Joke of the day.

[BENESSE]

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The Hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the a$$hole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the a$$hole being the Boss. Promptly, the a$$hole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the a$$hole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the $hit!
Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any a$$hole will do.

[nell67]

(Sniff, Sniff) I just love a happy ending!

That's disgusting you can't actually smell a fart just because someone typed the word,you sir,are SICK...

[Sarge47]

That's disgusting you can't actually smell a fart just because someone typed the word,you sir,are SICK...

...& single, if not before, then certainly after.

[2dumb2kwit]

That's disgusting you can't actually smell a fart just because someone typed the word,you sir,are SICK...

I wasn't trying to smell the fart...I was emotional/crying because of the happy ending!



Sheeezzzz! LOL

[nell67]

I wasn't trying to smell the fart...I was emotional/crying because of the happy ending!



Sheeezzzz! LOL

Yea,yea,guys always give other guys a courtesy sniff when they fart,WHY?

[BENESSE]

Yea,yea,guys always give other guys a courtesy sniff when they fart,WHY?

Guys wouldn't know a fart if it came up and slapped them in the face.
Which it usually does.

[Sourdough]

OK, a funny true story about gas. Told to me by, Moose Moore (aka Moose'Meat Moore) back in the early 70's when Anchorage, AK. was going to high rise buildings. The story: A sweet little old'lady coming home from the grocery store, gets in the elevator alone, and passes gas. The elevator starts to stop, so she grabs a can of air freshener to cover the smell. Into the elevator steps a Old Alaskan Sourdough (not me, I was a newbie in 1970) he sniffs and sniffs. The sourdough Say's, "What's that smell"...? The Old'lady innocently asks, "What smell".......? Sourdough, "Well......it smells like a bear SH!T under a pine tree"........

[Pal334]

These are Memphis , TN 's REAL 911 Calls!


Dispatcher:9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller:I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatchero you havean address?
Caller:No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher:9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Call er: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher:This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher:Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher:9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher:Is this her first child?
Caller: & nbsp; No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is.............
Dispatcher:9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher:Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: !Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher:What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

[Pal334]

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the pope-mobile when he heard a frantic commotion at the edge of the woods.

He found a helpless D****rat wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for O***a hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Re****can loggers wearing Go S**ah shirts came racing up.

One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious D****rat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.

Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their truck. The other tenderly placed the injured D****rat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned the men over to him.

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Re****can loggers and D****rat environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"

"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

[2dumb2kwit]

Priceless!!!

[Old GI]

These are Memphis , TN 's REAL 911 Calls!


Dispatcher:9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller:I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatchero you havean address?
Caller:No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher:9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Call er: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher:This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher:Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher:9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher:Is this her first child?
Caller: & nbsp; No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is.............
Dispatcher:9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher:Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: !Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher:What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Oh yeah. I assure you, there millions of those spread throughout every 911 Call Center or PSAP in the country. Right before I left my EM job, we had a screaming lady call to report the wrong topping on the pizza that was just delivered. And a lot more. If it hasn't been done, I think a book of those would be a best seller or, better yet, a movie.

[Rick]

Yeah, I read one about a lady that called in from a Wendy's drive through because they were out of fries.

[trax]

There's a character in a Carl Hiassen novel "Sick Puppy" who's a hit man and buys tapes of 9-1-1 calls for his own amusement. Anyone wants a good laugh, read this book and the last 9-1-1 call is one of the funniest things I've ever read.

[Rick]

THINGS WE SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T

1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

3. The dot over the letter i is called a 'tittle'.

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. (that makes
my day!)

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

6. 40% of Mc Donald 's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily. (That just answered a lot of questions I had)

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small-sized dog..

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. (The Little Perv)

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.

16. Upper and lower-case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

17. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time, hence, multi-tasking was invented.

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, or silver!
22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (which confirms Coots theory)

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar. (good to know, although I’m not sure why)

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)

27. The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles At that time, the most known player on the market was
the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.. It's the same with apples.

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

32. "Guinness Book of Records" holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it. (I NEED TO REMEMBER THIS.)

34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart. " Boy, I feel
a lot safer now that she's behind bars.O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are
still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman
in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her off to jail

[2dumb2kwit]

Teacher Arrested at Airport

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President;
It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow----

[cowgirlup]

Oh that is great!!!! LOL!!!

[crashdive123]

It's a slow day in a little California Delta town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.....

On this particular day a rich tourist from back East is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local lady of the evening, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.

[Pal334]

The scary part is it seemed to make sense. I better get another cup of coffee

[Pal334]

The Aisle Seat

Two Terrorists boarded a flight out of London .
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off,
wiggled his toes and was settling in when the fellow in the window seat said,
“I need to get up and get a coke.”
“Don't get up,” said the Marine. “I'm in the aisle seat; I'll get it for you.”

As soon as he left, one of the fellows picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the other fellow said,
“That looks good, I'd really like one, too.”

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other fellow picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew immediately what had happened.
He leaned over and asked his neighbors,
“Why does it have to be this way?”

“How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations?
This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pi**ing in cokes?”

THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.

[Sarge47]

Hoo-Ahh!