Joke of the day.

[Ken]

Dear Diary:

Aug. 1 - Moved to our new house in Maine. It is so beautiful here. The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered with snow. I LOVE IT HERE.

Oct. 14 - New England is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning all different colors. I love the shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the hills and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I LOVE IT HERE.

Nov. 11 - Deer season will open soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquility. Hope it will snow soon. I LOVE IT HERE.

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looked like a postcard. Went outside and cleaned snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight today (I won). When the snowplow came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother Nature in perfect harmony. I LOVE IT HERE.

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow guy did his trick again (that rascal). A winter wonderland. I LOVE IT HERE.

Dec. 19 - Snowed again last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work on time. I'm exhausted from shoveling. DAMN SNOWPLOW!

Dec. 22 - More of that white sh!t fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm done shoveling. THAT A$$HOLE!!!

Dec. 25 - "White Christmas" my busted a$$. More friggin' snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-***** who drives that snowplow, I swear I will castrate the dumb bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on this sh!tty ice. DAMN ICE!

Dec. 28 - More of the same crap last night. Been inside since Christmas Day except for when "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere. The car is buried in a mountain of white sh!t. The weatherman says expect another 10 inches of this sh!t tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is? ONE HELL OF ALOT!

Jan. 1 - Happy Friggin' New Year. The weatherman was wrong (AGAIN). We got 24 miserable inches of snow this time. At this rate it won't melt until the 4th of July. The snowplow got stuck down the road and that sh!t-for-brains had the balls to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. I told him I broke 6 shovels already, shoveling out the sh!t he plowed into my driveway. I broke the 7th shovel over the asshole's head. DAMN, ANOTHER SHOVEL WASTED! Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a deer ran out in front of the car and I hit the filthy creature. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Wish those hunters would have killed them all last November. DAMN HUNTERS!

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town today. Would you believe the body is rotting away from all the friggin' salt they keep dumping all over the roads? It really looks like a piece of rusting sh!t. DAMN SALT!

May 10 - Moved to Florida today. I can't imagine why anyone in their right friggin' mind would want to live in the God forsaken State of Maine. I LOVE IT HERE. Damn! Something just bit me....

[2dumb2kwit]

And that, boys and girls, is why Florida is full of yankees.

[crashdive123]

And that, boys and girls, is why Florida is full of yankees.

Which wouldn't be so bad if they'd stop trying to make things the way they were "back home".

[Lamewolf]

A hunter claims he has the best duck dog in the country and his buddy doesn't believe him so they go on a hunting trip to prove it. While out, the dogs runs ahead and then comes back and looks at his master and barks twice. The master looks at his buddy and says theres 2 ducks ahead in a pond and they go up and each hunter kills a duck. Then the dog runs ahead again and comes back and barks 4 times, and they go to the next pond and each kills 2 ducks a piece. Then the dog runs ahead again, comes back barking uncontrollably picks up a stick and starts beating the hunters with the stick and the buddy shoots and kills the dog. The owner of the dogs exclaims "what are you doing, you've killed my best dog" ? The buddy says that dog went crazy and had to be put down, to which the master replied "he didn't go crazy, he was just trying to tell us that there were more ducks in the next pond than you could shake a stick at" !!!!

[Rick]

Buhahahaha! I don't care who you are this right here is funny. Guys, we can relate.....

http://www.whaleoil.co.nz/2014/01/lo...-south-africa/

And once they got home.....

http://softkenya.com/pictures/wp-con...3/12/Obama.jpg

Just cracks me up. Too funny.

[Ken]

Wife in Atlanta texts husband this morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now."

[BENESSE]

Wife in Atlanta texts husband this morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now."

. . . . . living will.jpg

[sjj]

removed.....

[Rick]

Guilty as charged.

[1stimestar]

This one cracks me up every time I read it. Sorry I can't copy and paste it.

http://www.quickmeme.com/p/3vrw3r

[Rick]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. The bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg high enough. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan standing behind her calmly picked her up by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[Rick]

I just received an audit on my tax return for 2013 from the IRS. I have to admit I'm still puzzled. They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"

I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons, half of Mexico, 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate and one useless President.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE SAM HILL DID I MISS?

[deafdave3]

I've been having a lot of trouble communicating with my wife. I've accused her of being hard of hearing and she is in denial. To prove my point I recently gave her a little hearing test.

I stood about 20 feet behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"

Got no answer so walked to within about 15 feet behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me now?"

Got no answer so walked to within about 10 feet behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me now?"

Still, got no answer so walked to within about 5 feet behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me now?"

Again, no answer so I walked right up behind her and yelled, "Honey, can you hear me now?".

Finally, she turned around and looked at me - and the only thing she had to say was, "Yes - for the fifth time - I can hear you."

Hey, this really happened to me!

[Sarge47]

I just received an audit on my tax return for 2013 from the IRS. I have to admit I'm still puzzled. They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"

I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons, half of Mexico, 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate and one useless President.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE SAM HILL DID I MISS?

It's obvious...the 1st Lady!...

[Sarge47]

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September

10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was. And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the Staff passed out.

[Sarge47]

Six Irish men were playing poker when one of them played a bad hand and died.
The rest drew straws to see who would tell his wife.
One man draws the shortest straw and goes to his friend's house to tell the wife. The man says to her " Your husband lost some money in the poker game and is afraid to come home.
The wife says. "Tell him to drop dead!!!!"

The Irish man responds, "I'll go tell him!".

[Sarge47]

An Irishman stumbles over to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65."
"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65, too!"

About that time in walks one of the "regulars" and sits down at the bar.
He asks the bartender, "Hey, Pat! What's been going on?"

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

[Sarge47]

Mary Finney goes up to Father Green after
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "What's troubling you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
Me husband passed away last night."

Father Green says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father. He said, please Mary, put down that frying pan!”

[Sarge47]

A man goes to see the Rabbi. He tells the Rabbi,"Something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

"What's wrong?", asked the Rabbi

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "I'm sure you're wrong."
Pleadingly, the man says, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

"Tell you what, let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.", the Rabbi calmly suggests.

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes, please."

"Take the poison!"

[natertot]

Hey Sarge, I like the Mrs. Woolf bit. Kinda reminds me of my college days!

True story. In college, a bunch of my friends and I had aftermarket radios in our cars that also came with remotes. We would gather all the remotes and head to places such as Wal-Mart, Best Buy, Circuit City, etc. We would head to the area of the store that had the car audio and find a spot an aisle or two over where we'd be somewhat hidden and blend in. After a while, some poor soul would come along to check out car radios. We would randomly turn them on and off, change the station, and prevent controls from being usable. Just when the person was about to walk away, we would crank the sound way up high. Can't tell you how many people we got yelled at. One was even a store employee who his manager thought he was playing around instead of working!