Joke of the day.

[Rick]

About 1962 or so dad bought a remote control for our TV. It was a box that mounted over the channel selector. It had about an 8 foot cord that ran from the channel selector box to a hand held box. When you pushed the button a small motor turned the shaft on the channel selector. All 3 black and white channels. At least that's how I remember it. The worst part was the cord wasn't quite long enough to reach the couch. Be that as it may, we were pretty creme dela creme back in the day. I can remember marching all the neighborhood cronies into the living room to demonstrate this amazing new device. Yes, I was a pretty envied kid. I think it was my Bat Masterson outfit that impressed them the most however.

[crashdive123]

I saw this posted today.

I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang.

ME: Hello.
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T.
ME: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T.
ME: This is AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T.
ME: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron, please?
ME: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
ME: OK, hold on. At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
ME: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
ME: May I ask who is calling, please?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T.
ME: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T.
ME: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
ME: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.
ME: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
ME: Now, that's 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!
ME: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
ME: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
ME: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
ME: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
ME: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute, that I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.
AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute.
ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?
AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold. At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.
SUPERVISOR: Mr. Byron?
ME: Yeah.
SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
ME: Is This A T &T?
SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.
ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be Careful not to produce a snort.) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
ME: Thank you. I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan.?
ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that "Friends and Family" thing because I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother?
AT&T: click??..

[nell67]

https://scontent-b-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1470317_10152116378140337_1608883890_n.jpg

[Rick]

Three young boys were fighting over whose dad was the best:

"My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."

"My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."

"I've got you both beat. My dad's so good because he works for the city. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."

[BENESSE]

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on -- and it was a perfect fit!
He asked how much he owed.
Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God there's no charge!
However, may I ask for a small favor. Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"
Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses.
A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.
He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business!
Would you consider a partnership?"
"Certainly," replied Jesus
"Jesus & Finkelstein it is."
"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein.
"Finkelstein & Jesus.
After all, I am the craftsman."
The two of them debated this for some time.

Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful -- and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.
A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop:

[Rick]

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her class pupils put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said,

'Teacher,they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on,this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

[AussieLuke]

That Chief had the right of it. LOL

Yeah, sorry that it was a really early post but it sure tickled my fancy.


my turn:D



Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government
official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute
and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians
running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver,
Clean Water; women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend
all day hunting and fishing; all night dancing."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled.
"Only white man dumb enough
think he improve system like that."



hee hee no offense meant to anyone but i thought i thought it was funny

[Rick]

A millionaire, a redneck and a cheapskate walk into a bar. All three order a beer and when the beer is delivered there is a fly in each of the mugs.

The millionaire quietly summoned the bar keep, pointed out the fly and asked for another drink.
The redneck tilted his mug just enough for a bit of the beer and the fly to pour out of the mug then kept drinking.
The cheapskate reached into his mug, grabbed the fly by the wings and yelled, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

[Ken]

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a twelve-year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other, and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm. Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?" Little boy: "What the hell do you think?"

[BENESSE]

Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2014!"

"Great Nancy, but how?" asked Harry.

"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.

The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?"

"Yes we are!" said Nancy, "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color."

They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.

For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.

Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"

"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two @ssholes!"

[Ken]

Dear Diary:

Aug. 1 - Moved to our new house in Maine. It is so beautiful here. The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered with snow. I LOVE IT HERE.

Oct. 14 - New England is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning all different colors. I love the shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the hills and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I LOVE IT HERE.

Nov. 11 - Deer season will open soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquility. Hope it will snow soon. I LOVE IT HERE.

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looked like a postcard. Went outside and cleaned snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight today (I won). When the snowplow came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother Nature in perfect harmony. I LOVE IT HERE.

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow guy did his trick again (that rascal). A winter wonderland. I LOVE IT HERE.

Dec. 19 - Snowed again last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work on time. I'm exhausted from shoveling. DAMN SNOWPLOW!

Dec. 22 - More of that white sh!t fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm done shoveling. THAT A$$HOLE!!!

Dec. 25 - "White Christmas" my busted a$$. More friggin' snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-***** who drives that snowplow, I swear I will castrate the dumb bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on this sh!tty ice. DAMN ICE!

Dec. 28 - More of the same crap last night. Been inside since Christmas Day except for when "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere. The car is buried in a mountain of white sh!t. The weatherman says expect another 10 inches of this sh!t tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is? ONE HELL OF ALOT!

Jan. 1 - Happy Friggin' New Year. The weatherman was wrong (AGAIN). We got 24 miserable inches of snow this time. At this rate it won't melt until the 4th of July. The snowplow got stuck down the road and that sh!t-for-brains had the balls to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. I told him I broke 6 shovels already, shoveling out the sh!t he plowed into my driveway. I broke the 7th shovel over the asshole's head. DAMN, ANOTHER SHOVEL WASTED! Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a deer ran out in front of the car and I hit the filthy creature. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Wish those hunters would have killed them all last November. DAMN HUNTERS!

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town today. Would you believe the body is rotting away from all the friggin' salt they keep dumping all over the roads? It really looks like a piece of rusting sh!t. DAMN SALT!

May 10 - Moved to Florida today. I can't imagine why anyone in their right friggin' mind would want to live in the God forsaken State of Maine. I LOVE IT HERE. Damn! Something just bit me....

[2dumb2kwit]

And that, boys and girls, is why Florida is full of yankees.

[crashdive123]

And that, boys and girls, is why Florida is full of yankees.

Which wouldn't be so bad if they'd stop trying to make things the way they were "back home".

[Lamewolf]

A hunter claims he has the best duck dog in the country and his buddy doesn't believe him so they go on a hunting trip to prove it. While out, the dogs runs ahead and then comes back and looks at his master and barks twice. The master looks at his buddy and says theres 2 ducks ahead in a pond and they go up and each hunter kills a duck. Then the dog runs ahead again and comes back and barks 4 times, and they go to the next pond and each kills 2 ducks a piece. Then the dog runs ahead again, comes back barking uncontrollably picks up a stick and starts beating the hunters with the stick and the buddy shoots and kills the dog. The owner of the dogs exclaims "what are you doing, you've killed my best dog" ? The buddy says that dog went crazy and had to be put down, to which the master replied "he didn't go crazy, he was just trying to tell us that there were more ducks in the next pond than you could shake a stick at" !!!!

[Rick]

Buhahahaha! I don't care who you are this right here is funny. Guys, we can relate.....

http://www.whaleoil.co.nz/2014/01/long-ride-home-south-africa/

And once they got home.....

http://softkenya.com/pictures/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Obama.jpg

Just cracks me up. Too funny.

[Ken]

Wife in Atlanta texts husband this morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now."

[BENESSE]

Wife in Atlanta texts husband this morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now."

. . . . . 9816

[sjj]

removed.....

[Rick]

Guilty as charged. :blush:

[1stimestar]

This one cracks me up every time I read it. Sorry I can't copy and paste it.

http://www.quickmeme.com/p/3vrw3r

[Rick]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. The bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg high enough. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan standing behind her calmly picked her up by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[Rick]

I just received an audit on my tax return for 2013 from the IRS. I have to admit I'm still puzzled. They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"

I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons, half of Mexico, 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate and one useless President.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE SAM HILL DID I MISS?

[deafdave3]

I've been having a lot of trouble communicating with my wife. I've accused her of being hard of hearing and she is in denial. To prove my point I recently gave her a little hearing test.

I stood about 20 feet behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"

Got no answer so walked to within about 15 feet behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me now?"

Got no answer so walked to within about 10 feet behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me now?"

Still, got no answer so walked to within about 5 feet behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me now?"

Again, no answer so I walked right up behind her and yelled, "Honey, can you hear me now?".

Finally, she turned around and looked at me - and the only thing she had to say was, "Yes - for the fifth time - I can hear you."

Hey, this really happened to me!

[Sarge47]

I just received an audit on my tax return for 2013 from the IRS. I have to admit I'm still puzzled. They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"

I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons, half of Mexico, 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate and one useless President.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE SAM HILL DID I MISS?
It's obvious...the 1st Lady!...:whistling:

[Sarge47]

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September

10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was. And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the Staff passed out.

[Sarge47]

Six Irish men were playing poker when one of them played a bad hand and died.
The rest drew straws to see who would tell his wife.
One man draws the shortest straw and goes to his friend's house to tell the wife. The man says to her " Your husband lost some money in the poker game and is afraid to come home.
The wife says. "Tell him to drop dead!!!!"

The Irish man responds, "I'll go tell him!".

:sneaky2:

[Sarge47]

An Irishman stumbles over to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65."
"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65, too!"

About that time in walks one of the "regulars" and sits down at the bar.
He asks the bartender, "Hey, Pat! What's been going on?"

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

:innocent:

[Sarge47]

Mary Finney goes up to Father Green after
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "What's troubling you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
Me husband passed away last night."

Father Green says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father. He said, please Mary, put down that frying pan!”

:drool:

[Sarge47]

A man goes to see the Rabbi. He tells the Rabbi,"Something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

"What's wrong?", asked the Rabbi

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "I'm sure you're wrong."
Pleadingly, the man says, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

"Tell you what, let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.", the Rabbi calmly suggests.

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes, please."

"Take the poison!"

:sailor:

[natertot]

Hey Sarge, I like the Mrs. Woolf bit. Kinda reminds me of my college days!

True story. In college, a bunch of my friends and I had aftermarket radios in our cars that also came with remotes. We would gather all the remotes and head to places such as Wal-Mart, Best Buy, Circuit City, etc. We would head to the area of the store that had the car audio and find a spot an aisle or two over where we'd be somewhat hidden and blend in. After a while, some poor soul would come along to check out car radios. We would randomly turn them on and off, change the station, and prevent controls from being usable. Just when the person was about to walk away, we would crank the sound way up high. Can't tell you how many people we got yelled at. One was even a store employee who his manager thought he was playing around instead of working!

[Rick]

Who was fired from his job became an alcoholic and, ultimately, homeless. He's had that one song playing in his head now for 18 years. Nice. Real nice.

[natertot]

Wait, you're that Rick? I thought you looked familiar. I'm in for it now!

