Joke of the day.

[Sparky93]

Something else my Grandpa emailed me:

Some words to the wise.
Shooting Advice from various Concealed
Carry Instructors.
If you own a gun, you will appreciate this.
If not, you should get one and learn how to use it:


A: Guns have only two enemies rust and politicians.

B: Its always better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6.

C: Cops carry guns to protect themselves, not you.

D: Never let someone or something that threatens you get inside arms length.

E: Never say "I've got a gun." If you need to use deadly force, the first sound they hear should be the safety clicking off.

F: The average response time of a 911 call is 23 minutes, the response time of a .357 is 1400 feet per second.

G: The most important rule in a gunfight is:
Always win - cheat if necessary.

H: Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets . . . You may get killed with your own gun, but he'll have to beat you to death with it, cause it'll be empty.

I: If you're in a gun fight:
1. If you're not shooting, you should be loading.
2. If you're not loading, you should be moving,
3. If you're not moving', you're dead.

J: In a life and death situation, do something . . . It may be wrong, but do something!

K: If you carry a gun, people call you paranoid. Nonsense! If you have a gun, what do you have to be paranoid about?

L: You can say 'stop' or 'alto' or any other word, but a large bore muzzle pointed at someone's head is pretty much a universal language.

M: You cannot save the planet, but you may be able to save yourself and your family.

[nell67]

Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's exist...ing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars’ worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as many races are won or lost in the pits. However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 9 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower. Ain't America Great?

[Rick]

Four older guys were walking down a Florida street late one afternoon when they spied a sign they hadn't seen before.

Old Timer's Bar - All Drinks Ten Cents

The four looked at each other and decided to investigate. They walked inside and sat down at a table. The bartender walked over and asked, What'll it be, gents?"

"Is it true the drinks are 10 cents?"

"It is. Any drink you want."

The four guys ordered martinis, shaken not stirred. The bartender brought them over and sat them on the table.

"That'll be 40 cents, fellahs."

"What's the story on the bar and prices," one of the men asked.

"I won 125 million in the lottery. I've always wanted to open a bar and I don't care if I make any money or not. I just enjoy it," the bartender explained. "Everything is 10 cents, beer, whiskey, everything."

What a stroke of luck, they thought. The martinis were excellent and only 10 cents a piece. It wasn't long before they ordered another round. They were equally as good and they had yet to spend a buck.

Sitting at the end of the bar were seven old guys and not a one of them had a drink. They hadn't ordered a thing. They just sat at the bar talking. When the bartender returned to the table with a third round one of the guys asked,

"What the story on the guys at the end of the bar?"

The bartender glanced at the bar then back at the table. With a lowered voice he said,

"Those guys are Wisconsin snow birds. They're waiting for happy hour for the half priced drinks."

[crashdive123]

What a difference 50 years makes.

1962: Long hair
2012: Longing for hair

1962: KEG
2012: EKG

1962: Acid rock
2012: Acid reflux

1962: Moving to California because it's cool
2012: Moving to Arizona because it's warm

1962: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2012: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1962: Seeds and stems
2012: Roughage

1962: Hoping for a BMW
2012: Hoping for a BM

1962: Going to a new, hip joint
2012: Receiving a new hip joint

1962: Rolling Stones
2012: Kidney Stones

1962: Screw the system
2012: Upgrade the system


1962: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2012: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

1962: Passing the drivers' test.
2012: Passing the vision test.

1962: Whatever
2012: Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, the following will certainly change things.

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen.

Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1994.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced two years before they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: Where's the Beef?, I'd walk a mile for a Camel, or de plane, Boss, de plane.

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

Mc Donald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old geezers on your list.

Notice the larger type. That's for those of you who have trouble reading.

So have a nice day!!!!! It is so good to have family and friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking.

[crashdive123]

When I was a toddler, someone gave me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. My father was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water, of course.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!"

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.

She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"

[Rick]

An elderly gentlemen went in for his annual physical exam. The doctor said, "You're in incredible shape. How old are you again?"

The man replied, "I am 78."

The doctor exclaimed, "Wow, 78. How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60 year old."

The man explained, "Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside to settle down."

"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.

The man sighed, "I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."

[Sparky93]

Why we shoot deer in the wild (A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed
up-- 3 of them.. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold..

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED..

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined..

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope..

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the
thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand. ..kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in
there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts. The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day..

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave.. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are lying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a
rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!

All these events are true so help me God... An Educated Farmer

[hunter63]

Been there...done that....he's right....Not a joke.

[letslearntogether47]

Not sure if this one's been posted yet:

HOW TO START A FIGHT


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"Oh my!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

[Sparky93]

Been there...done that....he's right....Not a joke.

I remember you saying something about a hole in your garage lol, this reminded me of that

[Northern Horseman]

Just so you know, the writer mentions how a horse won't shake you like a dog. My wife the horse trainer of the family, knew a girl that had this happen to her by her own well trained stallion. Somehow she ticked the horse off so it grabbed her by the waist and shook her and threw her ten feet into a wall. I've seen a documentary where a wild stallion approached a new born foal, sniffed it, then graped it and shook it like a rag doll, killing it instantly. As far as we know we've never heard of a mare doing this. Don't misunderstand me, mares have been known to bite their trainers or attack new born foals even their own if its a mare suffering postmortem blues. However, instead of grabbing and shacking its victim like a rag doll, they tend to hammer with their teeth.

[Northern Horseman]

I got this from a friend and scanned it into my computer

746574667466

[Wildthang]

Want to hear a dirty joke?




















Rick in a hong:noway:

[Winnie]

Rick's Hong, be he wearing it or otherwise is no joke.

[letslearntogether47]

Heaven and Hell
While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.

In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the
expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time
and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning,

Today, you voted.."

[Winnie]

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

College Essay: Just remember, on tests, B.S. does pay off.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer was so "profound"
that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing with time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell; because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year--"...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you."--and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true; and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

THE STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A" GIVEN

[crashdive123]

TEL AVIV, Israel - The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this nonsense about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: "Attention to all standby passengers - we now have an open seat on flight 2907 to London".

[Sparky93]

TEL AVIV, Israel - The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this nonsense about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: "Attention to all standby passengers - we now have an open seat on flight 2907 to London".

That's great!

[Rick]

Clean up in isle 3!

[wholsomback]

Now thats a great idea,and on the deer ,they really do have an evil side,I've seen it .

[Winter]

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. "Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, in Mobile, and I am callin' to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"
"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"
Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor."
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed that many prisoners."


Never question the fortitude of country folk. :shuriken:

[Sparky93]

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. "Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, in Mobile, and I am callin' to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"
"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"
Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor."
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed that many prisoners."


Never question the fortitude of country folk. :shuriken:

Good one winter, got to send it to Gramps. He'll get a kick out of this one!

[Rick]

So dad, how do you like the new iPad we got you?

http://www.wimp.com/dadipad/

I resemble this is ways I don't even care to discuss.

[crashdive123]

So dad, how do you like the new iPad we got you?

http://www.wimp.com/dadipad/

I resemble this is ways I don't even care to discuss.

Now that right there was funny. I don't care who you are.

[2dumb2kwit]

So dad, how do you like the new iPad we got you?

http://www.wimp.com/dadipad/

I resemble this is ways I don't even care to discuss.

LOL....I gotta steal this one!

[hunter63]

I don't get it??????





(hehehehe)

[Pal334]

COPPER WIRE DISCOVERED
Having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of New York City, New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles , California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside. Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists report a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, a local newspaper in Waynesville, NC reported the following: "After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Crabtree, Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, North Carolina had already gone wireless."

Just makes a person proud to be from North Carolina.

[Rick]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

[Pal334]

Best Blonde Joke
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing..
So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

[Wildthang]

A blonde called the fire department, and was yelling get over here now, my kitchen is on fire, I mean now! The dispatcher said mam we will be on our way in less than 2 minutes, but we need to know where to go and how to get there.
Then she said, " Duh, the big red truck "

[Rick]

Wisdom I've gained the hard way.....

