Numpty spotting & communication guide!

[Sarge47]

Numpty spotting & communication guide:

As most of you know, or should know, the term, "numpty," is UK for "idiot. Oft-times numpties could be in our midst & we wouldn't even know it. Even if you did spot one, would you know what to say to them without offending them? Believe me, I've tried, it's a lot harder than you might think. Numpties are mentally challenged by something labeled "Overt Stupidity Syndrome." Don't laugh, it's a real illness & they deserve our sympathy, not our mocking and teasing. When speaking to a numpty use words of one syllable & no more than 4 to 5 letters tops. Pictures also help! Remember, the average IQ of a numpty is usually smaller than their shoe-size, so be considerate! One way to spot a numpty is to look for "numpty survival gear." the following describes the gear & also teaches you how to speak fluent numpty.

a.) The most obvious "tell" is the numpty's "survival knife." Usually the blade length is so long that they're almost tripping over it. As a matter of fact, if they wear shorts you might spot a multitude of band-aids covering the nicks & cuts they've accidently adminsistered to themselves while attempting to hang it from their belts. Blade lengths can range in length from a foot to the length of a Sumarai sword; remember the "Wall of God" guy & his Katana? So if you spot this give-away, be kind. You might want to gently ask: "Is that your survival knife or did your great-great-great grandfather ride with General Custer as one of his officers?
Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.Next, look for the "numpty canteen," easy to spot because of it's unusal design & shape. When spotting one of these, simply ask: "Excuse me, but I couldn't help but notice the yellow stains around your mouth and on your teeth, are you a chain smoker?"
Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.Finally, the perfect foil to bring a numpty out of hiding is to hold out a Bear Grylls DVD & say: "Oh, pardon me, did you drop this?" However be cautious using this as some have reported losing fingers, a hand, or in one really bad case, a whole arm. Best just to drop it & run.
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Anyway, that's all for now, more later.

[wareagle69]

ok thanks sarge i''l try to keep the words down to four leters or less, so how's this

hi ken, how are you, are you ok, so long for now


so how'd i do sarge

[Rick]

I hate to admit this but I've carried that canteen more than I care to think about. Sometimes it was attached to a good looking lady nurse and sometimes it was attached to a guy nurse. As luck would have it, my wife is an RN and she's explained, in detail, how I can stay healthy.

[canid]

i have a box of old hospital urinal bottles sitting in my back yard for some reason. it seems to have been left there by one of the tweakers who's lived in the back previously.

maybe i should open a surplus store for the numpty-inclined?

[crashdive123]

Or open up a lemonade stand.

[Sarge47]

ok thanks sarge i''l try to keep the words down to four leters or less, so how's this

hi ken, how are you, are you ok, so long for now


so how'd i do sarge

Not too good, I'm afraid. 1st though, leaving one of the "t's" out of the word letter & including the grammatical errors was a stroke of genius; however, Ken is NOT a numpty! He's a lawyer and therefore your post was way over his head. Also you did not include any pictures, like stacks of currency, for example. How do you expect him to understand you if you insist on using such big words?

[Sarge47]

i have a box of old hospital urinal bottles sitting in my back yard for some reason. it seems to have been left there by one of the tweakers who's lived in the back previously.

maybe i should open a surplus store for the numpty-inclined?

There is a source that buys those in box-lots, I believe it's called: "Numpties-R-Us!"

[wareagle69]

Not too good, I'm afraid. 1st though, leaving one of the "t's" out of the word letter & including the grammatical errors was a stroke of genius; however, Ken is NOT a numpty! He's a lawyer and therefore your post was way over his head. Also you did not include any pictures, like stacks of currency, for example. How do you expect him to understand you if you insist on using such big words?

true,true, very true, hmm how to simplify it for the liarwer then hhmmm oh oh i know i'll go get my 3 yr old nephew and have him type it, maybe then it would be simple enough for kenneth to understand

[mountain mama]

Some of us make it simple for y'all and just proclaim ourselves Numpty's in our title

[Ken]

hi ken,

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how are you,

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are you ok,

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so long for now

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[2dumb2kwit]

Dang.....and I thought "ebonics" was bad.

[Ken]

http://www.ebonics-translator.com/learn_ebonics.php

[wareagle69]

well i can't say your clients are getting a fair deal but you sure is entertaining

[Sarge47]

If you have any Numpty questins, just ask "Auntie Sarge" & I'll answer as best I can!

[Ken]

Dear Auntie Sarge,

Can you please tell me when hunting season opens on these critters? Can you bait 'em?

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Thank you,
Ken

[Sarge47]

Dear Auntie Sarge,

Can you please tell me when hunting season opens on these critters? Can you bait 'em?

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Thank you,
Ken

Yes, little Ken, there are several ways to bait them:
1.) Leave a nice big mug of warm urine for them to drink while they watch one of the "Man vs. Wild" DVD's you leave for them along with an "El Cheapo hollow-handled Rambo-styled knife." The down side is you'll then waste many hours listening to them tell you how the Discovery Channel should feature them on their next Survival series where they go out into the wilds in sub-zero weather right in the heart of Polar Bear country with nothing more than a diaper & a toothbrush!

2.) Tell them that you really think they're "unappreciated" and that you want to learn all the "survival" you can from them since they're obviously a "super-expert." The way that you know that to be true is they have told you so themselves.

Either method will work! Pssst! WE is NOT a numpty, okay?

[Ken]

Dear Auntie Sarge,

I am building my own Altoids PSK. What kind of tent would you recommend for my PSK?

And when the hell are you gonna' answer the last question I asked?

Thank you,
Ken

EDIT: Okay, you answered my last question but why did it take you so long?

[Ken]

Pssst! WE is NOT a numpty, okay?

WE? Who is WE?

[Sarge47]

Dear Auntie Sarge,

I am building my own Altoids PSK. What kind of tent would you recommend for my PSK?

And when the hell are you gonna' answer the last question I asked?

Thank you,
Ken

EDIT: Okay, you answered my last question but why did it take you so long?

...cut old Auntie Sarge some slack or I'll feed you your own gonads! I'm old & decrepit, ok? By the way, the "tent inquiry" is not a question about numpties, but rather, a question FOR numpties! So, if any are around, I'll let them answer.

[Ken]

...cut old Auntie Sarge some slack or I'll feed you your own gonads! I'm old & decrepit, ok? By the way, the "tent inquiry" is not a question about numpties, but rather, a question FOR numpties! So, if any are around, I'll let them answer.

Gee. I was only trying to help you start your advice column with a few questions. And I really don't care all that much for Rocky Mountain Oysters.

And you didn't say "questions about numpties," you said "Numpty questions."

And Auntie Sarge, is your first name "Abby?"