[Winnie]

It's probably been done to death over yonder, but It's new to me.

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”
“Terrorists have kidnapped Congress. They’re asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they’re going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car collecting donations....”
“How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks.
The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”

[Rick]

Buhahahahaha! Now that right there is funny I don't care who you are.

[hunter63]

Do they take mail in's?

[Canoetripper]

Give till it hurts

[finallyME]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.

[finallyME]

The Marine Gunnery Sgt noticed a new Marine Pvt. and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name Marine?" "John," the new Marine Pvt. replied.

"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching Marines in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the Gunny scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my Marines by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Gunny". Do I make myself clear?" "Aye, Aye Gunny!"

"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?" The Marine Pvt. sighed. "Darling, My name is John Darling, Gunny."

"Okay, John, here's what I want you to do ..."

[1stimestar]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"Goodness gracious!" said my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that's when the fight started...

[crashdive123]

Dear Abby,

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge
credit card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them
off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay
the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can
hardly keep up with the interest.

Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that
most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch
to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our
bills even more.

Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs
out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the
Anti-Christ, and the next he's on his knees 5 times a day with
Muslims.

Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in
the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so
horribly creepy!

Can you help?
Signed,
Lost

Dear Lost,

Suck it up and stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the
White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for
everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want.
The rest of us are stuck with the idiot for 3 more years.

Signed,
Abby

[Rick]

Man....that ain't even funny. Three long....hard....privacy and freedom stealing years.

[hunter63]

Amen to that....can I say "Amen"?

[Canoetripper]

He is also trading five bags of $hit for one coward!!!

[Sarge47]

The teacher of a 3rd grade class asked how many of the students supported the current president? All but one raised their hands. Little Tommy was the only one who didn't and this seem to anger the teacher!

"Why Tommy," she said, "Why don't you support our president?"

"Because," replied the little boy, "I'm a Republican!"

Now Tommy, why are you a Republican?" Asked the teacher.

"Cuz both Mom & Dad are Republicans!" Tommy answered. This seem to anger the teacher.

"Tommy! If you Mom was an idiot and your Dad was a moron, what would that make you?" She demanded.

"A Democrat!" Responded Tommy.....:whistling:

[Rick]

Buhahahaha. Maybe we should open an "Anything Political Joke" thread........I always did like Little Tommy.

Little Tommy was sitting on a park bench eating a big bag of sweets. A woman walked up and said, "That's a very big bag of sweets for a little boy to eat. It could make you very ill".

Tommy replied, "Well, my Grandad lived till he was 92".

The woman asked, "Really and did he eat a lot of sweets?"

To which Little Tommy replied, "No, he just knew how to mind his own fricking business".

[Rick]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off. Barump Bump!

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shidzu. Barump Bump! (you can't even spell ****zu correctly. See?)

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again. Barump Bump!

[Rick]

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.



The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"



The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"






















Why are you looking down here? It's your turn to say something.

[Sarge47]

A Captain and his troops were surrounded by Indians. He asked his Sergeant looking through binoculars how many Indians he saw. The Sgt replied, "About 500 and they're getting ready to attack." The Capt asked how many men they had and his Sgt said, "About 60, sir." The Capt replied, "That's not good but we'll give them a good fight." Then he said,"Go to my tent and get my Red Shirt." When the Sgt asked why, the Capt said, "Because red is the color of blood and if I get hit, I don't want my men to see me bleeding. As the Sgt prepared to leave he looked in his binoculars again then said, "Sir, I made a mistake. There's more than 500 Indians about to attack. It looks more like 5,000." "5,000" repeated the Capt. "Alright Sgt...Cancel the Red Shirt... and bring me my Brown Pants"...:cowboy:

[1stimestar]

When a kid is being a brat in a noisy and public area, I casually get close to them and fart on their head/face. I'm really tall so it's usually a direct hit.

It's funniest when the kid notices and doesn't know what to do because I'm a giant.

One time I was pretty drunk with a friend at a Target buying Risk. This little mexican 5-7 year old with a mohawk, was being an insufferable little **** in the action figure section. I heard him from like 5 aisles over and it was like nails on a chalkboard. I tell my friend, "I'm gonna fart on this kids head. Watch and learn."

I saunter on over to the aisle in question and see the vile little cretin calling his mom an "idiot" for not buying him a huge G.I. JOE The Movie vehicle. "I already bought that one for you and you broke it by throwing it down the stairs" "SHUT UP. I NEED IT. IT'S THE ONLY ONE I DON'T HAVE NOW." The mother was younger than me (I'm mid twenties) and gave a defeated look, "I don't have enough money right now." "YOU ARE AN IDIOT," and continued to just berate and publicly shame this woman.

At the time, I was on a strict Chipotle carnitas burrito diet. And while I was watching all this, my stomach gave me an initial warning gurgle (very courteous stomach) telling me I was about an hour away from punishing the toilet. Serendipity! Destiny!

The kid shouts "F**K YOU, I HATE YOU!" The mom rolls her eyes and turns her back to the kid to ignore him. And could you believe it, the kid gets on his hands and knees and starts taking the toy out of the box. It's go time, mother**ker.

I position my back towards him and at this point am like 2 feet away from him. I bend down to reach for the one of the toys on the lower shelf. At this point, my *** is INCHES away from this kids head.

I'm so close that from a distance it looks like I'm about to sit on him,. My friend sees this happening and can no longer contain himself. He's covering his mouth, but his 'hee-haw' hyperventilating donkey chortle is fairly audible over the late 90's pop muzak playing on the loudspeakers.

The kid immediately looks up towards the laughter, but can't help but notice there is an *** now directly in his face. Now, I'm trying not to laugh but also panicking as I just made eye contact with him. He furls his brow and I look over in the mother's direction, still back towards us. I relish in the moment and the look on this child's confused and naive face.

The initial blast was mighty and boisterous. I swear I saw his hair blowing in the wind (so to speak). If I wasn't wearing jeans, I think it could have probably blown over an empty soda can. I would call it "a very fun fart" (A++ would buy again). However, what immediately followed that out the chamber was truly horrifying. The fart's implication changed without notice and swiftly. It went from a joyous, dry airhorn squeal to a nefarious, hissing mephitis. I think the little moppet noticed the hateful metamorphosis before even I did because he wretched his neck violently trying to get away from the personified evil being fumigated into his soul. Because of his positioning (hovering over the toy, hands and knee), it was all in vain as the only way out was forward...and forward would mean certain death.

In total, it lasted about 4 seconds but for that kid, it must have seemed like time was frozen. The long-term severe brain damage which he no doubt suffered, only added to that effect.

When I finished, there was a silent, pregnant pause. The kid was clearly shocked and stunned. No one had ever stood up to this dwarf sociopath in his whole life. I had taken the words out of his mouth and filled it with fart.

I make my move first, picking up the toy I was "reaching for" off the low shelf, take a few steps forward and stare at it for a few seconds. The only thing the kid could manage to do was burst into tears. My friend senses danger 'the jig is up' and his head darts for cover. The mom turns around to see her kid with an open toy, crying on the floor and me minding my own business.

She walks up to him and asks what's wrong but the kid can't speak. All he gets out is, "BAWAWAAAWAFARTBAWAWA." It took every fiber in my body not to laugh.

Sensing that his assailant was getting away scot-free, he somehow managed to compose himself for a moment. He shouts, "HE FARTED ON ME!" I was ALMOST around the corner when the mom goes:

"Excuse me....sir....SIR!"

I turn around nonplussed, "Uh...who? Me?" while pointing to myself.

"Yes. Did YOU just FART on my son?"

Weighing my options, I played dumb. "What? I mean, I did fart."

"On my son?"

"Well, I mean, technically speaking...I mean...what is 'on'?"

"Why did you fart on my son?"

At this point the little kid has the look of schadenfreude on his face, happy to see me in trouble. F**k you, I'M A MAN! I WILL FART ON YOU IF I PLEASE! I turn my attention to the little kid and stare at him, "Because the whole store could hear him being a little, rotten asshole to his mother so I thought I'd come over here and treat him like one."

The mom looks at me, her son and the scattered GI JOE/wrappers/box on the floor. The mom is puzzled as to what to do and says, "Just..just go." That's my cue! I turn around, walk away with little extra step. As soon as I turn the corner, I book it outside as fast as I can.

We laugh on the car ride back about the whole scene. With a slight hint of seriousness in his tone, my friend asks me:

"Do you do that a lot?"

"Ahhh, not that much. Like once every 6 months or so."

We both knew I was lying.

[Tokwan]

Stay away fro me..lol

[Sarge47]

When a kid is being a brat in a noisy and public area, I casually get close to them and fart on their head/face. I'm really tall so it's usually a direct hit.

It's funniest when the kid notices and doesn't know what to do because I'm a giant.

One time I was pretty drunk with a friend at a Target buying Risk. This little mexican 5-7 year old with a mohawk, was being an insufferable little **** in the action figure section. I heard him from like 5 aisles over and it was like nails on a chalkboard. I tell my friend, "I'm gonna fart on this kids head. Watch and learn."

I saunter on over to the aisle in question and see the vile little cretin calling his mom an "idiot" for not buying him a huge G.I. JOE The Movie vehicle. "I already bought that one for you and you broke it by throwing it down the stairs" "SHUT UP. I NEED IT. IT'S THE ONLY ONE I DON'T HAVE NOW." The mother was younger than me (I'm mid twenties) and gave a defeated look, "I don't have enough money right now." "YOU ARE AN IDIOT," and continued to just berate and publicly shame this woman.

At the time, I was on a strict Chipotle carnitas burrito diet. And while I was watching all this, my stomach gave me an initial warning gurgle (very courteous stomach) telling me I was about an hour away from punishing the toilet. Serendipity! Destiny!

The kid shouts "F**K YOU, I HATE YOU!" The mom rolls her eyes and turns her back to the kid to ignore him. And could you believe it, the kid gets on his hands and knees and starts taking the toy out of the box. It's go time, mother**ker.

I position my back towards him and at this point am like 2 feet away from him. I bend down to reach for the one of the toys on the lower shelf. At this point, my *** is INCHES away from this kids head.