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. The police are pretty good at explaining the difference.

Never trust a guy on the street that asks, "Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

I asked God for a new car, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a car and asked for forgiveness.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

[hunter63]

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Chevy, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her No, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's *** and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...it will be their laugh for the day!

[Pal334]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by sitting or standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.(I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

[Rick]

I hired a kid to do this for me and I'm telling you he is now in great shape.

[Rick]

http://www.guy-sports.com/fun_pictures/bunny_butt_hurts.jpg


Hope you had a great Easter!

[Rick]

http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/HLS.jpg

[natertot]

Ben and Colin are two elderly gentlemen who live in New York State who love going fishing together. They decide to do some 'ice fishing'. Since neither have experienced it before, Ben suggests that going north into Canada might be a good idea and Colin agrees so off they go. On arrival they find the lake is frozen nicely.

They stop just before they get to the lake at a little local bait shop and buy all their tackle. Colin comments, 'Hey, Ben, we're going to need an ice pick.'

So they purchase that and stride to the lake. After about two hours, Colin returns to the bait shop saying, 'We're going to need another dozen ice picks.'

The shopkeeper is surprised and wants to ask some questions, but he doesn't. He sells the fisherman the picks, and the old boy leaves.

About an hour later hour, Ben arrives at the shop, 'We're going to need all the ice picks you've got.' The bait man can't stand it any longer. 'Say man,' he asks, 'how are you two fellows doing?'

'Not very well at all,' mutters an irritated Ben, 'We haven't even got the boat in the water yet.'

[crashdive123]

Here is a TRUE anecdote about Neil Armstrong...

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual communication traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made this remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

True story.


Yes, I know it is not a true story - still pretty funny.

[hunter63]

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE or HAVE HAD PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY. FOR THOSE WHO DON'T HAVE OR HAVE NEVER HAD PETS, IT IS STILL A TRUE STORY.

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle,
I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butts. I cannot stress this enough.....
One more thing, staring at me while I eat to try to direct my mind to give you my food will not work (usually). I am too old and too tired. Go stare at the kids. They are younger and more susceptible to mind control. If you don't believe me, notice how they all dress alike so they can be individuals.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are
short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children!

[Sparky93]

http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/525588_338258309560630_186592251393904_875807_2052 524901_n.jpg

[Sparky93]

http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/575904_334128636640264_186592251393904_868552_1277 164319_n.jpg

[Sparky93]

http://a5.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/552282_331191370267324_186592251393904_860430_4681 3401_n.jpg

[Sparky93]

http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/425589_301710056548789_186592251393904_786730_1997 604787_n.jpg

[Sparky93]

http://a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/404818_298122473574214_186592251393904_778622_8972 38172_n.jpg

[Sparky93]

http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/409406_279660855420376_186592251393904_735544_6871 52032_n.jpg

[Sparky93]

http://youtu.be/FbEieKQ27NI

[crashdive123]

https://encrypted-tbn1.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTjHoFM871-T4LC1mzZELqmdEV84hV8MTfeWv-EltPd2qCU5LIl

[hunter63]

That's just spooky.......LOL

[Darkevs]

Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.



A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'



I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.

I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.



I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.



Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.

In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.



Then, in the evening , I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.



The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result'.

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.



MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.



After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.



The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.



At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts; the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.



Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.



When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.



Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.



There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.



'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time; the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.



I have no idea! Really! I slept through it! One moment, ABBA was yelling, 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.



Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.



ABOUT THE WRITER

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:



1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'



2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'



3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'



4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'



5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'



6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'



7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'



8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'



9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'



10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'



11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'



12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'



And the best one of all.



13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[nell67]

This is not funny,BUT,it is true

http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/s320x320/548371_10150787443196062_719791061_11681500_158839 0202_n.jpg (http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10150787443196062&set=a.409953971061.206948.719791061&type=1&ref=nf)Wall Photos (http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.409953971061.206948.719791061&type=3)
Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys. When it killed the turk...eys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back.
It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow coloring and sold it to people to use in place of butter. How do you like it? They have come out with some clever new flavorings....

DO YOU KNOW.. The difference between margarine and butter?
Read on to the end...gets very interesting!

Both have the same amount of calories.

Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams; compared to5 grams for margarine.

Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.

Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods.
Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few and only because they are added!
Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods.

Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years.

And now, for Margarine..
Very High in Trans fatty acids.
Triples risk of coronary heart disease ...
Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol)

Increases the risk of cancers up to five times..

Lowers quality of breast milk

Decreases immune response.

Decreases insulin response.

And here's the most disturbing fact... HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY INTERESTING!

Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC... and shares 27 ingredients with PAINT

These facts alone were enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance).

Open a tub of margarine and leave it open in your garage or shaded area. Within a couple of days you will notice a couple of things:

* no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something)

* it does not rot or smell differently because it has no value ; nothing will grow on it. Even those teeny weeny micro-organisms will not a find a home to grow. Why? Because it is nearly plastic. Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?

Share This With Your Friends.....(If you want to butter them up')!

Chinese Proverb:

When someone shares something of value with you and you benefit from it, you have a moral obligation to share it with others.

Pass the BUTTER PLEASE

[Pal334]

Subject: Counseling



After 40+ years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"



"Well, I can drop her off on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf."

[Rick]

An old man and woman were sitting in rockers on the porch. The old woman gets up, walks over to the the old man and knocks him out of the rocker. He picks himself and the rocker up, rubs his jaw a bit and sits back down.

"What was that for?" he asked.
"Forty years of bad sex," she replied.

After a moment the old man gets up, walks over to the old woman and knocks her out of the rocker. She picks herself and the rocker up, rubs her jaw a bit and sits back down.

"What was that for?" she asked.
He replied, "Knowin' the difference."

[Rick]

My goofy neighbor let his grass get a little tall and he was out there this afternoon cutting it. In the process he ran into a cat that was hiding in the grass and cut it's tail off. He came running over all out of breath trying to tell me what happened.

"Slow down," I said. "What happened?"
"I ran over a cat with the lawn mower and cut it's tail off!!!!! What should I do?"
I told him, "Take it to Walmart."
"What? Why on earth would I take it to Walmart?!"
"Because they are the ........ are you ready?.......wait for it.......largest retailer on the planet."

(I slay myself. I really do)

[Pal334]

Working on Ricks commitment papers, D**n where is Ken when you need him? :)

[crashdive123]

He's probably chasing some ambulance.

Sorry ---- I saw that neither 2D or the mule was on line and felt it necessary to take up the slack.

[Rick]

Now I have to move the post.....sad. Really sad.

[wtrfwlr]

Now I have to move the post.....sad. Really sad.
Post? Are you talking about the whipping post?

[crashdive123]

Post? Are you talking about the whipping post?

It's a long story. I'll be brief. We've got two members (Ken and 2dumb2kwit) that tend to "go after" each other. Both are rather busy with work lately, but when they were at their height...well, it was necessary to move their posts to a very special place. http://www.wilderness-survival.net/forums/showthread.php?8560-The-Official-2D2K-VS-Ken-Thread&highlight=2d2k

[2dumb2kwit]

It's a long story. I'll be brief. We've got two members (Ken and 2dumb2kwit) that tend to "go after" each other. Both are rather busy with work lately, but when they were at their height...well, it was necessary to move their posts to a very special place. http://www.wilderness-survival.net/forums/showthread.php?8560-The-Official-2D2K-VS-Ken-Thread&highlight=2d2k

Kens height is nowhere near my height.

Gnome sayin'?:whistling:

[Rick]

There goes another one.

[2dumb2kwit]

It's O.K. I'll be having a little more computer time on my hands, for a while.

