Joke of the day.

[Pal334]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last
of which hadleft his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several
false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was
another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was
embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed
sheets,and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile
at his feet.

As the drunk stood there unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets,
a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had
watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going
on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of
a ghost."

[Pal334]

Here's something to think about.


I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'


He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied... 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?


'I said, 'Not much.... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'


'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'


'No, I don't,' I said.


He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'


'No,' I said.


He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a sh**?!!

[BENESSE]

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good-looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor.

[2dumb2kwit]

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good-looking, sensitive man?


2dumb2kwit!:innocent:


OK....I'm not all that sensitive.

[BENESSE]

2dumb2kwit!:innocent:


OK....I'm not all that sensitive.

How about...

Q. What do you call a man with half a brain?
A. ?

[BENESSE]

1. Counselor.
2. A Yankee Lawyer.
3. Ken.

CORRECT ANSWER: Gifted

[AmericanPrussian]

http://i37.tinypic.com/2j3i39c.jpg

:innocent::innocent::innocent:

(Take a look at the date in the upper right hand corner.)

[crashdive123]

Steps slowly away from the forum.

Ladies, it's spelled A m e r i c a n P r u s s i a n.

[pocomoonskyeyes]

Slowly HE!! I'm Running!!!

[AmericanPrussian]

Hey now... This is the joke area. :-p If I seriously believed in this then it wouldn't be here! lol

[Ken]

Hey now... This is the joke area. :-p If I seriously believed in this then it wouldn't be here! lol

To delete this message, check the appropriate option below and then click the 'Delete this Message' button.

Deletion Options

[ ] Do Not Delete Message
[X] Delete Message

Reason for Deletion: I don't want to be killed

[Ken]

Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that . . .


Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.



http://www.google.com/images?q=tbn:gXIxGCgyT43W1M::img2.allposters.com/images/DES/D834.jpg&h=94&w=73&usg=__syqTTIUjFrOrbc0DoDCO8hsUjrM= (http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://img2.allposters.com/images/DES/D834.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.allposters.com/-sp/Smokey-Bear-Only-You-Posters_i995101_.htm&h=450&w=353&sz=45&tbnid=gXIxGCgyT43W1M:&tbnh=127&tbnw=100&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dsmokey%2Bthe%2Bbear&hl=en&usg=__R64uaE_DUZpNVk2IGCHVPZw1nyU=&ei=JQLxSuy7IdLU8AarzbWBCQ&sa=X&oi=image_result&resnum=1&ct=image&ved=0CAsQ9QEwAA)

[rebel_chick]

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, Surely I Can't Look That Old?

Well.....you'll Love This One!

My Name Is Alice Smith And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist. I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name.

Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark Haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 30-odd Years Ago.

Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then?

Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.

This Balding, Gray Haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To Have Been My Classmate, After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morgan Park High School.

'yes, Yes I Did. I'm A Mustang! ' He Gleamed With Pride.

'when Did You Graduate?' I Asked

He Answered, In 1975. Why Do You Ask?

'you Were In My Class!' I Exclaimed.

He Looked At Me Closely.then That Ugly, Old, Bald, Wrinkled, Fat ***, Gray Haired, Decrepit, Son Of A (behive) Asked....






What Did You Teach?"

[Pal334]

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know.. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............

[Rick]

LMAO. Now that's funny and I can hear them doing it.

[crashdive123]

Nice one Pal.

[Ken]

http://www.memojokes.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/memojoke_suicidebomber.gif

[crashdive123]

Now the rest should practice, just to make sure they get it right.

[trax]

A cowboy arrives at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter greets him. Cowboys sometimes living less than stellar lifestyles, St Pete challenges him and says

"If you can tell me one good thing you did in your life that should get you in here...I'll allow you in"

The cowboy kind of leans against the Pearly Gatepost and stares off over the horizon, spits out his chewin' tobacco and drawls

"Well there was this one time I was riding through the badlands and I came across this gang of bikers who were roughing up a young lady, intent on having their way with her. I directed them to stop, but they ignored me, so I climbed down off'n my hoss, walked over to the biggest, most tattooed nastiest lookin' one, cuffed him upside the head, ripped out his nose ring and kicked him in the crotch. When he went down I turned to the rest of them and said 'Now if you don't back off and leave her be, I'll give you all a whuppin like that"

St Peter was impressed. "My goodness," he says, "when did all this happen?"

The cowboy says "oooh, a couple of minutes ago"...

[Pal334]

Bubba Had Shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

[Pal334]

A Little Girl's Prayer

"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer,
Amen."

[Pal334]

Ya think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are,
then along comes someone and blows it all to the dickens...


Ya think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are,
then along comes someone and blows it all to the dickens...


An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn,
fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women.
When I shower, I think about naked women.
When I watch TV, I think about naked women.
It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

[Pal334]

VERY INSPIRING!

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'? Well. I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, scotch, and margaritas into urine.

And I'm pretty d**n good at it, too!!

[2dumb2kwit]

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

[Sarge47]

Disclaimer! This is not open to political discussion but too funny to pass up!

It's How You Say It

Nancy Pelosi was touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on, and the
car comes to a stop. Nancy , in her usual charming manner, says to the
chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Nancy .

Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled
with a big grin on his face.

'My God, what happened to you?' asks Nancy .

The chauffeur replies 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best
bottle of Scotch Whisky, the wife cooked me a great meal and the
daughter kissed me all over.

'What on earth did you say?' asks Nancy .

'I just knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them:
'I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow.' :smash::sailor:

[Pal334]

On this eve of our celebration of Vetreans day, thought this was appropriate.

At a time when our president and other politicians tend to apologize for our country's prior actions, here's a refresher on how some of our former patriots handled negative comments about our country.

JFK'S
Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when De Gaulle decided to pull out of NATO. De Gaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.

Rusk responded, "Does that include those who are buried here?"De Gaulle did not respond.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of 'empire building' by George Bush.

He answered by saying, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return."
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?"

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a
dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?"
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passportin his carry on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen
to show a passport to."

[canid]

HOW MANY LAWYERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
A. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this point being non-negotiable. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership." .....the end


how this one made my morning.

[BENESSE]

A Texas oilman hit a gusher and decided to celebrate by buying a souped-up European sports car. He took it for a test-drive and eased it up to seventy, then eighty, and then eighty-five, at which time he noticed a police car in his rearview mirror with its siren blaring. In response, the oilman edged forward another twenty miles per hour, but the patrolman followed closely behind. Finally, the oilman pulled over to the side of the road and looked up to see the furious uniformed patrolman bearing down on him. "Didn't you see me and hear the siren?"

"Yes, sir, but I have a good explanation."

The patrolman took off his glasses. "This had better be good."

"Well, officer, about three weeks ago my wife ran off with a good-looking state trooper... just like you. When I saw your car, I thought you were him... bringing her back."

[mountain mama]

wow, I step away from the forum for just a lil' while and look what happens...


hey Nel, ya wanna go hunting this weekend? I hear AmericanPrussian is in season ;)

[2dumb2kwit]

I saw this today, and thought it was funny, and sad.
Hmmm....wonder where he lives? LOL




Location: The unemployment center that looks like a mitten.

[2dumb2kwit]

No comments, please. Just for humor.

[nell67]

wow, I step away from the forum for just a lil' while and look what happens...


hey Nel, ya wanna go hunting this weekend? I hear AmericanPrussian is in season ;)
Heck yea,I'm game,no,wait,I mean AmericanPrussian is the game,see ya at 2:30 am sharp!

[Sarge47]

The Pharmacist's Monday
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him:

"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

"When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

"And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her." :sneaky2:

[Pal334]

MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They are such jerks ...

[Pal334]

Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These. .



In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always
died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of
their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it
had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as
to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of
experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next
Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses
nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible
phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and
other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck
11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and
unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.



Still Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the
Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two
of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild
amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
killer whale ate them both.


Still think you are having a Bad Day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen
shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him
away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking
his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to
his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty
of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two
thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding
madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What? STILL having a Bad Day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage
on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!

There now, Feeling Better?

[Rick]

I thought you might get a kick out of this. You can give this little dog all kinds of commands such as sit, roll over, down, stand, sing, dance, shake, fetch, play dead, etc and he'll do it. Tell him to sneeze and see what happens....

http://www.idodogtricks.com/index_flash.html

[2dumb2kwit]

I thought you might get a kick out of this. You can give this little dog all kinds of commands such as sit, roll over, down, stand, sing, dance, shake, fetch, play dead, etc and he'll do it. Tell him to sneeze and see what happens....

http://www.idodogtricks.com/index_flash.html

Aaaaahahahaha...tell it to "help Ken", or "teach Ken", and see what you get! LOL

[Rick]

Smart little rascal ain't he?