I'm so close that from a distance it looks like I'm about to sit on him,. My friend sees this happening and can no longer contain himself. He's covering his mouth, but his 'hee-haw' hyperventilating donkey chortle is fairly audible over the late 90's pop muzak playing on the loudspeakers.

The kid immediately looks up towards the laughter, but can't help but notice there is an *** now directly in his face. Now, I'm trying not to laugh but also panicking as I just made eye contact with him. He furls his brow and I look over in the mother's direction, still back towards us. I relish in the moment and the look on this child's confused and naive face.

The initial blast was mighty and boisterous. I swear I saw his hair blowing in the wind (so to speak). If I wasn't wearing jeans, I think it could have probably blown over an empty soda can. I would call it "a very fun fart" (A++ would buy again). However, what immediately followed that out the chamber was truly horrifying. The fart's implication changed without notice and swiftly. It went from a joyous, dry airhorn squeal to a nefarious, hissing mephitis. I think the little moppet noticed the hateful metamorphosis before even I did because he wretched his neck violently trying to get away from the personified evil being fumigated into his soul. Because of his positioning (hovering over the toy, hands and knee), it was all in vain as the only way out was forward...and forward would mean certain death.

In total, it lasted about 4 seconds but for that kid, it must have seemed like time was frozen. The long-term severe brain damage which he no doubt suffered, only added to that effect.

When I finished, there was a silent, pregnant pause. The kid was clearly shocked and stunned. No one had ever stood up to this dwarf sociopath in his whole life. I had taken the words out of his mouth and filled it with fart.

I make my move first, picking up the toy I was "reaching for" off the low shelf, take a few steps forward and stare at it for a few seconds. The only thing the kid could manage to do was burst into tears. My friend senses danger 'the jig is up' and his head darts for cover. The mom turns around to see her kid with an open toy, crying on the floor and me minding my own business.

She walks up to him and asks what's wrong but the kid can't speak. All he gets out is, "BAWAWAAAWAFARTBAWAWA." It took every fiber in my body not to laugh.

Sensing that his assailant was getting away scot-free, he somehow managed to compose himself for a moment. He shouts, "HE FARTED ON ME!" I was ALMOST around the corner when the mom goes:

"Excuse me....sir....SIR!"

I turn around nonplussed, "Uh...who? Me?" while pointing to myself.

"Yes. Did YOU just FART on my son?"

Weighing my options, I played dumb. "What? I mean, I did fart."

"On my son?"

"Well, I mean, technically speaking...I mean...what is 'on'?"

"Why did you fart on my son?"

At this point the little kid has the look of schadenfreude on his face, happy to see me in trouble. F**k you, I'M A MAN! I WILL FART ON YOU IF I PLEASE! I turn my attention to the little kid and stare at him, "Because the whole store could hear him being a little, rotten asshole to his mother so I thought I'd come over here and treat him like one."

The mom looks at me, her son and the scattered GI JOE/wrappers/box on the floor. The mom is puzzled as to what to do and says, "Just..just go." That's my cue! I turn around, walk away with little extra step. As soon as I turn the corner, I book it outside as fast as I can.

We laugh on the car ride back about the whole scene. With a slight hint of seriousness in his tone, my friend asks me:

"Do you do that a lot?"

"Ahhh, not that much. Like once every 6 months or so."

We both knew I was lying.

We are honored to have you as a member of the F.A.R.T. team! You now have the honored Indian name of "Fartwalker!"...http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-taunt005.gif (http://www.freesmileys.org/)

[hunter63]

Guys name was Glenn....looked a lot like a fatter, older, Kenny Rodgers (before he had his make over)

When shopping for the camping group....we would send him to the 3 loves of bread for a buck sale crowd......and he would clear it ou for us.

OUTSTANDING.

[1stimestar]

We are honored to have you as a member of the F.A.R.T. team! You now have the honored Indian name of "Fartwalker!"...http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-taunt005.gif (http://www.freesmileys.org/)

Aw. While I would be honored to be a member of the F.A.R.T. I can not take glory where it is not due. I'm a girl and you know, girl's farts only ever smell like roses.

[Sarge47]

Aw. While I would be honored to be a member of the F.A.R.T. I can not take glory where it is not due. I'm a girl and you know, girl's farts only ever smell like roses.Not according to your story!.....:no:

[1stimestar]

Not according to your story!.....:no:


Lol if you notice in the story, it is told by an apparently very tall "Sir". I'm a pretty short "ma'am".

[Rick]

Yeah, but women wear panty hose. Farts get trapped in panty hose. After a whole day if you stick a thumb in the waist band you could go flyin around the room like a balloon. Sounds just like a V1 rocket too. And the smell.....

[Rick]

http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/horse_zps2b7b47ad.jpg (http://s348.photobucket.com/user/safe_zone/media/horse_zps2b7b47ad.jpg.html)

http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/horse2_zpsef7247e1.jpg (http://s348.photobucket.com/user/safe_zone/media/horse2_zpsef7247e1.jpg.html)

[hunter63]

Shamelessly stolt this......

Southern Engineer Exam

I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South... I challenge any so-called "smart " Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser’s will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

I betcha thought that this test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya? It's okay if y'all didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya there's a whole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life.

As an added bonus for taking the " RED NECK CHALLENGE", here's some southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece....

Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them

Bazinga!

[hunter63]

Hint on question 4....."All of them"

[Sarge47]

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were perspiring and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their “natural freedom.” As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest both asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in MY congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”....:detective:

[Sarge47]

NOTE: Read all the way through before judging.

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!" The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused,because he had a bad temper, and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!" The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk! Go home!”...:noway:

[Tokwan]

That was a good one.....looks like gramps still can do it..hehe

[Sarge47]

THE MAID
A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers. The woman says, " Who is this?" "This is the maid," answered the woman. "We don't have a maid", said the woman. The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house. The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?" The maid replied, "he is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife." The woman is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" The maid says, "What will I have to do?"The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with." The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?" The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here." A long pause... “Is this 832-4821?"...:scared:

[crashdive123]

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him. 'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator. What are you doing in there?' the husband asked. 'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'.

[natertot]

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'.

I have never heard of a man that would look down at himself and call them "little bastards"!!!!! Could that be a side effect of pesticides?! :innocent:

[ninjasurvivor]

Someone in my office asked me if I'd like to run in a marathon for charity. I told them I wasn't really interested. They said it was for crippled children. Then I thought, "Heck, I could win this!"

I wrote a book on penguins once. In retrospect, paper would've been better.

Why do ninja stars have holes in the center of them? So that you can still breath if you accidentally swallow one.

[hunter63]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:


-------------------------------------------------

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.


2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an azzwhole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n):The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.



The WashingtonPost has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n.An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

[crashdive123]

Those were pretty good.

[Sarge47]

Two guys meet up in a bar.
The first one asks, “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead??!!!”
“Woah, what the hell happened to him?”
“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”
“What a horrible way to die!”
“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”
“What a way to go, that’s terrible!”
“No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”
“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”
“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”
“Man, what a way to go!”
“No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”
“Now that is one awful way to go!”
“No no, he survived that…”
“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?”
“I shot him!”
“You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?”
“He was wrecking my house.”....:creepy:

[Winnie]

Little Johnny (strikes again), he’s some wee boy.

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
　
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
　
The teacher said, "That was good Molly, but I wanted you to use the word Fascinate... Not fascinating."
　
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see the Grand Canyon and I was fascinated."
　
The teacher said, "Well, that was also good Sally, but you didn't use the word fascinate either."
　
Then Little Johnny raised his hand.
　
The teacher cringed and hesitated because she had been embarrassed by little Johnny before.
　
She finally decided there was no way he could 'damage' the word fascinate so she called on him.
　
Little Johnny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight!"
　
The teacher sat down and cried.

[hunter63]

http://fr.gloria.tv/?media=590206

[Sarge47]

I was interviewing the head of a local mental institution the other day and he showed me his bathtub test. "This is how we determine if a person is normal or not. We fill the bathtub with water. and we give them a thimble, a teaspoon, and a bucket and ask them to empty the tub. Then we watch what they do."

"Oh," I said, "I see, a normal person would use the bucket to empty the tub, right?"

"No," he answered, a normal person would simply pull the plug; would you like a bed near the window?"...:scared:

[hunter63]

An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money.
He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."


At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."


"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."


The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."

[hunter63]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.

So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain pig, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink pig.
"I mean, what the heck is this?"


(are you ready?)














(are you sure?)








(here it comes!!!)





The bank manager looks back at her and says,
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[crashdive123]

http://robinbrown.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/double-facepalm1.jpg

[hunter63]

Bhohahahaha........Was at a couple of rummage sales today........lots of clothes and knick knacks....and that joke went off in my head....

So posting it was kinda of a exorcism of silliness........

[Sarge47]

Prof. Dr. Gerald Hüther
TWO COWS ~{Matthias Varga}
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organised a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...
:cowboy:

[hunter63]

The real funny part?......(in a weird way)
That's not really a joke.

[Rick]

In response to all the recent e-mails about our dog: Please be advised, we are sick and tired of answering questions about our dog !

Yes, he mauled six people wearing obama t-shirts, four people wearing pelosi t-shirts, nine teenagers with pants hanging past their crack, three flag burners, and a pakistani taxi driver. For the last time ...
The dog is not for sale !

No, i do not approve of his smoking, but he says it helps get the 'bad taste' out of his mouth!

[hunter63]

Now that is funny ...I don't care who you are.....

[Rick]

If water shrinks leather how come cows aren't the size of Shetland ponies?

[hunter63]

My young grandson called the other day to wish me
Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and ....I told him, 80.
My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at
1?"

[hunter63]

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a
grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy
blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.

As she heard the children getting more and more
rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

Finally,she threw a towel around her head and stormed
into their room, putting them back to bed with
stern warnings.
As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling
voice,

"Who wasTHAT?"

[Sarge47]

Duck Hunters
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."...:creepy:

[Sarge47]

Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will pass, and I’ll inherit his large fortune.”
Impressed, the woman took his business card and three months later, she became Joe’s stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men!!....:cowboy:

[crashdive123]

Senior trying to set a password

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourButtIfYouDon'tGi veMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourB uttIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

[2crows]

This one cracks me up every time I read it. Sorry I can't copy and paste it.

http://www.quickmeme.com/p/3vrw3r

My wife and I just read it. That's easily the hardest we've laughed in years.

