Funny Thread, Mar 11

**nell67** · 04-30-2008, 08:40 AM

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to h**l for up to 8 full hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding
you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till
they moved out.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out, increases chest size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment
of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip
off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as,
"You make me want to be a better person. "

BUYAGRA
Injectible stimulant taken prior to shopping increases potency, duration, and credit
limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary,
phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life
stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as
nagging him.

**crashdive123** · 04-30-2008, 04:17 PM

Nice.

**nell67** · 04-30-2008, 04:19 PM

Yup,me thinks you guys should be very afraid.

**crashdive123** · 04-30-2008, 04:26 PM

Oooooppps. I meant - Nice.

**nell67** · 04-30-2008, 04:28 PM

You were right the first time

**Riverrat** · 05-01-2008, 07:48 AM

I like it, and the wife will love it, lol

**crashdive123** · 05-01-2008, 07:01 PM

Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional...

**nell67** · 05-09-2008, 06:25 PM

We are about to enter the summer soon and BBQ season.

Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this
sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real'
man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put
into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who
is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with
the situation.

Important again:
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women....

**Ole WV Coot** · 05-09-2008, 06:34 PM

Very sexist I think. If this gets out my way of life as I know it will cease to exist. I am afraid, very afraid.

**Alpine_Sapper** · 05-09-2008, 06:42 PM

The perfect man and woman

CLICK HERE

**crashdive123** · 05-09-2008, 06:46 PM

Too funny Alpine.

**crashdive123** · 05-09-2008, 07:01 PM

What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Deer Nuts are just under a buck!

**Ridge Wolf** · 05-10-2008, 08:27 PM

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

**crashdive123** · 05-14-2008, 05:54 PM

A forest ranger is making rounds in a remote part of the wooded reserve when he comes across an unkempt man, sitting at a makeshift campfire. To the ranger's horror, the man is eating a fish and a bald eagle.
He immediately arrests the man and puts him in jail. The following morning, the man appears before the Judge.

"Are you aware that eating a Bald Eagle is a federal offense?" asks the Judge.

"Yes, I am," replies the man, "but please allow me to explain what happened."

"You may proceed," instructs the Judge.

"I was lost in the woods and hadn't had anything real to eat for two weeks," explains the man. "I was so hungry, I was eating plants to stay alive."

"Then one day, I arrive at a lake. I see a Bald Eagle swooping down to the water and flying away with a fish in its talons. I thought, 'if I startled the Eagle, maybe I could steal the fish.'"

"Low and behold, the eagle lighted upon a nearby tree stump to eat the fish. So, I picked up a rock and threw it. I meant to hit the stump and startle the bird. I hoped he would drop the fish and fly away."

"Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off. The rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it. I agonized over what had happened, but I figured that since it was dead I might as well eat it."

The Judge says he will take a recess to analyze the defendant's statement. Fifteen minutes later, the Judge returns.

"Due to the extreme circumstances, and because you did not intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges." The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers, "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

"Well, Your Honor, it's a little difficult to explain," the defendant says. "The best way I can describe it is to say that it's far more tender than a California Condor, but the meat is quite bland compared to a Spotted Owl."

**Rick** · 05-20-2008, 07:32 AM

A group of wilderness folks got together to practice their skills and to spend some time learning and teaching. On the very first day a wilderness instructor approached the open area that they were using and a little kid was sitting on the ground stirring a bucket with a stick.

"Hey, kid. Whatcha doin'?" asked the wilderness instructor.
"I'm stirrin' this here bucket."
"Well, I can see that. What's in it?"
"Bull sh*t."
"What in the world are you gonna do with it?"
"Make a wilderness instructor."

That ticked the instructor off. He set his jaw and walked away toward the meeting area mumbling to himself as he went.

Before long, a wilderness first responder came walking along and happened upon the kid.

"Hey son. What are you doing?"
"Stirrin' this bucket of bull sh*t."
"Okay. Well, what are you going to do with it?"
"Make a first responder."

Now he was ticked off. He stomped off mumbling to himself.

The wilderness instructor and the first responder were talking about the kid when a seasoned old Alaskan Guide walked up.

"What are you boys talkin' about?" he asked.
"You didn't see the little kid?"
"Nope."

So they explained what had just transpired. The Alaskan Guide, not one to let a good moment pass, decide to have a little fun. He walked around the meeting area until he found the little kid.

"High ya, buddy. I'll bet I know what you got there."
The little kid looked up from the bucket. "You do?"
"Yep. I'll bet that's a bucket of bull sh*t."
"Yeah, it is."
"And I bet I know what you're gonna do with it."
"You do?"
"Sure I do. You're gonna make an Alaskan Guide."
The little kid shook his head no. "No, sir. I'd have to have a whole lot more bull sh*t to make one of those."

**crashdive123** · 05-23-2008, 08:36 PM

This isn't intended to be funny, but when I was reading a story about the most expensive home in the world, then about 3/4 of the way down the article there's an ad -----Find a cheaper home loan by comparing the best mortgage deals with Sun Money----just kind of struck me as funny.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage...cle1198072.ece