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I'll get back to you. I'm placing the post under different types of light at the moment to see if I can determine what the original post beneath the ummmm is. If that doesn't work, I'll try Crazy Glue.
Your Minister of Science at work...........
2dumb2kwit
07-29-2009, 04:14 PM
REDNECK,...... I was gonna say Redneck!
Yeah, that's it!!!:innocent:
REDNECK,...... I was gonna say Redneck!
Yeah, that's it!!!:innocent:
First TREASON and now PERJURY. :sneaky2:
2dumb2kwit
07-29-2009, 04:29 PM
First TREASON and now PERJURY. :sneaky2:
Innocent, until proven guilty!:innocent:
(And I know a good lawyer!)
Well....you know a lawyer....
2dumb2kwit
07-29-2009, 04:40 PM
Well....you know a lawyer....
YEAH! And I don't think he ever sleeps! And he'll soon be working to protect my interest!
Ken, this is on the way, to you.
Whoa! QC has a tough job! Good luck with that one.
2dumb2kwit
07-29-2009, 04:52 PM
Whoa! QC has a tough job! Good luck with that one.
Ain't that what you send to a lawyer, to get him to help you??? LOL:innocent:
Ain't that what you send to a lawyer, to get him to help you??? LOL:innocent:
No. This is what you send: http://i258.photobucket.com/albums/hh271/billyp_2008/OneMillionDollars.jpg
If you hear a loud noise in the sky, it isn't thunder, it's Elvis beating the sh!t out of Michael Jackson for marrying his daughter.
welderguy
07-29-2009, 10:22 PM
All I could do was LAUGH.
Sarge47
07-29-2009, 11:04 PM
All I could do was LAUGH.The winner of this week's "Numpty of the Week!" Yes Mr. Grocer, please make me some ground beef so no animals will be harmed! Yes, myparents did have asome kids who lived, my sister. :sneaky2::innocent::online2long:
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
crashdive123
07-30-2009, 07:54 PM
Nice.........
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWBUl7oT9sA
Pal334
07-30-2009, 08:03 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWBUl7oT9sA
I will use that line next time I deal with the pain in the a** bean counters. They are such tight a**es it may make them faint :)
2dumb2kwit
07-31-2009, 03:27 PM
This is credited to an episode of Cheers in which Cliff explains to Norm the 'Buffalo Theory':
"Well you see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive drinking of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Pal334
07-31-2009, 04:26 PM
This is credited to an episode of Cheers in which Cliff explains to Norm the 'Buffalo Theory':
"Well you see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive drinking of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Well,, thank you, that explains some of my brilliant decisions in my misspent youth :)
crashdive123
07-31-2009, 05:17 PM
Yep - explains a lot.
I must have had some reeeeeeaaaaaallly slow brain cells 'cause I'm sure I have plenty of slow ones left.
crashdive123
07-31-2009, 08:02 PM
You need to drink more.
Sarge47
07-31-2009, 10:24 PM
I must have had some reeeeeeaaaaaallly slow brain cells 'cause I'm sure I have plenty of slow ones left.Actually you have to have some brain cells in the 1st place before you go measuring their rate of speed! :innocent::sneaky2::cool2:
2dumb2kwit
08-01-2009, 01:55 PM
This is a real "Oh Crap" moment!
His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the Door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.'
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, `Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is . . . You're NOT my Flight Instructor?
That would be bad. But THIS is an "Oh, crap!" moment. It makes me sad just looking at it.
http://www.funnychill.com/files/extreme-pictures/beer-accident.jpg
"Hello, boss? You remember when you told me to make certain the trailer door was locked? Weeeeeeell......"
2dumb2kwit
08-02-2009, 01:04 PM
Not actually a joke, but I laughed until I cried! Now that was comedy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qqE_WmagjY
Not actually a joke, but I laughed until I cried! Now that was comedy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qqE_WmagjY
2dumb? Did you hear what that lady called you? :innocent:
2dumb2kwit
08-02-2009, 01:23 PM
2dumb? Did you hear what that lady called you? :innocent:
Hey, watch it!!! I'm not little!:smash:
RunsWithDeer
08-03-2009, 09:35 PM
Subject: A lawyer with a kind heart?
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate..
He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'
'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a
wife and SIX children with me!'
'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
'Sir, you are too kind.' 'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place."
'The grass is almost a foot high.'
rebel_chick
08-03-2009, 09:48 PM
haha that is awesome! Was not expecting that...
Pal334
08-04-2009, 01:20 PM
Activity to pass the time....
The School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see
if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over
50 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is fifty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down
and I betcha' you cannot resist passing it on . .
Boating Related Death
Not for the squeamish!
SECONDS before Death (CHILLING).
WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING PHOTO.
THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH JUST SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE
(CHILLING!)
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http://sn101w.snt101.mail.live.com/att/GetAttachment.aspx?tnail=0&messageId=ce21bb0a-5210-40a4-b951-5c019c1ceb20&Aux=4|0|8CBE0FA96C07DD0|
Pal334
08-05-2009, 10:03 AM
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going o n five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony .. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60 You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, =C 2REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'
2. Keep only cheerful friends. < /span>The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The t ears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10.Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,but by the moments that take our breath away.
Pal334
08-05-2009, 12:01 PM
I have edited this a bit, to be PC, but it still pus the point across
I Am the Liberal-Progressives Worst Nightmare.
I am an American.
I in God.
I ride Harley Davidson Motorcycles and believe in American products.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some Liberal governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!
I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.
I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized,and does not entitle you to anything. Get over it!
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, do it in English.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.
My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and Willie G. Davidson that makes the Awesome Harley Davidson Motorcycles.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake, and I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it.
I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut up already.
I believe if you don't like the way things are here,go back to where you came from and change your own country!
This is AMERICA ...We like it the way it is!
If you were born here and don't like it you are free to move to any Socialist country that will have you.
I also think the cops have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license.
I think it's good.... And I'm proud that 'God' is written on my money.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in this country for the next four years.
I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause. Get a Job and do your part!
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
I believe 'illegal' is illegal no matter what the lawyers think.
If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.
2dumb2kwit
08-05-2009, 04:07 PM
I found a video, of Rick and Crash, working their side job.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y1ehMrK3itM
I didn't know Rick could sing......and who would've figured crash could move like that???:innocent:
crashdive123
08-05-2009, 05:41 PM
We practice a lot.
REJECTED CHILDRENS BOOK TITLES
Juggling Knives is Easy
Where To Find The Toys In The Oven
Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things
101 Games to Play in the Road
Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub,a Blowdryer,and a Fork
POP, Goes The Hamster and Other Fun Microwave Games
Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi
Monsters Killed Grandpa
Chicken Poop for the Kid Soul
All Guns Squirt Water
When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street
You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain
How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish
101 Recipies To Make With Dog
If It's Storming Out The Best Place To Keep Shelter Is Under A Tree
Your Nightmares are real
Scooby Doo Gets Rabbis
The Lion, the Steak, and the Blender
Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap
Chuck E. Cheese and Cheddar Get a Flamethrower
Grampa Gets A Casket
Dad's New Wife Robert
The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refridgerator
There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.