Thanks!

[hunter63]

Senior trying to set a password

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourButtIfYouDon'tGi veMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourB uttIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

......Yeah, I know.....

[Sarge47]

"Woman comes home sees her husband just sittin there. She says "what ARE you doin?" He says "I'm killin flies, so far I've gotten 3 males and 2 females." She says "now how do you know that?" He says "3 were on the beer can and two were on the phone!"....:2:

[Lamewolf]

Did you hear about our government taking over control of our deserts ? Now they are predicting that we'll run out of sand in 3 weeks !:no:

[Gary O]

Might be a little too edgy for here.
strike it if you must
http://i.imgur.com/WVieQ3K.jpg

[Sarge47]

Dear Tide:
I am writing to say
what an excellent product
you have.
I've used it all of my married life,
as my Mom always told me
it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties
I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago,
I spilled some red wine
on my new white blouse.
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband
started to belittle me
about how clumsy I was,
and generally started becoming
a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow
I ended up with his blood
on my new white blouse!
I grabbed my bottle
of Tide with bleach alternative,
to my surprise and satisfaction,
all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well
the detectives who came by yesterday
told me that the DNA tests
on my blouse were negative.
Then my attorney called
and said that I was no longer considered
a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief !
Going through menopause
is bad enough without being
a murder suspect !
I thank you, once again,
for having a great product.
Well, gotta go.
I have to write to
the Hefty bag people.

[hunter63]

A man walked into a bar. He told the bartender that he didn't have any money, but he would show the bartender something amazing in exchange for a drink. It was a slow day, so the bartender agreed.
The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a frog, a hamster and a tiny saxophone. He gave the saxophone to the frog and the frog started playing a fantastic jazz solo. Then the hamster started singing along in an amazing duet. Impressed, the bartender gave the man a drink.
Just then another bar patron rushed up to the man and offered him $1,000 for the singing hamster. The man instantly agreed to the deal.
The patron paid the man and quickly left with the hamster. After the patron left, the bartender couldn't keep quiet anymore and exclaimed, "I can't believe you sold a singing hamster for only $1,000!"
The man shrugged and said, "The frog is a ventriloquist."

[hunter63]

An elderly couple, had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones.

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her:
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

[Batch]

A blonde called tech support.

The tech told her that in order to help he would need her password.

She told him, "mickeyminneydonalddaisyhueydewyluisygoofytallahass ee".

The tech guy asked her what was up with the long password. She replied that when she set up the account. She was told her password had to contain at least 8 characters with at least on capital.

[Tokwan]

The Chinese in Malaysia, have this practice of offering the deceased, or the spirits of their passed on ancestors or loved ones fake money, or items such as houses or cars or whatever they feel the deceased needed in the after life. These items are made of paper usually and the offerings would be burnt.
The following conversation was overheard at a shop that specializes in making these items.

Shopowner: Hey, why don't you buy an iphone for your late grandfather?

Grieving grandson: Oh ok..that is a good idea, how much one? But I doubt if my grandad would know how to use one!

Shopowner: RM5.00 only..but don't worry, Steve Jobs is also there, he can teach your grandad how to use one..but you should buy the iphone cover so your grandad can protect the phone..

Grieving grandson: Okay..how much?

Shopowner: RM2.00 only..how about charger? It would make it easier for your grandad to charge the phone and not only rely on the gracious powers of our deity.

Grieving grandson: Do I need to? Oh okay, guess I should get a complete kit. By the way..can I have your business name card too?

Shopowner: Huh, my business name card? What for?

Grieving grandson: I need it so that I can burn it and offer to my grandad..then for any warranty issues, my grandad can call you directly to claim, should he need to do so.

[Awanita]

As most of you know I turned the big FIVE TWO this year on my birthday and I have had a few months now to look back on it and you know, I like a lot of others over the years have many things to be thankful for in my life. This being Native American Heritage month along with the Thanksgiving holiday brings out a time to be thankful in one’s life and I am. I am thankful that my mother taught me her heritage for me to continue it, I am also thankful for my dad’s heritage and family name it is one that holds honor in the history and making of this country as well.

With this festive time of year I decided to go out and celebrate last weekend and we all have been lucky over the years or well some of us have, get out and had to much to drink and drove home and made it safely with out hurting ourselves, someone else or getting pulled over by the police, yes I have been guilty of that. As I grow older I think about those times and so this past weekend I decided if I got out and had to much to drink I would just take a taxi. Well the ole Scottish, Englishman Cherokee did get out and got to drinking a little to much so I locked my car up and took a taxi, boy I’m I glad I did about a mile from my home town they had a road block, they were stopping cars left and right but when they saw the taxi the just waved me through and I went to the house. You know that was the first time I ever drove a taxi it was fun but I can’t remember where I got it from.

[Awanita]

Have you ever heard the saying it 's better to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission. Well it may work on some women but not my woman. I learned very early in our relationship to always run thing by momma. Because if momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy.

Most of you know that I have a few friends that I hang out with down here from time to time. Well Richard called me and said "Knowlton let's get Keith, Joe and Glenn and take a trip to Blytheville(Arkansas) to the Drift Inn and have some drinks." Well I told him I would have to run it by the little lady and get back with him.

When I went home from work, I stopped off and got pizza and a bunch of flowers. I ain't no dummy, guys when your wanting to go out without the woman, you better butter both sides. Of course she asked what the occasion was and I told just because she was the sexiest woman I had ever known and she deserved flowers and not have to cook that night. Of course she didn't buy any of it and said "Knowlton don't screw with me, what's up?" She's pretty plan spoken. I told her that I would like to go out one Friday night just with the boys and go drink some beers. I told her that we would even get a D. D. (always be responsible when drinking) After much thought she said well alright but honey please don't stay out all night. I assured her that I would be home at 12 midnight.

I called Richard back and told him to go ahead and contact the other guys and to find a D.D. and that I promised the little woman I would be home at 12 midnight. He was kinda disappointed at my time limit but we hadn't been out for awhile so we grabbed what we could.lol That Friday night arrived and at around 7:30 The boys pulled up in the front yard....Heck it was like we were all back in high school. High 5's and "waz up man" I could see the look in my woman's eyes she didn't say but I could tell she was thinking " This going to be worse than being run over by a freaking truck. I can see it now, I'll get a call from dip sh!T to come bail the dumb butts out of jail." I looked at her and said "baby it's going to be alright we're going to be good. Just us good ole boys out having fun." Then I kissed her, told her I loved and then I said the famous last words "I will be home at midnight.

We got to the Drift Inn around 8:15 and Bobbie was our D.D. we bought him cokes all night long. Richard bought the first round, then I bought around of shots. Joe got the next round and Glenn bought the shots. At 9:00 low and behold the club broke out the Karaokee so hell we all signed up. Keith decide we should do one of the oak ridge boys songs......Elvira....shoot, I told him to buy another round first.....If I was singing with them, I didn't want to know about it....lol

Well the night went on and the beer and whiskey was flowing good that night until Bobbie said Knowlton you do know it is after 2AM....Oh heck!!!!! boys we got to go!!!!!! It looked like a keystone cops movie trying to get our drunken a$$es in the car but we did. I told Bobbie to floor it, I would pay the ticket, I had to get home. I was thinking this might be a dry month for ole Knowlton after this caper. I tell Bobbie to turn the lights off a block away from the house and throw in neutral just before the drive way....hmmmm no lights on, that was a good sign. I ask Bobbie the time and he told me 2:55 ShooT. I told the rest of the drunks in the car to keep quiet.

I get out and they leave. I fall in the front yard and bust my butt trying to get my cowboy boots off....There I got it, pick myself and grab my bearings and head for the door. I find my keys and slowly open the door. I get home at 3AM exactly, how do I know? The damn cuckoo clock on the wall started. I am thinking if she hears those 3 cuckoo's and I am not in bed my a$$ is grass. So even in my drunken stupor my thinking was keen, all I had to do was give 9 more cuckoo's and if she woke up she would think it is only twelve. I waited till the third cuckoo and then I imitated the heck of that dang bird. I gave off 9 of the best cuckoo calls, then crawled into bed. Damn I'm one smart son of a gun.

Get up that morning and the little woman is sitting at the breakfast table reading the newspaper. She said "Good Morning dear. Did you have a good time last night and how are you feeling?" I thought oh heck here it comes. I replied " oh baby we had a great time, the guys were a little bummed that I had to be home by 12 but they will get over it." (smart thinking on my part)

She said "Well that's good I am glad you had a good time, Oh by the way we need to go and by a new 800 dollar cuckoo clock today." I replied "What's wrong with ours."

She said it's broke, last night at twelve the damn thing cuckoo'd 3 times then said "OH SH!T, cuckoo'd 4 more times, belched cuckoo'd 2 more times farted, cuckoo'd 3 more times and knocked over the end table.

[crashdive123]

As most of you know I turned the big FIVE TWO this year on my birthday and I have had a few months now to look back on it and you know, I like a lot of others over the years have many things to be thankful for in my life. This being Native American Heritage month along with the Thanksgiving holiday brings out a time to be thankful in one’s life and I am. I am thankful that my mother taught me her heritage for me to continue it, I am also thankful for my dad’s heritage and family name it is one that holds honor in the history and making of this country as well.

With this festive time of year I decided to go out and celebrate last weekend and we all have been lucky over the years or well some of us have, get out and had to much to drink and drove home and made it safely with out hurting ourselves, someone else or getting pulled over by the police, yes I have been guilty of that. As I grow older I think about those times and so this past weekend I decided if I got out and had to much to drink I would just take a taxi. Well the ole Scottish, Englishman Cherokee did get out and got to drinking a little to much so I locked my car up and took a taxi, boy I’m I glad I did about a mile from my home town they had a road block, they were stopping cars left and right but when they saw the taxi the just waved me through and I went to the house. You know that was the first time I ever drove a taxi it was fun but I can’t remember where I got it from.