I joined the Rick and crash club. (Right shoulder)

[2dumb2kwit]

It's a long story. I'll be in my briefs. We've got two members (Ken and 2dumb2kwit) that tend to "go after" each other. Both are rather busy with work lately, but when they were at their height...well, it was necessary to move their posts to a very special place. http://www.wilderness-survival.net/forums/showthread.php?8560-The-Official-2D2K-VS-Ken-Thread&highlight=2d2k

I guess it's better than being in a hong. (snicker, snicker)

[crashdive123]

It's O.K. I'll be having a little more computer time on my hands, for a while.

I joined the Rick and crash club. (Right shoulder)

Ouch. Have you adjusted to sleeping in the recliner yet?

[2dumb2kwit]

Ouch. Have you adjusted to sleeping in the recliner yet?

Not completely.....but I have learned, that when the drugs wear off, between 1am and 3am, it helps to have a little snack while you're waiting for the next pill to kick in. It helps kill the time to get back to semi-comfortable. LOL

[crashdive123]

Well - hoping your recovery goes well. When I went through physical therapy all of the therapists were in there 20's and very good looking. There were a couple of guys too, but the girls did the shoulder therapy. I think it was because those going through the shoulder regime were more likely to cuss, and - well - it wouldn't be proper in front of a young girl.

[Rick]

I'll be joining the left shoulder club next week....Not looking forward to the recliner. At all.

Hope you get better there, 2D. Take one pill at 1:00, 2 pills at 2:00, 3 pills at 3:00 with a snack in between each one. Each pill that is. You can never have too much bacon.

Oh, and get a small bell to sit beside the recliner. Ring it any time you need something from your wife. Anything at all.

(This should be fun to watch)

[2dumb2kwit]

Thanks, guys. I'm doing fine. In fact, I've healed enough that if I were to ring that bell, I'd probably have to go see a different doctor. (To have the bell removed.)

Good luck, Rick. I hope your doc doesn't get in their and find an extra hours worth of work to do, like mine did. LOL

[Rick]

If you'd stop carrying that dang Mule you might not have to go through any more surgeries.

[nell67]

Ya know,I just HAVE to ask....WHy is 2Dumbs announcement that he had surery in the joke of the day thread??? I find nothing funny about it at all.... I guess 2d needs ANOTHER special thread.... Get well soon 2d!

My neck is not healing like it should,the bone is not grafting .....

[crashdive123]

Nell - sorry to hear that. Are you going to need a second surgery?

[Rick]

Dang girl. Do a post and give us the low down.

[2dumb2kwit]

Ya know,I just HAVE to ask....WHy is 2Dumbs announcement that he had surery in the joke of the day thread??? I find nothing funny about it at all.... I guess 2d needs ANOTHER special thread.... Get well soon 2d!

My neck is not healing like it should,the bone is not grafting .....

Well...gun info, goes in the gun thread......cooking info goes in the cooking thread.......garden info goes in the garden thread. Where would you put info, about the forums comic relief?

O.K., O.K., I just kinda got side tracked. LOL

Hope your neck gets right, real soon. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. It'd be a shame, for it to fall off!
(Sending some prayers your way.)

[2dumb2kwit]

Ya know,I just HAVE to ask....WHy is 2Dumbs announcement that he had surery in the joke of the day thread??? I find nothing funny about it at all.... I guess 2d needs ANOTHER special thread.... Get well soon 2d!

My neck is not healing like it should,the bone is not grafting .....


That's just because you haven't seen me trying to do things one handed. (Left handed, at that!)
If it were someone else,
I'd be laughing my butt off.

Just so this fits in the joke of the day thread...picture this...

...me, all tied up with my right arm in a sling. (one with a big ol' block of foam in it, so I can't rotate my arm inward.)
O.K....now keep in mind, I can't raise my right arm, so I have cut some of my t-shirts up the right side and under the right arm so I can get them on, just draped over my right shoulder, but with my head and left arm in the shirt correctly.
Now, if you overlap the shirt where it's cut, it kinda covers me up l;ike a normal t-shirt. To keep it overlapped, I need to tuck in the shirt-tail.

Now think about doing this with one hand. I don't know about you, but I can't reach my whole waistline, with my left hand. (All the while trying to keep the two parts on the right side, overlapping)

O.K....now thinking about all that, picture me explaining to my other half, that this is the reason that a pair of kitchin tongs are in front of the bathroom mirror.

How's that for a mental image? LOL

[2dumb2kwit]

Oh, oh, oh.....and have you ever seen a "big" boy try to figure out how to button a pair of jeans, with one hand?

Not to give away all my secrets, but my second attemp involved a piece of para-cord wrapped around the button and pulled through the button hole.:blushing:

[nell67]

That's just because you haven't seen me trying to do things one handed. (Left handed, at that!)
If it were someone else,
I'd be laughing my butt off.

Just so this fits in the joke of the day thread...picture this...

...me, all tied up with my right arm in a sling. (one with a big ol' block of foam in it, so I can't rotate my arm inward.)
O.K....now keep in mind, I can't raise my right arm, so I have cut some of my t-shirts up the right side and under the right arm so I can get them on, just draped over my right shoulder, but with my head and left arm in the shirt correctly.
Now, if you overlap the shirt where it's cut, it kinda covers me up l;ike a normal t-shirt. To keep it overlapped, I need to tuck in the shirt-tail.

Now think about doing this with one hand. I don't know about you, but I can't reach my whole waistline, with my left hand. (All the while trying to keep the two parts on the right side, overlapping)

O.K....now thinking about all that, picture me explaining to my other half, that this is the reason that a pair of kitchin tongs are in front of the bathroom mirror.

How's that for a mental image? LOL

NOw I get it,joke thread,cuz I KNOW you meant tweezers....:)

[nell67]

Oh, oh, oh.....and have you ever seen a "big" boy try to figure out how to button a pair of jeans, with one hand?

Not to give away all my secrets, but my second attemp involved a piece of para-cord wrapped around the button and pulled through the button hole.:blushing:

2d,if that para cord trick didn't work,I will have forever thought it should! ya need one of those old shoe buttoner thingies from back in the day when shoes had buttons,LOL

[2dumb2kwit]

NOw I get it,joke thread,cuz I KNOW you meant tweezers....:)

No! I meant tongs. They were just for the other side of the shirt tail.
As for the other thing, I didn't need tweezers. Lets just say that I found another use for the piece of para-cord. LOL

[Sarge47]

No! I meant tongs. They were just for the other side of the shirt tail.
As for the other thing, I didn't need tweezers. Lets just say that I found another use for the piece of para-cord. LOL

Just make sure you get a hold of the para-cord! :scared:

[Rick]

Now I have this mental picture of 2D turning in circles in the bathroom trying to tuck his shirt in. Too bad he doesn't have a tail like the mule. He could chase that.

[crashdive123]

http://phramick.files.wordpress.com/2008/09/big_headed_tiny_dog_chasing_tail_lg_nwm.gif?w=450

[Rick]

'Zactly. You should try pullin' up your drawers with one hand and getting them buckled. That's survival practice right there. If you get the right side to hang off a hip the left side falls. You go to rescue the left side and the right side gives up. And we won't even talk about typing.

[crashdive123]

I found it easiest to get em up and then lay back on the bed to keep them from having gravity affect the side you wish you were holding.

Of course - gym shorts and sweat pants were a plus.

[2dumb2kwit]

I found it easiest to get em up and then lay back on the bed to keep them from having gravity affect the side you wish you were holding.

Of course - gym shorts and sweat pants were a plus.

My other half is calling those my "big boy pull-ups".:yes:

[2dumb2kwit]

'Zactly. You should try pullin' up your drawers with one hand and getting them buckled. That's survival practice right there. If you get the right side to hang off a hip the left side falls. You go to rescue the left side and the right side gives up. And we won't even talk about typing.

I've been hitting keys that I didn't even know that my keyboard had!