Sarge47
08-06-2009, 11:15 PM
REJECTED CHILDRENS BOOK TITLES
Juggling Knives is Easy
Where To Find The Toys In The Oven
Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things
101 Games to Play in the Road
Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub,a Blowdryer,and a Fork
POP, Goes The Hamster and Other Fun Microwave Games
Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi
Monsters Killed Grandpa
Chicken Poop for the Kid Soul
All Guns Squirt Water
When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street
You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain
How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish
101 Recipies To Make With Dog
If It's Storming Out The Best Place To Keep Shelter Is Under A Tree
Your Nightmares are real
Scooby Doo Gets Rabbis
The Lion, the Steak, and the Blender
Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap
Chuck E. Cheese and Cheddar Get a Flamethrower
Grampa Gets A Casket
Dad's New Wife Robert
The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refridgerator
Missed these:
Running with Sharp objects is Dangerous; & Other Urban Legends.
Playing Cowboys & Indians With Daddy's Revolver is Best.
Making Slingshots out of Mommy's Underwear!
The 2nd Grade Teacher & the Single Student.
Why Children Should Avoid Considering "Being a Lawyer" as a Career.
:sneaky2:
And that old time classic.
Bus Drivers Love a Wet Finger in the Ear.
The Philosophy of Ambiguity
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE...
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14.. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?
34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
Pal334
08-07-2009, 10:43 AM
Rick: I now feel my life crumbling around me :(
May I provide two answers?
The Philosophy of Ambiguity
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE...
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
WHERE ELSE WOULD WE GET FORUM MODERATORS?
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
HO, HO, HO?
It's just the cracker crumbs. Vaccuum once in a while, will ya?
Banana....ban button.....banana....ban button. It's so hard to keep these things straight with my limited brain capacity. Ooooooo. The red one! I like red.
2dumb2kwit
08-07-2009, 11:46 AM
Ooooo....Philosophy. You mean like....
..if Ken, falls in the forest, and there is no one there to see it...is it still funny?
Or if vegetarians eat only vegetables.....what do humanitarians eat?
..if Ken, falls in the forest, and there is no one there to see it...is it still funny?
Banana....ban button.....banana....ban button.... The red one! I like red.
RICK! RICK! HIT THE RED BUTTON NOW! BAN THIS GUY! BAN 2dumb2kwit!!!!!!!
2dumb2kwit
08-07-2009, 12:23 PM
Ooooo....Philosophy. You mean like....
..if Ken, falls in the forest, and there is no one there to see it...is it still funny?
RICK! RICK! HIT THE RED BUTTON NOW! BAN THIS GUY! BAN 2dumb2kwit!!!!!!!
Oh, come on. You have to admit, that that one was pretty clever. LOL:innocent:
erunkiswldrnssurvival
08-07-2009, 01:25 PM
my wife and my tennant wreak my car and didnt report it, i tried to call police and she had me arrested! thats funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my wife and my tennant wreak my car and didnt report it, i tried to call police and she had me arrested! thats funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gene, you need to add one of these to your PSK:
http://www.netforlawyers.com/sites/default/files/pocket_lawyer.jpg
And in light of your YouTube clips, maybe one of these:
http://store.vitalsource.com/productimages/0240808428/150-225.jpg
crashdive123
08-07-2009, 08:54 PM
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really upset.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday
The Godiva Diet. :innocent:
rebel_chick
08-07-2009, 10:46 PM
Ok so this may go overboard but it was sent to me and I thought that it was funny...
An elderly couple,
Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled,
'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope', she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression,
Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat.'
Something to brighten your day....
http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/j1.jpg
http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/j10.jpg
http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/j11.jpg
http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/j12.jpg
http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/j13.jpg
http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/j14.jpg
http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/j15.jpg
http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/j16.jpg
http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/j2.jpg
http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/j3.jpg
http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/j4.jpg
http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/j5.jpg
http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/j6.jpg
http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/j7.jpg
http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/j8.jpg
http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/j9.jpg
crashdive123
08-11-2009, 01:12 PM
....and brighten my day they did.
wareagle69
08-12-2009, 06:02 PM
does anyone here know how to tel when a lawyer is lieing?
its easy his lips are moving:innocent:
:clap::clap::clap::clap::clap::clap::clap::clap::c lap::clap:
does anyone here know how to tel when a lawyer is lieing?
its easy his lips are moving:innocent:
:clap::clap::clap::clap::clap::clap::clap::clap::c lap::clap:
Wow was that a funny one! Let me buy you a cup of coffee, WE!
http://www.kissthisarse.com/assets/t_shirt/kisshere_mug.gif
Pal334
08-12-2009, 06:19 PM
Wow was that a funny one! Let me buy you a cup of coffee, WE!
http://www.kissthisarse.com/assets/t_shirt/kisshere_mug.gif
Tssk, tsk,, play nice. And that is a nice coffee mug :)
wareagle69
08-12-2009, 06:24 PM
uh no thanks i quit coffee a couple of months ago
uh no thanks i quit coffee a couple of months ago
Maybe a soft drink instead?
http://wtfoodge.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/cowurinesoda-thumb.jpg
uh no thanks i quit coffee a couple of months ago
Or a beer? :)
http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/horse_piss_beer.jpg
Milk?
http://i203.photobucket.com/albums/aa23/jeffvv45/opusbadmilkjn2.jpg
http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/Hi_Lois.jpg
Vocabulary Words
1. *Mushroom*
When all my family gets in the car, there's not mushroom.
2. *Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
3. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
4. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
5. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her harassment nothing to me.
6. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
Pal334
08-18-2009, 07:11 AM
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
Deleted, not appropriate for forum
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager..
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull S**t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh**s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Saturday morning I got up early to go fishing, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and tip-toed into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started .....
=====================================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
=====================================
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
=====================================
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
2dumb2kwit
08-18-2009, 11:48 AM
Ken 'Da Newt' and Stargazer have a new video, out. :clap:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XsaCuGFy9M&feature=related
I'm the guy wearing the hat! :)
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_YtIepW6JxpU/SfThT7kycJI/AAAAAAAALcM/41Hj-Ck-Kwo/s400/bug+out.jpg
2dumb2kwit
08-18-2009, 07:16 PM
If any of you go to the Yankee Kenboree, don't let Ken get you with this one!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjCDLMtkNGc
Sarge47
08-19-2009, 07:23 PM
>>Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes..
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? :online2long::online2long::online2long:
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
OR
"Brain cells go and brain cells go and brain cells go and brain cells go and brain cells go and........." 2dumb2kwit
2dumb2kwit
08-19-2009, 07:43 PM
OR
"Brain cells go and brain cells go and brain cells go and brain cells go and brain cells go and........." 2dumb2kwit is all I know how to talk about!