[2dumb2kwit]

Smart little rascal ain't he?

Obviously smarter than me....I'm still trying to do those things.:blushing:

[2dumb2kwit]

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush's home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling.

But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ***?"


"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their president a horse's ***."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas

drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

[Old GI]

The Pharmacist's Monday
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him:

"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

"When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

"And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her." :sneaky2:




Then Sarge laughed and the fight was on. Oh, was that you?:innocent:

[Rick]

All of us like the "old ways". Let's see if you can match colonial occupations with their modern-day meanings:

1. colporteur............a. female writer
2. amanuensis..........b. innkeeper
3. chiffonier.............c.one who repairs shoes
4. mantuamaker........d. a minor or worthless author
5. boniface..............e. election judge
6. bluestocking.........f. wig maker
7. scribler.................g. peddler of books
8. scrivener..............h. secretary
9. scrutiner...............i. notary public
10. scobscat.............j. dressmaker or weaver

I'll give you a day or two to think it over and then post the answers.

In the meantime...here's a riddle for you.

A potato and a tomato cost 40 cents. A tomato and an onion cost 50 cents. An onion and a potato costs 60 cents. How much does each single vegetable cost?

Have fun!!!

[BENESSE]

In the meantime...here's a riddle for you.

A potato and a tomato cost 40 cents. A tomato and an onion cost 50 cents. An onion and a potato costs 60 cents. How much does each single vegetable cost?

Have fun!!!


Tomato: 15 cents
Potato: 25 cents
Onion: 35 cents

[RangerXanatos]

All of us like the "old ways". Let's see if you can match colonial occupations with their modern-day meanings:

1. colporteur............a. female writer
2. amanuensis..........b. innkeeper
3. chiffonier.............c.one who repairs shoes
4. mantuamaker........d. a minor or worthless author
5. boniface..............e. election judge
6. bluestocking.........f. wig maker
7. scribler.................g. peddler of books
8. scrivener..............h. secretary
9. scrutiner...............i. notary public
10. scobscat.............j. dressmaker or weaver

I'll give you a day or two to think it over and then post the answers.

In the meantime...here's a riddle for you.

A potato and a tomato cost 40 cents. A tomato and an onion cost 50 cents. An onion and a potato costs 60 cents. How much does each single vegetable cost?

Have fun!!!

Potato = 25 cents
Tomato = 15 cents
Onion = 35 cents.

[Rick]

Atta girl, Benesse!!

You got it, too, Ranger but Benesse gave you a "hint".

[klkak]

1. Colporteur……………………………peddler of religious books
2. Amanuensis…………………………secretary
3. Chiffonier…………………………….wig maker
4. Mantua maker………………………dress maker
5. Boniface……………………………...innkeeper
6. Bluestocking…………………………female writer
7. Scribbler……………………………...worthless author
8. Scrivener……………………………..notary
9. Scrutineer…………………………….election judge
10. Scobscat………………………………cobbler

[Rick]

Oooh. That Klkak is a good one he is. Right you are, lad!! You got 'em all correct. Nice job.

[Ken]

In the meantime...here's a riddle for you.

A potato and a tomato cost 40 cents. A tomato and an onion cost 50 cents. An onion and a potato costs 60 cents. How much does each single vegetable cost?

Have fun!!!

Trying to trick us, huh? :sneaky2: A tomato is a fruit, NOT a vegetable. A tomato is the ovary and seeds of a flowering plant, ergo, it is a fruit.

However, such facts have no validity in real life, do they?

Even our illustrious United States Supreme Court found it convenient to ignore science when it decided that a tomato was a vegetable - FOR TAX PURPOSES ONLY, of course. :innocent: Nix v. Hedden, 149 U.S. 304 (1893).

[2dumb2kwit]

Trying to trick us, huh? :sneaky2: A tomato is a fruit, NOT a vegetable. A tomato is the ovary and seeds of a flowering plant, ergo, it is a fruit.

However, such facts have no validity in real life, do they?

Even our illustrious United States Supreme Court found it convenient to ignore science when it decided that a tomato was a vegetable - FOR TAX PURPOSES ONLY, of course. :innocent: Nix v. Hedden, 149 U.S. 304 (1893).

Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.:innocent:

[Sarge47]

A BLOND VISITS THE FARM
A young blond lady from the city was driving her convertible through the country and passed a local farm. Seeing the farmer out feeding the animals she decided to stop and ask about them. "Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady? The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'because it's a horse." :sneaky2::innocent::online2long:

[Sarge47]

A teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine -- "la maison." "Pencil" ,
however, is masculine -- "le crayon."

French student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into
two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for
themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine
or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for their
recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely
be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. no one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. the native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory
for possible later retrieval; and
4. as soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(No chuckling guys... this gets better!!!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers
should be Masculine (le computer"), because:

1. in order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. they have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. they are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
time they ARE the problem; and
4.as (http://4.as/) soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had
waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won :innocent::sneaky2::online2long:

[Sarge47]

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a
few drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as
sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body
are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided
we get cable or that dish thing.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our
boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast
relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they
haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner
child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow
old because you stop laughing.

THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the
good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference. :innocent::sneaky2::online2long:

[Pal334]

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC , when he sees a
little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff
of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.




The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion
square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and
the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A
reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most
gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was
behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a
journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the
front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation
do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'



The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings
news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

[Pal334]

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.


The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.


The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know, Then the
sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.


Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.



"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts…



To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said, "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night.
"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.



No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at ' Pearl on a day in December,"
Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of ' Nam ',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.


I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.”
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.
“I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.


I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."



"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."



Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

[Rick]

A tree toad loved a she-toed
who lived up in a tree.

He was a two-toed tree toad,
but a three-toed toad was she.

The tow-toed tree toad tried to win
the three-toed she-toed's heart,

For the two-toed tree toad loved the
ground the three-toed tree toad trod.

The two-toed tree toad tried in
vain to sate her every whim.

From her tree toad bower
with her three-toed power,
the she-toed vetoed him.

[trax]

A little boy was walking to school one day when a passing car drove through a puddle and splashed mud and water all over him.

The little boy thought to himself "I should run home and change into clean, dry clothes, so that the kids won't all laugh at me at school. But, if I do, I'll be late."

Then he thought, "But if I go to school all muddy and wet like this, the other kids will laugh, and I'll probably get sent home anyway."

The little boy was very perplexed and couldn't decide what to do. So, while he was standing there thinking about it, I drove by again and splashed him a second time.

[Sarge47]

A tree toad loved a she-toed
who lived up in a tree.

He was a two-toed tree toad,
but a three-toed toad was she.

The tow-toed tree toad tried to win
the three-toed she-toed's heart,

For the two-toed tree toad loved the
ground the three-toed tree toad trod.

The two-toed tree toad tried in
vain to sate her every whim.

From her tree toad bower
with her three-toed power,
the she-toed vetoed him.Guess he should have "toed the line" huh? :innocent::sneaky2::cool2:

[crashdive123]

Yep. She nailed him.

[Rick]

He's just lucky he didn't croak.

[crashdive123]

Mujibar was trying to get a gob in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar sad, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow, this is Mugibar."

Mujibar now works at a call center. No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

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http://spktruth2power.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/microsoft-tech-support.jpg

[Rick]

Oh, man. That is so close to the truth it's scary. I am soooooo tired of calling a support number and have "Pete" answer the phone. Yesterday was a tad refreshing. I spoke with Anjur Baby. At least it was original.

[Pal334]

A USMC sniper was real good at his job, and he had a method. He would yell out some insult at the enemy and when someone stood up to reply, BANG - one less insurgent!

After every mission the company commander would ask "How many insurgents have you shot today?"

However, on this particular day when asked about the number killed, he reported "Five killed and I let one go, sir."

"Let one go?" roared the company commander. "What do you mean, you let one go?"

"Well, sir, I yelled out 'Osama is a H*mo!' Then this big insurgent stood up and yelled 'Hillary is a B***h!' I just couldn't shoot a fellow Republican

[Pal334]

The Chief's Parrot

The old Chief finally retired from the Navy and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his lifelong pet parrot.

First morning at 04:30, the parrot squawked and said, "Off yer hocks and don yer socks. Reveille"

The old chief told the parrot, "We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep."

