon's age!"

"Well," Bill says, " I was out deer hunting last year when a large Black Bear came out of the bush, seemingly from no where, knocked my gun out of my hands, and started attacking me. I grabbed my hunting knife and managed to fight it off. Ut ran away & I found myself in the hospital for awhile & I've been healing ever since."

"Wow!" Joe says, "Have a scar?"

"No thanks," Bill replies, "I don't smoke."

[2dumb2kwit]

Chicken...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was,and I said,''FRIED CHICKEN.''She said I wasn't funny,but she couldn't have been right,every-one else in the class laughed.My parents told me to always be honest,and I am.Fried chicken is my favorite animal.I told my dad what happened,and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.He said they love animals very much.I do,too.Especially chicken,pork and beef.Anyway,my teacher sent me to the principal's office.I told him what happened,and he laughed too.Then he told me not to do it again.The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.I told her it was chicken.She asked me why,just like she had asked the other children.So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.She sent me back to the principal's office again.He laughed,and told me not to do it again.I don't understand.My parents taught me to be honest,but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.Today,my teacher asked us to tell her what Famous person we admire most.I told her,''Colonel Sanders''.
Guess where I am now....

[Justin Case]

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..


An elderly gentleman... .
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.... Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

[Pal334]

I owe my mother




1.. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA ..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16.. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23.. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:
25.. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"

[Pal334]

TWO WOLVES

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

"One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

"The other is God - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

[Rick]

Jimmy Buffett in the 21st Century...

http://www.worldchanging.com/Oil%20Spill_Luckovich%20Cartoon.jpg

[2dumb2kwit]

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for
a living.

All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman,
doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
teacher prodded him about his father, he finally replied, 'Okay...my father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with
some guy and stay with him all night for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'

'No', the boy said, 'He actually works for the Democratic National Committee
and helped get Barack Obama elected President last year, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class.'

[Justin Case]

:sneaky2::sneaky2::sneaky2: , :blushing:

[Pal334]

Subject: When you marry a Jersey Girl
Three friends married women from different parts of the country….
The first one married a woman from California. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second one married a woman from Utah. He told her that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he did not see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third guy married a girl from New Jersey. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything. But by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out f his left eye, his arm was healed enough that he could fix a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has difficulty when he pees.

[Rick]

The recession is hitting everyone. Just last week, a Washington lobby organization had to lay off seven congressmen.

[nell67]

TWENTY DOLLARS


On their wedding night, the young bride


Approached her new husband and asked


For $20..00 for their first lovemaking


Encounter. In his highly aroused state,


Her husband readily agreed.


This scenario was repeated each time they made


Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a


Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that


She needed.


Arriving home around noon one day, she was


Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.


During the next few minutes, he explained that


His employer was going through a process of corporate


Downsizing, and he had been let go.




It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of depositsissued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

[BENESSE]

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

:laugh::lol:

[2dumb2kwit]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet, New

York scientist found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and

came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone

network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a
California archaeologist dug

to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read:

California archaeologist, finding of 200 year old copper wire, has

concluded that his ancestors already had an advanced high-tech

communications network a hundred years earlier than the New

Yorkers.

One week later, a local newspaper in Myrtle Beach stated

that after digging as deep as 30 feet in his Horry County backyard,

Bubba, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely

nothing. Bubba therefore concluded that 300 years ago, South Carolina

had already gone wireless.

Just makes you proud to be a

Southerner, don't it.

[Justin Case]

LOL LOL GOOD ONE !!! :smash:

[Rick]

As I'm sure all of you know, Gary Coleman recently passed away. He was laid to rest in a specially designed, stainless steel coffin with his name engraved on the side.
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http://cache.gawker.com/assets/images/4/2009/08/500x_coleman-steel-belted-cooler.jpg

I know, I know. That's pretty bad. But you have to admit it's pretty funny, too.

[Justin Case]

Oh Rick,, you are gonna go straight to hell for that one ! :innocent:

[woodsman86]

Though this may not be a joke per say, it made me laugh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4GTfq2m-SnY

[Justin Case]

Though this may not be a joke per say, it made me laugh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4GTfq2m-SnY

LOL LOL,, made me laugh too !

[2dumb2kwit]

Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
:innocent:

[Justin Case]

Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
:innocent:

Confucius say ?

[2dumb2kwit]

Confucius say ?

....or maybe Rick.:innocent: LOL

[Pal334]

Although this is not a joke, I decided to put it here rather than start a new thread.
As a "nod" to the agreed upon forum rules, where ever you see ****** please insert the word or phrase of your choice :)



YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN
I Am the *******’S Worst Nightmare.
I am an American.
I am a ******* and believe in God.
I ride Harley Davidson Motorcycles and believe in American products.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some ****** governmental functionary be it ******* or ******!
I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.
I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.
Get over it !

