A woman has 3 kids.
The first born comes up to her and asks,
"Mommy? Why did you name me Daisy?"
And the mother replies,
"Because when you were born a daisy fell onto your head.
The second of the children asks,
"Mom, why did you name me rose"
And the mother replied,
"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head.
The third child comes up to her and says
"Dur Dur Dur"
And the mother says
"Shut up cinder block!"
An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.
The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.
The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"
The English guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".
"Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"
"Sure", Says the Englishman.
The American rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.
The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.
About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.
The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".
The Englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?".
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"
"A rose?" asked the neighbor.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"
A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.
Officer: May i see your licence?
Lady: what does it look like?
Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.
The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”
Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”
And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of
him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather
jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so
that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver,
"Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom." The
taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it's the minister's turn.
He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint
Mary's for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this
cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he
gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached,
people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
__________________
A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he
didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked,
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me
a Kiss?"
So she does.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl...."
__________________
then he threw "her" over the rail.
Just remember, if no witnesses survive then it didn't happen. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.
Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.
SHTFMIKE cleaned up the joke didn't he?
Well, he tried to have a "tasteful joke thread", but his post got moved.Originally Posted by BENESSE
I don't know how that could have happened, because we don't have any mod's that would move a............Hey, wait a minute!!!
Writer of wrongs.
Honey, just cuz I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid. (Jake- Sweet Home Alabama)
"Stop Global Whining"
Skinny Dipping...
An elderly man in West Virginia had owned a large farm for several Years. He
had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so He fixed it up nice with picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been
there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring
back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with Glee.... As he
came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or
make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.
My wife and I went to the county fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week!".
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife gave me a healthy jab and said "WOW! That's more than twice a week!! You could learn a lot from him".
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said in capital letters 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'.
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs and said "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one".
I looked at her and said "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow".
I don't remember much about what happened next. My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, I should eventually make a full recovery.
Why do never take one southern Baptist fishing but two is OK?
Because if you just bring one he'll drink all of your beer
If you bring two neither one of them will touch that stuff
Don't get you PANTIES in a knot I'm a southern Baptist!!!!!!!!
Last edited by Canoetripper; 11-08-2012 at 08:38 PM.
Speaking of Sothern Baptists...
Why don't S. Baptists have $ex standing up?
They afraid people would think they're dancing.
... and everybody knows that were you find four Baptists, you find a fifth!
4 naked chicks in a hot tub!
4 naked chicks.jpg What did you expect?
Walk softly upon the earth!
Top 8 for today....
Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 6
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your *** tomorrow.
- - - and as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."
Geezer Squad....Charter Member #1
Evoking the 50 year old rule...
First 50 years...worried about the small stuff...second 50 years....Not so much
Member Wahoo Killer knives club....#27
Hey now! I purely resemble that remark!!!
-- Daniel Nighteyes (age 66 and counting)
In the process of cleaning up e-mails, came across this old saying.
An old West Virginia Hillbilly saying:
“You cannot get the water to clear up until you get the pigs out of the creek.”
Bill
NRA Life Patron Member
Southern Indiana Rifle and Pistol Club
K9GDG
Every time an older person dies, its like burning a full set of encyclopedias that will never be published again. So, if you ever want to learn more of anything, just find a old tradesman and hang out with him and then when he passes on, not the full set will burn, you'll have parts of it to pass on to others.
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