Nooooowwwww we understand.:innocent:
Sarge47
08-19-2009, 07:44 PM
Nooooowwwww we understand.:innocent:
Lose enough brain cells you become a lawyer! :clap::clap::clap::clap:
Yet another of a long series of weak comebacks. :smash:
Lose enough brain cells you become a lawyer! :clap::clap::clap::clap:
Lose 'em all and you become a Moderator. Just sayin'. :innocent:
Sarge47
08-19-2009, 07:48 PM
Lose 'em all and you become a Moderator. Just sayin'. :innocent:I resemble that remark!:blushing:
2dumb2kwit
08-21-2009, 11:08 AM
Kitty Stutter
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings
are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she
volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl.
"My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he
could say "F##k", the
Rottweiler ate him!"
The teacher wet her pants laughing.......
2dumb2kwit
08-23-2009, 08:48 AM
Stupid pet tricks! LOL
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XivhwO_zWWg&feature=player_embedded
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?
2dumb2kwit
08-23-2009, 08:55 PM
Was this duck named Ken, by any chance?:sneaky2:
Was this duck named Ken, by any chance?:sneaky2:
Got any Bread?
wareagle69
08-23-2009, 09:43 PM
ooohhhh i got the joke of the day right here wait for it... ready... here it is
ken............hahahahahahahahahahahahah man i crack myself up
Pal334
08-26-2009, 06:54 AM
Grandparents -- In the Eyes of Their Grandchildren:
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!' I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with trembling voice; 'Who was THAT?'
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods. The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd got to know you sooner!'
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo and I said, 'No, how are we alike? '' You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. 'What's it about?'
he asked. 'I don't know,' she replied. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!'
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, 'It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.'
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not sure.' 'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised, 'mine says I'm 4 to 6.'
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies? 'It's simple,' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
11. Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. 'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child. 'No,' said another. 'He's just for good luck.' A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants.'
13. A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE WITH HER, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.
14. GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!
15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.
Pal334
08-26-2009, 10:29 AM
FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE
1. "Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not." ~Thomas Jefferson
2. Those who trade liberty for security have neither. ~John Adams
3. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
4. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
5. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
6. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
7. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
8. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.
9. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
10. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
11. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
12. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights Reserved.
13. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.
14. What part of 'shall not be infringed' do you NOT understand?
15. Guns have only two enemies; rust and politicians.
16.. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
17. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
Skysoldier
08-26-2009, 05:35 PM
The Reason for High Veterinary Bills
A woman who was travelling across country and full timing with her pets brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."
crashdive123
08-26-2009, 05:45 PM
Now that there's funny, I don't care who you are. Unfortunately all too true as well.
2dumb2kwit
08-28-2009, 04:47 PM
You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Southerners can be so polite ....
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."
Pause...
Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"
Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE.. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."
Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- "
Pal334
08-28-2009, 05:37 PM
THat is funny ,
2dumb2kwit
08-29-2009, 07:56 AM
The Heaviest Element Known to Science
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.z
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Winnie
08-29-2009, 08:18 AM
Now that's funny!and scarily correct
Pal334
08-31-2009, 07:07 AM
Home Depot Scam
Please tell your male friends, etc. shopping at Home Depot about this scam!
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex window cleaner, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet...!!
I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 28th. Also April 2nd & 4th, twice on the 8th, 9th, and three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.
P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at Big Lots and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Depot.....
You're just looking for new projects to do around the house, huh? :innocent:
Pal334
08-31-2009, 07:54 AM
You're just looking for new projects to do around the house, huh? :innocent:
Ya know, I was there three times this weekend and nothing. Mmmm,, could it be my cologne? Sweat?
crashdive123
08-31-2009, 07:58 AM
Pal - she was working on getting over to you - she just moves a bit slower now-a-days.
http://home.earthlink.net/~nautinurse2/cigar.jpg
Pal334
08-31-2009, 08:45 AM
Pal - she was working on getting over to you - she just moves a bit slower now-a-days.
http://home.earthlink.net/~nautinurse2/cigar.jpg
Aaah, and here I thought it was that there was no McDonalds near by
canid
08-31-2009, 12:20 PM
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
that's why it really starts with a far less distasteful act.
Pal334
09-01-2009, 09:42 AM
The Zipper
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware
that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height
of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her
to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted
the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
screamed, 'How dare you touch me like that! I don't even
know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends.
Are you sure that lady wasn't just 2dumb cross-dressing again? :sneaky2:
Pal334
09-02-2009, 06:51 AM
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades
You only have to shave your face and neck..
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
It is not how old you are, but how you are old. -Jules Renard, writer (1864-1910)
Men own the remote, too. That's another good reason. Aaar, Aaar, Aaar.
crashdive123
09-02-2009, 08:04 AM
....and they where the pants in the family........What's that dear?........Not the bluejeans?.........How about these?........OK, thanks.
Now what was I saying - oh yeah - men wear the pants in the family.
Sarge47
09-02-2009, 05:12 PM
A couple in Sutton , Ontario , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake.. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here.......
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department.. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her...
2dumb2kwit
09-03-2009, 11:19 AM
After a President has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.
So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:
370H-SSV-0773H
This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.
So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.
They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message e. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.
Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.
Now there was complete panic in the oval office.
They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer
A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.
All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.
After a sleepless night, a now humbled President picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.
Bush chuckled and replied: 'Dude ............ .You're holding it upside down!'
Pal334
09-03-2009, 12:34 PM
That just ain't right. But it is funny :)
nell67
09-03-2009, 12:36 PM
Funny?? It's hilarious!!
Pal334
09-03-2009, 12:59 PM
Funny?? It's hilarious!!
I was trying to show some here before unseen (in me) understatement :)
Well, no wonder she didn't catch it.
2dumb2kwit
09-03-2009, 07:53 PM
OK...who would you like to do this to???:innocent:
http://www.wimp.com/cokeprank/
Oh, man. That's nasty, I was even raining coke from the ceiling. You're cleaning up that mess, 2D, or I'm tellin' mom!
Pal334
09-03-2009, 08:43 PM
I think some folks have a little too much time on their hands :) And Rick, go ahead and tell on him he deserves it :)
rebel_chick
09-07-2009, 10:19 PM
The scoutmaster was teaching the scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one young scout raised his hand.
"Yes Johnny, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scoutmaster.
Johnny replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Johnny?"