Just be glad this guy wasn't driving your taxi.

http://www.all-guitar-chords.com/board/img/1845_837723992_jim.jpg

[crashdive123]

Have you ever heard the saying it 's better to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission. Well it may work on some women but not my woman. I learned very early in our relationship to always run thing by momma. Because if momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy.

Most of you know that I have a few friends that I hang out with down here from time to time. Well Richard called me and said "Knowlton let's get Keith, Joe and Glenn and take a trip to Blytheville(Arkansas) to the Drift Inn and have some drinks." Well I told him I would have to run it by the little lady and get back with him.

When I went home from work, I stopped off and got pizza and a bunch of flowers. I ain't no dummy, guys when your wanting to go out without the woman, you better butter both sides. Of course she asked what the occasion was and I told just because she was the sexiest woman I had ever known and she deserved flowers and not have to cook that night. Of course she didn't buy any of it and said "Knowlton don't screw with me, what's up?" She's pretty plan spoken. I told her that I would like to go out one Friday night just with the boys and go drink some beers. I told her that we would even get a D. D. (always be responsible when drinking) After much thought she said well alright but honey please don't stay out all night. I assured her that I would be home at 12 midnight.

I called Richard back and told him to go ahead and contact the other guys and to find a D.D. and that I promised the little woman I would be home at 12 midnight. He was kinda disappointed at my time limit but we hadn't been out for awhile so we grabbed what we could.lol That Friday night arrived and at around 7:30 The boys pulled up in the front yard....Heck it was like we were all back in high school. High 5's and "waz up man" I could see the look in my woman's eyes she didn't say but I could tell she was thinking " This going to be worse than being run over by a freaking truck. I can see it now, I'll get a call from dip sh!T to come bail the dumb butts out of jail." I looked at her and said "baby it's going to be alright we're going to be good. Just us good ole boys out having fun." Then I kissed her, told her I loved and then I said the famous last words "I will be home at midnight.

We got to the Drift Inn around 8:15 and Bobbie was our D.D. we bought him cokes all night long. Richard bought the first round, then I bought around of shots. Joe got the next round and Glenn bought the shots. At 9:00 low and behold the club broke out the Karaokee so hell we all signed up. Keith decide we should do one of the oak ridge boys songs......Elvira....shoot, I told him to buy another round first.....If I was singing with them, I didn't want to know about it....lol

Well the night went on and the beer and whiskey was flowing good that night until Bobbie said Knowlton you do know it is after 2AM....Oh heck!!!!! boys we got to go!!!!!! It looked like a keystone cops movie trying to get our drunken a$$es in the car but we did. I told Bobbie to floor it, I would pay the ticket, I had to get home. I was thinking this might be a dry month for ole Knowlton after this caper. I tell Bobbie to turn the lights off a block away from the house and throw in neutral just before the drive way....hmmmm no lights on, that was a good sign. I ask Bobbie the time and he told me 2:55 ShooT. I told the rest of the drunks in the car to keep quiet.

I get out and they leave. I fall in the front yard and bust my butt trying to get my cowboy boots off....There I got it, pick myself and grab my bearings and head for the door. I find my keys and slowly open the door. I get home at 3AM exactly, how do I know? The damn cuckoo clock on the wall started. I am thinking if she hears those 3 cuckoo's and I am not in bed my a$$ is grass. So even in my drunken stupor my thinking was keen, all I had to do was give 9 more cuckoo's and if she woke up she would think it is only twelve. I waited till the third cuckoo and then I imitated the heck of that dang bird. I gave off 9 of the best cuckoo calls, then crawled into bed. Damn I'm one smart son of a gun.

Get up that morning and the little woman is sitting at the breakfast table reading the newspaper. She said "Good Morning dear. Did you have a good time last night and how are you feeling?" I thought oh heck here it comes. I replied " oh baby we had a great time, the guys were a little bummed that I had to be home by 12 but they will get over it." (smart thinking on my part)

She said "Well that's good I am glad you had a good time, Oh by the way we need to go and by a new 800 dollar cuckoo clock today." I replied "What's wrong with ours."

She said it's broke, last night at twelve the damn thing cuckoo'd 3 times then said "OH SH!T, cuckoo'd 4 more times, belched cuckoo'd 2 more times farted, cuckoo'd 3 more times and knocked over the end table.

Now that right there is funny. I don't care who you are.

[MrFixIt]

She said "Well that's good I am glad you had a good time, Oh by the way we need to go and by a new 800 dollar cuckoo clock today." I replied "What's wrong with ours."

She said it's broke, last night at twelve the damn thing cuckoo'd 3 times then said "OH SH!T, cuckoo'd 4 more times, belched cuckoo'd 2 more times farted, cuckoo'd 3 more times and knocked over the end table.

HAHAHA!!! Love it!

[Awanita]

I cleaned most of the sware words up. When I do it live its alittle different. lol

[hunter63]

True story......This morning...

Was waiting for my truck at the hospital valet parking after therapy this morning.....
Lady was in a wheel chair that was being attended by another worker lady.

Lady in the chair was waving franticly to a car pared in the circle........No response.
Waved some more and finally the car pulls up.....Lady says, "Hey that not my car.... Oop's.

Guy say well OK and started to pull away....She pipes up and says, "If my ride isn't here in 5 min....can you give me a ride?
He says no, he was waiting on some one.....

Couple of minutes later her ride shows up, she gets in and leaves....The worker lady say to me, "Can you believe that?...She really wanted a ride."

I said, "Yeah,...I wouldn't have given her a ride either....I would get home, DW would ask me who she was and why she was here.....
And I would have to tell her....

"I don't know who or why, but they are giving away old ladies at the Hospital this morning......., but this one is crabby, ....I gonna take her back".

[Awanita]

Ok here is the reason I got fired
What a hell of a week. First of all I had to work 12 hour shifts till we hired someone to cover a 3rd shift. That was alright because it gave me overtime and that makes the paychecks look good. This is not what led up to me getting fired, here is what happened.

I got nominated to be on the planning committee for our company picnic. Everything was going well, we actually got the company to allow consumption of alcohol at the picnic on company grounds. We thought that we had accomplished a great change but the management came back with some very strict conditions. First it had to be supplied by the company it could not be brought on company grounds by the employees and secondly the employees were only allowed to have ONE drink, ONE F'n drink. I knew that was not going to set well with the employees that like to have a few mixed drinks or beers. We went ahead and put the rules in the flyers as we passed them out we figured it was better than nothing.

I was put in charge of eating utensils, paper plate products, napkins and plastic cups for the BBQ that was going to be catered in.....So here is what led up to me being fired at the company picnic.......I bought the plastic cups for the one drink I am including a photo which will explain a little further. Give me a break a guy can make a mistake can't he.

10377The Reason I got fired!!! I bought the plastic cups for the Alcohol drinks for the company picnic. Geeeesss!!!

[crashdive123]

Hmmmmmmmmm. I'm detecting a theme here.:whistling:

[Tokwan]

That's aplastic pail!

[crashdive123]

Teacher Arrested At London Heathrow Airport - held in isolation.

A secondary school teacher was arrested today at London’s Heathrow International airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At the press conference, a UK Border Control spokesman said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Police with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns;" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, Opposition Leader Ed Millipede said,"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." Fellow Labour colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.

[Rick]

Something about that report just doesn't add up.

[hunter63]

Something about that report just doesn't add up.

I don't know, I have 11 finger/thumbs.....1,2,3,4 5,.......10,9,8,7,6.... 6+5=11

[Awanita]

Could I be responsible

I always try to do the right thing by my fellow man, neighbor or even strangers. Whenever I see someone in need, if I am able I am always willing to lend a helping hand. I found out sometime back that being a good Samaritan doesn't always pay in the end. I found this out a few months back.

My Band "Cherokee Rose" had a one night gig at an Eagles club about 100 miles from where we lived. I called the drummer and asked if he wanted to go over early that Saturday morning with me and set the sound system and instruments up for the show. He said yes he would go with me then we could spend the day checking out some pawn shops and kick back for a few beers before doing the show that night.

The Bass player, the steel guitar player, and my other lead guitar player planned to ride over together later that day. I play fiddle, guitar and do most of the lead singing. The drummer came over early that Saturday morning and off we go. We make it to the Eagle club and it was a cool rainy morning so we parked under the awning to unload the equipment, we get everything set up and do a sound check all sounded good. I told Jimmy my drummer I was going to move the van to the parking lot and he said he would order us a beer, it was close to 11:30 and I am sure 12 o'clock somewhere.

At the bar was myself, Jimmy and the barmaid whom we were well acquainted with because we have played there several years off and on and one other guy at the end of the bar he was slumped over the bar. She was a sweetie, she bought our first round and we sat and talked for awhile. Then we got up to go to the pawn shops. As we got up to leave the barmaid asked if Jimmy and I would give the guy at the end of the bar a ride home. She said he had been there since 7am. I thought, well it is raining outside and it looked like he was in no condition to drive so Jimmy and I said sure no problem.

We go over to the guy and tell him we are going to give him a ride over to his house. He smiled and slurd something that kinda sounded like thank you. I set him up on the bar stool and as I started to get him to stand he did a face dive. What the heck, so I told Jimmy to get under one arm and we would help him to my van. We get to the door and it is raining moderate and I tell him where we are parked and we get him stable and Bam (WTF) he goes down again. I look at Jimmy and said looks like this may turn into a full time baby sitting session. We pick him up and go running through the rain to my van. I tell him he is going to have to stand on his own while I unlock the door so he can get in. He slurs the word no. I said listen man we are trying to help you, come on help us out here Just stand here a second and we will get you in the van. Well I let go and reach in my pocket for my keys, somebuck if he didn't fall again.

We are all water logged by now but we get him into the middle set of seats, then we get in the front seat and I turn around and ask him what his address, he was almost passed out by this time and slurring so badly I though well sh!t. I get back out open the side door in the pouring down rain and go through the guys back pocket for his wallet. Thank god there wasn't a policeman around he would have thought we were mugging the poor guy, little blood on his face and me going through his pockets.

