Muhahaahahahahahaahahahahahaha. Now that was funny.
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Muhahaahahahahahaahahahahahaha. Now that was funny.
Rick - it's arrrrrrrgh that was a good one matey. Sheesh!
Yeah, yeah, that too.
Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Are ya mad?" says Mick,
"Have you seen how many of their owners go blind!?!"
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 AM this morning.
Can you believe that, 2:30 AM!?
Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes.
Thanks. I got a chuckle out of that last one.
The dime store romance novel updated for 2011…
He grasped me firmly but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.
Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.
He approached me soundlessly from behind and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.
"Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down. I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.
I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.
When his hands moved up to my thighs I gave a slight shudder and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding.
I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders and slid them down my tingling spine.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say…
"Okay ma'am, you’re cleared. You can board your flight now."
Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong;
He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.
That, sir, is the truth. And the other side of the coin,
Husband: "Honey, what's wrong?"
Wife: "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you!"
Husband: "Okay."
LOL, so I just spit coffee....be proud!, LOLQuote:
Originally Posted by Rick
I think i figured it out. sex determining chromatids are about pockets and handbags.
upon conception, your standard human is issued a complete x chromosome, one shaped like a y and a piece which looks to be left over, three pockets and a bolt of fabric.
those humans who realize they do not want to be caught without something they might need throughout the course of the day, regardless of it's unknown utility and function err on the side of caution, read the instructions, fashion themselves a handbag and take it with them.
those who can't be bothered to read instructions, or refused to take an interest in fabric arts leave the piece behind in that drawer with all those 'extra' ikea parts and post-rationalize that only weapons, tools and athletic equipment should be carries around in a special bag.
At dawn the telephone rings;
Hello Sinor Rob, this is Ernisto the caretaker at your country house.
Yes Ernisto, what is the problem?
I called to tell you your parrot is dead.
My prize parrot! I paid a fortune for that bird, what killed him?
He died from eating rotten meat sir.
Where did he get rotten meat?
From the dead horse sir, the race horse.
My thoroughbred racehorse, how did he die?
From exhaustion sir, he had to pull much water in the water cart for the putting out of the fire.
What fire!!
The fire that happened when the candle fell over and burned the curtains sir.
There is electricity at the house ernisto, why were candles burning?
They were for the funeral sir. The one we had when your wife died.
My wife is dead? What happened?
She showed up late in the night and I accidentally shot her with your new Kreighoff trap gun.
Silence
Long, Long silence
Ernisto, there better not be a scratch on that gun or you are in big trouble!
Yeah, priorities....LOL
Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!
Know how to keep a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off of his head! :FRlol: :laugh: :stuart:
This is funny but it's not a joke. I'd say it's right on the money:
**********OH MY!*******************
After I came to I removed the link. PG-13 please.....I still feel feint.
I finally went and got a dang cell phone I know how to work!
Attachment 6846
The latest drink craze...
The Bin Laden Martini. Two shots and a splash.
Just what I was gonna say but you beat me to it.Quote:
Originally Posted by BENESSE
Now how about those hong pics of Rick?
I heard a good one today...
One can not apply an engineers approach to dating, women are not fond of large sample sizes....
>>>Public restroom experience. What is this world coming to.
OMG!....I was in in the public toilet - I was barely sitting down
when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?"
Me: embarrassed, "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in
the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!
Once upon a time we were on a rather huge conference call with a number of VPs on board. At one point in the call you could distinctly hear the soud of "water" running then a toilet flush. It got very quiet on the call. One of the VPs finally said, "The proposal may not be a good one but it isn't that bad." Everyone had a muffled chuckle and we finished the call. I don't recall anyone trying that ever again.
As an engineer, I will just say how true that is. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Sparky93
there once was a man from kuntuket, he had a bucket, and then an angry yetti killed him cos no-one likes people from kuntucket
.....it's stupid but i know you laughed -.-
Well - you got it half right. No, I didn't laugh.:innocent:
fine your inner child smiled then >.>
No - not really.
Be REAL Careful what you wish for...
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big *** and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
A man died and went to heaven. He saw a huge wall of clocks behind St. Peter. "Why all the clocks"?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'
'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?' ...............
'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, she never told a lie.'
'Where's President Obama's clock?' asked the man.
Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan
Grandpa and grandson were sitting on the porch steps one brisk autumn afternoon. They were watching the geese fly south.
Grandpa: "Son, do you know why geese fly south in the winter?"
Grandson: "'Cause it's easier than walking?"
Grandpa: "Well, let's go with that. It's better than my answer anyway."
there were 2 men sitting on a bar, it snapped off cause it wasn't attached properly and the both died in a horible car crash that resulted from them plumeting 23 stories above the ground
??????????????Quote:
Originally Posted by Cousin-IT
bar.... i-beam........ your supposed to be amused by my creativity not what i actually said
Epic Fail.
Usually when a joke has to be explained - it loses its humor. In this case however, there was none to begin with.
Learned that from the troop, no doubt. Keeps us young.Quote:
Originally Posted by Rick
That's hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Cousin-IT
Actually, I have a hobby of coming up with phrases that are destined to become part of the lexicon. You'd be surprised how many of today's top performers and avant garde high society types call me wanting the "word of the week". Then again, maybe you wouldn't.Quote:
Originally Posted by Archr
Lexcon????? is that like um...related to the Unicon?Quote:
Originally Posted by Rick