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Thread: Joke of the day.

  1. #1
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Talking Joke of the day.

    My wife forwarded this from one of her sites & thought the Wolf Pack might enjoy it.

    FW: Did you hear about the two urban survivalists who decided to try duck hunting? They got their dog and equipment, and went out to a place in the woods where they thought the hunting would be good. But after several hours of thrashing through the forest, one fellow said,"I don't know about this. We've been out here all day and haven't caught a single duck, do you think we're doing something wrong?" "I don't know," replied the other. "Maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough."
    Last edited by Sarge47; 06-17-2008 at 10:43 PM. Reason: needed editing.
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sarge47 View Post
    My wife forwarded this from one of her sites & thought the Wolf Pack might enjoy it.

    FW: Did you hear about the two urban survivalists who decided to try duck hunting? They got their dog and equipment, and went out to a place in the woods where they thought the hunting would be good. But after several hours of thrashing through the forest, one fellow said,"I don't know about this. We've been out here all day and haven't caught a single duck, do you think we're doing something wrong?" "I don't know," replied the other. "Maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough."
    Yuk Yuk..

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    Senior Member Riverrat's Avatar
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    oh that is bad, thanks, needed a laugh this morning.

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    Senior Member Ole WV Coot's Avatar
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    Logical, makes sense to me.
    Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he's too old
    to fight... he'll just kill you.

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    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    The problem was that they were using hunting dogs. You can throw Cihuahua's much higher.
    Can't Means Won't

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    missing in action trax's Avatar
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    Yeah, we're all laughing, but is the dog???? Thanks Sarge
    some fella confronted me the other day and asked "What's your problem?" So I told him, "I don't have a problem I am a problem"

  7. #7

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    my turn



    Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government
    official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years.
    You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

    The Chief nodded in agreement.
    The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
    where did the white man go wrong?"

    The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute
    and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians
    running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver,
    Clean Water; women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend
    all day hunting and fishing; all night dancing."

    Then the chief leaned back and smiled.
    "Only white man dumb enough
    think he improve system like that."



    hee hee no offense meant to anyone but i thought i thought it was funny
    Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. Steven Wright (1955 - )

    He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which. Douglas Adams

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    Coming through klkak's Avatar
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    Thats a good one Dragonjimm.
    1. If it's in your kit and you don't know how to use it....It's useless.
    2. If you can't reach your kit when you need it....Its useless.

    Alaska Backcountry Adventure Tours
    www.youralaskavacation.com
    Tell them Kevin sent you!!

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    Default Wilderness Comments

    Wilderness Comments

    These are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
    "A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
    "Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
    "Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
    "Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
    "Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
    "All the mile markers are missing this year."
    "Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
    "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
    "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
    "Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
    "Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
    "The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake.
    Please eradicate these annoying animals."
    "Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
    "Need more signs to keep area pristine."
    "A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."
    "The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
    "Too many rocks in the mountains."

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    If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

    Here's what happened:

    Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me There was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

    'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm Serious, Dad. Can you help?'

    I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards Was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I Immediately knew what to do.

    'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

    'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having Babies.'

    'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

    I was equally outraged.

    'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

    'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

    'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
    Voice, while gritting my teeth).

    'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

    'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

    By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
    The best of it.

    'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle
    Of birth.'

    'Oh, gross!' they shrieked.

    'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

    We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

    'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

    'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

    'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

    'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug it disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

    'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

    'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (you see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

    'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

    'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

    'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy Is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).

    The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

    'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I SUGGESTED SCIENTIFICALLY.

    'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

    I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

    'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

    'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not In labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. and occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . Um . . . Masturbate. Just The way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

    We were silent, absorbing this

    'So, Ernie's just just . . . Excited,' my wife offered.

    'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

    More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

    'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman i married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

    Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

    'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

    'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.

    'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

    Two lizards: $140.

    One cage: $50.

    Trip to the vet: $30.

    Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

    Priceless!

    Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.
    __________________

  11. #11

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    now thats funny. gives a whole new meaning to the phrase," i gotta go drain the lizard".
    A man full of grits is a man full of peace.

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    LMAO!! Was it a gecko? Geckos have insurance ya know..

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    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Talking Sam & Earnie!

    That's (sniff) the most heartwarming(sob) love story I've ever heard since "Brokeback Mountain"!
    SARGE
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    Albert Einstein

    Proud father of a US Marine....SEMPER FI!

    They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
    Benjamin Franklin

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    Senior Member Ole WV Coot's Avatar
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    Unhappy Saddest Story I Ever Heard......

    Thisin is even tough to tell: This very elderly lady lived all alone. She had outlived her husband, children and all her friends. She had nothing to do because the town she lived in was so small the only newspaper was one sheet and was only printed on one side. One evening sitting all alone in her big house she decided to end it all and found her late husband's pistol and decided she was going to shoot herself thru heart. In her state of abject sorrow the poor old lady couldn't remember where her heart was. She pondered this and decided to call her doctor. She asked, "Dr. where is one's heart? The Dr said "your heart is on your left side, just under your breast." She thanked him, hung up and quickly placed the pistol under her left breast and pulled the trigger. This caused a stir in the little town. The one page newspaper finally had a headline and this is it: ELDERLY WOMAN SHOOTS SELF IN LEFT KNEE, now if that don't bring a tear to your eye nothing will.
    Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he's too old
    to fight... he'll just kill you.

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    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
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    Saw it coming with the call to the doc. Still LMAO!
    Can't Means Won't

    My Youtube Channel

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    Eeeeeewwwww! That was bad... really bad Coot.. LMAO

  17. #17
    missing in action trax's Avatar
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    @SamR: yeah all of a sudden I said to myself "lizards lay eggs" so glad I read through to the end, lol

    @Coot: that's downright nasty


    Little Johnny passes by a farmer in his field, he's carrying a roll of duck tape. The farmer asks him what he's up to "gonna get some ducks" says Johnny. Farmer says "Johnny, you can't get ducks with duck tape" Couple of hours later, Johnny comes back with a couple of ducks.

    Next day Johnny walks by with some chicken wire. The farmer chuckles "going to get some chickens Johnny?" "Yep" The farmer shakes his head, "boy, you don't get chickens with chicken wire" Couple of hours later, Johnny walks by with a couple of dead chickens.

    Next day Johnny walks by with a bunch of pussy-willows in his hand. Farmer grabs his hat and says, "Hang on Johnny, I'm coming with you"
    some fella confronted me the other day and asked "What's your problem?" So I told him, "I don't have a problem I am a problem"

  18. #18

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    yep.

    A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
    garbage bags, one in each hand.

    There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies
    out of it onto the pavement.

    Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
    falling out of that bag..."

    "Damn!" says the little old lady ... "I'd better go back and see if I
    can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"

    "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
    money? Did you steal it?"

    "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my yard backs up to the
    sixth fairway of the Municipal Golf Course. A lot of golfers come and
    pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

    So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each
    time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I yell: '$20 or off
    it comes!'"

    "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way, what's
    in the other bag?"

    "Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay."
    Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. Steven Wright (1955 - )

    He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which. Douglas Adams

  19. #19
    Senior Member snakeman's Avatar
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    I've got one.

    A pessimist and his friend are gonna go duck hunting and the friend goes to get a good dog. The friend asks the kennel owner for his best dog and gives him one that he says can walk on water. The friend wants proof so the kennel owner and the pessimist's friend go to the pond and the dog proves to walk on water. The next day the pessimist and his friend go hunting and shoot a duck so the friend sends his dog to go get it. He runs across the water and runs back with the duck. The friend says "Do you notice anything unusual about my dog?" to the pessimist and the pessimist says "Your dog can't swim."

  20. #20

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    Why do meirmaids wear sea shells??

    B shells would be to small and D shells would be too big!

    Don
    No one knows more about a task then the person that does it, Practice makes perfect!

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