A different kind of survival.

[Jay]

How do you survive multiple losses of friends or family. If you were to loose many friends or family members within a short period of time ……how would you cope. As I mentioned in the “old timers” thread, I just went through a series of losses within the space of about a month. Feed very depressed, cant sleep, restless, irritable, keep getting drunk and getting into fights. Don’t know why.
So how do you deal with it? Seems like a different game of survival…..and I seem to have failed miserably.
Has this ever happened to you? How did you deal with it?

[Rick]

Loosing some one close, a very good friend or a relative, is a very difficult thing to go through. Loosing several over a short period of time is horrible. There is a period of mourning that we have to get through and with every new loss that period begins again. I lost my mother, then my sister-in-law then my father in a very short span of time. It was the most difficult period of my life without question.

You take one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. And just keep moving forward. The loss, for me, stems from the fact I will never get to see them again. Yet, I know in my heart they are in a better place where no pain can touch them. And all three had suffered through illness.

You just have to allow yourself to grieve. Accept your own emotions and allow them to occur. Keep as busy as possible to help keep your mind off the situation and do those things you find pleasure in. Talk to others about how you feel. There's nothing wrong in that. But the alcohol won't help. It will dull the senses for a while but it also prolongs the mourning.

Time doesn't heal the wounds. That's a crock. The loss opens a hole in your heart the never seems to mend. But time will allow you to accept the loss. Or at least be more accepting of it.

I'm sorry for your losses. I know my words won't dispel your feelings. No one's words will. But we do support you, as best we can through a forum, at a low point in your life.

Keep us updated. We do care.

[trax]

Yep, what Rick said. We're here for you as best we can be, Jay for whatever that's worth.

[crashdive123]

Jay - I can't offer any advice other than what has been said. You are most certainly in my prayers.

[nell67]

My thoughts and prayers are with you Jay.

[rebel]

The friends and family you lost do not want you to be sad. They would like to be remembered but not make you sad in remembering them. Wouldn't you want the same?

So, honor them by remembering them and pass on your memories of them. This could be through something they have shared with you. A skill, a recipe or a way of looking at life.

[Rick]

I've read through this thread a couple of times now. I'm struck by the fact that all of us make preparations for some unknown event. Jay's remarks brings home the fact that we may be faced with a very similar situation during that event. And yet, we have done and talked little about facing that aspect of a tragedy. It's almost as if we believe our planning will make us and our families immune to serious injury or death. The fact is, a serious event might mean we are dealing with multiple tragedies on several different levels. Something we need to think about and plan for.

[crashdive123]

Good point. That's a tough one to plan for. It's not like you can buy some gear, or practice a skill. For me, I would have to rely heavily on my faith and friends. (I am not trying to turn this into a discussion on religion)

[Rick]

Nor me but I think everyone should give it consideration and rely on whatever the find comfort in. Does anyone have plans to deal with serious injury or death (aside from the mental part)? We've all seen the earthquake pictures in other parts of the world and dead bodies can make for some serious illness (mental and physical). I, for one, have made no plans to deal with that.

[Rick]

Jeeese, I guess great minds think alike.

[Runs With Beer]

Jay, sorry about your loss, Its true Drinking does not help,Take it from some one who knows. I do drink and most of the time its a happy thing,But just a little sadness will turn the page.

[Jay]

Thanks guys for all the support. Guess I was more than a little sloshed when I wrote. Im no stranger to death and can generally bounce back quite well. but nine in a row is a little difficult to swallow. As some wise soul said..."life is just one da.. thing afer another". I have the highest respect and regard for people who put their life on the line everyday so that others may be safe. May be it shows...I dont know....but they too seem to bond well with me. May be I become too attached to people. My wife says I put in too much and expect too much in most things that I do.
Anyway its over and done now and I have to get on with life. Again thanks for your prayers and support. I'm off again on the 30th. (Elephants raising hell in the North Central province. ) Should be back in 5-6 days.

[tristanj]

I can cope over the loss of a family member or friends by crying my heart out through my prayers and the acceptance of them being gone would follow. I would think that they are still around, yet invisible. Their spirit lives in my heart and mind. Memories of them still lingers. Who knows, I would see them again someday.

[wareagle69]

jay nice to see you are still around, sorry for your losses
i am personallly not attached to anyone other than my wife, i will be devasted if anything happens to her, after loosing 18 brothers in one day i do not get close to anyone, probably my loss bu thats me, ithink rebel said it well honor them.i agree

[wildWoman]

I'm terribly sorry for your losses, Jay...I would probably feel much like you do. What Rick and Rebel wrote might be helpful, I think...Some years ago, I was misdiagnosed with a particularly deadly form of cancer and one thing that that experience left me with was that I realized how much I wanted everybody else who was healthy to just get on with their lives, be happy and live life to the fullest. I think your friends are cheering you on from wherever they are, but I'm also sure it will take a long time...

[Sarge47]

I've lost many friends & family members, & while I miss them, I also have to realize what a gift everyday on this planet is. Death is one of only two guarantees that we have.

"A soon as we were born, we began to die." Renesance Man.

"You go to certain death!" "All death is certain." The Kingdom of heaven"

"C'mon you apes, you want to live forever?!" Starship Troopers.

"...when we realized we were finite, and that we could die at any moment, we began understand that someday everything ends; & it's not a matter of IF you're going to die, but rather WHEN. So you want to make what little time you have left count for something. (something like that.) The Kingdom.

No one lives forever, guess I'm just a fatalist.

[SARKY]

Having done my 20 in the military, I've lost my share of friends. The one thing I learned from those losses is to celebrate their life and don't mourn their death. We all die, but what we share with each other while we live, lives on even after our death. Do you want to be remembered for your death or the joy you brought to others while you were alive?

[Runs With Beer]

I've lost many friends & family members, & while I miss them, I also have to realize what a gift everyday on this planet is. Death is one of only two guarantees that we have.

"A soon as we were born, we began to die." Renesance Man.

"You go to certain death!" "All death is certain." The Kingdom of heaven"

"C'mon you apes, you want to live forever?!" Starship Troopers.

"...when we realized we were finite, and that we could die at any moment, we began understand that someday everything ends; & it's not a matter of IF you're going to die, but rather WHEN. So you want to make what little time you have left count for something. (something like that.) The Kingdom.

No one lives forever, guess I'm just a fatalist.

You watch as much TV as I do.

[Gray Wolf]

I do understand and have compassion for what you're going through. Unfortunately to well. My son, two weeks before his 26th birthday (still have his box of presents). No parent should ever have to bury their child. My 2 best friends (one to cancer the other to MS.) My cousin that I also considered my friend, and my Aunt (my Godmother), all within seven months. These deaths were different than those in my unit in Vietnam. After a month in the ****, you learned not to get to close to the guys around you. Some here may not understand and think is cold, but the way most of us handled it then was, "better him than me". Jay, Rick is right, TIME HEALS NOTHING. That hole in your heart will forever be there. You need to find what works for you, in a constructive way. It's different for each one of us. My deepest sympathy...

[wareagle69]

you folks here that have had to deal with the loss of family have all my repsect i do not know how that feels as i have no family but i know how i feel about my wife of 5 years and i cannot begin to imagine what you have gone thru. must take something inside of you to go on. i have seen the death of a freind tear apart a family which i thought was sad cuz to me it should have brought them closer together