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, do it in English.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it.
I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you!

I believe if you don't like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country!

This is AMERICA .

We like it the way it is !


If you were born here and don't like it you are free to move to any Socialist country that will have you.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution.




I also think the cops have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license.

I think it's good.... And I'm proud that 'God' is written on my money.




I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause.

Get a Job and do your part!

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

I believe 'illegal' is illegal no matter what the lawyers think.

I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed in AMERICA !

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

[BENESSE]

Amen from another Bad American.

[Asger]

(I apologise to all the ladies in advance for this one!)
Why do women suck at skiing?
Because theres no snow between the kitchen and the bedroom!

[woodsman86]

YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN
I Am the *******’S Worst Nightmare.
I am an American...

...I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed in AMERICA !

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

Amen Pal!! Nothing I could add to that.

[Rick]

Please let me add one. I don't want to push any button for English. There shouldn't be a choice. It should only be in English. Period. End of discussion.

[Pal334]

I have to agree with you. Although my household (and me by default) is multi lingual (English, Spanish, Thai and Laotian), everyone speaks english. Even in Puerto Rico which is a Spanish speaking Common Wealth, all official business is conducted in English.

[Sarge47]

I have to agree with you. Although my household (and me by default) is multi lingual (English, Spanish, Thai and Laotian), everyone speaks english. Even in Puerto Rico which is a Spanish speaking Common Wealth, all official business is conducted in English.
Aww, c'mon Pal...you live in New jersey, nobody there speaks English! :innocent: :sneaky2:

[Pal334]

Alright Sarge, I confess, I speak Joiseian or some such. If I go to the northern part of the state, I take a translator

[Sarge47]

Now that's funny, I don't care where Pal's from! :innocent: :sneaky2:

[Sarge47]

WOMEN'S BUTT SIZE STUDY

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their butts;
the results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their butt is too fat.............
10% of women think their butt is too skinny.......
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man
and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

:innocent: :sneaky2:

[crimescene450]

this is a sign my brother in law has in his garage.

sorry its sideways, i canty get it to turn without making it take up the entire screen.

[Winnie]

Does your brother know Sourdough?

[2dumb2kwit]

Does your brother know Sourdough?

Now, that's funny! LOL:tongue_smilie:

[BENESSE]

first Book Of Democrat

Obama Is A Shepherd,

I Shall Not Want.

He Leadeth Me Beside Still Factories.

He Restoreth My Faith In The Republican Party.

He Guideth Me In The Path Of Unemployment..

Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of The Bread Line,

I Shall Not Go Hungry.

Obama Has Anointed My Income With Taxes,

My Expenses Runneth Over My Income,

Surely, Poverty And Hard Living Will Follow Me

All The Days Of My Life.

And I Will Live Forever

In A Rented Home.

But I Am Glad I Am An American,

I Am Glad That I Am Free.

But I Wish I Was A Dog

And Obama Was A Tree.

[oly]

Gosh,
I'm rich!


Silver
in the Hair

Gold
in the Teeth

Stones
in the Kidneys

Sugar
in the Blood.

Lead
in the ***


Iron
in the Arteries

And
an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.


I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth.

[Ken]

Eavesdropping...‏ :innocent:

http://media.mtvnservices.com/player/loader/?CONFIG_URL=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia.mtvnservices.com%2F player%2Fconfig.jhtml%3Furi%3Dmgid%253Acms%253Amvi deo%253Acmt.com%253A40319%26group%3Dmusic%26type%3 Dnormal%26ref%3dsn101w.snt101.mail.live.com&uri=mgid%3Acms%3Amvideo%3Acmt.com%3A40319&group=music&type=normal&ref=sn101w.snt101.mail.live.com&geo=US

[2dumb2kwit]

I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend
and I had been dating for
over a year and so we
decided to get married.

There was only one
little thing bothering me...
It was her beautiful
younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was
near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Pal334]

The Pastor's A**

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race
and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again
and it won again.

The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
A** OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to
enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S A**.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.


The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun
in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news,
posted the following headline
the next day:


NUN HAS BEST A** IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN
SELLS A** FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey
and lead it to the plains
where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES
HER A** IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . .
being concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery . .
even shorten your life.


So be yourself and enjoy life.


Stop worrying about everyone else's a**
and you'll be a lot happier
and live longer!

Have a nice day!

[2dumb2kwit]

These are just for humor, not political discussion.

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

--Conan O'Brien



The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and
think 25 to life would be appropriate.