[2dumb2kwit]

.....and the trick to opening a bag of 'tater chips, with one hand, is to lay the bag on the counter and cut the top off with a pair of scissors.:yes:

[BENESSE]

.....and the trick to opening a bag of 'tater chips, with one hand, is to lay the bag on the counter and cut the top off with a pair of scissors.:yes:

Just an idea to hep you out:
you can eat an apple with one hand. :innocent:

[2dumb2kwit]

Just an idea to hep you out:
you can eat an apple with one hand. :innocent:

Same with a pork chop! I talked my other half into fixin' a mess of breaded pork chops, so I'd have plenty of left-overs in the fridge.

It was a great idea, but the supply didn't last anywhere near as long as I had hoped.

[Rick]

One handed oatmeal didn't work so good. Neither did one handed beer.

[Sparky93]

One handed oatmeal didn't work so good. Neither did one handed beer.

If it's not a twist top and you don't have a mounted bottle opener you could give it a quick jerk on the top of a workbench or a table you don't care if it gets nicked up.... not that I would know....

[Rick]

You leave the beer in the bottle? (head slap) That was my mistake. No wonder it was so messy.

[hunter63]

It has come to my attention, after many years of research, the most any vehicle has some where to open a beer......

[Rick]

I was late at a store the other night . . . last customer.

Cute gal at the register said, "strip down, facing me."

You would have thought it would have dawned on me that she was talking about swiping my credit card.

[Sarge47]

I was late at a store the other night . . . last customer.

Cute gal at the register said, "strip down, facing me."

You would have thought it would have dawned on me that she was talking about swiping my credit card.

And what did the police say? :FRlol:

[crashdive123]

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answered given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the agent running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agent. The agent is clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge! Show him your badge!'

[Jay]

I thought this was a pretty good brand name. What do you guys think?:no:
j

[hunter63]

Hey why not....tell it like it is....LOL, I love it.

[Rick]

I don't think the brand name is half as bad as the fact that it is RECYCLED!!!! Yuck! I wonder if the paper is white and brown? That could be confusing.

[BENESSE]

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for
dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to
Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among
them, they could ride their bikes there and Jennie Webster, that cute
girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see
her.

Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where
they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at
Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had
free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and
there were a lot of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at
Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near
their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many
whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain
Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the
waitresses wore tight pants.

Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain
Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a
nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at
Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they
have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at
Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and
the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at
Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there
before.

[kyratshooter]

Guy from Maine reports his wife missing. Three days latter the police show up and knock on the door.

"Sir, I'm sorry but we have some bad news, some good news and some really good news"

"The bad news is your wife went off the road into the ocean and died 3 days ago."

"Well what is the good news then?" the man asks.

"Well sir, when we pulled her out there were 6 snow crabs and 15 lobsters hanging onto her."

"Well what could the really good news be?" the man asked again.

"Well sir, we decided we'll pull her up again tomorrow."

[BENESSE]

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package.
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter". The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the azholes in Washington.

[Rick]

Often it's not about being the fastest or the smartest or the best. Sometimes it's just about having your priorities in order.

Watch to the end....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=gTH0pXZQ5I4

[hunter63]

LOL, LOL, LOL.........Sometimes it's hard to keep Gunner on program, when there has been other male dogs training in the same area.....seems he want to be the TOP dog (on watering a vertical spot).....must be a guy thing.....Thanks, I can relate.

[crashdive123]

How did I know a close up was coming? A dog's gotta do what a dog's gotta do. Yep. That about sums it up.

[Rick]

All that dog needed was Ed McMahon saying....Heeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!

[nell67]

:eek2:8176.....

[hunter63]

Ain't that the truth.....but only if you are serious........(drive a truck...LOL)

[Sarge47]

Illinois vs Wisconsin




Illinois:
The Governor of Illinois is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.
1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi"
and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
... 2. He calls animal control .. Animal Control captures the coyote and
bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the
State $200 testing it for diseases.
4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for
diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game
conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote
awareness program" for residents of the area.
7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat
rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
8 The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.
9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.

Wisconsin :
The Governor of Wisconsin is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the dog.
1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his concealed carry pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
2. The Crows eat the dead coyote.
And that, my friends, is why Illinois is broke and Wisconsin is not.
:thumbup1:

[kyratshooter]

A man comes home from work and walks in the house. He goes to the fridge and finds a note on the door.

"This is not working, I can't take it any more. I've gone home to mother."

The man opens the door and grabs a beer, then mumbles;

"The light works and the beer is cold, what's her problem?"

[hunter63]

Teacher asked the class........Did Noah do a lot of fishing on the ark?

Johnny says, "No he only had two worms....."

[Jay]

82378237 Its a valid question isn't it?

[Jay]

8238::confused1:

[hunter63]

OMG who thinks of these things?.....LOL

[crashdive123]

Jay! Where you been? Hope all is well in your part of the world.

[Ted]

True story. My boys had a new kid from the neighboughhood over to play vid games. The new kid kept say friggen this and friggen that. I do mean friggen not the f-bomb implied. So just about the time I was going to tell the kid to stop it, Toby says "Quit saying friggen all the time you friggen idiot!"

[Jay]

Jay! Where you been? Hope all is well in your part of the world.

Hi Crash. I see you guys are still going strong. I dont go online as much as I used to. I'm doing fine. I am working with a bunch of people from the US and a local university. We are trying to develop a more effective anti venom for snake bite victims in Sri Lanka. I was out most of the past year collecting our top five venomous snakes for the project. we have 150 venomous snakes and we are in the process of extracting and building up stocks of venom. If you google Animal Venom Research International..you can check out our project.

Apart from that...life goes on. Still do a lot of volunteer work with kids. Keeps me fully occupied.

Nice to get back in touch with you guys again. I must try to visit the forum more often.
That's it for now.
Catch u guys later.
Cheers
J

[hunter63]

Hey, Jay,.... if you are in Sri Lanka........Keep an eye open for my cousin....Got an e-mail awhile back saying she was stranded there, and needed me to send her $1200 or so.....sad, she lost her passport, money and is in jail.....and was in bad trouble.

I just sent the e-mail back telling her that I really didn't like her anyway,....Oh yeah,...what the heck you doing in Sri Lanka?, .....and should have been more careful.

Haven't heard back....Hummmm?

[hunter63]

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner

[crashdive123]

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner

He wasn't a fan of restaurant corporatism.:whistling:

[Sarge47]

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner
He's a survivalist! :nod:

[wtrfwlr]

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner
He had a muti-year sponsorship that was negotiated through Warner Bros. He got all that stuff for free, part of the deal. It's all about name brand and product placement. Acme was ahead of it's time! Dodge/Chrysler was in on it with the introduction of the 68' model RoadRunner and the Beep-Beep horn (properly pronounced Meep-Meep) Sweet deal for a Coyote in the 1960's wouldn't you say? A true unsung mastermind that Yote was indeed, albeit skinny and hungry....but hey!

[hunter63]

If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

[Sparky93]

If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

It's simple, they actually died and were in purgatory... It was the precursor for Lost

[natertot]

If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Your stuck on an island with Ginger and Maryanne, do you really want to attain self rescue?!

[Rick]

The professor didn't really invent any of that stuff. Wiley Coyote was actually his nom de plume. He filmed the Roadrunner series while off season from Gilligan's Island. See post 1620. It's a little known fact that he was in the Marines and saved Captain Kangaroo, Fred Rogers, Lee Marvin and much later, in a bizarre twist of fate, Tom Petty.

[Rick]

A husband and wife were sitting in the bar. After a couple of drinks the husband said, "I love you."

The wife responded, "Is that you talking or the beer?"

"It's me talking," replied the husband, "to the beer."

[crashdive123]

There is a factory in Essex which makes Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Shelley is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Shelley surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Shelley.

"I'm sorry" he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday... your job is to give Elmo 'two test tickles'".

