These jokes are hilarious. I have read every single one. This is getting to be a really really long thread. We are starting to repeat jokes!
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These jokes are hilarious. I have read every single one. This is getting to be a really really long thread. We are starting to repeat jokes!
Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ...
Could you help me?" "Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years. The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."
That's what we tell 'em all to say. :innocent:
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
Sergeants' Methods
A group of Sergeants and a group of Officers take a train to a conference. Each Officer holds a ticket. But the entire group of Sergeants has bought only one ticket for a single passenger. The Officers are just shaking their heads and are secretly pleased that the arrogant Sergeants will finally get what they deserve.
Suddenly one of the Sergeants calls out: “The conductor is coming!”. At once, all the Sergeants jump up and squeeze into one of the toilets. The conductor checks the tickets of the Officers. When he notices that the toilet is occupied he knocks on the door and says: “Ticket, please!” One of the Sergeants slides the single ticket under the doors and the conductor continues merrily on his round.
For the return trip the Officers decide to use the same trick. They buy only one ticket for the entire group but they are baffled as they realize that the Sergeants didn’t buy any tickets at all. After a while one of the Sergeants announces again: “The conductor is coming!” Immediately all the Officers race to a toilet and lock themselves in.
All the Sergeants leisurely walk to the other toilet. Before the last Sergeant enters the toilet, he knocks on the toilet occupied by the Officers and says: “Ticket, please!”
And the moral of the story? Officers like to use the methods of the Sergeants, but they don’t really understand them.
What Did Helen Keller's House look like?
You don't know?
Well neither did she.
No offense just wanted to throw this out there.
"What did he write?"
"Well, Helen, it's about you."
"What a little darling."
I can't remember but here goes anyway!
Know how Helen Keller burned her ear? From answering the iron! Know how she burned the other one? They called back.
Thanks for this joke goes out to Laura, a blind University student who rode my bus & shared it with me!:)
Did you know Helen Keller had a dog?
Neither did she.
No offense intended.
Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us." After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away. The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried. The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again." "Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!" "Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...
Hush girl, shut your lips
do the Helen Keller
and talk with your hips
Now this is what we call a "groaner".:sneaky2:Quote:
Originally Posted by crashdive123
BLONDE'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP
DEAR DIARY: DAY 1 All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest
dresses and make-up. Really excited.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 2 Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and
dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 3 At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and
hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at
his table for dinner.
Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and
attentive.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 4 Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain
asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal
complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the
night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 5 Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went
inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin
for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have
his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 6 Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice.:sneaky2:
LETTER FROM A FARM KID,
(NOW AT San Diego
MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING.)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beat s working for old man Minch
by a mile . Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are
filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I
like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is
smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch,
mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is
strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but
kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and
other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the
two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til
noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk
much.
We g o on "route marches," which the platoon Sergeant says
are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell
him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our
mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back
in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a school
teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors
and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals
for shooting, I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a
chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the
Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable
and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in
boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they
break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm
about the best they got in this place except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.
I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only
5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your*loving daughter,
Lori
Nice.......
Compulsory BBQ RULES: We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women
Never Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies.
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book?' she replies.
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL : Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
http://www.thedailyquip.com/USRSF.htm
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)
http://www.thedailyquip.com/images/USRSF/USRSF.jpg
These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1.. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
4. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday.
Isn't that the guy with the bumper-sticker on his pick-up that reads: "My other gun is an M-51 Abrahms"?:innocent::sneaky2::cool2:Quote:
Originally Posted by mountain mama
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-03-23, 3:43AM EST
I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend.
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.
I didn't expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside.
You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh?
It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again.
I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation.
I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet.
I threw the wallet in a fancy pink. "pimp mobile" parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cellphone. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service.
I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).
I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky.
- Alex
P.S. Remember this motto...... an armed society is a polite society!
I like it....
An armed society is a polite society...good motto there.
A little known fact....
The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.