The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. The old Chief told the parrot, "Look, if you keep this up, I will put you out in the chicken pen."

Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen. About 06:30, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter.

The parrot had about 40 white chickens in formation and on the ground lay 3 bruised and beaten brown ones. The parrot was saying, "By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean Khakis!

[mountain mama]

During a recent password audit at a local company, it was found that a
blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at
least 8 characters long.

[Pal334]

Here's your answer.


Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby…

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his a$$ again!'

[Rick]

Let me get this straight.

We're going to pass a health care plan written by a committee whose
head says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that hasn't
read it but exempts themselves from it, signed by a president that also
hasn't read it, and who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury
chief who didn't pay his taxes, overseen by a surgeon general who is
obese, and financed by a country that's bankrupt.

What possibly could go wrong?

[Camp10]

A man seeking to join a south Texas sheriffs dept. is being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications all look good,but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six liberal democrats and a rabbit." "Why the rabbit?" "That's the attitude we want," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[Pal334]

The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Old GI]

Let me get this straight.

We're going to pass a health care plan written by a committee whose
head says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that hasn't
read it but exempts themselves from it, signed by a president that also
hasn't read it, and who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury
chief who didn't pay his taxes, overseen by a surgeon general who is
obese, and financed by a country that's bankrupt.

What possibly could go wrong?

I thought this thread was for jokes?:innocent:

[Stargazer]

My wife asked me to start decorating the house for christmas.I dont think she is too happy with me.

[Rick]

Man...that is funny!

[Pal334]

No offense to our Southern brothers and sisters:

98% OF PEOPLE SAY 'OH S**T' BEFORE
GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM SOUTH CAROLINA AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.'

[2dumb2kwit]

No offense to our Southern brothers and sisters:

98% OF PEOPLE SAY 'OH S**T' BEFORE
GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM SOUTH CAROLINA AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.'

No self respecting southerner, needs anyone to hold their beer, while they drive. :innocent:

[Pal334]

No self respecting southerner, needs anyone to hold their beer, while they drive. :innocent:

My humble apologies,

[2dumb2kwit]

My humble apologies,

No need.........not all southerners are self respecting. LOL:blushing:

[mountain mama]

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

[BENESSE]

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

[2dumb2kwit]

HaHaHa....two good ones! How about this one?


Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'

[Pal334]

This should pretty much offend just about everyone

Security Alerts

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Poms have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the Poms issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

[BENESSE]

This should pretty much offend just about everyone
Security Alerts.


Priceless...and true!

[Capt]

What do Tiger Woods and a baby seal have in common?






They both have been clubbed by a Norweigian.

[Pal334]

> I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas
> Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in
> the private function room at the Grill House.
>
>
> There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band
> playing traditional carols...
> feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if
> our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
>
> A Christmas
> tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among
> employees can be done at that time; however, no
> gift should be over $10.00 to
> make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's
> pockets.
> This gathering is only for employees!
> Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
>
>
> Merry Christmas to you and your
> family,
> Patty
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------
>
> Company Memo
> ROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> TO: All Employees
> DATE: October 2, 2008
> RE: Gala Holiday Party
>
>
> In no way was
> yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
> employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an
> important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas,
> though unfortunately not this year.
> However, from now
> on, we’re calling it our "Holiday
> Party." The same policy applies to any other
> employees who are not Christians and to those still
> celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no
> Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
>
> We will have other types of
> music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
>
> Happy Holidays to
> you and your family,
> Patty
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Company Memo
>
> FROM: Patty
> Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
> TO: All Employees
>
> DATE: October 3, 2008
>
> RE: Holiday Party
>
>
> Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
> Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't
> sign your name..
> I'm
> happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a
> table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't
> be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
> this? Somebody?
>
>
>
> And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange,
> no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that
> $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00
> is a little chintzy.
>
> REMEMBER: NO GIFTS
> EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
>
> Patty
>
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------
>
> Company Memo
> FROM: Patty Lewis,
> Human Resources Director
> To: All Employees
> DATE: October 4, 2008
> RE: Generic Holiday Party
>
> What a diverse group we
> are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the
> Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and
> drinking during daylight hours.
>
> There goes the party! Seriously, we can
> appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not
> accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps
> the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the
> end of the party or else package everything for you to take
> it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
>
> Meanwhile, I've arranged for members
> of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet,
> and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
> restrooms.
>
>
> Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
> Gay men, each group will
> have their own table.
>
> Yes, there will be flower
> arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person
> asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that
> no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns
> about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
>
> We
> will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food
> will be available for those on a diet.
>
> I am sorry to report that we cannot
> control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill
> House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a
> bite first.
>
> There
> will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for
> diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no
> sugar" desserts. Sorry!
>
> Did I miss anything?!?!?
>
> Patty
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Company Memo
>
> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
> TO: All F*%^ing Employees
>
> DATE: October 5, 2008
>
> RE: The F*%^ing Holiday
> Party
>
> I've
> had it with you vegetarian pr**ks!!! We're going
> to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or
> not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from
> the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it,
> and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic
> tomatoes.
> But you know, tomatoes
> have feelings, too. They scream when you slice
> them. I've heard them scream. I'm
> hearing them scream right NOW!
>
> The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos
> can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
>
>
> Drive drunk and
> die,
>
> The B*tch from
> H*ll!!!
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Company Memo
>
> FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
>
> DATE: October 6, 2008
>
>
> RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
>
> I'm sure
> I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
> recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll
> continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.
>
> In the meantime,
> management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
> everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
>
> Happy Whatever!
> Joan
>

[2dumb2kwit]

I wonder if these are true.:innocent:



In English pubs, ale
is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind
your pints and quarts, and settle down.'

It's where we get
the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'



Many years ago in
England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or
handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill ,
they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle'
is the phrase inspired by this practice.

[2dumb2kwit]

Did you know, that it is impossible to lick your own elbow?:blushing:

[2dumb2kwit]

Did you know, that it is impossible to lick your own elbow?:blushing:
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/

/
/
/
/
/
/
Did you know that 75% of people who read that, try to lick their elbow???:innocent: LOL

[BENESSE]

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

( a widow)

[edr730]

Diary from Michigan ...
August 12--- Moved to our new home in Michigan. It is so Beautiful here. The forests are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see snow covering the trees!
October 14--- Michigan is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful forest and saw some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most wonderful animal on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here!
November 11--- Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. Love it here!
December 2--- We awoke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years. And I loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later, the snowplow came along and covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. He smiled and I waved back. I shoveled it again.
December 12--- More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick again to the driveway. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight and I won!
December 14 --- Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15 --- 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16 --- Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for an hour, Which I think was very cruel. Electricity was off for 14 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20 --- Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. I got all dressed up to go out and shovel that stuff again (boots, jump suit, jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves etc.), then I got the urge to pee! The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 25--- Merry stinking Christmas, more stinking snow. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the road to melt the frigging ice.
December 27--- More white stuff fell last night. Been inside for 3 days except for shoveling out the driveway after that snowplow goes through every time. Can’t go anywhere, car’s stuck in a mountain of white stuff! The weather man said to expect another 10 inches tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is? Darned snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
December 28--- The frigging weather man was wrong. We got 34 inches of the white stuff this time. At the rate it won’t melt before next summer. The snowplow got stuck up the road and that jerk came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken 6 shovels already shoveling all the stuff he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last shovel over his frigging head.
January 4--- Finally got out of the house today. We went to the store to get food and on the way back a darned deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. Did about $3,000.00 worth of damage to the car. Those beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed all of them last November!
May 3--- Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusting out from all the salt they put all over the road? Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
May 24--- Can you believe we're still getting more snow?!! It's springtime !! Where's that snow shovel?
April 4---Moved to Florida. I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in Michigan!

[Rick]

Telephone Rings.....

"Hello. Ken, Ken, Ken and Ken, Attorneys at Law."
"Yes. I'd like to speak with Ken, please."
"I'm sorry, he's in court today."
"Well, could I speak with Ken then?"
"He's with a client at the moment."
"Okay. How about Ken?"
"He's out of the office the rest of the day."
"Fine! Then can I speak to Ken?"
"Speaking."

[Ken]

There were 2 Ken's in my office........ :innocent:

[mcgyver]

I heard Tiger Woods is changing his name.

to....


Cheetah Woods

:whistling:

[Rick]

Tiger Woods has a new movie coming out. It's called, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

Nike is going to keep him as their spokesman but they will be changing their tag line to, Just Do Me.

The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I can't remember," Elin said, "just put me down for a 5."

Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.

If you Drink, don’t Drive. If you Drive, use a 3 Iron

Why did Tiger survive the accident? Elin didn’t take enough club.

Q: Whats the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?
A: Tiger has a better Driver.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing

[Pal334]

TALKING CLOCK

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. .

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You a***ole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'

[Pal334]

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for Cable News Network,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . you're NOT my flight instructor?'

[Pal334]

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left... When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell..

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked!!!

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.


Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10 th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods.



I love a happy ending, don't you?

[Rick]

That's pretty funny. Years ago we had a janitor that was a true PITA. We also had an electric heater in the reporting center, which happened to be in the basement of a toll center. I slipped an empty can of sardines into the heater just below the heater element. Took the janitor a while to find it. No one would go in the doghouse until the "cooker" was removed and the CO guys were really upset about the stench. Limburger cheese on an exhaust manifold is real similar....just sayin'

[Pal334]

Traffic Camera
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

[2dumb2kwit]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

' Excuse me, Your Holiness, 'says the driver,'
Would you please take your seat so we can leave? '

' Well, to tell you the truth, ' says the Pope, ' they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today. '

' I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen? ' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

' Who's going to tell? ' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)

' Please slow down, Your Holiness! ' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

' Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job! ' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

' I need to talk to the Chief, ' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 155 kph.

' So bust him, ' says the Chief.

' I don't think we want to do that, he's really important, ' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, ' All the more reason! '

' No, I mean really important, ' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked,' Who do you have there, the mayor? '
Cop: ' Bigger. '

Chief: ' A senator? '
Cop: ' Bigger. '

Chief: ' The Prime Minister? '
Cop: ' Bigger. '

' Well, ' said the Chief, ' who is it? '

Cop: ' I think it's God! '

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, ' What makes you think it's God? '

Cop: ' His chauffeur is the Pope! '

[2dumb2kwit]

Have you ever wondered what the difference between
> Grandmothers and Grandfathers is? Well here it is:
>
> A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made
> a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he
> would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some
> bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday
> however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all.
> Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their
> granddaughter out.
>
> When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs
> to see her Grandfather.
>
> 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'
>
>
> 'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We
> didn't see a single *** hole, dumb bastard, dip **** or horse's *** anywhere
> we went today!'
>
> Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[mountain mama]

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left... When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell..

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked!!!

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.


Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10 th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods.



I love a happy ending, don't you?

At my first wedding, my brother put an open can of sardines under the driver's seat of my car. I immediately pulled over and discarded the source of the awful smell. I should have noticed then that the can was half empty (not to be a pessimist). The other half was on my engine block. The smell lasted 6 weeks!

[2dumb2kwit]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When finished the devil informs him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free.

The devil replies, "Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

[Rick]

http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/job%20evaluation.jpeg

[Rick]

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_rOVSEI0eaOM/SUeTdfxhcOI/AAAAAAAABBw/CeGN3VmLcxY/santa+and+harry+cartoon.gif

[Rick]

This one's for Ken!!

http://www.funny-potato.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/merry-christmas.jpg

[Rick]

Economic times are pretty tough. This is how I fared this holiday season.

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me a Hallmark Card from the 50% off isle.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me one turtle dove and a promissory note for a turtle dove or similar aviary creature to be paid in full within three business days of receiving her tax refund check.

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me two Jews harps, a piece of paper and a comb.

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me four non-calling birds. Two were road kill, one was found dead in the park and one committed suicide by flying into a window.

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me five golden rings she had planned to mail in to goldkit.com.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me six geese stolen from the park while looking for the dead bird. She should have given me a shovel, too.

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me seven pink flamingos from Dollar General.

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me eight warnings about messing around with maids. Milking or otherwise.

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me nine similar warnings about dancers.

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me an evening to myself so she could go see ten of the Chippendale dancers. I was still thinking about the warnings I guess.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me eleven Pipers Piping. Eleven guys in skirts. Great! She would splurge and get this one right.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me twelve hours of Pay per View. Yes!!!

[oly]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfnBIUUBd1s

[2dumb2kwit]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfnBIUUBd1s

Good one.
I love the old school comedy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qqE_WmagjY

[Pal334]

Questions and Answers from AARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested
in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through
menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement . When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's a** all the way to Egypt ..."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem; retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

[Pal334]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, 'Jesus is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, Clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you.'

The burglar relaxed.. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed . 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

[Pal334]

A short fairy tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl
said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went
fishing and hunting, drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and
left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

[2dumb2kwit]

A short fairy tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl
said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went
fishing and hunting, drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and
left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

(Sniff, Sniff) I just love a happy ending!:innocent:

[BENESSE]

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The Hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the a$$hole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the a$$hole being the Boss. Promptly, the a$$hole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the a$$hole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the $hit!
Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any a$$hole will do.

[nell67]

(Sniff, Sniff) I just love a happy ending!:innocent:

That's disgusting you can't actually smell a fart just because someone typed the word,you sir,are SICK...

[Sarge47]

That's disgusting you can't actually smell a fart just because someone typed the word,you sir,are SICK......& single, if not before, then certainly after. :sneaky2:

[2dumb2kwit]

That's disgusting you can't actually smell a fart just because someone typed the word,you sir,are SICK...

I wasn't trying to smell the fart...I was emotional/crying because of the happy ending!

:innocent:

Sheeezzzz!:smash: LOL

[nell67]

I wasn't trying to smell the fart...I was emotional/crying because of the happy ending!

:innocent:

Sheeezzzz!:smash: LOL

Yea,yea,guys always give other guys a courtesy sniff when they fart,WHY?

[BENESSE]

Yea,yea,guys always give other guys a courtesy sniff when they fart,WHY?

Guys wouldn't know a fart if it came up and slapped them in the face.
Which it usually does.

[Sourdough]

OK, a funny true story about gas. Told to me by, Moose Moore (aka Moose'Meat Moore) back in the early 70's when Anchorage, AK. was going to high rise buildings. The story: A sweet little old'lady coming home from the grocery store, gets in the elevator alone, and passes gas. The elevator starts to stop, so she grabs a can of air freshener to cover the smell. Into the elevator steps a Old Alaskan Sourdough (not me, I was a newbie in 1970) he sniffs and sniffs. The sourdough Say's, "What's that smell"...? The Old'lady innocently asks, "What smell".......? Sourdough, "Well......it smells like a bear SH!T under a pine tree"........:)

[Pal334]

These are Memphis , TN 's REAL 911 Calls!


Dispatcher:9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller:I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher:Do you havean address?
Caller:No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher:9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Call er: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher:This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher:Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher:9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher:Is this her first child?
Caller: & nbsp; No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is.............
Dispatcher:9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher:Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: !Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher:What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

[Pal334]

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the pope-mobile when he heard a frantic commotion at the edge of the woods.

He found a helpless D****rat wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for O***a hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Re****can loggers wearing Go S**ah shirts came racing up.

One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious D****rat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.

Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their truck. The other tenderly placed the injured D****rat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned the men over to him.

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Re****can loggers and D****rat environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"

"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

[2dumb2kwit]

Priceless!!!:smash:

[Old GI]

These are Memphis , TN 's REAL 911 Calls!


Dispatcher:9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller:I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher:Do you havean address?
Caller:No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher:9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Call er: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher:This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher:Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher:9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher:Is this her first child?
Caller: & nbsp; No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is.............
Dispatcher:9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher:Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: !Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher:What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.



Oh yeah. I assure you, there millions of those spread throughout every 911 Call Center or PSAP in the country. Right before I left my EM job, we had a screaming lady call to report the wrong topping on the pizza that was just delivered. And a lot more. If it hasn't been done, I think a book of those would be a best seller or, better yet, a movie.

[Rick]

Yeah, I read one about a lady that called in from a Wendy's drive through because they were out of fries.

[trax]

There's a character in a Carl Hiassen novel "Sick Puppy" who's a hit man and buys tapes of 9-1-1 calls for his own amusement. Anyone wants a good laugh, read this book and the last 9-1-1 call is one of the funniest things I've ever read.

[Rick]

THINGS WE SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T

1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

3. The dot over the letter i is called a 'tittle'.

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. (that makes
my day!)

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

6. 40% of Mc Donald 's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily. (That just answered a lot of questions I had)

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small-sized dog..

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. (The Little Perv)

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.

16. Upper and lower-case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

17. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time, hence, multi-tasking was invented.

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, or silver!
22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (which confirms Coots theory)

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar. (good to know, although I’m not sure why)

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)

27. The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles At that time, the most known player on the market was
the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.. It's the same with apples.

