The Funny Thread

[crashdive123]

There was a traveling salesman whose car broke down just in front of this farm house...no wait can't tell that one here.

Suffering from a dad case of the flu, a man phoned his doctor to get an appointment. When the receptionist informed him of the wait, he became outraged and bellowed, "Three weeks? The doctor can't see me for three weeks? I could well be dead by then!"

Calmly, the receptionist replied, "If so, please have your wife call to cancel the appointment."

[Rick]

Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland.

And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw?????

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.......

A COMMON TATER

[trax]

Good thing she didn't know about Hitler, or Saddam, or Marcos or Idi Amin, cuz those guys were all Dick Taters.

[Rick]

(tears up pages of jokes, tosses them in the air and walks away).

[trax]

(tears up pages of jokes, tosses them in the air and walks away).

You started it

[Assassin Pilot]

I liked the old guy joke Rick. That left me laughing after I got it.



Believe it or not...this is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995. (That is actually a lie, it never happened but is said for entertainment purposes)

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.

CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA*, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!

CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[Rick]

A mathematician is hiking through the Scottish highlands. One day he meets a shepherd with a large flock of sheep.

"How much for one of your sheep ?" He asks"

They are not for sale" replied the shepherd.

The mathematician ponders on this for a moment then says, "I will tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock without counting them,if I am right I think I would deserve one of your sheep"

The Shepherd said, "OK".

The mathematician says" 387 ".

The shepherd is astounded and tells the mathematician to choose a sheep. The mathematician chooses one then slings it over his shoulder. As he starts to walk away, the shepherd says

"Wait! I will tell you what your profession is. If I'm right you give me the animal back."

"Ok," said the mathematician.

"Your a mathematician said the man.

The mathematician was astounded.

"You're right," He said, "But how did you know?"

"Thats easy," replied the shepherd. "You gave me the precise amount of sheep without counting and then you chose my dog!"

[Assassin Pilot]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and 1 by 1 began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Barbara. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the **** away from Aunt Barbara when she's drinking."

[Proud American]

A homeless man walks into a bar and asks the Bartender for a drink. The bartender looks at the man and says "look, I don't mean to be rude but it dosen't look like you can pay. And if you can't pay then no drink." The Homeless man then says" your right, I can't pay, but if i show you somthin amazing that you've never seen before can I have a drink?" The bartender thinks about it for a moment and says "sure". So the Homeles man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a hamster and sets it on the bar counter, it then scurries across the counter and leaps on to the near by piano(dont ask me why that is there) and begins to play a lively tune. The Bartender is realy inpressed and says,"That desserves a drink",he then pours him up a drink. A litle while laterr the Homeless Man asks for another. The bartender replies"look you either show me somthin amazing,pay me money or no drink". the Homeless man thinks about it and says"I do have one last thing".He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a frog and sets it on the counter. The frog then begins to sing a beutiful song, after its finished the Bartender says " that desserves another drink" and pours him up another. A buissnes man who has been watchin the whole thing comes up to the homeless man and says, "Ill give you 400$ for the frog". The Homeles man thinks about it for a litle while and agrees. The buisness man quickly counts out 400$ grabs the frog and runs out the door. The Bartender looks at the homeless man and say"You idiot that frogs worth millions". To wich the homeless man replies "the frogs nothin, the hamsters a ventriloquist"

I know a litle long

[crashdive123]

A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[trax]

A guy is standing on a street corner just waiting for a cross signal and this huge Rottweiler comes up and jumps on the guy and starts humping his leg.

The guy yells, "Hey! Quit that!"

The Rottweiler looks up and says "GRRRRRRRR"

The guy says, "well, hurry up then"

[Tony uk]

What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a head but never weeps, has a bed but never sleeps?

[Rick]

A river? .....

[nell67]

What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a head but never weeps, has a bed but never sleeps?

Tony UK???????

[Beo]

Tony is it Remy

[nell67]

I still think it's Tony.

[Tony uk]

A river? .....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHAT, NEVER AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

yes..............

[Tony uk]

NEXT ONE RICKY

What question can you never answer

[Rick]

That's the only question I can't answer but I can't answer it because if I did then I would have an answer but I guess I just did so none.

[Tony uk]

That's the only question I can't answer but I can't answer it because if I did then I would have an answer but I guess I just did so none.

All that, and you still got it wrong, *Evil satisfied grin*