Johnny answered, "The compass is to find the right direction and the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the scoutmaster.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"'
pocomoonskyeyes
09-07-2009, 10:24 PM
Equus said that's the next thing to go in her kit!!!! That was so funny she got choked from laughing!!
crashdive123
09-07-2009, 10:25 PM
http://www.smileyshut.com/smileys/new/emot95.gif (http://www.smileyshut.com/Smileys/Smiley-Huts-Free-Large-JvP-Smileys.html)
rebel_chick
09-07-2009, 10:27 PM
well why not, you get bored sometimes anyway right? especially if you are out for a LONG time. Makes sense but I thought it was really funny too.
doug1980
09-07-2009, 10:30 PM
Well not exactly what I thought this thread was about, but it was funny. :)
rebel_chick
09-07-2009, 10:31 PM
oops sorry, that is just what it was called. What did you think it was about?
doug1980
09-07-2009, 10:36 PM
I made a post about it. Implementing survival cards or similar. Still a good posts though my wife thought it was hilarious. :)
rebel_chick
09-07-2009, 10:43 PM
O, ok well got a good laugh anyhow. Tried to fix it but wouldn't show on the thread title.
crashdive123
09-07-2009, 10:46 PM
How do you want the title to read? I'll edit it if you want it changed.
rebel_chick
09-07-2009, 11:05 PM
Just so they know it is a joke. I don't care. Can title it jokes if ya want to.
rebel_chick
09-07-2009, 11:06 PM
I do hope that this one does not offend anyone.
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
The redneck was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"
doug1980
09-07-2009, 11:09 PM
HA HA HA I don't care who you are, that's funny.
rebel_chick
09-07-2009, 11:14 PM
:blushing:guess I shoulda posted on the regular jokes huh? o well, now we got another one.
Sarge47
09-08-2009, 07:37 AM
I'm moving it right now. :cool2:
mountain mama
09-08-2009, 09:57 AM
A group of friends went deer hunting
and paired off in twos for the day.. That night, one of the
hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an
eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others
asked.
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of
miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter
replied.
'You left Henry laying out there
and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But
I figured no one is going to steal
Henry!'
rebel_chick
09-08-2009, 10:14 AM
haha, that is messed up!
And thanks so much Sarge.
Pal334
09-09-2009, 09:56 AM
BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh. .. . ... . ..
(scroll down)
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Pal334
09-10-2009, 06:46 AM
Aunt Karen
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.
'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'
'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'
'Stay the f**k away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking
Betcha' Nell could do that when she was clean sober. Just sayin'. :innocent:
Clean and sober? Backing QUICKLY away from thread. Now running like H**l!!!!!
nell67
09-10-2009, 09:43 AM
betcha' Nell Could Do That When She Was Clean Sober. Just Sayin'. :innocent:
Lmfao!!!!!!!!!!!!!
crashdive123
09-10-2009, 11:16 AM
OK Rick - it's safe to come back.
A mechanic was working on the brakes of a car when a drop of brake fluid landed on his lips. To his surprise, it tasted very good. He dabbed his finger in a bit of the fluid and touched it to his lips. Amazing!
That evening he told his buddy what had happened. "That stuff is really good," he told him.
Later that week, the two of them were sitting around drinking beer and the mechanic said, "You know, I drank a cap full of brake fluid today. I can't get over just how good that stuff tastes."
"Are you nuts?" asked his buddy. "That stuff is poisonous. You keep drinking that and you'll either get hooked on it or kill yourself."
"Nonsense," replied the mechanic. "I can stop any time I want."
You really should get a day job.
mountain mama
09-11-2009, 12:55 PM
see crash, this is what happens when you invite Rick back
just sayin'
And to BOTH of you...
http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/moon.gif
And to BOTH of you...
http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/moon.gif
Wow, Rick, you were able to pull those pants right over your head! :innocent:
http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/girlscouts.jpg
Pal334
09-12-2009, 03:51 PM
* Five retired military members from each of the branches are at the pearly gates, arguing over which branch is more distinguished. Finally, they ask St. Peter, who scratches his head and says he will ask God. St. Peter soon returns from the Lord with a handwritten letter: “All of the branches of the United States military are distinguished and serve their own unique purpose. There really is no way to judge which is best for they are all honorable, and filled with the best and brightest of America. So please, enter into heaven, knowing that you have all served your country with honor.
Signed, God Gen, USAF, Retired.”
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
* The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.
For instance, take the simple phrase “secure the building.”
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a five-year lease with an option to buy.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
* Three men are using the latrine: an airman, a sailor, and a soldier. The airman finishes and washes his hands using a lot of soap and water, then dries using five paper towels. He says “In the Air Force, we’re taught to wash and dry thoroughly.” The sailor finishes and washes his hands using very little soap and water and dries with one paper towel. He says “In the Navy, we’re taught to conserve our resources.” The soldier finishes and walks out, saying, “In the Army, we just don’t pee on our hands.”
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
* There’s an Air Force guy driving from McChord Air Force Base FB to Fort Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on.
The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, “Man, I am really lucky to be alive!” Likewise, the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, “I can’t believe I survived this wreck!” The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says, “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals.”
The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I’m gonna see what else survived this wreck.”
So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
He says to the Army guy, “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our newfound understanding and friendship.”
The Army guy replies, “You’re da** right!” and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, “Your turn!” The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, “Nahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to show up.”
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
* The four service chiefs are sitting around debating which service has the bravest troops.
The Army chief steps up, calls over a soldier and says, “Soldier, go take out that insurgent house by yourself.” The soldier salutes smartly, yells “Hooah!” and charges into the building, fighting bravely before being eventually overcome. The Army chief says, “See? That’s courage!”
The Marine Corps commandant stands up and says, “H**l, I’ll show you real courage.” He calls over a young Marine and says, “Marine, charge that terrorist camp by yourself and kill ‘em all!” The Marine salutes smartly, yells “Semper Fi!” and charges into the camp, fighting valiantly before eventually being overcome. The commandant says, “Now that’s courage!”
The Navy chief stands up and says, “H**l, I’ll give you some real courage! He calls over a young seaman and says, “Seaman, go swim out to sea in shark-infested waters by yourself and clear that underwater minefield!” The sailor salutes smartly, says “Aye, aye, sir!” and jumps into the water, bravely fighting off the sharks and attacking the mines until eventually being overcome. The Navy chief says, “Now there’s Navy courage!”
The Air Force chief smiles to his fellow service chiefs and quietly calls over a young airman. “Airman,” he says, “I want you to fly through those impenetrable air defenses over there and bomb that target.” The airman sees his mission into impending doom, looks at the chief, and says “Sc**w you, sir,” and walks away. The Air Force chief looks around at the table and says, “See? Now that’s courage!”
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
* Q: The Air Force calls them helicopters, the Army calls them choppers … what does the Marine Corps call them?
A: “UUNGHHH! UUNGHH!” (while pointing skyward).
Pal334
09-14-2009, 07:03 AM
following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA. This guy should run for President one day...
"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth.. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes ..
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people.. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. (AMEN!)
ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language.. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from! (Lastly....)
ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!
http://jrsofty.files.wordpress.com/2007/09/kmart-ban.gif
nell67
09-15-2009, 07:24 AM
LMAO @ Ken,you know,I did a search on that phone number at the bottom of the page,and it REALLY is for a Kmart in Reno!
The "Bill or Rights" wasn't written by Rep. Kaye. It was written by Lewis Napper (you gotta love that name).
http://www.snopes.com/language/document/norights.asp
Pal334
09-15-2009, 07:37 AM
Just goes to show you, the politicians even steal other folks ideas :)
Pal334
09-15-2009, 08:55 AM
You are just sooooo bad.