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

32. "Guinness Book of Records" holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it. (I NEED TO REMEMBER THIS.)

34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart. " Boy, I feel
a lot safer now that she's behind bars.O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are
still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman
in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her off to jail

[2dumb2kwit]

Teacher Arrested at Airport

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President;
It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow----

[cowgirlup]

Oh that is great!!!! LOL!!!

[crashdive123]

It's a slow day in a little California Delta town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.....

On this particular day a rich tourist from back East is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local lady of the evening, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.

[Pal334]

The scary part is it seemed to make sense. I better get another cup of coffee

[Pal334]

The Aisle Seat

Two Terrorists boarded a flight out of London .
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off,
wiggled his toes and was settling in when the fellow in the window seat said,
“I need to get up and get a coke.”
“Don't get up,” said the Marine. “I'm in the aisle seat; I'll get it for you.”

As soon as he left, one of the fellows picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the other fellow said,
“That looks good, I'd really like one, too.”

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other fellow picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew immediately what had happened.
He leaned over and asked his neighbors,
“Why does it have to be this way?”

“How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations?
This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pi**ing in cokes?”

THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.

[Sarge47]

Hoo-Ahh! :sneaky2:

[Pal334]

1. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning." He said, "No, just taking a sh**."

2. When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way.. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.


3. I was walking down the road and saw my Afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"

[Themeek]

Late on cold winter night a state trooper finds a car slammed into a snow bank with it's engine still running. The trooper approaches the vehicle and see's and older gentleman asleep at the wheel with numerous empty or nearly emty alcohol containers. The Officer knock on the drivers window thus waking the driver.
The driver take one look out his window, sees the trooper, realizes he's in trouble, and hits the gas! Not realizing he is stuck in a snow bank.
The tropper, not missing a beat, begins running in place along side the car. As the spedometer climbs the driver looks at the trooper, checks his speed, looks at the trooper. He continues this until the speedometer registers 60mph, at which time the trooper, still running in place, again knocks on the window. This time he mouths to the driver "Pull over!"
The driver nods, turns his wheel, brakes, and turns off the car.

The drivers reactions after sobering up are still unkown.

[Themeek]

While out on safari a make wakes in the morning only to find himself surrounded by cannibals. Knowing he will die he simply states "God, I'm screwed"
To his amazement God replies "No. You are not screwed. Do you see that large rock there? Pick it up."
The man locates the rock nearby and does as God said. After he has the rock God says "Now the man holding the big spear is their chief. Use that rock and kill him"
Again the man does as God directs him. When he has killed the chief God speaks to the man once more he said...

"There. Now you're screwed!"

[Pal334]

A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price.
The sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good God! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

The funeral is on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin; donations in lieu of flowers to the National Association for Retarded Husbands (NARH).

[Themeek]

Couldn't prove it by me. I think I know some of the people who wrote these answers...
S.A.T. TEST QUESTIONS

The following questions and answers were actually collected from SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16-year-old students! (Don't laugh too hard----one of these kids may be the President someday.)

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

[2dumb2kwit]

The Female Genie

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle
on the sand and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,
"Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded," You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am?
I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the
woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women
in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.

"The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya
Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side.

His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health
insurance.

[Rick]

Is that true?

[2dumb2kwit]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.


In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'



She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'



The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'



She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'



The defense attorney nearly died.



The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

[Sarge47]

Sitting together on a train.
Sitting together on a train was Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks:
Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.

:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:

[Ted]

LOL!!!! Thanks Sarge!

p.s. Love your sig quote!

[hoosierarcher]

1) Two guys walked into a bar, the third guy ducked.

2) A clown walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this a joke?"

3) I went fishing with Salvidor Dali. He used a dotted line and caught every other fish.

[Rick]

A very rich man lost his dog. He was heart broken. So he had signs drawn up and posted them all over town. The signs read:

Lost dog.
Easily recognizable. Worlds shaggiest dog.
$10,000 reward.

A rather poor young man read one of the signs and was determined to collect the reward money. He searched high and low, ever street and alleyway. He searched the local pound. He found a lot of shaggy dogs but none that would even be close to the world's shaggiest.

So he went to the next town, then the next, and the next. Finally, in the fourth town he found what had to be the shaggiest dog in the world. The dog could not see because of all the hair. When he barked he could not hear it because of all the hair. When he tried to walk he would fall down because of all the hair. Most folks couldn't tell if he was coming or going because of all the hair.

"This dog just has to be the one," thought the young man. He'd never seen a dog that shaggy in all his life. He scooped the dog up because it could not walk and ran all the way back to the rich man's town.

Exhausted and out of breath we finally trudged up the few steps to the man's front door. He rang the door bell and waited. Finally the man opened the door and looked the young man and the dog over.

"Not that shaggy." And he closed the door.

[2dumb2kwit]

" DOCTORS & UNEMPLOYED " !!!

An Israeli doctor says,
"Medicine in my country is so advanced
that we can take a kidney out of one man,
put it in another, and have him looking for
work in six weeks."

A German doctor says,
"That is nothing; we can take a lung
out of one person, put it in another, and
have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says.
"In my country, medicine is so advanced
that we can take half a heart out of one
person, put it in another, and have them
both looking for work in two weeks."

An ILLINOIS doctor, says.
"You guys are way behind.
We recently took a man with
no brains out of ILLINOIS ,
put him in the White House
and within SIX MONTHS,
half the COUNTRY is looking for work."

[Sarge47]

Next of kin
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Speaker Pelosi. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied:


"Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin." :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:

[trax]

Nicely done Sarge.

[nell67]

When Reagan was President, we had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now that Obama is President, we have no Hope and no Cash...

[Durtyoleman]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.

'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Sharon.
She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare
hands.'

'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

'Stay away from Aunt Sharon when she's been drinking.'

[2dumb2kwit]

You Might Be a Yankee if...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY.

You have no problem pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

You don't even know what a Moon Pie is.

You've never had grain alcohol.

You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

You have no idea what a polecat is.

Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.

You see nothing wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

[Sarge47]

Smart Lawyers!


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ _____________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
______________________________ _____________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shi**ing me?
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________ ________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. http://www.timebomb2000.com/vb/images/smilies/whistle.gif http://www.timebomb2000.com/forums/tongue.gif

[Ted]

LMAO...stop...stop ....It hurts...ROFLMAO!!!!!...... Wheeooo!...I'll be o.k.!

[trax]

But Sarge's list reminded me of it. THis was a real headline in the Winnipeg Free Press a few years ago

HUMAN LEG FOUND FLOATING IN RED RIVER
Police suspect foul play

I mean..you think so? I'm guessing somebody just decided they had no further use for one of their legs, sawed it off, limped down to the river and chucked it in...I say we charge the bast#rd with littering!

[Sarge47]

But Sarge's list reminded me of it. THis was a real headline in the Winnipeg Free Press a few years ago

HUMAN LEG FOUND FLOATING IN RED RIVER
Police suspect foul play

I mean..you think so? I'm guessing somebody just decided they had no further use for one of their legs, sawed it off, limped down to the river and chucked it in...I say we charge the bast#rd with littering!Not only that, but "polluting a waterway" comes to mind also! :innocent: Got to hand it to the Winnipeg police, those guys are "on the ball." :sneaky2:

[trax]

Not only that, but "polluting a waterway" comes to mind also! :innocent: Got to hand it to the Winnipeg police, those guys are "on the ball." :sneaky2:
I don't know if you can still fine someone for polluting that particular waterway, I'm surprised the body parts didn't just skim right over the surface. When I'm in Winnipeg I often see people fishing along that river bank and I just shudder and think 'ewww' Don't want to know what they're pulling out of there.:dead:

[Ken]

I don't know if you can still fine someone for polluting that particular waterway, I'm surprised the body parts didn't just skim right over the surface. When I'm in Winnipeg I often see people fishing along that river bank and I just shudder and think 'ewww' Don't want to know what they're pulling out of there.:dead:

Back in the early 70's, I spent some time in Naugatuck, Connecticut. The major local employers were Uniroyal, which manufactured Keds sneakers and Naugahyde, and Peter-Paul (think Almond Joy and Mounds).

Well, the Naugatuck River, which ran right through the center of town, had to be the most polluted body of water in the world. It was heavily polluted with sulfuric acid and a host of other chemicals. I remember a couple of times when I watched flames burning on the surface of the water. :sneaky2:

[Rick]

I watched flames burning on the surface of the water.

We'd all like to have a nickel for every time we've seen that.