[natertot]

Two brothers, ages six and four, woke up one morning and started talking. The six year old tells the four year old that it is about time for them to start cussing. The four year old goes along with it and asks the six year old how they should pull it off. The six year old says when they go downstairs for breakfast that he will say "hell" and that the four year old can say "@$$" The four year old agrees and they head downstairs where their mom asks what they would like for breakfast.

The six year old answers, "What the hell, I'll have the Cheerios". His mom starts yelling and whooping his butt all over the place. She runs him up to his room spanking him all the way. Several minutes later she returns to the kitchen and asks the four year old what he would like for breakfast. The four year old replies, "I'm not sure, but you can bet your @$$ it won't be Cheerios!"

[Sarge47]

A lady supervisor in a factory noticed a new male employee standing around looking lost. She asked if she could help him and he told her that he didn't know where he was supposed to be.

"Well," she asked, "maybe I can help, what's your name?"

"Harry Sexhour." He replied.

What?" She replied, totally aghast, "That can't be right! Let me check!" She ran up three flights of stairs and burst into the personnel manager's office, out of breath. "Sir," she asked, "do we have a Harry Sexhour?"

The manager l;ooked up from his desk and said "Are you kidding? We don't even get a stinking coffee break!" :creepy:

[dragon383]

RETIREMENT:...............my nookie days are over, my pilots light is out, what used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout. time was when of its own accord, from my trousers it would spring, but now i got a full time job to find the blasted thing. it used to be embarresing the way it would behave, for every morning it would, stand and watch me shave. but as my old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues, to see it hang its little head, and watch me tie my shoes.

[Jay]

8450 Some behavior traits are inherited.

[2dumb2kwit]

"Why some men wear earrings"

A farmer was at a diner one day having lunch when he noticed an old friend. What really caught his attention was that this friend was wearing an earring.

The farmer knew his old buddy to be a fairly conservative fellow, and was curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The farmer walked up to him and said, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," the fellow replied sheepishly.

The farmer was silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity got the best of him and he asked "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck," the man replied.

[SHTFMIKE]

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

[SHTFMIKE]

A missionary was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The missionary was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he
hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The missionary is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both..

The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied,
"My bike."

[SHTFMIKE]

There are three couples sitting down for brunch, and having tea.

The first couple are newly weds, and completely love struck.

The second couple has been married for a few years, but they still have a bit of a spicy love life and like to picture themselves as still being young and hip.

The third couple are a salty old couple that have been married for 30 years and been through it all.

The husband that is a newly wed looks across the table and says "pass the honey honey, and his wife blushes and smiles.

The second guy not to be out done looks at his wife and says pass the sugar, sugar, and she adoringly smiles.

The old guy looks at his wife and says "pass the tea...bag".

[SHTFMIKE]

A beautiful picture of the milky way as viewed from Mars

8472

[2dumb2kwit]

One time, this....oh, wait. You said "tasteful" jokes.

Hmmmm......I can't think of any of those. :blushing:

[hunter63]

There are three couples sitting down for brunch, and having tea.

The first couple are newly weds, and completely love struck.

The second couple has been married for a few years, but they still have a bit of a spicy love life and like to picture themselves as still being young and hip.

The third couple are a salty old couple that have been married for 30 years and been through it all.

The husband that is a newly wed looks across the table and says "pass the honey honey, and his wife blushes and smiles.

The second guy not to be out done looks at his wife and says pass the sugar, sugar, and she adoringly smiles.

The old guy looks at his wife and says "pass the tea...bag".


......Then everything went black......

[Rick]

If they can put a man on the moon why can't they put beer in a booby?

[SHTFMIKE]

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but
he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells
him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

[SHTFMIKE]

ROBOT for Sale

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

He asks his son what he did that day.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."

Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mother........

End of Story.

Robot for Sale !

[SHTFMIKE]

A woman has 3 kids.
The first born comes up to her and asks,
"Mommy? Why did you name me Daisy?"
And the mother replies,
"Because when you were born a daisy fell onto your head.
The second of the children asks,
"Mom, why did you name me rose"
And the mother replied,
"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head.
The third child comes up to her and says
"Dur Dur Dur"
And the mother says
"Shut up cinder block!"

[SHTFMIKE]

An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.
The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.
The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"
The English guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".
"Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"
"Sure", Says the Englishman.
The American rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.
The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.
About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.
The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".
The Englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?".

[SHTFMIKE]

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

"A rose?" asked the neighbor.

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

[SHTFMIKE]

A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.

Officer: May i see your licence?

Lady: what does it look like?

Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'

[SHTFMIKE]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

[SHTFMIKE]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

[SHTFMIKE]

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of
him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather
jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so
that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver,
"Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom." The
taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the minister's turn.
He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint
Mary's for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this
cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he
gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached,
people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
__________________

[SHTFMIKE]

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he

didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked,

"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me

a Kiss?"


So she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl...."
__________________

[Rick]

then he threw "her" over the rail.

Just remember, if no witnesses survive then it didn't happen. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

[BENESSE]

SHTFMIKE cleaned up the joke didn't he?

[2dumb2kwit]

SHTFMIKE cleaned up the joke didn't he?

Well, he tried to have a "tasteful joke thread", but his post got moved.
I don't know how that could have happened, because we don't have any mod's that would move a............Hey, wait a minute!!!:blushing:

[SHTFMIKE]

Skinny Dipping...

An elderly man in West Virginia had owned a large farm for several Years. He
had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so He fixed it up nice with picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been
there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring
back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with Glee.... As he
came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.


One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or
make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.

[crashdive123]

My wife and I went to the county fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week!".

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife gave me a healthy jab and said "WOW! That's more than twice a week!! You could learn a lot from him".

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said in capital letters 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'.

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs and said "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one".

I looked at her and said "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow".

I don't remember much about what happened next. My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, I should eventually make a full recovery.

[Canoetripper]

Why do never take one southern Baptist fishing but two is OK?




Because if you just bring one he'll drink all of your beer
If you bring two neither one of them will touch that stuff

Don't get you PANTIES in a knot I'm a southern Baptist!!!!!!!!

[BENESSE]

Why don't S. Baptists have $ex standing up?
They afraid people would think they're dancing.

[Delta 5168]

Why do never take one southern Baptist fishing but two is OK?




Because if you just bring one he'll drink all of your beer
If you bring two neither one of them will touch that stuff

Don't get you PANTIES in a knot I'm a southern Baptist!!!!!!!! ... and everybody knows that were you find four Baptists, you find a fifth!

[Jay]

8508 What did you expect?

[hunter63]

Top 8 for today....

Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your *** tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."

[Daniel Nighteyes]

- - - and as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."

Hey now! I purely resemble that remark!!!

-- Daniel Nighteyes (age 66 and counting)

[Williepete]

In the process of cleaning up e-mails, came across this old saying.


An old West Virginia Hillbilly saying:
“You cannot get the water to clear up until you get the pigs out of the creek.”

Bill

[SHTFMIKE]

Yes he did.

[SHTFMIKE]

SHTFMIKE cleaned up the joke didn't he?

Yes he did.

[SHTFMIKE]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'

[hunter63]

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid. Because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine . . .

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke . . .




"Repaint! Repaint!
And thin no more!"


"Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light.

[hunter63]

Another heartwarming Christmas fable

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre -Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into

hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely

day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

[crashdive123]

Nice.........

[deafdave3]

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 and we don't know where she is.

[Winnie]

Very funny Hunter!

[hunter63]

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 and we don't know where she is.
Minneapolis, MN....That's where my MIL ended up..... Bless her heart.....They keep calling......

[Wildthang]

A blonde caught a grease fire in her kitchen while frying bacon, so she called the fire department. She screamed into the phone " Please come and put this fire out in my kitchen several times", the fire dispatch person said we will be glad to mam, but we need directions, how do we get there.
The blonde then said, " Oh duh, the big red truck "!

[Rick]

One day God was looking down at
earth and saw all of the rascally behavior
that was going on...

So He called His angels and sent
one to earth for a time.