--Jay Leno


America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.

--Jay Leno


Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.

--Jay Leno


Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to
society. The other is for housing prisoners.

--David Letterman


Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean
and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!

--Jimmy Fallon


Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.

--Jimmy Kimmel


Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.

--David Letterman

[mountain mama]

2dumb, where's the joke?

[Sarge47]

FW: poor choice of words for a headline‏:

Tired Gay succumbs to Dix in 200 meters
http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE6622I420100703

:innocent: :sneaky2::noway::confused1:

[Ken]

FW: poor choice of words for a headline‏:

Tired Gay succumbs to Dix in 200 meters
http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE6622I420100703

:innocent: :sneaky2::noway::confused1:

No big deal. It was only the Prefontaine Classic Diamond League meeting. Wait until the Olympics. You'll see. Gay may blow a few, but he won't choke on the big one. :innocent:

[2dumb2kwit]

I was testing the children

in my Sunday school class

to see if they understood the concept
of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale , and gave all my money , to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy,
would that get me into Heaven?

Again, the answer was, 'NO!'

By now I was starting to smile.

Hey, this was fun!

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals
and gave candy
to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?'

I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, 'NO!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.
'Well,' I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'


A five-year-old boy shouted out,
'YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.'

[Justin Case]

Ha ha ha,, Good one !

[2dumb2kwit]

I can't remember if this one has been posted.:blushing:
Oh, well....



An elderly man in Kentucky had owned a large farm for several Years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so He fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while to look it over. He grabbed a Five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with Glee... As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women Skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator."


Some old men can still think fast.

[woodsman86]

BS and Brilliance

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts .. age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[Sarge47]

One for the ladies


One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What
setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out
of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if
I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and
said that because they had been so good that each one of them could
have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And
Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll
beat him to death.

----------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'

:sneaky2: :sneaky2: :sneaky2:

[Rick]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

Little Larry should be out of time out by 2019.

[Justin Case]

Mommy do people go to Heaven feet first ?

I don't know, why ?

Because Daddy is upstairs with the Maid, she's got her feet in the air screaming "Oh God I'm coming" and he's trying to hold her down.

[Rick]

The Story of the Post Turtle

http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/postturtle.jpg

One day a 75 year old rancher caught his hand in the gate while working his cattle. The cut was pretty bad, beyond just wrapping it and goin' ahead with the days chores. So he called upon the town's doctor to have it stitched. As the doctor sutured the old man's hand he struck up a conversation with him. Eventually the topic got around to Obama, and his being our president.

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is just a Post Turtle."

Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked, What's a "Post Turtle?"

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he sure as heck ain't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb a$$ put him up there in the first place."

There was no charge for the stitchin'.

[Pal334]

These are our rules!
Please note... they are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail, and witchcraft.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one! Subtle
hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not
work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
; We have NO idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an
answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine... Really!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the
couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like
camping.

[BENESSE]

Cute rules.
I can see how life would be so much simpler if only half were followed.

[nell67]

Cute rules.
I can see how life would be so much simpler if only half were followed.
BEE,don't encourage him,it WILL get him in deep doo doo!

[BENESSE]

The following ad in "The Atlanta Journal" is reported to have gotten numerous calls....

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call and ask for "Daisy."

Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Local Humane Society about an eight-week-old black LABRADOR retriever......

[BENESSE]

BEE,don't encourage him,it WILL get him in deep doo doo!

Well that's the point, Nell. :sneaky2:

[nell67]

the Following Ad In "the Atlanta Journal" Is Reported To Have Gotten Numerous Calls....

Single Black Female... Seeks Male Companionship, Ethnicity Unimportant. I'm A Very Good Looking Girl Who Loves To Play. I Love Long Walks In The Woods, Riding In Your Pickup Truck, Hunting, Camping, And Fishing Trips, Cozy Winter Nights Lying By The Fire. Candlelight Dinners Will Have Me Eating Out Of Your Hand. Rub Me The Right Way And Watch Me Respond. I'll Be At The Front Door When You Get Home From Work, Wearing Only What Nature Gave Me. Kiss Me And I'm Yours. Call And Ask For "daisy."

over 150 Men Found Themselves Talking To The Local Humane Society About An Eight-week-old Black Labrador Retriever......
Lmao!!!!!!!!

[Pal334]

OK ladies. It is too late for me, just trying to help some of the younger male members :)

[BENESSE]

Pal, are you saying you can't teach an old dog new tricks? :)
(btw. it's never too late...try one and see how it works out.)

[BushedOut]

Ha Ha Ha.. Very funny!