[Ken]

http://www.funnypromos.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/xdress.jpg

[Themeek]

1. I'm sorry Ma'am, but with the unlicensed gun in your purse plus the DWI, you ARE a real criminal.

2. Hey John, get out of the cruiser and come over here to say "Thank You." We stopped the guy who pays OUR salary!

3. Yeah, I do have bank robbers to catch, but that might be dangerous, so I'm going to play it safe and write you this ticket.

4. Hurry it up? Sure, I'll just go back to the cruiser and write the citation. Do you have food and water in the car? This shouldn't take more than six hours.

5. Do you know why I stopped you, or do you THINK like you Drive?

6. What do you mean I won't believe you? Just because you've got three kilos of smack and two bodies in the trunk doesn't mean there isn't a perfectly reasonable explanation.

7. No, you've got that WRONG. I'm even TOUGHER without the badge and gun.

8. Of course you didn't DO it. You just happened to start your wind sprints in front of the department store, the VCR is extra weight, and the security guards were providing MOTIVATION.

9. She STARTED it? That's the best you can do? My four-year-old does better than that when I ask why his sister is crying.

10. HAVE A NICE DAY.

[BENESSE]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.
After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give you $500 to drop that towel you've got on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $500 and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $500 he owes me?"

[2dumb2kwit]

Due to the current financial situation caused by theslowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducingunemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program(Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much ****(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of**** they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you donot receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the**** you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current marketconditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

[2dumb2kwit]

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying 'Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!' He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him. "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

"I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."

"Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.

The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.

"Why did you do that?"

"Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway.

Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.

"Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

[Sarge47]

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian Army General.


































http://by113w.bay113.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.54.168.249/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3d76411996-ca5a-41db-94ba-ff12761f8227.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26nam e%3daW1hZ2UwMDEuanBn%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empt y%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253a1.3014384487%2540web1 10508.mail.gq1.yahoo.com%26msgHash%3dfffffffffffff fff&oneredir=1&ip=10.1.106.211&d=d1506&mf=32&a=01_f3e80dbeda569d8d2651a5e94b32705844e8aef495943 a139b6a507ef0d46b18










General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.








Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.








Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.







-------------------------------







In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters...









FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:!
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over.

Ya gotta love those Aussies! it's where we got the term, "Numpty," here on WSF! :sneaky2:

[2dumb2kwit]

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they
come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see
the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down
and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission
here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick
it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and
throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and
they hear a rustling in the brush behind them..
As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the
brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jumped in head
first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in
the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old
farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers
didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just
standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the
bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst
into this hole here!"
The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to
a transmission!"

[Sarge47]

ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW.....

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift
and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of
tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know.. :)

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach water is the toilet?

ARGGGGHHH!!! :drool:

[Pal334]

Words of Wisdom from Little Larry

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'




Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'


The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "


Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...'

[2dumb2kwit]

This one kinda reminded me of some of the things I pulled, back when I drove trucks, for a living. LOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlvqT-kq5zU&feature=related

[hunter63]

Love story:

Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

[Winnie]

Love story II
Once upon a time a guy asked a girl “will you marry me?! She said “no!” And the girl lived happily ever after, keeping her sleek figure, driving the car of her choice, having great holidays without some dumb A** constantly drinking beer, farting whenever he wanted and expecting her to clear-up after him.
The end.

[2dumb2kwit]

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

[2dumb2kwit]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

[Pal334]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

I am scrambling to see where I put my kevlar helmet, the fall out from that one will splash all the way up here in NJ !!!!!!!!:smash::smash::smash::smash:

[nell67]

How do you stop a man breaking into your house? Replace all the locks with bra fasteners

[Ted]

How do you stop a man breaking into your house? Replace all the locks with bra fasteners

Not to brag mind you ,but I can undo 4 hooks faster than kickin' in a door!

[Pal334]

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Three

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these people? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The priest said, "Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George, what's the matter with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist friend and see if there is anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Four

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Five

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Six

Normal people believe that if it isn't broken, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it isn't broken, it doesn't have enough features yet.

-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Seven

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" Replied the architect and artist.
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Eight

One day, an engineer was crossing a road when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look. I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[Swamprat1958]

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said ' 2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn't call 911. 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!




THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'



(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)





' My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

[hunter63]

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
> > >
> > > The following is an actual question given on a
> > > University of Washington chemistry mid term.
> > >
> > > The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the
> > > professor shared it with colleagues, via the
> > > Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
> > > pleasure of enjoying it as well :
> > >
> > >
> > > Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)
> > > or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
> > >
> > > Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
> > > using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and
> > > heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
> > > One student, however, wrote the following:
> > >
> > > First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
> > > changing in time. So we need to know the rate at
> > > which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
> > > which they are leaving. I think that we can safely
> > > assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not
> > > leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. A s for how
> > > many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
> > > different religions that exist in the world today.
> > >
> > > Most of these religions state that if you are not a
> > > member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since
> > > there is more than one of these religions and since
> > > people do not belong to more than one religion, we
> > > can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth
> > > and death rates as they are, we can expect the
> > > number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
> > > Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
> > > Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for
> > > the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the
> > > same, the volume of Hell has to expand
> > > proportionately as souls are added. < /P>
> > >
> > > This gives two possibilities:
> > >
> > > 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the
> > > rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature
> > > and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
> > > breaks loose.
> > >
> > > 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
> > > increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and
> > > pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
> > >
> > > So which is it?
> > >
> > > If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa
> > > during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day
> > > in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into
> > > account the fact that I slept with her last night,
> > > then number two must be true, and thus I am sure
> > > that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
> > > The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has
> > > frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
> > > more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving
> > > only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
> > > divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa
> > > kept shouting
> > > 'Oh my God.'
> > >
> > > THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[hunter63]

Beautiful story of bagpiper late for a funeral.

This is such a beautiful story of a bagpiper who was late for a funeral.
As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral
was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but
this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, Sweet Jeezuz, Mary 'n Joseph, I have never
seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years

[Rick]

Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the chickens had three legs.

The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!"

The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred 'em that way because I love drumsticks."

Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?"

The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven't been able to catch one yet."

[Sarge47]

Thought this might tickle your funnybone!

http://by113w.bay113.mail.live.com/att/GetAttachment.aspx?tnail=0&messageId=626d7e15-1729-11df-9985-00215ad7f63c&Aux=4%7C0%7C8CC794D4C7B0290%7C%7C



HOO-AHH! :sneaky2:

[hunter63]

What ??????/

[Ken]

Thought this might tickle your funnybone!

http://by113w.bay113.mail.live.com/att/GetAttachment.aspx?tnail=0&messageId=626d7e15-1729-11df-9985-00215ad7f63c&Aux=4%7C0%7C8CC794D4C7B0290%7C%7C

HOO-AHH! :sneaky2:

Sarge? You asked me to read your post. You said that I might find the picture funny. But all I see is a little red "X" in a white box....... :sneaky2:

[Sarge47]

"ALL PUNS INTENDED!"
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."


3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.


4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.


5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."


6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"


7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."


8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning.."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.


9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.


10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't
find any.


12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident..
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"


13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.


14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says, "Dam!"


16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.


17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."


18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
a family in Egypt , and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that
she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that
there was a small medium at large.


21. And finally, there was the person who sent 20 different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least 10 of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in 10 did. :innocent: :sneaky2: :cool2:

[Sarge47]

Union Rules & Hookers----


A dedicated Teamsters
Union worker was attending a convention in
Las Vegas and decided to checkOut the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam,
"Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered


Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man
stomped off down the street
In search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized
shop. His search continued
Until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam
responded, "Why
Yes sir, this is a union house.

We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut
do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room,
and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then
she gesturedTo a 92-year old woman in the corner,

"but Ethel here has 67 years
Seniority and according to union rules, she's next." :innocent: :sneaky2: :cool2:

[Pal334]

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'
FORGET THE SHRINKS...
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

[oly]

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

[hunter63]

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

LOL, cough, choke, read this to DW, and she stuck out her tongue out at me, good this I didn't read her that yesterday......................

[Rick]

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding...

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a fourth time with the same result.

He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace...

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

You can't fix stupid.

[Sarge47]

And then there was the story about the guy who got caught on camera speeding. He received the citation in the mail along with the photo of him behind the wheel, along with the notification that he now owed a $100 fine. So this "rocket scientist" sends back a photo of a hundred dollar bill. They send back a photo of a pair of handcuffs. He sent them a check for $100 by return mail! :sneaky2:

Like Rick says: "you can't fix stupid." :sneaky2:

[oly]

LOL, cough, choke, read this to DW, and she stuck out her tongue out at me, good this I didn't read her that yesterday......................