When the angel returned,
he told God,'Yes, it is bad on earth;
95% are misbehaving and only
5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said,
'Maybe I had better send down a second
angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent
her to earth for a time.

When the angel returned she went to
God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth
is in decline; 95% are misbehaving,
but 5% are being good...'
God was not pleased.

So He decided to e-mail the 5%
who were good, because he wanted to
encourage them, and give them a little
something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering,
because I didn't get one either.

[hunter63]

I didn't either....Hummmmm

[crashdive123]

I'd send you my copy, but it says at the bottom
This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are addressed. If you have received this email in error, please notify the system manager. This message contains confidential information and is intended only for the individual named. If you are not the named addressee, you should not disseminate, distribute or copy this email. Please notify the sender immediately by email if you have received this email by mistake and delete this email from your system. If you are not the intended recipient, you are notified that disclosing, copying, distributing or taking any action in reliance on the contents of this information is strictly prohibited.

[Jay]

First Turkey shoot of the season.
8668

[hunter63]

Never underestimate the innovativeness of American Farm Boys:

At a high school in Wisconsin , a group of male students played a prank.
They let three goats loose inside the school.
But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats:
1, 2 and 4.

School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.

Now that's funny, I don't care who you are.....
And you thought there was nothing to do in Wisconsin

[Rick]

Woman Stops Grizzly Attack with .25 Caliber Hand Gun!

This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself? The Beretta Jetfire:

While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of no where. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today! Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took…….the bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection...

http://www.imfdb.org/images/thumb/f/fd/PicB_950_jetfire.jpg/300px-PicB_950_jetfire.jpg

[hunter63]

Yeah that and tennis shoes...I can't out run the bear, but I can out run you.....LOL

[Durtyoleman]

Seniors
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet the store wasn't ready. With only a few shelves set up, one said to the other, I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by , put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling. No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked ,What are you selling here? One of the men replied sarcastically, We're selling as**oles! Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, You're doing well. Only two left.
Seniors--- don't mess with them!

D.O.M.

[Sarge47]

I was just sitting here thinking on some various topics. Finally I thought of an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the groin? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the groin. After some deductive thinking however, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the groin is more painful than having a baby and here is my reason for that conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a man say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the groin." I rest my case.....:detective:

[Durtyoleman]

A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia ."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia , but you're not in the mines anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing..

[Cast-Iron]

An observation appropriately credited to country music entertainer Willie Nelson. (I've tried to sanitize this a bit for a general audience)

"What's the difference between an IRS agent and a prostitute? The prostitute will stop screwing you after you're dead!"

[finallyME]

Never underestimate the innovativeness of American Farm Boys:

At a high school in Wisconsin , a group of male students played a prank.
They let three goats loose inside the school.
But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats:
1, 2 and 4.

School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.

Now that's funny, I don't care who you are.....
And you thought there was nothing to do in Wisconsin

Now that is funny.

[Ken]

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/c0.0.403.403/p403x403/564610_442187192536235_1490022293_n.jpg

[ElevenBravo]

A Texas Ranger attends a party to which he was invited.

A liberal group go up to the Ranger and a lady ask "Are you expecting trouble, Ranger? You have your side arm!"

He says "Well no, if I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my shot gun."

The lady, set aback by the reply but not to be out done ask "Well, why on earth would you carry a 45 anyway?"

He tells her, "Well lady, because they dont make a 46!"

[crashdive123]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said "What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one" replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled "Rose... what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

[Ken]

http://goyogabrooklyn.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/mr-rogers-go-yoga.jpg (http://goyogabrooklyn.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/mr-rogers-go-yoga.jpg)

[Sarge47]

Ken Mellow was shooting pool in a bar with To dumb, when John Kerry came onto the TV. Suddenly Ken stopped what he was doing and stared at the set. Then He started cursing up a blue streak! "That dirty %$#@& owes me $20!" Ken said.

2D stopped and just looked at Ken, "You know Senator Kerry personally?" He asked, I don't believe it!"

"Yeah, I know him, and he still owes me $20 for the lunch we had last month!"

2D's mouth dropped open! There's no way you could possibly know that guy personally!" He said, "And I got a hundred bucks that says so!" Ken just smiled and put down his pool cue and said: "He's flying into the the airport just about now, lets go down and greet him!" So they got into Ken's Gnome mobile and went down to the airport and sure enough, John Kerry was just getting off of the plane. Then he saw Ken and froze.

"Hey Senator!" Ken hollered, "You got the 20 bucks you owe me?" The Senator stopped dead in his tracks and then smiled. "Ken Mello! You old ambulance chaser you! How ya doin?"

"I'd be doing a lot better if you just paid me what you owe me!" Ken replied. Still smiling, Senator Kerry reached into his wallet and pulled out a twenty. "Sure counselor, here ya are; I wouldn''t want to have this winding up in small claims court!" So then Ken and 2D got back into Ken's Gome mobile and headed back to the bar.....(to be continued.)....:yes:

[Sarge47]

Ken and 2D had just got back to the bar when Sam, the bartender called them over to the bar. "Didya hear? President Obama just arrived at his hotel downtown, he's handing out medals to the cops what brought that 2nd bomber in alive!"

Ken turned livid! "Yeah, and him and I even went to collage together, and now he's crapping all over the Constitution!"

2D turned and glared at Ken. "No way!" he sputtered, "I know you don't know President Obama personally!"

Ken looked at 2D. "Yes I do, I don't like him, but I know him!" He responded.

"Okay," 2D said, "I'll bet you another $100, double or nothing!" Ken just smiled and said, "Okay 2 D, to the car!" 2D shook his head and said: "No way am I getting back into that tiny thing, this time we're taking my SUV!" Ken shrugged and off they went!

The got to the hotel just as President Obama was coming out. He took one look at Ken and motioned for his Secret Service agents to surround him. "Protect me boys, that's Ken Mello! Self declared defender of the Constitution and 2nd Amendment for the United States!"

Ken's responses are deleted here in accordance with WSF guidelines regaging political discussions on this site! However, this time 2D forked over $200 to Ken. "Could be worse," 2D said, "It could have been the Pope!"

Ken just smiled. "No Way!" 2D exclaimed!" Not the pope! You can't possibly know him!"

"You want to bet a thousand on it?" I got two complimentary plane tickets round trip to Rome!" 2D, living up to his name and not learning anything said: "Your on!"...(to be continued.)....:laugh:

[Sarge47]

Ken and 2D arrived in Rome and headed over to the Catholic building, home of the Pope. Ken said to 2D: "Look, I can go in there but you can't, would you agree that I know him if we come out on the balcony together?' With a sinking feeling in his gut, 2D just nodded. A few minutes later Ken and the Pope appeared on the balcony together, arm in arm!.

2D just looked down at the ground; "Sheesh! Does he know everybody on the planet?" He asked himself. Just then a guy standing next to him nudged him. 2D looked at him and asked: "What?"

"Who's that strange guy up there on the balcony?" the stranger asked."

"That's my friend from Massachusetts, a lawyer by the name of Ken Mello." 2D replied.

"Not Ken, I know him, who's the guy he's with?" the fellow asked. 2D's responses have to be deleted in accordance with the "PG13" requirement.

About that time the Pope turned to Ken and said: "God wants to talk to you for a minute."

Ken just looked at the Pope and said: "Tell Him to make an appointment like everybody else!"....:scared:

[Ken]

Sarge? Did you change my last post? I can't remember what I posted, but it wasn't a picture of Mr. Rogers. Hmmmmm.

[Sarge47]

Sarge? Did you change my last post? I can't remember what I posted, but it wasn't a picture of Mr. Rogers. Hmmmmm.

Not me, besides, who's mr. Rodgers? Isn't he dead?....:shifty:

[Rick]

I ran across this ditty today. I remember it as a school yard yarn we used to spin as a kid. Perhaps some of you remember it too. It brought back some memories.

