Joke of the day.

[Rick]

Who was fired from his job became an alcoholic and, ultimately, homeless. He's had that one song playing in his head now for 18 years. Nice. Real nice.

[natertot]

Wait, you're that Rick? I thought you looked familiar. I'm in for it now!

[Winnie]

It's probably been done to death over yonder, but It's new to me.

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”
“Terrorists have kidnapped Congress. They’re asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they’re going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car collecting donations....”
“How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks.
The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”

[Rick]

Buhahahahaha! Now that right there is funny I don't care who you are.

[hunter63]

Do they take mail in's?

[Canoetripper]

Give till it hurts

[finallyME]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.

[finallyME]

The Marine Gunnery Sgt noticed a new Marine Pvt. and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name Marine?" "John," the new Marine Pvt. replied.

"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching Marines in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the Gunny scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my Marines by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Gunny". Do I make myself clear?" "Aye, Aye Gunny!"

"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?" The Marine Pvt. sighed. "Darling, My name is John Darling, Gunny."

"Okay, John, here's what I want you to do ..."

[1stimestar]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"Goodness gracious!" said my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that's when the fight started...

[crashdive123]

Dear Abby,

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge
credit card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them
off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay
the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can
hardly keep up with the interest.

Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that
most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch
to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our
bills even more.

Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs
out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the
Anti-Christ, and the next he's on his knees 5 times a day with
Muslims.

Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in
the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so
horribly creepy!

Can you help?
Signed,
Lost

Dear Lost,

Suck it up and stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the
White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for
everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want.
The rest of us are stuck with the idiot for 3 more years.

Signed,
Abby

[Rick]

Man....that ain't even funny. Three long....hard....privacy and freedom stealing years.

[hunter63]

Amen to that....can I say "Amen"?

[Canoetripper]

He is also trading five bags of $hit for one coward!!!

[Sarge47]

The teacher of a 3rd grade class asked how many of the students supported the current president? All but one raised their hands. Little Tommy was the only one who didn't and this seem to anger the teacher!

"Why Tommy," she said, "Why don't you support our president?"

"Because," replied the little boy, "I'm a Republican!"

Now Tommy, why are you a Republican?" Asked the teacher.

"Cuz both Mom & Dad are Republicans!" Tommy answered. This seem to anger the teacher.

"Tommy! If you Mom was an idiot and your Dad was a moron, what would that make you?" She demanded.

"A Democrat!" Responded Tommy.....

[Rick]

Buhahahaha. Maybe we should open an "Anything Political Joke" thread........I always did like Little Tommy.

Little Tommy was sitting on a park bench eating a big bag of sweets. A woman walked up and said, "That's a very big bag of sweets for a little boy to eat. It could make you very ill".

Tommy replied, "Well, my Grandad lived till he was 92".

The woman asked, "Really and did he eat a lot of sweets?"

To which Little Tommy replied, "No, he just knew how to mind his own fricking business".

[Rick]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off. Barump Bump!

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shidzu. Barump Bump! (you can't even spell ****zu correctly. See?)

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again. Barump Bump!

[Rick]

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.



The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"



The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"






















Why are you looking down here? It's your turn to say something.

[Sarge47]

A Captain and his troops were surrounded by Indians. He asked his Sergeant looking through binoculars how many Indians he saw. The Sgt replied, "About 500 and they're getting ready to attack." The Capt asked how many men they had and his Sgt said, "About 60, sir." The Capt replied, "That's not good but we'll give them a good fight." Then he said,"Go to my tent and get my Red Shirt." When the Sgt asked why, the Capt said, "Because red is the color of blood and if I get hit, I don't want my men to see me bleeding. As the Sgt prepared to leave he looked in his binoculars again then said, "Sir, I made a mistake. There's more than 500 Indians about to attack. It looks more like 5,000." "5,000" repeated the Capt. "Alright Sgt...Cancel the Red Shirt... and bring me my Brown Pants"...

[1stimestar]

When a kid is being a brat in a noisy and public area, I casually get close to them and fart on their head/face. I'm really tall so it's usually a direct hit.

It's funniest when the kid notices and doesn't know what to do because I'm a giant.

One time I was pretty drunk with a friend at a Target buying Risk. This little mexican 5-7 year old with a mohawk, was being an insufferable little **** in the action figure section. I heard him from like 5 aisles over and it was like nails on a chalkboard. I tell my friend, "I'm gonna fart on this kids head. Watch and learn."