LOL. I think I will read it to my wife now.

Edit. It looked something like this:sneaky2:

[2dumb2kwit]

Love Thy Husband
>
> A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his
> checkup, he doctor called the wife into his office alone.
>
> He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease,
> combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband
> will surely die."
>
> "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure
> he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to
> work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him."
>
> "Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't
> discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to
> relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty
> of backrubs."
>
> "Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on
> television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times
> a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months
> to a year, I think your husband will regain his health."
>
> On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor
> say?"
>
> "You're going to die," she replied.

[Winnie]

I picked up my new Toyota Prius today. Chat later, can't stop.........

[crashdive123]

Speaking of Toyota - if the brakes don't work and the accelerator sticks......how come they didn't win the Daytona 500?

[Pal334]

> As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember
>
> 1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
> An impressive new book. It's called .........
> 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'
>
>
> 2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
> And be Mary.
>
>
> 3. The difference between the Pope and
> Your boss, the Pope only expects you
> To kiss his ring.
>
> 4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant
> Flash and it is gone.
>
>
> 5. The only time the world beats a path to
> Your door is if you're in the bathroom.
>
> 6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
> The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
> That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
>
>
> 7. It used to be only death and taxes
> Now, of course, there's
> shipping and handling, too.
>
>
>
> 8... A husband is someone who, after taking
> the trash out, gives the impression that
> he just cleaned the whole house.
>
>
> 9 My next house will have no kitchen - just
> Vending machines and a large trash can.
>
> 10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my
> Mechanic might try to rip me off.
> I was relieved when he told me all
> I needed was turn signal fluid.'
>
>
> 11. Definition of a teenager?
> God's punishment...for enjoying sex.
>
> 12. As you slide down the banister of life, may
> The splinters never point the wrong way.

[crashdive123]

Think you're having a bad day?

[Sarge47]

Think you're having a bad day?
Here's another one....(Note: This is NOT a DISCUSSION of politics, but just a reporting of facts!:innocent:)

http://gatewaypundit.firstthings.com/2010/02/arrogant-obama-mocked-at-new-orleans-mardis-gras-parade/

heh-heh. :sneaky2:

[hunter63]

Ole's Mule

>
>>
>> Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking
>> company's lawyer was questioning Ole.
>>
>>
>>
>> 'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, ?'
>> asked the lawyer.
>>
>>
>>
>> Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded
>> my favorite mule, Bessie, into da.....'
>>
>>
>>
>> 'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer
>> the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
>> fine'?
>>
>>
>>
>> Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas
>> driving down da road... .
>>
>>
>>
>> The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to
>> establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
>> the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
>> weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he
>> is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
>>
>>
>>
>> By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and
>> said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
>> favorite mule, Bessie'.
>>
>>
>>
>> Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had
>> yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving
>> her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop
>> sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one
>> ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and
>> didn't vant to move. However, I could hear
>>
>> Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by
>> her groans'. 'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he
>> came to da scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he
>> vent over to her'...
>>
>>
>>
>> 'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his
>> gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.
>>
>>
>>
>> Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked
>> at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'
>>
>>
>>
>> 'Now vat da hell vould YOU say?
>>

[Justin Case]

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."

"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were." Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

( I hope I did not break any rules ?)

[Sarge47]

Lemon Pickers Wanted !!

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this:
"Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!


"I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Obama.

:innocent: :sneaky2: :cool2:

[Justin Case]

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

[Pal334]

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies.
"You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America , and the other to Australia .. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers.
The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

[Justin Case]

Redneck Medical Terms
Benign - What you be, after you be eight.
Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when patients die
Cesarean section - a neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - a sheep dog
coma- a punctuation mark
D & C - Where Washington is
Dilate - to live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - quicker than someone else
Fibula - a small lie
Genital - a non-Jewish person
GI series - world series of military baseball
Hangnail - what you hang your coat on
Impotent - distinguished, well-known
Labor pain - getting hurt at work
medical staff - a doctor's cane
Morbid - a higher offer
Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - a person who has fainted
Pap Smear - A fatherhood test
Pelvis - second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - a letter carrier
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rectum - darn near killed him
Secretion - hiding something
Seizure - a Roman emperor
Tablet - a small table
Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport
Tumor - one plus one more
Urine - opposite of you're out
Varicose - nearby / close by

[Justin Case]

http://img.ffffound.com/static-data/assets/6/e4911ee39b3f5228c10ccfd39344b76eda9cfb0c_m.jpg

[2dumb2kwit]

I can't remember if this has been posted, or not.
Oh, well.....here it is, anyway.


An old farmer from back in the woods orders himself a mail order bride. After going to town to pick her up and stand in front of the judge for the ceremony, he tells her that his horse has come up lame on the way to town so he needs to go to the livery to buy a new one.

After hitching the new horse to the wagon they are on thier way to the farm when the horse just stops. No amount of coaxing will get the horse going, so the ole farmer takes out a bullwhip and says "Thats one horse" as the whip cracks on the horses haunches.

A few miles down the road the horse stops again. Again the horse can't be made to move until the whip comes out. "Thats two horse" yells the farmer as the whip cracks.

Another mile down the road and the horse stops again. Nothing will make the horse take another step. The farmer climbs down off the wagon and proceeds to unhitch the horse. He then retrieves his rifle from the wagon and takes aim. "That's three horse" he says right before pulling the trigger. He turns to his new bride and tells her "The farm house is only another four miles, we'll just have to walk from here, I'll come back with another horse for the wagon, later."

His bride goes ballistic, berating him. He eventually gets her hushed up then looks at her and says "Thats one woman."

[Sarge47]

The Prospector's Dance

Have You Ever Danced?

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas
leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only
saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the
saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there,
brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young
gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a
bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed,
saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at
the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted
to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,
"Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at
the old man's feet. The old prospect or, not wanting to get a toe
blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger,
still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into
the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a
double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks
carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger
heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence
was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at
the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's
hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's a$$?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and s aid, "No sir..... but...
I've always wanted to."




There are a few lessons for us all here:




Never be arrogant.

Don't waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

Heh-heh! :sneaky2:

[Sarge47]

Obama administration recognizes George W. Bush.

Obama administration recognizes George W. Bush. We've just heard that
the Obama Administration will be honoring the 43rd President of the
United States by naming the gap between the tectonic plates beneath
Haiti after him.The area will now officially be referred to as "Bush's
Fault."

:sneaky2: :innocent: :clap: :clap: :clap:

[Justin Case]

Obama administration recognizes George W. Bush.

Obama administration recognizes George W. Bush. We've just heard that
the Obama Administration will be honoring the 43rd President of the
United States by naming the gap between the tectonic plates beneath
Haiti after him.The area will now officially be referred to as "Bush's
Fault."

:sneaky2: :innocent: :clap: :clap: :clap:

**** was certainly a disaster ,

[Pal334]

IF YOU EVER FEEL A LITTLE BIT STUPID, JUST DIG THIS UP AND READ IT AGAIN; YOU'LL BEGIN TO THINK YOU'RE A GENIUS.


(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry.. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark MY PERSONAL FAVORITE!
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.." --Al Gore, Vice President
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix " -- Dan Quayle
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
Feeling smarter yet?
Send it on to?
your brilliant friends.

I just did !!

[Justin Case]

The Service

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.

It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

"What is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

[hunter63]

This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should
have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline,
which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the Customer Care Department.
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently
suing The WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: “Ridge Hall, computer assistance. May I help you?”
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.”
Operator: “What sort of trouble?”
Caller: “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
Operator: “Went away?”
Caller: “They disappeared”
Operator: “Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
Caller: “Nothing.”
Operator: “Nothing??”
Caller: “It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.”
Operator: “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
Caller: “How do I tell?”
Operator: “Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?”
Caller: ”What's a sea-prompt?”
Operator: “Never mind. Can you move your cursor around the screen?”
Caller: “There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type.”
Operator: “Does your monitor have a power indicator??”
Caller: “What's a monitor?”
Operator: “It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on”'
Caller: “I don't know.”
Operator: “Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??”
Caller: “Yes, I think so.”
Operator: “Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.”
Caller: “Yes, it is.”
Operator: “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? “
Caller: “No.”
Operator: “Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
Caller: “Okay, here it is”
Operator: “Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
Caller: “I can't reach it.”
Operator: “OK. Well, can you see if it is plugged in firmly?”
Caller: “No.”
Operator: “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
Caller: “Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.”
Operator: “Dark?”
Caller: “Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
Operator: “Well, turn on the office light then.”
Caller: “I can't.”
Operator: “No? Why not?”
Caller: “Because there's a power failure.”
Operator: “A power ... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?”
Caller: “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
Operator: “Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store that you bought it from.”
Caller: “Really? Is it that bad?”
Operator: “Yes, I'm afraid it is.”
Caller: “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
Operator: “Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!”