Snrrttt!! There went the coffee!! :lol::lol:
Yeah, but we knew early on what was the MOST important. So there!:tt2:
Yeah but if you would think with the bigger brain you would probably get more done! :lol:
Man think...
"Who wants to live if your manhood gets injured. Give me that metal cup over there. I'm gonna try something."
"What about your knoggin'?"
"Who cares? I'd rather my knoggin' get busted than...well, you know."
Everyone on team shaking their toothless heads in agreement
Towel Boy: "Hey! Where'd my cup go?"
Haha!! Why do I see Adam Sandler in there somewhere?
Not a joke, just humurous: Nothing gets between a GI and his chow
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=7f8_1243707843
Excerpt from a diary of a "little-known" Sasquatch hunting expedition:
Day 12: Having gone deep into the Wilderness here in the state of Washington where many "Bigfoot/Sasquatch reports have originated, my partner, William Barrows & myself have had the great good fortune to come across some clear, unmistakenly large footprints; so large in fact, that they can only belong to the fabled Bigfoot who's very existence is the cause of much controversy. We will be following these footprints to where-ever they may take us.
Day 16: There has been nothing of consequence to report until today, when Will & myself found that the trail of footprints has led us to a very large clearing, where many more sets of these footprints have appeared, showing that, in fact, there are many more of these creatures. They lead off in a Northernly direction, into a large Wilderness area. We are "hot on their trail!"
Day 22: I can't believe it! After many days in dense wilderness, we came into a clearing shrouded with tree branches that obscure anyone spotting it from the air. We found many dead Sasquatch bodies strewn all around & moved into the center of the whole mass of dead beasts when William made an astounding discovery: They were not dead, but merely sleeping!
Now, greatly concerned for our own well-being we started to slowly retreat
when I accidently brought my foot down on a dry branch which broke in half, creating a very loud noise in doing so! Immediately every Sasquatch
sat bolt upright, wide awake! Upon seeing us they all lept to their feet & began closing in, snorting and growling in low tones, all the while getting nearer & nearer! Suddenly a young one, smaller than most of the others came right up to us & 1st started sniffing at William rather loudly. He(at least I asumed it was a "he") then did the same thing to me. His reaction startled & at the same time horrified me as he pulled back in such a "cocky manner" with such a "self-satisfied" smirk on his furry face that I knew for certain we were now on the menu! Then he looked at one of the larger ones & said, in clear, recognzable english: "See Mom....I TOLD you they really existed!":innocent::sneaky2::cool2:
A tough old Montana cowboy once told his grandson that, if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren ... and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Deer hunters will do anything for a buck.
A taxidermist from Massachusetts decides to take a vacation to Indiana. After arriving, he decides to visit the local watering hole. As he enters the bar he notices all eyes are on him, and there is an uncomfortable feeling in the air. The taxidermist approaches the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. After handing the beer to him the barkeep says, "Don't think I've seen you around here before, where you from and what do you do?" The taxidermist answers, "I'm from Massachusetts and I mount animals." "Oh," the bartender says, "its ok boys, he's one of us!"
http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/s...aughing025.gif Now that's funny, I don't care who you are! Ba-da-boom...He's gonna be here all week folks!:innocent:Quote:
Originally Posted by Ken
http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/s...violent025.gifQuote:
Originally Posted by Ken
Dear Mr. Thorne
It has come to our attention through complaints by other tenants in your building that you have a dog in the premises. Under the agreement you signed as part of the Strata, animals are not permitted.
Please call me or email me to discuss this matter as soon as possible.
Yours Sincerely,
Helen Bailey
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
They are very small ducks.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.
Helen
Oh my gosh! That was hilarious. Thanks for a grand laugh!!
A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.:innocent:
Burgled Blonde
A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She called the police immediately to report the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch.
The sight of the cop and his dog made her shudder. She put her face in her hands as she sat down on the steps and began moaning.
"What's the moaning all about, ma'am?" asked the officer.
The blonde replied: "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!"
Okay sarge no more sheep jokes thaaaaaat laaaaast one waaaaas baaaaaaad!