"One fine day in the middle of the night"


One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight,
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other,
One was blind and the other couldn't see
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play,
A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"
A paralysed donkey passing by,
Kicked the blind man in the eye,
Knocked him through a nine inch wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all,
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came to arrest the two dead boys,
If you don't believe this story’s true,
Ask the blind man he saw it too!

[Ken]

Rick? Why did 2dumb kick the blind guy in the eye?

[Sarge47]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?....:sneaky2:

[crashdive123]

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California.

The Captain gets on the loud-speaker and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America! To reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."

The entire crew of the destroyer doubled over in laughter.

When the captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-speaker and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The other 20 million are already there!"

[crashdive123]

When was the last time you called to order pizza?

http://www.aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf

[Rick]

Oh! You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why:
The NSA is watching you today.
They are making a list,
They're checking it twice,
They already know who's naughty or nice.
The NSA is watching you today.
They see you when you're sleeping,
They know when you're awake.
They know if you've been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake!
You better watch out, You better not cry
You better not pout, I'm Telling you why.
The NSA is watching you today.

[Sarge47]

A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something a little more special.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, ‘There’s no money in that account.’
‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’

See…….Not All Seniors Are Senile

[Sarge47]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

[crashdive123]

John hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him move faster.”

[crashdive123]

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland in Washington.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local emergency room to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?”

He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a “recreational area” so close to a waste treatment facility.

I’m sorry, but due to Obamacare they turned you down.”

[mh89]

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland in Washington.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local emergency room to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?”

He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a “recreational area” so close to a waste treatment facility.

I’m sorry, but due to Obamacare they turned you down.”

LOL!!!! Hilarious

I've been trying to create a new version of the child's game "operation". So far the best name I have come up with is "operation: the obama care edition" lol

[Rick]

If that's the case just place a drawing of a human on the game board with no way to treat it's injuries and force people to purchase it at an inflated price. You'll pretty much have it.

[finallyME]

At the end of a long line for train tickets were a random woman and a random man. When they got to the ticket counter the salesman said that there were only two sleepers left on the train and that they were in the same room. He could sell them the tickets but they would have to sleep in the same room. They each agreed and bought a ticket.

The man graciously offered to sleep in the top bunk and, as it was already late, they each climbed into they're beds.

After a couple of minutes the man said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you mind handing me a blanket from the closet?"

The woman replied. "I tell you what, how about just for tonight we pretend to be husband and wife?"

The man got excited and said, "That sounds great."

The woman then said..., "Great, get your own damn blanket."

So the man, disappointed, rolled over, farted, and went to sleep.

[finallyME]

The cops came to my door and told me my dog was chasing a kid down the street on a bike. I told them my dog doesn't have a bike and went back inside.

[finallyME]

So, these four guys had, for years, taken a weeklong backpacking trip every year. This year, Fred had some bad news for his buddies: "My wife says 20 years of these trips is long enough, and that if I waste another week of vacation on one this year, we're finished. So, I guess I won't be going."

The other three were disappointed, to say the least, but went on the trip without Fred. When they arrived at the trailhead, there was Fred, pack on his back and poles in his hand!

"What happened? How come you're here?" they asked.

"Well," said Fred, "my wife was reading Fifty Shades of Gray. One night, she pulled me into the bedroom and pointed to some ropes and handcuffs on the bed. She told me to tie her to the bed, so I did. The she told me to do whatever I wanted."

"And here I am!"

[finallyME]

There was an engineering student walking through the quad and seeing his fellow engineering student on a bike. He asks, "where did you get that bike." His friend reply's, "I was walking along and this cheerleader rides up to me, throws down the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says 'take what you want'."

"Good choice," his friend reply's, "I doubt the clothes would have fit you."

[finallyME]

I went out the other night and did something I seldom do. I had a few drinks too many. Then I did something I never did before. I took a cab home. Sure enough, there was a DWI checkpoint. Since I was in a cab they waved me through. I didn't know they did that.

The problem is, now I have a yellow cab in my garage and I can't remember where I left my car.

[finallyME]

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[Ken]

https://sphotos-a-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1234421_506686252748032_1415048846_n.jpg

[Rick]

Three tomatoes were walking down the street. Daddy tomato, Mommy tomato and little baby tomato.

Baby tomato kept falling farther and farther behind. Finally, daddy tomato stopped, walked back to baby tomato raised one foot and squished him.

"Ketchup!"

[Ken]

Don't come out of retirement.

[Rick]

Sir! I will have you know that very joke was told on one of the premiere movies of all time - Pulp Fiction. If it's good enough for the big screen it's good enough for the riff raff that hang around here.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrGeOHpEGk0 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrGeOHpEGk0)

[hunter63]

Sir! I will have you know that very joke was told on one of the premiere movies of all time - Pulp Fiction. If it's good enough for the big screen it's good enough for the riff raff that hang around here.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrGeOHpEGk0 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrGeOHpEGk0)

Now THAT was the finest obscure reference I have ever heard of or seen.....Bravo!

[Sarge47]

Sir! I will have you know that very joke was told on one of the premiere movies of all time - Pulp Fiction. If it's good enough for the big screen it's good enough for the riff raff that hang around here.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrGeOHpEGk0 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrGeOHpEGk0)

Now Ken you should know that Rick only steals from the best!...:devil2:

[Ken]

:pinch: It's a darn good thing that we don't get charged for the humor around here.

[Rick]

Well, based on the humor the price of admission would be very low. That's a good thing, right? Of course, right now it's free. Just sayin'......

[BENESSE]

A man owned a small farm in Kansas.
The Kansas Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

” Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $700.00 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500.00 per week plus free room and board.

Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $100.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to — the half-wit,” says the agent.

“That would be me,” replied the farmer.

[1stimestar]

A woman places an ad in the paper.

HUSBAND WANTED:...
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70′s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, ‘You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…you have no legs!
The old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I cannot run around on you!’
She snorted. ‘You don’t have any arms either!’
Again, the old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I can never beat you!’
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, ‘Are you still good in bed???’
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
‘Rang the doorbell didn’t I?’

[BENESSE]

How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

[BENESSE]

What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

[tsitenha]

Hey I resemble that remark.....finally someone appreciates me

Thank you, Thank you kindly :)

[Beo]

A skeleton walks into a bar and says "Gimme a beer and a mop!" Hahaha

[crashdive123]

Two hours into my first day of work as a Wal-Mart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids. Hearing her swear at them, I said, 'Good morning, welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice kids, are they twins?' The mom answered, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?' I replied, 'I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work!

[nell67]

The customer reviews are hilarious! http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00012182G/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00012182G&linkCode=as2&tag=greatsoluti0a-20

[crashdive123]

I'm sure Amazon is thrilled.

[Rick]

"I'm a covertarian. I just eat egg shells, animal hides, nut shells, corn husks, wheat chaf, brown rice hulls, and other coverings. The fresh whole bunny would be a waste since, at least according to one review, it doesn't come with the hide."

The next time some proudly proclaims they are vegan (like I give a whoop) this is going to be my retort. This is simply brilliant.

[Rick]

No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, and attended by some of the best linguistics in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese was the clever winner.

His final challenge was this. Some say there is no difference between "complete" and "finished." Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand. His response was:

When you marry the right woman, you are "complete." If you marry the wrong woman, you are "finished." And, when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are "completely finished."