Ah found an address so I get him seat belted into the van and off we go to his address, he was slurring and pointing to the right then he would point straight ahead. I guess he was trying to give us directions, which I thought feller in your condition you couldn't find your a** with both hands. We pull up to his house and I asked if he could make from here, he shook his head no and slurred something that sounded like "you son of b***h" . I thought you ungrateful butthead, but trying to do the right thing Jimmy and I get out and try to get him to his house in the pouring rain. He takes two more dives to the ground before we can get him to the door.

Finally here we are all three standing at the door Jimmy on one side, me on the other and the ungrateful drunk in the middle. I ring the doorbell and about 30 seconds later this beautiful woman answers the door. I told her that we had brought her husband home from the Eagles club, she smiled and said "Thank you two sweet men for bringing my husband home, but where is his wheel chair.">>>>>>OMG!!! Am I responsible if they can't find his wheelchair.

Satire--------- Disclaimer: No individuals, drunks or handicapped persons were hurt in the telling of this satire story.

[Sarge47]

After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal "TSA Pat Down." They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My wife has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. She's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized she was right.
The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my wife: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard her voice. "Are you kidding me?" She barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"
Welcome to the golden years...

[Sarge47]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single, and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."....:tt2:

[crashdive123]

So you want to play soccer?


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqgi_IpSxOQ

[Rick]

I have no idea how they did that but that was hilarious.

[crashdive123]

It has already started at Dick's Sporting Goods.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little more clear. I still don't think I looked that bad.

[Rick]

No ship. Right after 911 I was preparing to board a flight and was passing through security. The woman said undo your belt. Now, you know how bad my hearing is and I know how bad my hearing is so I figured I was either complying or about to get arrested. As it turned out my belt buckle was tripping the metal detector. Whew!

[hunter63]

That was funny.......Bohahahahaha

[hunter63]

It has already started at Dick's Sporting Goods.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little more clear. I still don't think I looked that bad.

I guess the reason they don't have TP in those little room.....they called them...."Fitting rooms'?

[crashdive123]

Yeah, but I get some really interesting reactions when I reach under the dressing room wall and ask if they can spare some toilet paper.

[natertot]

I went to the hardware store the other day to get a few things. When I went to check out, it was apparent that the young lady was new and recently allowed to work the register on her own with a more seasoned employee readily available if she needed help. I placed the items on the counter to make my purchase. One of the items was denatured alcohol and she accidently rang up ten of them. I looked at her with the straightest face I could muster and said, "Ma'am, I don't need to drink that much". The look she gave me was priceless. She then consulted her trainer for a few minutes. I would have loved to have heard that conversation!

Another time and place I bought only two items. It was a toilet bowl brush and a tube of toothpaste. I could tell the cashier wanted to ask.......

[hunter63]

....Or buy a bag of potting soil.....and an Anniversary Card.....tell the lady that 21 years is for dirt......Every one in line will start looking at the little card in their wallet.......25 years silver, 50 years gold..........21 years dirt

[MrFixIt]

Went down to the local Racetrak store the other day to pick up a 6 pack. Placed my goods on the counter and the young lady asked me for my ID.
I looked at her and asked why. She said we have to ID everybody. Now, mind you, I'm obviously over 21, but can understand if I was close to the age and being asked.
I told the girl I was old enough to be her father, and that maybe some common sense should prevail. The manager steps over and asks what's the problem. I tell her that I'm being carded and didn't understand why since I'm obviously well over 21.
She said it was company policy to ID everyone for alcohol and tobacco products.
I shrugged, pulled out my license, paid the girl and proceeded to leave.
The young clerk told me she was sorry, and that her daddy drank the same brand, winked and smiled at me.
Guess where I'm going when I get off from work...

[Rick]

Where??????

[crashdive123]

Yeah, where?

[Sarge47]

A precious little girl walks into a Pet store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

[MrFixIt]

Where??????


Yeah, where?

I just went home. :angelwings:

[crashdive123]

As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

[Sarge47]