I saunter on over to the aisle in question and see the vile little cretin calling his mom an "idiot" for not buying him a huge G.I. JOE The Movie vehicle. "I already bought that one for you and you broke it by throwing it down the stairs" "SHUT UP. I NEED IT. IT'S THE ONLY ONE I DON'T HAVE NOW." The mother was younger than me (I'm mid twenties) and gave a defeated look, "I don't have enough money right now." "YOU ARE AN IDIOT," and continued to just berate and publicly shame this woman.

At the time, I was on a strict Chipotle carnitas burrito diet. And while I was watching all this, my stomach gave me an initial warning gurgle (very courteous stomach) telling me I was about an hour away from punishing the toilet. Serendipity! Destiny!

The kid shouts "F**K YOU, I HATE YOU!" The mom rolls her eyes and turns her back to the kid to ignore him. And could you believe it, the kid gets on his hands and knees and starts taking the toy out of the box. It's go time, mother**ker.

I position my back towards him and at this point am like 2 feet away from him. I bend down to reach for the one of the toys on the lower shelf. At this point, my *** is INCHES away from this kids head.

I'm so close that from a distance it looks like I'm about to sit on him,. My friend sees this happening and can no longer contain himself. He's covering his mouth, but his 'hee-haw' hyperventilating donkey chortle is fairly audible over the late 90's pop muzak playing on the loudspeakers.

The kid immediately looks up towards the laughter, but can't help but notice there is an *** now directly in his face. Now, I'm trying not to laugh but also panicking as I just made eye contact with him. He furls his brow and I look over in the mother's direction, still back towards us. I relish in the moment and the look on this child's confused and naive face.

The initial blast was mighty and boisterous. I swear I saw his hair blowing in the wind (so to speak). If I wasn't wearing jeans, I think it could have probably blown over an empty soda can. I would call it "a very fun fart" (A++ would buy again). However, what immediately followed that out the chamber was truly horrifying. The fart's implication changed without notice and swiftly. It went from a joyous, dry airhorn squeal to a nefarious, hissing mephitis. I think the little moppet noticed the hateful metamorphosis before even I did because he wretched his neck violently trying to get away from the personified evil being fumigated into his soul. Because of his positioning (hovering over the toy, hands and knee), it was all in vain as the only way out was forward...and forward would mean certain death.

In total, it lasted about 4 seconds but for that kid, it must have seemed like time was frozen. The long-term severe brain damage which he no doubt suffered, only added to that effect.

When I finished, there was a silent, pregnant pause. The kid was clearly shocked and stunned. No one had ever stood up to this dwarf sociopath in his whole life. I had taken the words out of his mouth and filled it with fart.

I make my move first, picking up the toy I was "reaching for" off the low shelf, take a few steps forward and stare at it for a few seconds. The only thing the kid could manage to do was burst into tears. My friend senses danger 'the jig is up' and his head darts for cover. The mom turns around to see her kid with an open toy, crying on the floor and me minding my own business.

She walks up to him and asks what's wrong but the kid can't speak. All he gets out is, "BAWAWAAAWAFARTBAWAWA." It took every fiber in my body not to laugh.

Sensing that his assailant was getting away scot-free, he somehow managed to compose himself for a moment. He shouts, "HE FARTED ON ME!" I was ALMOST around the corner when the mom goes:

"Excuse me....sir....SIR!"

I turn around nonplussed, "Uh...who? Me?" while pointing to myself.

"Yes. Did YOU just FART on my son?"

Weighing my options, I played dumb. "What? I mean, I did fart."

"On my son?"

"Well, I mean, technically speaking...I mean...what is 'on'?"

"Why did you fart on my son?"

At this point the little kid has the look of schadenfreude on his face, happy to see me in trouble. F**k you, I'M A MAN! I WILL FART ON YOU IF I PLEASE! I turn my attention to the little kid and stare at him, "Because the whole store could hear him being a little, rotten asshole to his mother so I thought I'd come over here and treat him like one."

The mom looks at me, her son and the scattered GI JOE/wrappers/box on the floor. The mom is puzzled as to what to do and says, "Just..just go." That's my cue! I turn around, walk away with little extra step. As soon as I turn the corner, I book it outside as fast as I can.

We laugh on the car ride back about the whole scene. With a slight hint of seriousness in his tone, my friend asks me:

"Do you do that a lot?"

"Ahhh, not that much. Like once every 6 months or so."

We both knew I was lying.

[Tokwan]

Stay away fro me..lol