[nell67]

(http://299days.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/shotgun-for-home-defense-400x266.jpg)

“I’ll come to your place when SHTF” – no you won’tby GLEN TATE on OCTOBER 22, 2013

(This post is something you can send to your friends or print out and hand to them when SHTF.)
Dear Friend:
I love my friends, but I will shoot you if I have to. I’m serious. Here’s why.
I tried to persuade you to prepare for what’s coming and, in the process, revealed that to you that I’m preparing. You realized that I have food, guns, etc., and ended up saying, half kidding but half serious, “I’ll come to your place when SHTF.”
No you won’t. I will shoot you. If you threaten me and my family, I will use force to defend against any threat. And showing up at my place hungry and unprepared is a threat to me. You will eat my food and use up my medical supplies, generator, firewood, etc. That’s less of these life-saving things for me and my family. That’s a threat.
Is this greed on my part? No. I will take care of the truly needy – those who cannot take care of themselves. But you are different. Very different. You had plenty of chances to prepare for yourself.
But what did you do? You spent the weekends watching football, went on expensive vacations, and never made your spouse mad at you with your “crazy” ideas that something bad was happening. You didn’t do **** because… you would just come to my place. Problem solved, right? You didn’t need to spend time, money, and create domestic strife because I did that all for you.
Not. Why should I spend my time, money, and stress just so you can waltz into my place and live happily ever after? I’m a nice guy, but – really? – I’m going to spend my (very limited) free time, disposable income, and domestic tranquility just so you can have a leisurely life and more material comforts pre-Collapse while I don’t?
Why do you think I will sacrifice enormous amounts of my time and money so you can enjoy yourself while I’m slaving away? Would you assume you could come over and leave your broken car at my house? That I would just spend thousands of dollars on parts and several weekends fixing it and then hand it over to you with a smile – just because I’m a “good guy”? Would anyone expect that?
You do, apparently. You actually expect to waltz over to my cabin and receive – with a smile – thousands of dollars of food and other supplies that took me all my weekends to acquire and store.
So, my grasshopper friend (as in the story of the grasshopper and the ant), here is your official warning: if your “plan” for your and your family’s safety is to come to my place, you’re wrong. When you show up, I’ll ask you to leave. When you don’t, I’ll point a gun in your face. If you refuse to leave, I will shoot you. You are a threat to me.
You had years of time and very clear warnings to get ready. But you didn’t. Hey, I love football but haven’t been able to watch a game in a few years; I’ve been fixing up the cabin, buying supplies, and training with the Team. I spent a lot of money doing all these things so I haven’t gone on a long vacation in… forever. I have had several difficult times with my wife because of all the prepping I’m doing; I could have easily done what you did, which is just say “Yes, dear” and not prepare because she didn’t want you to.
I hope this message jolted you. There’s still some time. Go prep. Please understand that your plan cannot be “I’ll come to your place.” I don’t want to shoot you.
http://299days.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/shotgun-for-home-defense-400x266-300x199.jpg (http://299days.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/shotgun-for-home-defense-400x266.jpg)

[hunter63]

....and that, my friends is No Joke.

[hunter63]

Guy finds an old lamp.......and of course he rubs it and a Genie appears.
Genie says, " I will grant you three wishes.....but remember your ex-wife will get double of what ever you wish for.

So the guy agrees and says," I want a mansion...poof he gets a mansion, DXW gets two...
Second wish, "I want a million dollars".....poof he gets a million dollars....DXW gets two...

After thinking long and hard for his third wish.......he says, "I want you to scare me half to death"


Thank you Kathy Lee Gifford.

[hunter63]

Why does this seem to ring so true.......
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y139/hunter63/latest%20down%20loads/32144_zps19dfe82b.jpg (http://s4.photobucket.com/user/hunter63/media/latest%20down%20loads/32144_zps19dfe82b.jpg.html)

[Wildthang]

Anybody want to hear a dirty Joke?



































Rick fell into a mud hole:smartass:

[Ken]

https://scontent-b-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/p320x320/564073_594427183936197_627397188_n.jpg

[Rick]

I don't get it. It wasn't funny then and it's not funny now. I didn't even have shoes to walk through that snow!!

[Ken]

I don't get it. It wasn't funny then and it's not funny now. I didn't even have shoes to walk through that snow!!

I guess I was lucky. I had boots. See?

http://www.onthesharpend.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/High-on-Rainier-via-Disappointment-Cleaver-V.jpg (http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&frm=1&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&docid=b1UbcbXZfki-tM&tbnid=5P2qIQGFltPYiM:&ved=0CAUQjRw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.onthesharpend.com%2F2011%2F09 %2F19%2Fdisappointment-cleaver-mt-rainier-september2011%2Fhigh-on-rainier-via-disappointment-cleaver-v%2F&ei=h1V5Up6MFubMsQTD_oDICA&psig=AFQjCNFT75Oq2QWcT7pFExMCW1KzsMkJwg&ust=1383769366800610)

[hunter63]

Yeah, well ....I had to go home for lunch......

[crashdive123]

You got lunch?

I had to make the walk to do my chores.

[hunter63]

You had chores?......we were too poor, had to borrow chores, then bring them back when we were done.

[Sarge47]

When I was a kid we had to walk all the way across the living room just to change the channel on the TV!....:innocent:

[hunter63]

OMG....and I suppose you had to walk to the kitchen to answer the party line phone.......The horror!

[Ken]

......we were too poor, had to borrow chores.

Pfffft. We had it worse. We worked for the hunter63 family.

[Ken]

When I was a kid we had to walk all the way across the living room just to change the channel on the TV!....:innocent:

We had rabbit ears on the TV, so all we had to do was stomp on the floor to change channels.

So..... do any of you (besides Rick, of course, because TV hadn't been invented yet) remember these?

http://anitaburns.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/rabbit-ears.png (http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&frm=1&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&docid=9ZEFU7Arp_vmEM&tbnid=7pThAhoZZ0VzyM:&ved=0CAUQjRw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fanitaburns.wordpress.com%2F2010%2 F06%2F17%2Fthe-jetsons%2F&ei=OnN5UrjRBczhsAStkYDYBg&psig=AFQjCNFdK05j0ZKZkfY7DcJ-uxzIyezRMw&ust=1383777453718106)

[Rick]

Heck, I'm so old we had to use these...

http://www.visualphotos.com/photo/2x3067990/close-up_of_rabbit_ears_IS347-055.jpg (http://www.visualphotos.com/photo/2x3067990/close-up_of_rabbit_ears_IS347-055.jpg)

We were so poor...

One day I was kicking a can down the street and a fella asked me what I was doin'. I told him, "Movin'."
I couldn't even afford to pay attention.
The homeless guy offered us a handout.
The bank came and repossessed the calendar they gave us at the county fair.
We were just PO because we couldn't afford the OR.
Dinner out for us was going to the KFC and licking other peoples fingers.
The only thing you saw on our kitchen table was elbows.
When we did have food we'd have water for breakfast, peas for lunch and just swell up for dinner.

We was poor.

[Rick]

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

[hunter63]

Got this one in an E-mail today....but I can relate.....


What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the junk? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the junk.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the junk is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the junk." I rest my case.

Time for another beer.

[Rick]

http://i348.photobucket.com/albums/q348/safe_zone/2f70b659-8f0a-46ef-9d64-d7073627ea66_zps569d7c85.jpg (http://s348.photobucket.com/user/safe_zone/media/2f70b659-8f0a-46ef-9d64-d7073627ea66_zps569d7c85.jpg.html)

The other day my wife and I were walking down the street and I happened to spy this amazing sight. Of course, I grabbed my cell phone and snapped a picture. My wife punched me in the arm and I asked her what she did that for. She demanded to know why I felt compelled to take the picture. I showed her the photo and told her it's not every day you see a dog driving a car.

[hunter63]

What dog.....?

[M.Demetrius]

A skydiver jumps from the plane on his first solo jump. After a while, he pulls the ripcord. It detaches and he is looking at the D ring in his hand.
Alarmed, he pulls the reserve chute ripcord. Nothing happens. As he's spread eagle falling toward the ground, a woman comes flying straight up past him.
"Hey," he shouts, "Do you know anything about parachutes?"
"No, sorry," she replies, "Do you know anything about lighting a gas water heater?"

[finallyME]

When I was a kid we had to walk all the way across the living room just to change the channel on the TV!....:innocent:

I did that too. But, there was a set of channel locks on the tv so that we could turn the shaft that used to have a knob.