[Rick]

Hey bushed out, why not laugh you way over to our Introduction section and tell us a bit about yourself?

http://www.wilderness-survival.net/forums/showthread.php?t=7813

[Justin Case]

Maybe he's too tired ? :innocent:

[Pal334]

Pal, are you saying you can't teach an old dog new tricks? :)
(btw. it's never too late...try one and see how it works out.)

I guess you could teach an old dog new tricks, but when you have a "catch" such as me, not sure it would be worth the effort :online2long:

[BENESSE]

I suppose you can always "play dead".
Works for Mr. B.

[Rick]

We've all heard the old story of the ant and the grasshopper. Well, here's today's version:

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green...'

ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, “We shall overcome.”

Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper's sake.

President Obama condems the ant and blames President Bush, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has
gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and,
having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because thegrasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood.

The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.

[hunter63]

Not really a joke, but I can relate.

Speaking of Marines.....................


If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!


A United States Marine was taking some college courses
between assignments. He had completed 20 missions in Iraq
and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who
was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.


One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.
He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "GOD, if you are real, then
I want you to knock me off this platform... I'll give you exactly 15 min."
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes
went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got
out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him;
knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.
The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there
looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to,
noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked,
"What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied,
"GOD was too busy today protecting America's
soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid
stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me."

The classroom erupted in cheers!

[Pal334]

I suppose you can always "play dead".
Works for Mr. B.

Hmmm,, I should share the best "trick" with him. Always get that last words in during an arguement, "Yes Dear"

[BENESSE]

This might help clarify some basics:

[BENESSE]

Hmmm,, I should share the best "trick" with him. Always get that last words in during an arguement, "Yes Dear"

Works for me!

[Justin Case]

Not really a joke, but I can relate.

Speaking of Marines.....................


If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!


A United States Marine was taking some college courses
between assignments. He had completed 20 missions in Iraq
and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who
was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.


One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.
He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "GOD, if you are real, then
I want you to knock me off this platform... I'll give you exactly 15 min."
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes
went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got
out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him;
knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.
The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there
looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to,
noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked,
"What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied,
"GOD was too busy today protecting America's
soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid
stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me."

The classroom erupted in cheers!

is he still in Jail ? :innocent:

[Rick]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the frothy head.

The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened.

The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you little twit!"

[Rick]

Q: What's the most successful pickup line ever?
A: "Does this smell like chloroform?"

[Pal334]

Never squat with yer spurs on.

There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman; neither one works.

Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

Never smack a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.

It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back in.

Finally, never miss a good chance to shut up.

[2dumb2kwit]

A $50 Lesson.

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.

She said she wanted to be President someday.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her: "If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied: "I'd give food to the homeless people."

Her parents beamed with pride.

"Wow... what a worthy goal," I told her. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my patio, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked: "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'

I said: "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

[Justin Case]

who would hire a homeless guy, no car, dirty clothes, sick and hungry ?

[2dumb2kwit]

who would hire a homeless guy, no car, dirty clothes, sick and hungry ?

Evil, rich, white guys I guess. Isn't that who hires the dirty, hungry, illegal aliens, that don't have cars? You know....the ones who are the reason for the illegals coming here.:innocent:

[2dumb2kwit]

who would hire a homeless guy, no car, dirty clothes, sick and hungry ?

LOL...you know....as hard a time as you have seeing the point, I bet you cut yourself every time you pick up a knife! LOL:tongue_smilie::blushing::innocent:

[Pal334]

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary Rifle doesn't mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup.

#6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A Rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Rifles function normally every day of the month.

#3. A Rifle doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A Rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a Rifle is favored over a woman:

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR IT.

[Pal334]

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=078_1281746816


The latest CIA intel from the border region of Pakistan has been released by the Whitehouse today. The video is of good quality and shows a new training method for front line Taliban forces. The main cause of death for the Taliban is currently the AH-64 Apache used by the USA and UK forces in Afghanistan. This cutting edge warplane can see in pitch darkness and from many miles away. Most of the engagments take the Taliban by complete suprise and due to this they have developed the 'Alach al hamimm' or 'run like ****' evasion method.
As can clearly be seen in this video the procedure is to at first move off slowly and build up speed whilst constantly looking over your shoulder and screaming like a girl. This advanced manuver can be performed by all members of a Taliban patrol, or at least all those left after the initial strike.
US Army General Max ****enburger stated that the running machine 'was in no way a substitute for one of my Apaches chasing you at 20 feet whilst trying to push 20mm shells up your ***'.
The CIA have commented on the release saying 'Pakistan only has 3 running machines, 2 of which are having servicability issues after being fitted with Iranian made parts.'
The Pakistan government say they know nothing.