:innocent:
Pal334
09-17-2009, 07:14 AM
An oldy but a goody
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)
These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrorists :
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit..
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt . (for the non racing fans, he was an almost iconic figure in Stock car racing)
The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday.
2dumb2kwit
09-17-2009, 04:40 PM
ROBOT BARTENDER....
A guy goes into a bar and there is a robot bartender. The robot says,
"What will you have?" The guy says "Martini." The robot brings back
the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy
says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space
exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The
robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini".
Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says,
"What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk
about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will
try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What
will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him
another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy
says, "Uh, about 70."
The robot leans in real close and says, "So... you people still happy
you voted for Obama?"
doug1980
09-17-2009, 04:52 PM
An oldy but a goody
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)
These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrorists :
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit..
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt . (for the non racing fans, he was an almost iconic figure in Stock car racing)
The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday.
Well hell where do I sign up. Sounds like my kind of huntin' right there. :clap:
doug1980
09-17-2009, 04:53 PM
ROBOT BARTENDER....
A guy goes into a bar and there is a robot bartender. The robot says,
"What will you have?" The guy says "Martini." The robot brings back
the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy
says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space
exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The
robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini".
Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says,
"What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk
about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will
try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What
will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him
another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy
says, "Uh, about 70."
The robot leans in real close and says, "So... you people still happy
you voted for Obama?"
Wow I got that email today too. Good stuff.
2dumb2kwit
09-17-2009, 09:27 PM
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, ‘Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
So he sat down and wrote:
__________________________________________________ ______
Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
__________________________________________________ ______
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
__________________________________________________ __
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
doug1980
09-17-2009, 11:18 PM
* Five retired military members from each of the branches are at the pearly gates, arguing over which branch is more distinguished. Finally, they ask St. Peter, who scratches his head and says he will ask God. St. Peter soon returns from the Lord with a handwritten letter: “All of the branches of the United States military are distinguished and serve their own unique purpose. There really is no way to judge which is best for they are all honorable, and filled with the best and brightest of America. So please, enter into heaven, knowing that you have all served your country with honor.
Signed, God Gen, USAF, Retired.”
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
* The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.
For instance, take the simple phrase “secure the building.”
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a five-year lease with an option to buy.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
* Three men are using the latrine: an airman, a sailor, and a soldier. The airman finishes and washes his hands using a lot of soap and water, then dries using five paper towels. He says “In the Air Force, we’re taught to wash and dry thoroughly.” The sailor finishes and washes his hands using very little soap and water and dries with one paper towel. He says “In the Navy, we’re taught to conserve our resources.” The soldier finishes and walks out, saying, “In the Army, we just don’t pee on our hands.”
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
* There’s an Air Force guy driving from McChord Air Force Base FB to Fort Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on.
The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, “Man, I am really lucky to be alive!” Likewise, the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, “I can’t believe I survived this wreck!” The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says, “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals.”
The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I’m gonna see what else survived this wreck.”
So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
He says to the Army guy, “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our newfound understanding and friendship.”
The Army guy replies, “You’re da** right!” and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, “Your turn!” The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, “Nahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to show up.”
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
* The four service chiefs are sitting around debating which service has the bravest troops.
The Army chief steps up, calls over a soldier and says, “Soldier, go take out that insurgent house by yourself.” The soldier salutes smartly, yells “Hooah!” and charges into the building, fighting bravely before being eventually overcome. The Army chief says, “See? That’s courage!”
The Marine Corps commandant stands up and says, “H**l, I’ll show you real courage.” He calls over a young Marine and says, “Marine, charge that terrorist camp by yourself and kill ‘em all!” The Marine salutes smartly, yells “Semper Fi!” and charges into the camp, fighting valiantly before eventually being overcome. The commandant says, “Now that’s courage!”
The Navy chief stands up and says, “H**l, I’ll give you some real courage! He calls over a young seaman and says, “Seaman, go swim out to sea in shark-infested waters by yourself and clear that underwater minefield!” The sailor salutes smartly, says “Aye, aye, sir!” and jumps into the water, bravely fighting off the sharks and attacking the mines until eventually being overcome. The Navy chief says, “Now there’s Navy courage!”
The Air Force chief smiles to his fellow service chiefs and quietly calls over a young airman. “Airman,” he says, “I want you to fly through those impenetrable air defenses over there and bomb that target.” The airman sees his mission into impending doom, looks at the chief, and says “Sc**w you, sir,” and walks away. The Air Force chief looks around at the table and says, “See? Now that’s courage!”
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
* Q: The Air Force calls them helicopters, the Army calls them choppers … what does the Marine Corps call them?
A: “UUNGHHH! UUNGHH!” (while pointing skyward).
Pal I love these! Some of them are so very very true. :clap:
tacticalguy
09-17-2009, 11:18 PM
My wife forwarded this from one of her sites & thought the Wolf Pack might enjoy it.:D
FW: Did you hear about the two urban survivalists who decided to try duck hunting? They got their dog and equipment, and went out to a place in the woods where they thought the hunting would be good. But after several hours of thrashing through the forest, one fellow said,"I don't know about this. We've been out here all day and haven't caught a single duck, do you think we're doing something wrong?" "I don't know," replied the other. "Maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough." :eek::rolleyes::D:cool:
I dont get it?......?
mountain mama
09-18-2009, 10:30 AM
Curtis &Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.'
Curtis &Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off.
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Bailout Program.
2dumb2kwit
09-20-2009, 08:46 PM
We always hear " the Rules "
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1.. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable
answers to almost every question..
1. Come to us with a problem only if
you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what
your girlfriends are for..
1. Anything we said 6 months ago
is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become
Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If something we said can be
interpreted two ways and one
of t he ways makes you sad
or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know
best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you
have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and
neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that..
1.. If we ask what is wrong
and you say "nothing,"
We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying,
but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't
want an answer to, Expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere,
absolutely anything you wear is fine...
Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking
about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as
Sports or Sex. (not necessarily
in that order)
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep
on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really
don't mind that?????
It's like camping.......
Sarge47
09-20-2009, 11:54 PM
The Most Dangerous Food A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.. 'The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can
be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the
most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone
here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering
for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a
75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.' :cool2:
Pal334
09-22-2009, 01:09 PM
An old country preacher......had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young Men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects..
1. A Bible.....?
2. A silver dollar.....?
3. A bottle of whisky.....?
4. And a Playboy magazine.....?
'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room..
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
'He's gonna run for Congress.'
Pal334
09-24-2009, 08:11 AM
That's only 54 years ago!
'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'
'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2,000. 00 will only buy a used one.'
'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.
'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?'
'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'
'When I first started driv ing, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'
'Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.'
'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL of DAMN in it..'
'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas '
'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.'
'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.'
'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.'
'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.'
'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.'
'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.'
'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.'
'There is no sense going for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'
'No one can afford to be sick anymore; at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'
'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'
Mike was attending the WSF regional jamboree and had just told the other members he couldn't make the upcoming camping trip because his wife wouldn't let him go.
