Joke of the day.

[Sarge47]

A teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine -- "la maison." "Pencil" ,
however, is masculine -- "le crayon."

French student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into
two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for
themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine
or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for their
recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely
be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. no one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. the native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory
for possible later retrieval; and
4. as soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(No chuckling guys... this gets better!!!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers
should be Masculine (le computer"), because:

1. in order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. they have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. they are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
time they ARE the problem; and
4.as soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had
waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won

[Sarge47]

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a
few drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as
sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body
are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided
we get cable or that dish thing.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our
boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast
relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they
haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner
child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow
old because you stop laughing.

THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the
good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference.

[Pal334]

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC , when he sees a
little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff
of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.




The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion
square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and
the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A
reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most
gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was
behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a
journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the
front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation
do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'



The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings
news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

[Pal334]

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.


The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.


The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know, Then the
sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.


Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.



"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts…



To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said, "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night.
"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.



No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at ' Pearl on a day in December,"
Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of ' Nam ',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.


I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.”
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.
“I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.


I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."



"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."



Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

[Rick]

A tree toad loved a she-toed
who lived up in a tree.

He was a two-toed tree toad,
but a three-toed toad was she.

The tow-toed tree toad tried to win
the three-toed she-toed's heart,

For the two-toed tree toad loved the
ground the three-toed tree toad trod.

The two-toed tree toad tried in
vain to sate her every whim.

From her tree toad bower
with her three-toed power,
the she-toed vetoed him.

[trax]

A little boy was walking to school one day when a passing car drove through a puddle and splashed mud and water all over him.

The little boy thought to himself "I should run home and change into clean, dry clothes, so that the kids won't all laugh at me at school. But, if I do, I'll be late."

Then he thought, "But if I go to school all muddy and wet like this, the other kids will laugh, and I'll probably get sent home anyway."

The little boy was very perplexed and couldn't decide what to do. So, while he was standing there thinking about it, I drove by again and splashed him a second time.

[Sarge47]

Originally Posted by Rick

A tree toad loved a she-toed
who lived up in a tree.

He was a two-toed tree toad,
but a three-toed toad was she.

The tow-toed tree toad tried to win
the three-toed she-toed's heart,

For the two-toed tree toad loved the
ground the three-toed tree toad trod.

The two-toed tree toad tried in
vain to sate her every whim.

From her tree toad bower
with her three-toed power,
the she-toed vetoed him.

Guess he should have "toed the line" huh?

[crashdive123]

Yep. She nailed him.

[Rick]

He's just lucky he didn't croak.

[crashdive123]

Mujibar was trying to get a gob in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar sad, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow, this is Mugibar."

Mujibar now works at a call center. No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

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[Rick]

Oh, man. That is so close to the truth it's scary. I am soooooo tired of calling a support number and have "Pete" answer the phone. Yesterday was a tad refreshing. I spoke with Anjur Baby. At least it was original.

[Pal334]

A USMC sniper was real good at his job, and he had a method. He would yell out some insult at the enemy and when someone stood up to reply, BANG - one less insurgent!

After every mission the company commander would ask "How many insurgents have you shot today?"

However, on this particular day when asked about the number killed, he reported "Five killed and I let one go, sir."

"Let one go?" roared the company commander. "What do you mean, you let one go?"

"Well, sir, I yelled out 'Osama is a H*mo!' Then this big insurgent stood up and yelled 'Hillary is a B***h!' I just couldn't shoot a fellow Republican

[Pal334]

The Chief's Parrot

The old Chief finally retired from the Navy and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his lifelong pet parrot.

First morning at 04:30, the parrot squawked and said, "Off yer hocks and don yer socks. Reveille"

The old chief told the parrot, "We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep."

The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. The old Chief told the parrot, "Look, if you keep this up, I will put you out in the chicken pen."

Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen. About 06:30, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter.

The parrot had about 40 white chickens in formation and on the ground lay 3 bruised and beaten brown ones. The parrot was saying, "By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean Khakis!

[mountain mama]

During a recent password audit at a local company, it was found that a
blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at
least 8 characters long.

[Pal334]

Here's your answer.


Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby…

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his a$$ again!'

[Rick]

Let me get this straight.

We're going to pass a health care plan written by a committee whose
head says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that hasn't
read it but exempts themselves from it, signed by a president that also
hasn't read it, and who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury
chief who didn't pay his taxes, overseen by a surgeon general who is
obese, and financed by a country that's bankrupt.

What possibly could go wrong?

[Camp10]

A man seeking to join a south Texas sheriffs dept. is being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications all look good,but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six liberal democrats and a rabbit." "Why the rabbit?" "That's the attitude we want," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[Pal334]

The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Old GI]

Originally Posted by Rick

Let me get this straight.

We're going to pass a health care plan written by a committee whose
head says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that hasn't
read it but exempts themselves from it, signed by a president that also
hasn't read it, and who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury
chief who didn't pay his taxes, overseen by a surgeon general who is
obese, and financed by a country that's bankrupt.

What possibly could go wrong?

I thought this thread was for jokes?

[Stargazer]

My wife asked me to start decorating the house for christmas.I dont think she is too happy with me.