[Rick]

And in other news.....

The Taliban has been successful in training monkeys to fight Americans. Said Taliban commander Achbin Mohammed, "They are easy to train. Much smarter than most Taliban fighters and they have that da@#$ prehensile tail to throw grenades with."

http://news.discovery.com/animals/taliban-training-monkey-terrorists.html

[crashdive123]

So that's what screaming like a little school girl sounds like.

[BENESSE]

AARP eye chart:

[crashdive123]

I need to update my prescription.

[Pal334]

B,,, you are a mean woman :)

[Rick]

I bought a new Ford truck yesterday and after playing with all the gizmos, knobs and switches I had to take it back to the dealership because I couldn't figure out how to work the radio.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few hours, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Last night, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him.

I yelled, 'Azz Hole!'

Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, The President of The United States.

I'm gonna love this truck!

[Sarge47]

A farmer carrying a sheep walks into his kitchen where his wife is preparing supper. He says: "This pig is who I have sex with when you're not around."
His wife responded: "That's not a pig, that's a sheep."
The farmer looked at her & said: "I wasn't talking to you!"

How do you get an Irishman out of a bar?
Could happen.

[Justin Case]

LOL,, Thats baaaaaad .

[Rick]

New dog breeds:

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up easy for transporting.
Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.
Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
Pekingnese + Lhaso Apso = Peekassso, an abstract dog.
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean.

[Rick]

"Nice dog. What's its name?" I asked my friend's 10 year old son.

"Bob," he said.

"And what's your cat's name?"

"Bob."

"Well, how do you keep them straight?" I asked.

"Well, one is Bob Cat and the other is Bob Barker," the boy answered.

"Go ahead and tell him your rabbit's name," his father suggested.

The kid miles and said..."Dennis Hopper."

[Ken]

New dog breeds

Even more new breeds: :innocent:

Puli + Pug = Pulipug, a dog that always gives up.

Scottish Terrier + Scottish Deerhound = Double Scotch, a preferred beverage of many Forum members

Sealyham Terrier + Wheaten Terrier = Ham'nWheat. Simply add mustard.

Polish Lowland Sheepdog + Sealyham Terrier = Polish Ham. 'Nuff said.

Plott + Russian Toy = Russian Plot, a dog known for it's espionage skills.

Boston Terrier + Kai Ken = Boston Ken. That would be me. :)

Bolognese + Italian Greyhound = Italian Bolognese. A perfect meal.

Bulldog + Shih Tzu = Bullshiht, a dog named in honor of wareagles posts :smash:

[Justin Case]

Bulldog + Shih Tzu = Bullshiht, a dog named in honor of wareagles posts :smash:

http://thewareaglereader.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/toarms1.jpg

:burst:

[rudyumans]

An Indian Chief was sitting with his son under a palmtree enjoying the afternoon. Out of the blue, his son asked, dad, why is my sister’s name “Falling Branch”? Well son, the Chief said. When your mother and I were having fun a branch fell on the tipi and when your sister was born, we called her “Falling Branch”. Why is my brother called “Running Deer”? The Chief said, same thing, when your mother and I were having fun, a deer ran by the tipi. But why do ask these questions Tearing Rubber?

[rudyumans]

The other day I had two black eyes and this person asked me how I got those, I said, well, on the hot day we had recently, I was standing in line in the grocery store and this rather big lady was in front of me. I noticed that her dress got stuck between her bottom. I thought that must be unconfortable, so I pulled it out.
And the other black eye?
Well, after that I figured she must not like that, so I pushed it back in.

[Justin Case]

LOL,,,, good one !

[Rick]

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?! Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!" "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

[crashdive123]

Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:



'Good trade.....'

[2dumb2kwit]

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.

It's wine that does all that....... Never mind.

[oly]

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the world I've sent it to. And keep in mind that I was doing something else before I sent this and can't remember what it was!


Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

[Rick]

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

[Sarge47]

Butts arrested in Boob murder case...check it out!

http://wearecentralpa.com/wtaj-news-fulltext/?nxd_id=203465&shr=addthis

:innocent:

[Pal334]

Children Are Quick
___________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.



(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher


LAUGHTER IS THE SOUL'S MEDICINE

[mountain mama]

That reminds me of my friend's daughter who informed the school nurse that she has "80HD"

[NCO]

Finnish drinking game

There are two versions of this game for Finns; regular and advanced.

Regular: Three Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with half a litre of Kossu (Finland's famous Koskenkorva vodka). They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other two have to guess who went outside....

Advanced: TWO Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with a litre of Kossu. They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other guy has to guess who went outside....

