Joke of the day.

[crashdive123]

I like it....

[laughingbeetle]

An armed society is a polite society...good motto there.

[mountain mama]

A little known fact....


The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

[laughingbeetle]

Snrrttt!! There went the coffee!!

[Rick]

Yeah, but we knew early on what was the MOST important. So there!

[laughingbeetle]

Yeah but if you would think with the bigger brain you would probably get more done!

[Rick]

Man think...

"Who wants to live if your manhood gets injured. Give me that metal cup over there. I'm gonna try something."

"What about your knoggin'?"

"Who cares? I'd rather my knoggin' get busted than...well, you know."

Everyone on team shaking their toothless heads in agreement

Towel Boy: "Hey! Where'd my cup go?"

[laughingbeetle]

Haha!! Why do I see Adam Sandler in there somewhere?

[Pal334]

Not a joke, just humurous: Nothing gets between a GI and his chow

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=7f8_1243707843

[Sarge47]

Excerpt from a diary of a "little-known" Sasquatch hunting expedition:

Day 12: Having gone deep into the Wilderness here in the state of Washington where many "Bigfoot/Sasquatch reports have originated, my partner, William Barrows & myself have had the great good fortune to come across some clear, unmistakenly large footprints; so large in fact, that they can only belong to the fabled Bigfoot who's very existence is the cause of much controversy. We will be following these footprints to where-ever they may take us.

Day 16: There has been nothing of consequence to report until today, when Will & myself found that the trail of footprints has led us to a very large clearing, where many more sets of these footprints have appeared, showing that, in fact, there are many more of these creatures. They lead off in a Northernly direction, into a large Wilderness area. We are "hot on their trail!"

Day 22: I can't believe it! After many days in dense wilderness, we came into a clearing shrouded with tree branches that obscure anyone spotting it from the air. We found many dead Sasquatch bodies strewn all around & moved into the center of the whole mass of dead beasts when William made an astounding discovery: They were not dead, but merely sleeping!
Now, greatly concerned for our own well-being we started to slowly retreat
when I accidently brought my foot down on a dry branch which broke in half, creating a very loud noise in doing so! Immediately every Sasquatch
sat bolt upright, wide awake! Upon seeing us they all lept to their feet & began closing in, snorting and growling in low tones, all the while getting nearer & nearer! Suddenly a young one, smaller than most of the others came right up to us & 1st started sniffing at William rather loudly. He(at least I asumed it was a "he") then did the same thing to me. His reaction startled & at the same time horrified me as he pulled back in such a "cocky manner" with such a "self-satisfied" smirk on his furry face that I knew for certain we were now on the menu! Then he looked at one of the larger ones & said, in clear, recognzable english: "See Mom....I TOLD you they really existed!"

[Ken]

A tough old Montana cowboy once told his grandson that, if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren ... and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

[Ken]

Deer hunters will do anything for a buck.

[Ken]

A taxidermist from Massachusetts decides to take a vacation to Indiana. After arriving, he decides to visit the local watering hole. As he enters the bar he notices all eyes are on him, and there is an uncomfortable feeling in the air. The taxidermist approaches the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. After handing the beer to him the barkeep says, "Don't think I've seen you around here before, where you from and what do you do?" The taxidermist answers, "I'm from Massachusetts and I mount animals." "Oh," the bartender says, "its ok boys, he's one of us!"

[Sarge47]

A taxidermist from Massachusetts decides to take a vacation to Indiana. After arriving, he decides to visit the local watering hole. As he enters the bar he notices all eyes are on him, and there is an uncomfortable feeling in the air. The taxidermist approaches the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. After handing the beer to him the barkeep says, "Don't think I've seen you around here before, where you from and what do you do?" The taxidermist answers, "I'm from Massachusetts and I mount animals." "Oh," the bartender says, "its ok boys, he's one of us!"

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum. Now that's funny, I don't care who you are! Ba-da-boom...He's gonna be here all week folks!

[Sarge47]

A tough old Montana cowboy once told his grandson that, if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren ... and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

[mountain mama]

Dear Mr. Thorne
It has come to our attention through complaints by other tenants in your building that you have a dog in the premises. Under the agreement you signed as part of the Strata, animals are not permitted.
Please call me or email me to discuss this matter as soon as possible.
Yours Sincerely,
Helen Bailey

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.
Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?
Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.
Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?
Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.
Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.
Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
They are very small ducks.
Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?
Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .
Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.
Helen

[Rick]

Oh my gosh! That was hilarious. Thanks for a grand laugh!!

[Sarge47]

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

[Sarge47]

Burgled Blonde
A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She called the police immediately to report the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch.

The sight of the cop and his dog made her shudder. She put her face in her hands as she sat down on the steps and began moaning.

"What's the moaning all about, ma'am?" asked the officer.

The blonde replied: "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!"

[oldsoldier]

Okay sarge no more sheep jokes thaaaaaat laaaaast one waaaaas baaaaaaad!