After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow WSF friends Mike left to go back home to his wife.
When Mike's friends started arriving to set up camp the following week who should be there but Mike sitting up in front of his truck, tent up, fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.
"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Mike?"
"I didn't have to" was Mike's reply.
"Last night I was slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said surprise!!
When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."
So Here I am!
nell67
09-25-2009, 01:25 PM
We always hear " the Rules "
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1.. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable
answers to almost every question..
1. Come to us with a problem only if
you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what
your girlfriends are for..
1. Anything we said 6 months ago
is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become
Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If something we said can be
interpreted two ways and one
of t he ways makes you sad
or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know
best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you
have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and
neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that..
1.. If we ask what is wrong
and you say "nothing,"
We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying,
but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't
want an answer to, Expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere,
absolutely anything you wear is fine...
Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking
about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as
Sports or Sex. (not necessarily
in that order)
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep
on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really
don't mind that?????
It's like camping.......
Dead man walking (or typing) right here folks....
Pal334
09-29-2009, 09:12 AM
A variation on an oldie but a goody
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Texas.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.
The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'
'What for?' says the lawyer..
The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
'You still didn't come to a complete stop', says the deputy. 'License and registration, please.'
The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats.
Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
Pal334
10-01-2009, 08:57 AM
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man,
'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000..
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.....
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning..
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
mountain mama
10-01-2009, 06:38 PM
Six married men will be
dropped on an island
with one car and
3 kids each for
six weeks.
Each kid will play
two sports
and either take music
or dance classes.
There is no fast food.
Each man must
take care of his 3 kids;
keep his assigned
house clean,
correct all homework,
and
complete science projects,
cook, do laundry,
and pay a list of
'pretend' bills with
not enough money.
In addition, each man
will have to budget
in money
for groceries each
week.
Each man
must remember the
birthdays
of all their friends
and relatives,
and send cards out
on time--no Emailing.
Each man must also
take each child to a
doctor's appointment,
a dentist appointment
and a
haircut appointment.
He must make
one unscheduled and
inconvenient visit per
child to the A & E.
He must also
make biscuits or cakes
for a social function.
Each man will be
responsible for
decorating his own
assigned house,
planting flowers outside
and keeping it presentable
at all times.
The men will only
have access to television
when the kids are asleep
and all chores are done.
The men must
shave their legs,
wear makeup daily,
adorn himself with jewellery,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,
keep fingernails polished
and eyebrows groomed.
During one of the six weeks,
the men will have to endure
severe abdominal cramps,
back aches,
and have extreme,
unexplained mood swings
but never once complain
or slow down from
other duties.
They must attend
weekly school meetings,
church, and find time
at least once to spend the
afternoon at the park or
a similar setting.
They will need to
read a book to the kids
each night and in the
morning,
feed them, dress them,
brush their teeth and
comb their hair by 8:00 am.
A test will be given at the
end of the six weeks,
and each father will
be required to know
all of the following
information:
each child's birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size
and doctor's name.
Also the child's
weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labour,
each child's favourite colour,
middle name,
favourite snack,
favourite song,
favourite drink,
favourite toy,
biggest fear and
what they want to be
when they grow up.
All the above must be completed whilst working
in either full time
(preferably) or part time
employment to assist in
the financial input for
the family.
The kids vote them off
the island
based on performance.
The last man wins only if...
he still has enough energy
to be intimate with his
spouse at a moment's
notice.
If the last man does win,
he can play the game over
and over and over again
for the next 18-25 years
eventually earning the
right to be called
Mom!
COWBOYSURVIVAL
10-01-2009, 07:31 PM
Six married men will be
dropped on an island
with one car and
3 kids each for
six weeks.
Each kid will play
two sports
and either take music
or dance classes.
There is no fast food.
Each man must
take care of his 3 kids;
keep his assigned
house clean,
correct all homework,
and
complete science projects,
cook, do laundry,
and pay a list of
'pretend' bills with
not enough money.
In addition, each man
will have to budget
in money
for groceries each
week.
Each man
must remember the
birthdays
of all their friends
and relatives,
and send cards out
on time--no Emailing.
Each man must also
take each child to a
doctor's appointment,
a dentist appointment
and a
haircut appointment.
He must make
one unscheduled and
inconvenient visit per
child to the A & E.
He must also
make biscuits or cakes
for a social function.
Each man will be
responsible for
decorating his own
assigned house,
planting flowers outside
and keeping it presentable
at all times.
The men will only
have access to television
when the kids are asleep
and all chores are done.
The men must
shave their legs,
wear makeup daily,
adorn himself with jewellery,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,
keep fingernails polished
and eyebrows groomed.
During one of the six weeks,
the men will have to endure
severe abdominal cramps,
back aches,
and have extreme,
unexplained mood swings
but never once complain
or slow down from
other duties.
They must attend
weekly school meetings,
church, and find time
at least once to spend the
afternoon at the park or
a similar setting.
They will need to
read a book to the kids
each night and in the
morning,
feed them, dress them,
brush their teeth and
comb their hair by 8:00 am.
A test will be given at the
end of the six weeks,
and each father will
be required to know
all of the following
information:
each child's birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size
and doctor's name.
Also the child's
weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labour,
each child's favourite colour,
middle name,
favourite snack,
favourite song,
favourite drink,
favourite toy,
biggest fear and
what they want to be
when they grow up.
All the above must be completed whilst working
in either full time
(preferably) or part time
employment to assist in
the financial input for
the family.
The kids vote them off
the island
based on performance.
The last man wins only if...
he still has enough energy
to be intimate with his
spouse at a moment's
notice.
If the last man does win,
he can play the game over
and over and over again
for the next 18-25 years
eventually earning the
right to be called
Mom!
Been doing all of this for 6 years! STILL BEING CALLED DADDY AND I LOVE EVERY SECOND!
You shave your legs, wear makeup and adorn yourself with jewelry?! Well, alrighty then.
mountain mama
10-01-2009, 07:50 PM
I Want Pictures!
COWBOYSURVIVAL
10-01-2009, 07:51 PM
WHOAAAA! I missed that part! absolutely not! It would take at least 2 cases of razors! Gees I messed that one up!
mountain mama
10-01-2009, 07:52 PM
*notices he didn't mention the make-up and jewelry*
I ALLWAYS GET THE LAST WORD IN!!!!
(yes dear)
I noticed he didn't deny that part.
I cant believe how fast rick is on this site.
COWBOYSURVIVAL
10-01-2009, 07:59 PM
I know I messed that post up! Cut a guy a break for being a proud Daddy! Truth is if that is what it took I would of done anything the judge fealt I needed to!
crashdive123
10-01-2009, 07:59 PM
I cant believe how fast rick is on this site.
He types fast.
COWBOYSURVIVAL
10-01-2009, 08:01 PM
OK do I at least get the joke of the day award?
I actually have everything already typed out days ahead of time. Then I just cut and paste. I am the Minister of Science you know.