Finnish weather explained

+15°C / 59°F
This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here.
People in Spain wears winter-coats and gloves.
The Finns are out in the sun, getting a tan.

+10°C / 50°F
The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.
The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.

+5°C / 41°F
Italian cars won't start.
The Finns are cruising in cabriolets.

0°C / 32°F
Distilled water freezes.
The water in the Vanda river (in Finland) gets a little thicker.

-5°C / 23°F
People in California almost freeze to death.
The Finns have their final barbecue before winter.

-10°C / 14°F
The Brits start the heat in their houses.
The Finns start using long sleeves.

-20°C / -4°F
The Aussies flee from Mallorca.
The Finns end their Midsummer celebrations. Autumn is here.

-30°C / -22°F
People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth.
The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.

-40°C / -40°F
Paris start cracking in the cold.
The Finns stand in line at the "grilli-kioski".

-50°C / -58°F
Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole.
The Finnish army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.

-60°C / -76°F
Korvatunturi (the home for Santa Claus) freezes.
The Finns rent a movie and stay indoors.

-70°C / -94°F
The false Santa moves south.
The Finns get frustrated since they can't store their Kossu (Koskenkorva vodka) outdoors.
The Finnish army goes out on winter survival training.

-183°C / -297.4°F
Microbes in food don't survive.
The Finnish cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.

-273°C / -459.4°F
All atom-based movent halts.
The Finns start saying "Perkele, it's cold outside today."

-300°C / -508°F
Hell freezes over.
Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest.

At the airport...

A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself, "Wow, she's gorgeous! And I think she's a flight attendant...but which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Hmm, no, she doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again; "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried the United slogan, "I would really love to fly your friendly skies!"

This time the woman looked at him, irritated, and screamed "What the $%#! do you want?!"

The man slumped back in his chair, and said: "Ahh, Finnair..."

[sthrnstrong]

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake..
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand
how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big Gator, "what have you been eating?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replied the small Gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Courthouse."

"Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the crap out
of them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the crap
out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but an a$$hole and a briefcase.

[Sarge47]

Two drunks are sitting on a dock in the Florida Bayou region, drunk as a couple of skunks. All of a sudden they here a crunching sound & one of them starts & says: "Hey man, an alligator just bit off my leg!"

The 2nd one asks: "Which one?"

The 1st one responds: "I don't know man, all alligators look alike to me!"

__________________________________________________ _______

Two drunks are sitting on a park bench in front of the Lion's cage when a big male lion let's out a roar. One says to the other: "I hope I haven't seen this movie before."

__________________________________________________ _______

A drunk walks out of a liquor store carrying a pint bottle of Mad Dog 20-20. He slips the bottle into his back pants pocket & begins to cross the street, only to be knocked down by a car. Getting up he feels a warm liquid running down his leg. "Dang!" He cries, "I sure hope that's blood!"

__________________________________________________ _______

Former Illinois Governor Ron Blayogivich get's convicted in his 2nd trial & goes to prison. He's sitting in the prison yard, feeling pretty depressed, when another con joins him.

"Hey Ron," the 2nd con says, "cheer up, it's not that bad in here. On Monday nights we have "book" night. All the cons read the same book, then discuss the plot line, characters, dialouge, the sub-text, that sort of thing; do you like to read, Ron?"

Ron says: "NO!"

"Oh." The 2nd con says, "Well on Tuesday night we have "Arts & Crafts night." All the cons show off all of the stuff they've been working on; do you like arts & crafts Ron?"

The former Governor says: "NO!"

"Oh." The 2nd con says. He's quiet for a moment, then asks: "Ron, are you gay?"

Ron blows up at this question. "NO I"M NOT GAY!" he yells.

"Oh, the 2nd fellow says, "Then you're really gonna hate Wednesdays!" :innocent: :sneaky2:

[tsitenha]

Ok NCO, I can't wait anymore,

who did go outside?

[crashdive123]

Ok NCO, I can't wait anymore,

who did go outside?

The Swedish - with their Mora Knives. With one of those awesome tools they can survive anything.:dodge::dodge::dodge:

[Pal334]

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel ,
"Pick up your shovels, mount your a***s and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said,
"Lay down your shovels, sit on your a***s, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, ***** has stolen your shovel, taxed your a***s, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.
I was then connected to a call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck....

[tsitenha]

I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck....


Now thats funny:FRlol::FRlol::FRlol:

[Pal334]

A really bad day



There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when

a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me,

grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.



"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly,
as I burst into tears.



"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd
CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."



"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a
complete failure.

I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car

had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home.

I found my wife in bed with the gardener,

and then my dog bit me."