A cop stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
The driver steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
orientation, etc., in explicit offensive terms.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower
right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to
The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and
when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know
what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're
an azzhole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record
with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and
mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket
you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH,"
underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for azzhole?"
Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.
~~~~ How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?....:2:

[Sarge47]

The story of the Three Pigs.
Once upon a time their were 3 pigs.
They lived at home with their mother since their dad was such a boar. One day their mom came home in a bad mood. It seems she received a porking ticket while working at the Piggly Wiggly.
"From now on, I'm going to stop bringing home the bacon and start getting it around here". She was such a ham. Money was tight, since their mom opted for a pignuptial agreement, so the 3 pigs moved out on their own.
The first pig built his house out of straw and was looking for some oinkment to put on his sty, when he heard a knock at the door. "Who is it"? It was the wolf, but the pig couldn't understand him. He always wanted to be a movie actor and star in Hamlet . . . but Kevin Bacon got the job. Finally, the wolf blew the house down and the first pig got out the door.
He ran to the second pig's house made out of sticks, an environmentalist's nightmare. The second pig was always in trouble . . . going to pignics and running his Harley Hog through the middle and pulling the girl's pig tails. He is now a politician and that is where we get pork barrel legislation from. While playing with their ham radios, a knock could be heard at the door. "Who is it".said the first pig? But they couldn't understand the wolf. The second pig was disgruntled, so he wasn't able to speak. Suddenly, the wolf blew the house down.
The 2 pigs ran to the third pig's house. The first pig got a hamstring, so the second pig gave him a piggyback ride. The third pig built his house out of brick. He was looking for resale value, and was very wealthy from his mud wrestling career. The pigs watched tv and saw Pygmalion, Silence of the Hams and Pork and Mindy.
There was a knock at the door. The 3 pigs could not understand the wolf. Then the wolf started speaking pig latin and said, "Dominos". The third pig opened the door and quickly inspected the Pizza for sausage , ham or bacon. He looked up, saw the wolf, and ran upstairs to dial swine one one.
The police arrived and arrested the wolf for trespassing. Mama pig came over and read them their favorite story, this little human went to market, this little human stayed home, etc. and as she was leaving looked over and said, " Look at that, pigs in a blanket"!...:cowboy:

[Sarge47]

"TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HAVE A BAD DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA"
10. After shouting "Merry Christmas!" he gets a hacking cough and has to lay down for awhile.
9. He keeps trying to get the kids' mothers to sit on his lap.
8. Instead of "Ho, ho, ho!" he says "Yeah, whatever."
7. He keeps playing grab azz with the elf helpers.
6. After the kids mention the toys they want, he asks them "How much you got on you?"
5. During his lunch break, he flips through the Victoria's Secret catalogue.
4. He smells like a nursing home disinfectant.
3. He keeps taking frequent breaks to check in with his parole officer.
2. His Santa outfit doesn't include pants.
And the #1 Sign You Have A Bad Department Store Santa
1. It’s Charlie Sheen....:detective:

[Sarge47]

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......
"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"...:glare:

[Batch]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

[Batch]

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bar tender says, I'll serve you. But, don't you go starting anything.

[Tokwan]

heheheheheheheheheheheheheheeee.

[BENESSE]

Macho man married good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'

His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'

[BENESSE]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece to paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[Sarge47]

This elephant and alligator were good friends in the jungle...
They are walking along a trail when the elephant spies this turtle sunning itself on a log.
The elephant stops and stares at the turtle for the longest time, then rushes over to it, snatches it off the log with its trunk and throws it up into a near by tree.
The alligator just watches this and when it is over with, says to the elephant, "What was that all about?"
The elephant replies, "That is the same turtle that bit my trunk and made it bleed so badly, 45 years ago!"
The alligator goes, "Wow!! You remember that one incident from so long ago!"
The elephant replies, "Oh, Yes, I have turtle recall!!"

[Rick]

A wise person once said:

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never stop to realize that some of the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

AND . . .

4. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legitimate. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

[Rick]

A scent that can ease anxiety, promote a sensation of security, calmness and control, in any uncomfortable situation. I call it Aromatherapy.

http://33.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m34iywPioV1qzmisto1_500.jpg

[hunter63]

............and anywhere is in walking distance....given enough time.
Stephen Wright

[1stimestar]

A scent that can ease anxiety, promote a sensation of security, calmness and control, in any uncomfortable situation. I call it Aromatherapy.

http://33.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m34iywPioV1qzmisto1_500.jpg

Lol tried to rep you for that.

[crashdive123]

A scent that can ease anxiety, promote a sensation of security, calmness and control, in any uncomfortable situation. I call it Aromatherapy.

http://33.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m34iywPioV1qzmisto1_500.jpg

This is probably the origins of the phrase...."It is better to give than to receive".

[Rick]

A group of former school mates, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big breasts, and wore short-shorts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the old school buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the old school mates again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.

Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.

[Rick]

A little kid was sitting on the curb shaking a bottle of liquid and watching the air bubbles slowly rise. A priest came along, saw what the little boy was doing and stopped to question him.

"What ya got there son," asked the priest.

The little boy eyed the priest and held up the bottle for inspection. "This here is the most powerful liquid in the world. This here is turpentine."

The priest chuckled at the little boys naivety. "Son, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you sprinkle a few drops of Holy Water on a pregnant woman's tummy she'll pass a baby boy."

"Shoot, that ain't nuthin," replied the boy. "You sprinkle a couple of drops of turpentine on a cat's butt it'll pass a motorcycle."

(No cats were harmed in the retelling of this joke)

[MrFixIt]

I used to manage a full service gas station/country store. Here is one that I would tell...

A feral cat would get into the dumpster every night, strew trash all over the lot. We had to clean up every morning after this thing.
One day I decided I would lure the rascal in with a can of tuna. Over the course of several days, I would set out a can and the cat would come. After a few days I was able to get closer and closer, then finally caught him in a feed bag.
Took him over to one of the gas pumps, took the nozzle and squeezed some gas onto his butt. Let the cat outta the bag and he tore around the fuel island. I swear I saw sparks coming from his claws!
Then all of a sudden, the cat stops and lies down.
At this point the enraptured customer would ask, "Did the cat die?!"
I would reply, "Naw, he just ran outta gas..."
;)

[Rick]

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!"

She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc.

She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House, And if he sees his shadow, we have another year of B*** S***."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

[hunter63]

Might have heard this one.............


A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They
were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together
again.


The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'


While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady
in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls
light up sequentially.


They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then
the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped
out.


The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son.....

'Go get your Mother'

[Rick]

A rare look inside a can of whoop-***.

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/03/28/article-0-125AF9C9000005DC-875_964x641.jpg

[hunter63]

Cool....But that ain't no Joke.....

[hunter63]

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving
relationship with their husband.
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text to
their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
The women were then instructed to exchange phones with another
person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in
response.

Below are some replies; some are hilarious.
If you have been married for quite a while ... a sign of true love ... who else
would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's up with you?
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the heck did you do now?
7. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
8. Am I dreaming?
9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone
will die.
10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?


..........10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day. .....Bhohahahahaha

[Sarge47]

Many people have ask how I stay so fit. This is what I did......

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room on each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
( I'm at this level .)

After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each bag...:sweatingbullets:

[Rick]

This is an actual email I received earlier today. Everyone receives them but this one is just so bad it's funny so I thought I'd stick it in the Joke of the Day thread. And somewhere, someone proof read it and said, Yep, that ought to work. Then hit send. Formatting and all just as I received it.

JAMES B. COMEY JR EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
FBI.WASHINGTON DC. ANTI TERRORIST AND MONITORY CRIMES DIVISION. FBI SEEKING
TO WIRETAP INTERNET Good Day, We believe this notification meets you in a
very good present state of mind and health. We the Federal bureau of investigation
(FBI) Washington, DC in conjunction with some other relevant Investigation
Agencies here in the United states of America have recently been informed
through our Global intelligence monitoring network that you presently have
a transaction going on with the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) as regards
to your over-due contract/inheritance payment which was fully endorsed in
your favor accordingly. We will found a way to fix a schedule for you to come
to our head-quarter in Washington DC to enable us advise you on what to do,
but meanwhile you are further advised to be contacting us via email for now
because we are having various investigations that we are working on now.
Keep everything regarding to your transaction confidential for security reasons
and note that we have not informed the local FBI department in your state
regarding this matter because we want to keep everything secret until your
fund is received by you to satisfy the requirements of the law.

The email server I use classifies an email as spam if it scores 5 questionable points (Reply To looks random, Missing To: Header, etc). This one scored 50.9. That's like a home run in center field at Tiger Stadium.

[hunter63]

Can't say if they are brilliant or just that freaking stupid.....
Bhoahahaha

But people bite...OMG.

[Sarge47]

Sooooo let me see if I got this straight, the government is really interested in helping you get a ton of money you didn't know anything about...is that right? They're with the FBI but are not telling the FBI in Indiana, even though they are part of the same government organization because that'd be against the law? So when do you leave for Washington?...:wavey:

[Rick]

I will be meeting with the Jr. Executive Director (Or is the Comey Jr?) as soon as they fix a schedule. (I didn't know one was broken).

[RangerXanatos]

I got the Nigerian money scam a couple of months ago and had fun with them. I saved all the emails just for fun.

[Rick]

There are a lot of folks playing with them. One guy even has them post pictures of themselves holding signs to prove they are who they say they are. The signs are a mix of letters that say something obscene but since they are English Second Language they don't understand what it says. Some of it is pretty funny. Of course he posts them all. He posts their phone numbers as well.

[hunter63]

Haven't had that one in a while.....
Back a couple of years ago there was ...the "Your cousin Tony, He is in Shi Lanka, in jail, and needs $1300 bucks to get out."....scam.

Told them that "He" is a "She".....and I never liked her all that much anyway.....Tough beans.

[Rick]

Remind me not to call you for bail money.

[Sarge47]

Craig's List: Free to good home.
My girlfriend doesn't like my dog "Princess", so I appeal to you.
She is a purebred from a wealthy area and I have had her 4 years. She likes to play games. Not totally trained. She's a little high maintenance with her grooming, especially the nails, but she loves having them done. Stays up all night yapping but sleeps while I work. Only eats the best, most expensive food. Will NEVER greet you at the door after a long day or give you unconditional love when you're down. Does not bite but she can be mean as hell!
So........anyone interested in my 30 year old, selfish, wicked, gold-digging girlfriend?
Come and get her!
Me and my dog want her re-homed!!...:w00t:

[hunter63]

http://olympictalk.nbcsports.com/2015/04/06/100-year-old-woman-swimming-record-1500-freestyle-mieko-nagaoka/

Two sharks swimming around under water.....
Shark 1 "Hey you think that's still good to eat?"
Shark 2 "Naw, better smell it first .....doesn't look too good to me......Lets eat tomorrow".

[Rick]

If I make it to 100 I'll be tickled pick if I can WALK 1500 meters. I wouldn't even think about swimming. Of course there's that whole diaper thing too, so.

[finallyME]

If I make it to 100 I'll be tickled pick if I can WALK 1500 meters. I wouldn't even think about swimming. Of course there's that whole diaper thing too, so.

Don't worry, they make swim diapers. I guess the question is, do they make swim diapers in your size?

[Rick]

Umm, I'm not gonna ask you how you know that.

[crashdive123]

Or why he might be curious. It's a brave new world.

[1stimestar]

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are.

Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home.

All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.

It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail

[hunter63]

Your laugh for today!

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral.
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate
funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life.
A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service
as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the
heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the
doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all
eyes stared at him, he said, I'm so sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral, I'm a Proctoligist.
The priest fainted!

[BENESSE]

http://www.wilderness-survival.net/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=10715&stc=1

[Rick]

(Sigh) That would be funny if it weren't true.

Guy walks into an auto parts store with jumper cables. The guy behind the counter yells at him, "Hey! You can come in here but don't start anything!"

[BENESSE]

Har, har! My favorite type of jokes!

[crashdive123]

My wife accused me of being immature.


I told her to get out of my fort.

[kyratshooter]

I had the exact same thing happen once!

http://www.tripadvisor.com/Attraction_Review-g55069-d144099-Reviews-Historic_Mansker_s_Station_Frontier_Life_Center-Goodlettsville_Sumner_County_Tennes.html

[Rick]

http://www.humoar.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/robert-lost-his-glasses.jpg (http://www.humoar.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/robert-lost-his-glasses.jpg)

[crashdive123]

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.


Then they call me poor and ugly.

[crashdive123]

Pinocchio, Snow White & Superman


Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walk, they come across a sign:

"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering," said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?"

" First Place," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:

"Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

" First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:

"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio says "this is mine."

Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Hillary Clinton?" asked Pinocchio.

[Rick]

Buhahahahaha!

[Sarge47]

Get A Second Opinion
The doctor said, "Paul, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.
