Joke of the day.

**Pal334** · 01-10-2009, 07:32 AM

Originally Posted by Ole WV Coot

The Prospector and the Gunslinger

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a Western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey nor an opportunity to talk with another human.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed saying, 'Hey old man, have you eve r danced?' The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I've just never seen a need to do so, nor ever wanted to either.'

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old bastard, you're gonna' dance your *** off now, ' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he was still laughing as he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.The old man asked, 'Did you ever French kiss a mule's ***?'

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No sir, but I've always wanted to.'

The lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2 Don't mess with old people.

Now that is funny, and a good lesson to remember

**crashdive123** · 01-10-2009, 08:54 AM

If Airlines sold paint
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

**Pal334** · 01-10-2009, 09:19 AM

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Now I am frightened!!! I understood this!!!!!!

**Sarge47** · 01-11-2009, 01:38 AM

My wife e-mailed me these:

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

...she thought a quarterback was a refund.

...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

...she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:

...she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
...She thought General Motors was in the army.

...She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

...She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:

...she tripped over a cordless phone.

...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."

...she told me to meet her at the corner of WALK" and "ONE WAY."

...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."

...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:

...she studied for a blood test.

...She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."

...she sold the car for gas money!

...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

...when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:

...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

...if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

...she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

...she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

Enjoy!

**nell67** · 01-11-2009, 08:29 AM

LMAO!
Know what its called when a blonde dyes her hair brown?

Artificial intelligence.

**welderguy** · 01-12-2009, 03:20 AM

Found this while surfing.

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied...

"That's because he's inside your cat."

**welderguy** · 01-12-2009, 03:24 AM

"she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company."
Sarge that was hilarious

**laughing beetle** · 01-12-2009, 05:05 AM

Originally Posted by welderguy

found This While Surfing.

Little Nancy Was In The Garden Filling In A Hole When Her Neighbor Peered Over The Fence. Interested In What The Little Girl Was Up To, He Politely Asked, "what Are You Up To There, Nancy?"

"my Goldfish Died," Replied Nancy Tearfully, Without Looking Up, "and I've Just Buried Him."

The Neighbor Was Concerned, "that's An Awfully Big Hole For A Goldfish, Isn't It?"

Nancy Patted Down The Last Heap Of Earth And Then Replied...

"that's Because He's Inside Your Cat."

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha haha!!!!!

**tsitenha** · 01-12-2009, 09:23 AM

Boudreaux and Fonteneaut are walking down a street in Houston when and they see a sign on a store that reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair." Boudreaux says to his pal, "Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Abbeville, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Now when we go in there you be quiet, okay? Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and try to cheat us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl so's they don't know." They go in and Boudreaux says with his best fake Texas accent, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ...."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll are from Louisiana, ain't you?" "Well...yeah," says a surprised Boudreaux. "How come you know dat?!"
"Because this is a dry-cleaners."

**Pal334** · 01-12-2009, 12:26 PM

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe!
They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to
the approaching drivers.

But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men.
And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their
horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper
pulls up behind me.

AND THEY THINK I'M A Dumb BLONDE!!

He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he
was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here?'

'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.

'Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the
road?'

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo,
those are my emergency flashers!'

**trax** · 01-12-2009, 12:30 PM

Saw it coming Pal (and that was definitely no pun intended!!)

**Pal334** · 01-12-2009, 01:42 PM

Trax, how about this one?

The minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way:

'The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.

The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... And I couldn't shut up. '

**nell67** · 01-13-2009, 08:10 PM

WINTER BLONDE

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She
jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says
"Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,
"Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.
The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says
"Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Indiana and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

**crashdive123** · 01-13-2009, 08:16 PM

Now that there's funny. I don't care who you are.

**doug1980** · 01-15-2009, 02:06 PM

December 8, 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down
from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So
romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in
the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've
ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered
up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-
we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much
snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see
snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such
a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The
temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything
sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed
up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and
buried everything again. I didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling,
but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish
I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants
a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my *** on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The
wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very
cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to
her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of
the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
day. The damn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're
lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about
buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob
says I have to shovel or the city will have it done
and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white *** fell today, and it's so cold,
it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes
to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I
had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and
dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of
the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the
*** is lying.

December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house
this morning. What is she, nuts?!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She
says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke
the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I
ever catch the son of a *** who drives that snow
plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and
beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100
miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25
Merry *** Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn
slop tonight - Snowed in
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate
the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife
says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking
idiot. If I have to watch 'It's A Wonderful Life' one
more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in.. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;
plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he
only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The *** is
driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever
heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplow driver, and now
he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the
beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the
broken snow shovel up his ***. The wife went home to
her mother.
Nine more inches predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?