[2dumb2kwit]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

[Justin Case]

The Hillbilly Spelling Test

M R ducks
M R not
O S A R
C M wangs?
L I B! M R ducks

M R snakes
M R not
O S A R
C M B D eyes?
L I B! M R snakes

M R mice
M R not
O S A R
C M E D B D feet?
L I B! M R mice

M R farmers
M R not
O S A R
C M M T pockets
L I B! M R farmers

M R puppies
M R not
O S A R
C M P N
L I B! M R puppies
Translation of the Hillbilly Spelling Test

Them are ducks
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them wings?
Well I'll be! Them are ducks

Them are snakes
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them beady eyes?
Well I'll be! Them are snakes

Them are mice
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them itty bitty feet?
Well I'll be! Them are mice

Them are farmers
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them empty pockets?
Well I'll be! Them are farmers

Them are puppies
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them peeing?
Well I'll be! Them are puppies

[hunter63]

The Lone Ranger



The Lone Ranger and Tonto go camping in the desert. After they get their tent all set up, both men fall sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky. What you see? '

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'


'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute and then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'



'You dumber than buffalo ****. It means someone stole the tent.'

[Justin Case]

LOL GOOD ONE :clap::clap::clap:

[oly]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUosUk6X9gE

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess....
'Will you marry me?'

The Princess said, ‘NO!!!'



And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

[oly]

found this.
Girls just dont understand

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My Daughter stuck these little jell filled flower thingies to the inside of my
toilet bowl
after 3 days I went and told her that
I won
I got em all down
she said what!!!
I said I been aiming at em ever since she put em in there and she said
they were to freshen the toilet bowl and they were not for aiming at
so she put more in
and I got em down in 3 more days
then she got mad
I tried to tell her that you cant put something in a man's bowl and not expect him to aim at em
Girls just dont understand

[hunter63]

found this.
Girls just dont understand

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My Daughter stuck these little jell filled flower thingies to the inside of my
toilet bowl
after 3 days I went and told her that
I won
I got em all down
she said what!!!
I said I been aiming at em ever since she put em in there and she said
they were to freshen the toilet bowl and they were not for aiming at
so she put more in
and I got em down in 3 more days
then she got mad
I tried to tell her that you cant put something in a man's bowl and not expect him to aim at em
Girls just dont understand

Chect it out:
http://www.toiletmarksman.com/toilet_fly.php

[2dumb2kwit]

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy" said Mr. Wallace.

"My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy I can't," replied Mr. Wallace.

"I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

"Yes," said Nurse Tracy, "you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

"Well," he replied, "Today is the viewing."

[2dumb2kwit]

The Bus Ride

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Deckerbus for a weekend
trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and
the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
having a great time, when one of them realized she
hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the
Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,
clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
and whispered...
'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!'

[Justin Case]

:clap::clap::clap::clap::clap:

[Rick]

My name is Goober Snicklelips.

From the book, "Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name:

a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dinky
z = zippy

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = dippin
b = feather
c = batty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = potty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdle

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice

So, for example, Barack Obama's new name would be Dorfus Featherbutt and George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny. That pretty much sums it up doesn't it?

[Justin Case]

Justin Case,


"Snooty DippinFanny" :blushing:

[Stargazer]

I am now to be know as Snooty ChickenSniffer the :ladysman:

[Stargazer]

You quote me then get a jab into 2d.Smooth:cool2:

[hunter63]

Fracas Pottybrains.....Hey!......That's pretty accurate!
DW, Mrs Snickel Pottybrains
That was fun. like it.

[crashdive123]

Hi - I'm Sneezy Battyshorts. I'd like to introduce you to my wife, Dipsy Battyshorts.

[Justin Case]

Some Really Funny pics, http://www.tvally.com/showthread.php?t=11806

[Rick]

Thought for the day:

Women are Angels
And when someone breaks their wings,
They simply continue to fly
.........on a broomstick.
They are flexible like that.

[Justin Case]

ooohhhh SNAP !

[BENESSE]

Men are like outhouse's...
always taken or full of $hit.

[nell67]

My new name is...... Boobie Pottytush.....:blushing::blushing::blushing:

[Rick]

LOL on the last two posts. !!!!!

Or both, Benesse.

[BENESSE]

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you.
While reading these keep in mind that these are first
graders... "6" year-olds, because the last one is classic!

Better to be safe than.......................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the..............................bug is close.
It's always darkest before...................Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of...........termites.
You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
Don't bite the hand that.....................looks dirty.
No news is.....................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a........................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll.............stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.................................me.
The pen is mightier than the.................pigs.
An idle mind is................................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.
Happy the bride who..........................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is...............................not much.
Two's company, three's.......................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what.............you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as....................Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not..............spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed.................get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you......see in the picture on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind.............get out of the way.

And the favorite:

Better late than...............................pregnant!!!!

[2dumb2kwit]

Now I might just use this one! LOL:clap:


Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose.

[huntermj]

Another Dumb Blond Joke
submitted by a reader

- The Ventriloquist


A young ventriloquist touring the clubs is doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, the goes through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 2nd row stands on her chair and shouts: "I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a persona because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes but women in general .. and all in the name of humor".
Quite taken aback, the embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde yells again, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little ******** on your knee!!!"

[huntermj]

"That's Strange"
A man named William Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone: "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative.
He suggested the following; "Here Lies a Man who was BOTH honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:

"That's Strange!!"

[Justin Case]

Another Dumb Blond Joke
submitted by a reader

- The Ventriloquist


A young ventriloquist touring the clubs is doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, the goes through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 2nd row stands on her chair and shouts: "I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a persona because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes but women in general .. and all in the name of humor".
Quite taken aback, the embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde yells again, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little ********* on your knee!!!"



LOLOL Good One !! :clap::clap:

[hunter63]

A Frog Walks Into A Bank


He approaches the teller. He can see from her nametag that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. He says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[crashdive123]

Ya know - I saw it coming - but kept reading anyway.

[Ken]

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?

"Sure is Bubba. But why are you asking?

"Cause what I wana know is, I was thinkin', "can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with ?"

[crashdive123]

Well?????????:innocent::innocent::innocent:

[Julie362]

Oh God, that lizard story is fantastic! I have a gecko of my own, but it is female. You can often tell the sex of a lizard of any type by the presence or absence of the hemipenal "buldge". Small or no buldge = female, large buldge = male. It's at the base of the tail. Some snakes give live birth, but no lizards do that I know of! Great names as well!

[Pal334]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks.


'Yep,' the Lab replies.



After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh**.

[Rick]

How Dinosaurs Became Extinct...

[rebel]

A man was in a horrible accident and it involved his "man-ness" (?).

The reconstruction Doc said that reconstruction surgery would be about one thousand dollars an inch and that the man should confer with his wife on what would be appropriate.

After some time had elapsed the Doc called the patient to see what they had decided.

The man said: "we're going with the granite counter-tops"!

[2dumb2kwit]

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain
to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff
wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced,
"I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled
down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.


"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another
round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert
the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT
until I get back!"


She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people
walking past his door, laughing..... After about 20 minutes, the man's Doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen
someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."

[Justin Case]

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain
to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff
wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced,
"I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled
down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.


"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another
round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert
the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT
until I get back!"


She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people
walking past his door, laughing..... After about 20 minutes, the man's Doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen
someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."

Ha ha ha,, LOL LOL GOOD ONE !!

[2dumb2kwit]

Ha ha ha,, LOL LOL GOOD ONE !!

LOL...were you here, when Ken was in the hospital with dingleberryitus???

[Rick]

http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/mpc/lowres/mpcn187l.jpg

[Justin Case]

LOL...were you here, when Ken was in the hospital with dingleberryitus???

LOL,, No,, Now its even funnier !

[Sarge47]

Two Irish Women in a Bar:

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a
While, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help
But think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in
Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what
Street did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in
The west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central
Part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world.
So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy
Heart of Mary, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so
Did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I
Graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be
Smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at
Winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe
It? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and
Orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his
Head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.' :innocent:

[Justin Case]

ROFLMBO !!!! Good one !