"Paul was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new
suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Paul laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Paul tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Paul admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Paul thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Paul and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."
Paul was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" Paul tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Paul walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Paul thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Paul's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."
Paul laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache..."

[Sarge47]

Breaking some eggs.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."....:creepy:

[hunter63]

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS...

SERIOUSLY?!!!

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
(Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height..,"
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ..."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a colour photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

And finally...ya gotta love this one.

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."

--

[Eastree]

A man is in a plane accident, and washes up on a deserted island. He is the only human survivor, and washes up with a shepherd dog and a sheep. After a few months, he's watching the sun set with the two animals, and he's getting some urges after so much loneliness. He puts his arm around the sheep, and the shepherd dog starts growling, protective as it is by instinct. "So much for that," thinks the man.

Some time later, another plane crashes. Lo and behold, Hilliary Clinton is the lone survivor, and washes ashore on his island. They're all watching a beautiful sunset together, and the man is getting urges. He thinks this is finally his moment. He leans over to Hilliary and says, "Uh, hey ... You uh ... you wanna go uh ... wanna go take the dog for a walk?"

[hunter63]

Dress Code
Many of us over 50 . . . WAY over 50 . . . are quite confused about how we should
present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and
whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. And for
those of you receiving this who are nowhere near 50 yet, keep reading anyway .
. . you'll be there.

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations
DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10.
11. Bikinis and liver spots
12. Short shorts and varicose veins
13. In-line skates and a walker


And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion:
14. A hong and Depends

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop

[Rick]

I hate this. First, my grand kids tell me my comb over, mutton chop sideburns and mood ring have to go. Now number 14 shows up. This is starting to get serious.

[2dumb2kwit]

This may cheer you up, Rick.

Any peanut butter can be crunchy peanut butter, if you put your pills in it.

[2dumb2kwit]

My wife accused me of being immature.


I told her to get out of my fort.

Hahaha......I've been warning my neighbor, that one day I'm going to build a fort next to my fire-pit, in the back yard. Hahaha.

(Heck....I may even build my fort around the fire-pit.)

[Sarge47]

NEVER SATISFIED.

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.
"Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."....:w00t:

[hunter63]

Now THAT is funny....I don't care who you are.....
Bytch, bytch, bytch.......

[hunter63]

This may cheer you up, Rick.

Any peanut butter can be crunchy peanut butter, if you put your pills in it.

Bhohahahah, ......y'all are on FIRE!

[Sarge47]

The Navy Master Chief noticed a new sailor among his crew. So he yelled at him, “Get over here! What’s your name sailor?”
“Tim,” the new sailor replied.
“Now look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled.
“It breeds familiarity, and that in turn leads to a breakdown in authority. And I will not have my authority compromised. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Miller, whatever.
And you are to refer to me as ‘Chief.’ Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“Aye, Aye, Chief!”
“Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name sailor?”
The sailor sighed. “Darling, My name is Tim Darling, Chief.”
“Okay, Tim, here’s what I want you to do ….” replied the Chief.....:w00t:

[Sarge47]

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."...:chef:

[Sarge47]

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.
My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
.....on the couch....
....naked....:lol:

[Phaedrus]

A woman walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double entendre. So he gave it to her.

[Rick]

(snort, chuckle). Someone is looking up double entendre at this very moment.

[hunter63]

(snort, chuckle). Someone is looking up double entendre at this very moment.
LOL....Yeah, me.....

dou·ble en·ten·dre


/ˌdo͞obl änˈtändrə,ˌdəbl änˈtändrə/


noun

noun: double entendre; plural noun: double entendres
a word or phrase open to two interpretations, one of which is usually risqué or indecent.

synonyms: ambiguity, double meaning, innuendo, play on words
"much of the comedy is derived from racy double entendres"

•humor using double entendres.

https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=double+entendre+meaning

Is it still funny if I have to look it up?........or is the Yoke on me?

[Batch]

A guy walks up to a lady walking her dog and says, "Dang! That is one ugly pig!"

The lady replies, "That is not a pig! That is my dog!"

Guy says, "I was talking to the dog."

[hunter63]

......That's when the fight started.....LOL

[Sarge47]

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people.
I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels
and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably mad.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.....:w00t:

[Sarge47]

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.
A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said:
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied: "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear:
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
"May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said: "F#%& you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said: "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."....:1:

[Sarge47]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing....:crying:

[Batch]

A blond walks into a library and says to the woman behind the counter, "I'll have a burger, large fries and a diet coke!" The Library says, "Miss ,this is a library!" The blond leans in and whispers, "Ohhhh sorry, I'll have a burger, large fries and a diet coke."

[Wise Old Owl]

The absolute power of the whisper. Men melt.

[TXyakr]

All bubble wrap has been banned at the Washington D.C. Navy Yard.
Just put it in the trash gently, do not squeeze or pop or the building will be on national news in 10 minutes. OMG Folks are way jumpy.

[Sarge47]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent." ...:cowboy:

[hunter63]

A woman hurried to the pharmacy to get medication , she
got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.
She looked at it and said,
"I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP .
Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up,
Driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said:
"Yes, my daughter is sick.
I've locked my keys in my car.
I must get home.
Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure."
He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute
The car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said,
"Thank You, God,
For sending me such a very nice man."
The man heard her little prayer and replied,
"Lady, I am NOT a nice man.
I just got out of prison yesterday;
I was in prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing ,
"Oh, thank you, God!
You even sent me a Professional!"

[crashdive123]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.

[Rick]

Two old guys were sitting at the fountain in the mall waiting for their wives to finish shopping.

1st Old Guy: "I've been sitting here so long my butt fell asleep."
2nd Old Guy: "Yeah, I heard it snoring a couple of times."

[hunter63]

Rick, was that you in the mall?...Well, I'll be.

[Sarge47]

https://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/11905745_10153443890081154_1577557488683480811_n.j pg?oh=66bdee66958321d2c8f93a227ac7220d&oe=56701ACB
(https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10153443890081154&set=a.316745971153.195938.577911153&type=1)


So, I was walking through Chicago and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store."

I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"
The clerk said, "F@‪#‎k‬ (https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/k?source=feed_text&story_id=10153444296446154) off, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"...:1:

[nell67]

https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtp1/v/t1.0-9/11870928_10205083639114568_7596906119830309844_n.j pg?oh=9cb63897847666b70c5e5fff7aab5737&oe=56772A41

[WalkingTree]

A rooster, hen, and squirrel walk into a saloon.

The rooster hops up onto the bar, and hollers out a "cock-a-doodle-doooo!"

The hen mutters, just loud enough to be heard, "any C- will do."

The squirrel twitches his busy tail, in deep thought for a moment, and muses to himself "now, where did I hide my nuts anyway?"

[Wise Old Owl]

Two old guys were sitting at the fountain in the mall waiting for their wives to finish shopping.

1st Old Guy: "I've been sitting here so long my butt fell asleep."
2nd Old Guy: "Yeah, I heard it snoring a couple of times."


Horribly wrong on both sides..... just saying... maybe a sphincter
involved

[hunter63]

An old, tired-looking dog wanders into a man's gated yard one day. The man is a dog lover, so he lets him in. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly, coming to the conclusion that the dog has a home.

The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and immediately falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tail and leaves.


The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep.


After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tail and leaves.

This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day."

The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep."

"Can I come with him tomorrow?'

[Grizzlyette Adams]

HOW TO UNDERSTAND WOMEN

Whatever you give to a woman,
she will make greater.

If you give her a house,
she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries,
she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile,
she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges
what is given to her.

So, if you give her any bull,
be ready to receive a ton of crap.

[hunter63]

No Ship.........

[nell67]

posting this in the joke thread, however this is an actual ad on a facebook buy/sale/trade page:


"F/s Jeep Wrangler yj 4x4 with title. V6 automatic 166,000 miles. It's rusty but it Runs, drives, ****s, turns and wheels good. No top or doors included. Located in new Albany just north of Louisville. $2500. C/p more pics under my profile under a public folder. If you send me a pm please post that you did, so I can recieve it."



as you can see, WSF filtered out the word here, which I am guessing was SUPPOSED to be shifts, but the seller forgot the "f"

[natertot]

That is funny, Nell. Nobody wants a constipated Jeep now, do they?

[kyratshooter]

call came through on the scanner from the sheriff's department.

Deputy; We have a situation here, a little old lady just shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped.

Dispatcher; Have you arrested her?

Deputy; No, the floor is not dry yet!

[hunter63]

Ain't that the truth.....

How about....

I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it.
I said, "Left Tackle?”

That's when the fight started.

[Rick]

Just Little Larry....

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Larry?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself".


Larry watched, fascinated, As his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter," asked Larry "Giving up?"


The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Larry quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"


Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. Larry pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."'
Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"


Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Larry, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

[Rick]

http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/male_brain_zpsxike0vx2.gif (http://s348.photobucket.com/user/safe_zone/media/male_brain_zpsxike0vx2.gif.html)

[Rick]

I was gonna invent a pencil with an eraser at both ends. But then I realized it was pointless.

My memory is so bad. (How bad is it?) How bad is what?

How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? Ten tickles. Get it? Tenticles?

How does Moses make coffee? He brews it?

My ipod is named Titanic. At the moment it's syncing.

Fish are easy to weigh. They have their own scales.

I hated my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I fell off a 28 foot ladder yesterday. Fortunately, I was only on the first rung.

Anyone know the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is heavy and the other is a little lighter.

Know what you call a fish with no eyes? A Fsh.

Know why the mushroom gets invited to all the parties? 'Cause he's a fun guy.

Two shows nightly. 7 and 9. Get your tickets early.

[crashdive123]

Oh.....you said ten, not test. :whistling:

[Batch]

A guy walks into a adult books store and says he wants to buy an inflatable doll.

Male or female asks the clerk.

"Why female of course.", says the man.

"Black or white?" asks the clerk.

White.

"Muslim or Christian?" asks the clerk.

This question confused the man, so he asked, "What has the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"

"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

[ClayPick]

How to speak Irish....

Whale

Oil

Beef

Hooked

(Say it fast).......:)

[Rick]

It hasn't made the news yet but female aliens have invaded earth and are kidnapping sexy, virulent, good looking men. None of you have anything to worry about. I just posted to say goodbye.

[Wildthang]

A blonde lady caught her kitchen on fire while cooking dinner, and she promptly called the fire department.

She said help my kitchen is on fire, then she just stopped talking. Then she said hurry up get here before my house burns down, then just stopped talking and sat on the phone.

The dispatcher said, wait...........how do we get there??

The lady said Oh Duh..............just drive the big red truck!!!

[gcckoka]

http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20160322/dce6d378198811df6795a2fb0f212ec0.jpg hahahahaahhhaha


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[crashdive123]

Sorry, I fail to see any humor in that.

[natertot]

Sorry, I fail to see any humor in that.

Kinda glad I'm not the only one......

[hunter63]

Kinda glad I'm not the only one......

What the heck was that all about.......?

[natertot]

What the heck was that all about.......?

Post #1976

[Eastree]

For those lost on post #1976" It's a joke about a Tolkein quote:
http://i66.tinypic.com/357ot90.jpg

edited: too large an image

[hunter63]

Post #1976
I gathered that.......Oh well.....
Moving on....
And, Yeah Eastree I recall the quote.....

[crashdive123]

Yep, I understand the origins of the first panel of the cartoon/meme/whatever it is - just failed to see the humor in the other three panels.

[hunter63]

Rodger that...........

[Rick]

Uh, Hunter, that was Crash. I don't think we have a Roger.

[hunter63]

Rodger Crashed?.....OMG.....
Oh.....I get it....Nevermind....

[MrFixIt]

It hasn't made the news yet but female aliens have invaded earth and are kidnapping sexy, virulent, good looking men. None of you have anything to worry about. I just posted to say goodbye.

I just got back.
Boy am I tired...

[hunter63]

Dr. said not to drink as much coffee.....So I don't.
I switch to beer around 10:00 A.M.

The he says, "You can have 2 beers a day....."
This one of for October 25, 2027.....#1

[crashdive123]

I just got back.
Boy am I tired...

Out looking for Rick are you?

[MrFixIt]

Out looking for Rick are you?

No, I wasn't looking, but was pretty sure I'd run into him.
He must have been on another ship, I never saw him in the chow hall...

[Rick]

I generally stay in the galley. Someone has to ensure all that food is fit for consumption. Hang on....Has the foi gras been taste tested? Well, bring it over here. Yeah, always in the galley.

[WalkingTree]

Here's a laugh for the day.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kMHnNF2rqpI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GaMylwohL14

[WalkingTree]

Oh man this is so funny.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufOz00oYzZM


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8rDhd5MC4M

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4zTOfix40Y

[Rollicks]

Oh man this is so funny.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufOz00oYzZM


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8rDhd5MC4M

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4zTOfix40Y

Hahahaha. Those robots would never stand a chance against a Roomba.

[hunter63]

Yeah...Whatever happened to "Battle Bots?"
Cool vid.....

[WalkingTree]

Toro and the Whyachis...the kings of the arena.

[Rick]

Ninja bots. Whooda thunkit? I like Balloon Head. Have to admit I didn't see that coming.

[WalkingTree]

weeeell....Battlebots tonight. On my over the air channel at least. Let's see if it's better than Alone. I'm gonna start a poll....Battlebots, or Alone. Sparks, or dirt. New fire starting method - bring a battle bot out to the bush with you.

[Lionel Twain]

A Roman walks into a bar with a group of his friends, hold up two fingers and says, "Five beers, please."

[crashdive123]

I see what you did there. I like it.