Okay. I'll give you the joke of the day award.
http://vegetarianorganiclife.com/picture/of/golden_twinkie_award.jpg
mountain mama
10-01-2009, 08:07 PM
OK do I at least get the joke of the day award?Only if you provide pictures.
He types fast.
I can diagnose a HVAC system and point and click and change parameters as needed but typing?:eek2: By the time I find the letters to write two words, Rick has written a novel.
crashdive123
10-01-2009, 08:16 PM
A novel is a long narrative in literary prose. The genre has historical roots both in the fields of the medieval and early modern romance and in the tradition of the novella. The latter supplied the present generic term in the late 18th century.
The further definition of the genre is historically difficult. Most of the criteria (such as artistic merit, fictionality, a design to create an epic totality of life, a focus on history and the individual) are arbitrary and designed to raise further debates over qualities that will supposedly separate great works of literature from a wider and lower "trivial" production. The debates reach back into an early modern discussion of fiction and into simultaneous attempts to redefine the task history in the modern societies. A new field of literature was eventually defined in the 18th century in order to give works of "art" a place of their own — a place novels defend with a focus on the individual and more individualistic narratives. The personal memoir and the autobiography are the closest relatives as essentially personal though not necessarily individualistic histories.
2dumb2kwit
10-01-2009, 09:06 PM
Whuuut???:blushing:
nell67
10-01-2009, 09:49 PM
[quote=Pal334;159134]WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man,
'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000..
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.....
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning..
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
You and the wife had an argument this morning,didn'tcha??? :tongue_smilie::clap:
Pal334
10-02-2009, 07:01 AM
Nell: You and the wife had an argument this morning,didn'tcha???
I never agrue with her, unless I am at least 100 miles away and will not be home for several days. I have all of this stuff memorized. And I am very well trained. We use a spanish term, I am a "Lobo domesticado" a domesticated wolf. I behave very well at home. :)
Yeah, but are you house broke?
2dumb2kwit
10-02-2009, 07:43 AM
You and the wife had an argument this morning,didn'tcha??? :tongue_smilie::clap:
Welllll.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olKE4JfeKnw
2D you spend way to much time on you tube. (Thanks for the laughs)
nell67
10-02-2009, 11:08 AM
Nell: You and the wife had an argument this morning,didn'tcha???
I never agrue with her, unless I am at least 100 miles away and will not be home for several days. I have all of this stuff memorized. And I am very well trained. We use a spanish term, I am a "Lobo domesticado" a domesticated wolf. I behave very well at home. :)
Yea,but she can't read this stuff on here and you are venting at her,right????J/K Pal,I think they are hilarious,and trying to be non-chalantly funny when I post those little comments at you guys for the women jokes,they are not meant to make you think I disapprove of what you typed.
nell67
10-02-2009, 11:11 AM
welllll.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olke4jfeknw
Rotflmfao!!!!!!!!!!
Pal334
10-02-2009, 05:01 PM
Yea,but she can't read this stuff on here and you are venting at her,right????J/K Pal,I think they are hilarious,and trying to be non-chalantly funny when I post those little comments at you guys for the women jokes,they are not meant to make you think I disapprove of what you typed.
Not to worry, after this many years, I think I am behind in the zings from her :)
http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/pickles.jpg
2dumb2kwit
10-06-2009, 07:13 PM
Two Old Men Decide They Are Close To Their Last Days And
> Decide To Have A Last Night On The Town.
>
> After A Few Drinks, They End Up At The Local Brothel
>
> The Madam Takes One Look At The Two Old Geezers And
> Whispers To Her Manager, 'go Up To The First Two Bedrooms And Put An
> Inflated Doll In Each Bed.
>
>
> These Two Are So Old And Drunk, I'm Not Wasting Two Of My
> Girls On Them. They Won't Know The Difference.'
>
>
> The Manager Does As He Is Told And The Two Old Men Go
> Upstairs And Take Care Of Their Business. As They Are Walking Home The First
> Man Says,
>
> 'you Know, I Think My Girl Was Dead!'
>
> 'dead?' Says His Friend, 'why Do You Say That?'>
>
> 'well, She Never Moved Or Made A Sound All The Time I Was
> Loving Her.' His Friend Says, 'could Be Worse I Think Mine Was A Witch.'>
>
> 'a Witch ??. . Why The Hell Would You Say That?'
>
> 'well, I Was Making Love To Her, Kissing Her On The Neck,
> And I Gave Her A Little Bite, Then She Farted And Flew Out The Window.....
> Took My Teeth With Her!
mountain mama
10-06-2009, 09:05 PM
Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower:
Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.
As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is DRT (Dead Right Thar).
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, someone should go and tell his wife.' Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Donnie says, 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow".'
She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'
Then I said 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'
Rednecks Are Good At That Sensitive stuff.
Pal334
10-07-2009, 09:35 AM
Don't laugh.....it is all true...these are the perks of reaching 60 and heading towards 70 (or even the golden years) should we discover them.
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run----anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out...
8. You can eat supper at 4pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in ...
no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance ...
is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists ...
than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends ...
because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally ...
down to manageable size.
19. And never, under any circumstances ... take a sleeping pill & a laxative on the same night.
DOGMAN
10-07-2009, 02:55 PM
I was emailed this today, thought I'd share....
This is as close as it gets to explaining how government works!
-----
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan
sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,
Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You
have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the y oung man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth
of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and
you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or
about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...
Now, give me back my dog.
doug1980
10-07-2009, 02:58 PM
HA HA HA now that was funny. :)
Old GI
10-07-2009, 03:16 PM
Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods?
Sarge47
10-07-2009, 05:13 PM
I laughed really hard the 1st time I read that on the "Joke-of-the-day" thread! :innocent:
Sourdough
10-07-2009, 06:33 PM
DogMan, that is Funny......
DOGMAN
10-07-2009, 07:13 PM
I laughed really hard the 1st time I read that on the "Joke-of-the-day" thread! :innocent:
sorry, i don't have the amount of leisure time that you do, to spend reading every post.:smash::smash::smash:
Sarge47
10-07-2009, 10:49 PM
Well now it's in the right place! :cool2:
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house- mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. Youare hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it.. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?
Pal334
10-13-2009, 10:22 AM
F16 vs. C-130
A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly
went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished
with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot
asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?' Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun.'
When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!
When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!
Us old folks understand this one.
crashdive123
10-13-2009, 01:45 PM
Nice.......
2dumb2kwit
10-13-2009, 02:14 PM
HaHaHa...Good one Pal. Kinda reminds me of the joke about the young bull and the old bull. LOL:innocent:
Pal334
10-13-2009, 04:44 PM
HaHaHa...Good one Pal. Kinda reminds me of the joke about the young bull and the old bull. LOL:innocent:
Being an Old Bull is much more fun :)
Being full of bull....never mind.
Pal334
10-13-2009, 08:12 PM
Being full of bull....never mind.
Mmmm,, I think I may resemble that remark
crashdive123
10-13-2009, 08:22 PM
A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.
Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.
The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"
crashdive123
10-13-2009, 08:24 PM
Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To heck with your canoes!"
Pal334
10-14-2009, 06:48 AM
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces think I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing a**-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some a**hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the he**. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing fanatical s-o-b's....
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser...
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pi**ed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS!!! You think Men have attitudes!!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!
nell67
10-14-2009, 08:26 AM
***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS!!! You think Men have attitudes!!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
Menopause would be even better!
Pal334
10-14-2009, 09:11 AM
***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS!!! You think Men have attitudes!!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
Menopause would be even better!
Nope, I ain't going there. :)
nell67
10-14-2009, 09:53 AM
Nope, I ain't going there. :)
Why,or would that be an unfair advantage???? LMAO!
Pal334
10-14-2009, 10:35 AM
Why,or would that be an unfair advantage???? LMAO!
Having been married for 30 plus years and having experiencing it, I am certain it would be a violation of the Geneva Convention :cool2:
nell67
10-14-2009, 11:39 AM
Having been married for 30 plus years and having experiencing it, I am certain it would be a violation of the Geneva Convention :cool2:
Probably right about that,but it would be one helluva secret weapon ,until they figured it out!
crashdive123
10-14-2009, 04:20 PM
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
Pal334
10-15-2009, 12:25 PM
Cup of Tea
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old.. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea',
which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise
for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room
to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough,
here I come down the hall
with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know.. :-)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'
Old GI
10-15-2009, 01:00 PM
Did you hear about the plastic surgeon that hung himself?
Pal334
10-19-2009, 09:30 AM
If you ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying
to undermine the police officer's credibility.
Q: Officer, Did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.' Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes, Sir, with my life!
Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.
Q: And do you have a locker in the room?
A: Yes sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.
Q: Well, now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?
A: Well, you see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room!
I broke a mirror yesterday and that's seven years bad luck. My lawyer thinks he can get five.
Pal334
10-28-2009, 07:15 AM
Questions and Answers from AARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy
women who are interested
in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through
menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you're done you'll have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true?
Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's a** all the way to Egypt .."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep More soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
Guy moves out into the wilderness, his nearest neighbor is five miles from his cabin.
After about six months the neighbor comes by and says:
"Hey feller, I'm having me a get together, gone be some some fine food and hard drink, good conversation and a bit of dancing. It'll probably turn into a love fest though... usually does. Be a reeeeal good time to get to know ya."
"Wow!" The new guy says. "I'm in, when is it and who's coming?"
The man smiles a toothless grin, well its tonight friend and so far there's you and me!"
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed..
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's licenseto verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."
And then the fight started....
2dumb2kwit
10-28-2009, 12:35 PM
I broke a mirror yesterday and that's seven years bad luck. My lawyer thinks he can get five.
Yeah...but Ken lies! LOL:smash:
Old GI
10-28-2009, 01:15 PM
Guy moves out into the wilderness, his nearest neighbor is five miles from his cabin.
After about six months the neighbor comes by and says:
"Hey feller, I'm having me a get together, gone be some some fine food and hard drink, good conversation and a bit of dancing. It'll probably turn into a love fest though... usually does. Be a reeeeal good time to get to know ya."
"Wow!" The new guy says. "I'm in, when is it and who's coming?"
The man smiles a toothless grin, well its tonight friend and so far there's you and me!"
Then what did you say?
crashdive123
10-28-2009, 02:06 PM
Must have been the kilt.:lol:
RangerXanatos
10-28-2009, 09:26 PM
"Ladies and gentlemen, I've just been informed that a wallet containg a rather large sum of money was found near the restrooms. My assistant, Miss Hunt, has it in her posession, and will cheerfully return it to the owner. She says its a plain, nondiscript brown wallet. So, if anyone has lost a wallet with a large sum of money in it... go to Helen Hunt for it."
Pal334
10-29-2009, 08:09 AM
"BAIL'EM OUT!!! ????
H**l, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.. They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a w***e house and selling whiskey?!"
"What are we thinking"
nell67
10-29-2009, 11:01 AM
If you go to the doctor when you are ill and he finds that you have swine flu, you will be given an oinkment. If he determines that you have bird flu, he will give you a tweetment. Have a good day
2dumb2kwit
10-29-2009, 11:21 AM
Heeeeeeyyyyyy. What happened to the post about cats? That one was funny!!!:innocent:
nell67
10-29-2009, 11:26 AM
I like cats too... Let's exchange recipes!
Just for 2D...you're one sick puppy ..LMAO
2dumb2kwit
10-29-2009, 11:56 AM
I like cats too... Let's exchange recipes!
Just for 2D...you're one sick puppy ..LMAO
(Snicker, Snicker) Thanks!!!:blushing:
2dumb2kwit
10-29-2009, 06:38 PM
I can't remember if this one has been posted.
A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back,
letting go of the girl and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."
The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted accordingly. Right"
The reporter says, "Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?"
The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his deed, and reads, on front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
COWBOYSURVIVAL
10-29-2009, 06:47 PM
Hey 2Dumb! I can't find it now but I saw you made some reference to pink about me. Well I wanted to tell you I stuck up for you up to now. I really did I defended you! Someone said "2Dumb eats S_h_t Sandwiches" I replied oh NO! I can assure you he doesn't eat bread!
Sarge47
10-29-2009, 06:58 PM
I can't remember if this one has been posted.Now that was funny, I don't care who you are! :clap::clap::clap:
2dumb2kwit
10-29-2009, 07:00 PM
Hey 2Dumb! I can't find it now but I saw you made some reference to pink about me. Well I wanted to tell you I stuck for you up to now. I really did I defended you! Someone said "2Dumb eats S_h_t Sandwiches" I replied oh NO! I can assure you he doesn't eat bread!
Well dang....thanks Cowboy.....you're alright! LOL:innocent:
COWBOYSURVIVAL
10-29-2009, 07:01 PM
Well dang....thanks Cowboy.....you're alright! LOL:innocent:
Anytime! Use it on Ken!
rebel
10-29-2009, 08:58 PM
Could this be our Remy (Remi)? http://popwatch.ew.com/2009/10/26/clip-du-jour-manbat/
crashdive123
10-30-2009, 05:26 PM
You can't make this stuff up.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/thereporters/markeaston/2009/10/nutt_faces_sack.html
2dumb2kwit
11-02-2009, 09:48 PM
Don't shoot the messenger.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
2dumb2kwit
11-02-2009, 09:52 PM
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Bladen
11-02-2009, 09:56 PM
knock knock
whos there?
man
man who?
man truck! beep beep! vroooom!
sorry
NightShade
11-02-2009, 10:35 PM
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
that is funny!
2dumb2kwit
11-02-2009, 10:36 PM
knock knock
whos there?
man
man who?
man truck! beep beep! vroooom!
sorry
ROFLMAO!:smash:
crashdive123
11-02-2009, 10:40 PM
Hmmmmmmmmmmm.
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