"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an
end to it all,

I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here
watching the poison dissolve.



Then you, show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[Pal334]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana
and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style

house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young..
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in

rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I
got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh**.

[Pal334]

Those of you who have not retired yet can see why we love it!!
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount..

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who continues to work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer : If you cut classes, no one can call your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Question: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday to Friday; Nothing, Saturday & Sunday I rest.

Happiness is a voyage, not a destination,
There is no better time to be happy than... NOW
Summary of Life
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

[Old GI]

"2) Wrinkles don't hurt.", but a whole lot of what caused them did. :chair:

[Rick]

I don't have wrinkles. I try to eat enough to keep them filled out.

[kyratshooter]

What's the difference between a terrorist and a red headed woman having a bad day?


You can negotiate with a terrorist.:m107:

[BLEUXDOG]

That's what they were trying to do. Negotiate.:blush:

[Rick]

F.a.r.t Iq Test

First Question:

You Are A Participant In A Race. You Overtake The Second Person. What Position Are You In?



Answer: If You Answered That You Are First,
Then You Are Absolutely Wrong! If You Overtake The Second Person And You Take His Place, You Are In Second Place!

Try To Do Better Next Time.
Now Answer The Second Question,
But Don’t Take As Much Time As
You Took For The First Question, Ok?
Second Question:
If You Overtake The Last Person, Then You Are....?



Answer: If You Answered That You Are Second To Last, Then You Are..... Wrong Again. Tell Me Sunshine, How Can You Overtake The Last Person??
You’re Not Very Good At This, Are You?
Third Question:
Very Tricky Arithmetic! Note:
This Must Be Done In Your Head Only.
Do Not Use Paper And Pencil Or A Calculator.
Try It.



Take 1000 And Add 40 To It. Now Add Another 1000 Now Add 30.
Add Another 1000. Now Add 20 ... Now Add Another 1000.
Now Add 10. What Is The Total?


Scroll Down For The Correct Answer....



Did You Get 5000?

The Correct Answer Is Actually 4100...if You Don't Believe It, Check It With A Calculator!
Today Is Definitely Not Your Day, Is It?maybe You’ll Get The Last Question Right.... Maybe...fourth Question:
Mary 's Father Has Five Daughters:




nana,2. Nene,3. Nini,4. Nono, And???
what Is The Name Of The Fifth Daughter?



Did You Answer Nunu? No! Of Course It Isn't.
Her Name Ismary! Read The Question Again!
Okay, Now The Bonus Round,
I.e., A Final Chance To
Redeem Yourself:
A Mute Person Goes Into A Shop And Wants To Buy A Toothbrush.
By Imitating The Action Of Brushing His Teeth He
Successfully Expresses Himself To The Shopkeeper And The Purchase Is Done.
Next, A Blind Man Comes Into The Shop Who Wants To Buy A
Pair Of Sunglasses; How Does He Indicate What He Wants?



It's Really Very Simple…
He Opens His Mouth And Asks For It…
Does Your Employer Actually Pay You To Think??
If So Do Not Let Them See Your Answers For This Test!

[Pal334]

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to any of you who fly routinely.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

[2dumb2kwit]

Three golfers,Jesus,Moses and an old man,get to the 18th tee.It's all tied.All three have the same score.Jesus' second shot goes into the water and lands on a rock.He walks on the water out to the ball and hits it within a foot of the hole.Moses' second shot also goes into the water and sinks.He parts the water and then hits his ball within a foot of the hole.The old man also hits his second shot into the water,but it lands on a water lily.A frog comes out of the water and takes the ball.Just then a bird swoops down and grabs the frog and carries him,with the ball,right over the 18th hole where the frog drops the ball right into the cup.Moses turns to Jesus and says,''You know,I really hate playing with your Dad.''

[Justin Case]

Hillbilly Spelling test



M R ducks
M R not
O S A R
C M wangs?
L I B! M R ducks

M R snakes
M R not
O S A R
C M B D eyes?
L I B! M R snakes

M R mice
M R not
O S A R
C M E D B D feet?
L I B! M R mice

M R farmers
M R not
O S A R
C M M T pockets
L I B! M R farmers

M R puppies
M R not
O S A R
C M P N
L I B! M R puppies


Translation of the Hillbilly Spelling Test

Them are ducks
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them wings?
Well I'll be! Them are ducks

Them are snakes
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them beady eyes?
Well I'll be! Them are snakes

Them are mice
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them itty bitty feet?
Well I'll be! Them are mice

Them are farmers
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them empty pockets?
Well I'll be! Them are farmers

Them are puppies
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them peeing?
Well I'll be! Them are puppies

[kyratshooter]

Bad joke JC. Not translatable to real life.

Take it from one that lives in the heart of Redneckia and grew up speaking Southern, I had to think about the translation before I could understand that dialect.

That is what people from Kalifornia "think" Rednecks talk like. the actual usage is more like this;

"U kaint unerstan hlf wht ary one of em damyankees outwes sez."

It sounds even better if you say it with a mouth full of marshmellows! That give you the Broomhower effect.

Yes, I have a Phd and have to fight daily not to talk like that. I have lost jobs due to the accent.

You need to get on Amazon and find a copy of How To Speak Southern.

http://www.amazon.com/How-Speak-Southern-Steve-Mitchell/dp/0553275194

Now keep in mind that this is actually the English dialect that was spoken my the early settlers. The real historic english. What passes for American English is a warped form of the language modified to fit the Irish, Italian, German and Polish speaker capabilities as they immigrated, mostly to the northern states. They could not say part of the true English words and warped the language to fit what their limited vocal capabilities allowed them to say. Then the midwest got a shot of the Scandinavian limitations and someone decided, about when national radio networks developed, that the midwestern accent should be the standard.

Now everyone thinks the talking heads are speaking properly and accept it as fact.

You should come to one of our family reunions, we'll show you haow to talk southern. Everyone needs to know how. There are aspects and advantages of the southern dialect that only them chosen and blessed to be southern know about.

:knight:

[Rick]

The real historic english.

Maybe we should not let the British know about this. You know how persnickety they can get.

[kyratshooter]

Saw this and immidiately thought about AKS and SD on their outhouse runs this winter.

http://i192.photobucket.com/albums/z316/bettyboop6896/Comics/LOL%20Cats/funny-pictures-snow-cat-frozen-pee.jpg

[Pal334]

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They are SO on my sh__ list ...

[Winnie]

Bad joke JC. Not translatable to real life.

Take it from one that lives in the heart of Redneckia and grew up speaking Southern, I had to think about the translation before I could understand that dialect.

That is what people from Kalifornia "think" Rednecks talk like. the actual usage is more like this;

"U kaint unerstan hlf wht ary one of em damyankees outwes sez."

It sounds even better if you say it with a mouth full of marshmellows! That give you the Broomhower effect.

Yes, I have a Phd and have to fight daily not to talk like that. I have lost jobs due to the accent.

You need to get on Amazon and find a copy of How To Speak Southern.

http://www.amazon.com/How-Speak-Southern-Steve-Mitchell/dp/0553275194

Now keep in mind that this is actually the English dialect that was spoken my the early settlers. The real historic english. What passes for American English is a warped form of the language modified to fit the Irish, Italian, German and Polish speaker capabilities as they immigrated, mostly to the northern states. They could not say part of the true English words and warped the language to fit what their limited vocal capabilities allowed them to say. Then the midwest got a shot of the Scandinavian limitations and someone decided, about when national radio networks developed, that the midwestern accent should be the standard.

Now everyone thinks the talking heads are speaking properly and accept it as fact.

You should come to one of our family reunions, we'll show you haow to talk southern. Everyone needs to know how. There are aspects and advantages of the southern dialect that only them chosen and blessed to be southern know about.

:knight:

That could explain why I understand a Southern accent then!:blush:

[Rick]

Two of life's greatest virtues are patience and wisdom.

[Justin Case]

Two of life's greatest virtues are patience and wisdom.

Good one ! :)

[Pal334]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man relies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.

The officer then asks,“Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, "My wife.”

[Pal334]

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men,could understand women;
I want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries,
what she means when she says nothing's wrong,
why she snaps and complains when I try to help,
and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[Winnie]

Someone must really like Hospital food:nod:

[Pal334]

Someone must really like Hospital food:nod:

No, I learned to duck and cover very early in life :)

[Pal334]

Grandma Still Drives -- PRICELESS


Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed..
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! ;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma

[Justin Case]

Lol,, Good One ! :)

[Rick]

My wife's aunt was around 85 and still driving. She had just gone to the grocery store and was on her way home when she somehow, Lord only knows how, turned the car upside down. Rolled it on a residential street. The cops arrived on scene pronto and helped the paramedics drag her out of the car. She's laying on a back board and the medics are doing triage.

"Are you okay?" one of them asked her.
She motioned him closer as she tried to catch her breath.
"Don't let my meat spoil."

My brother in law had to go down and gather up all her groceries and put them away. She would have been one P.O.'d old lady if the meat would have spoiled.

Bless her heart. It's a true story, I swear.

[Justin Case]

Two peanuts were walking down the road and one was assaulted !