Joke of the day.

[SHTFMIKE]

Yes he did.

[SHTFMIKE]

SHTFMIKE cleaned up the joke didn't he?

Yes he did.

[SHTFMIKE]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'

[hunter63]

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid. Because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine . . .

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke . . .




"Repaint! Repaint!
And thin no more!"


"Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light.

[hunter63]

Another heartwarming Christmas fable

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre -Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into

hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely

day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

[crashdive123]

Nice.........

[deafdave3]

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 and we don't know where she is.

[Winnie]

Very funny Hunter!

[hunter63]

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 and we don't know where she is.

Minneapolis, MN....That's where my MIL ended up..... Bless her heart.....They keep calling......

[Wildthang]

A blonde caught a grease fire in her kitchen while frying bacon, so she called the fire department. She screamed into the phone " Please come and put this fire out in my kitchen several times", the fire dispatch person said we will be glad to mam, but we need directions, how do we get there.
The blonde then said, " Oh duh, the big red truck "!

[Rick]

One day God was looking down at
earth and saw all of the rascally behavior
that was going on...

So He called His angels and sent
one to earth for a time.

When the angel returned,
he told God,'Yes, it is bad on earth;
95% are misbehaving and only
5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said,
'Maybe I had better send down a second
angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent
her to earth for a time.

When the angel returned she went to
God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth
is in decline; 95% are misbehaving,
but 5% are being good...'
God was not pleased.

So He decided to e-mail the 5%
who were good, because he wanted to
encourage them, and give them a little
something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering,
because I didn't get one either.

[hunter63]

I didn't either....Hummmmm

[crashdive123]

I'd send you my copy, but it says at the bottom

This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are addressed. If you have received this email in error, please notify the system manager. This message contains confidential information and is intended only for the individual named. If you are not the named addressee, you should not disseminate, distribute or copy this email. Please notify the sender immediately by email if you have received this email by mistake and delete this email from your system. If you are not the intended recipient, you are notified that disclosing, copying, distributing or taking any action in reliance on the contents of this information is strictly prohibited.

[Jay]

First Turkey shoot of the season.
Turkey shoot..jpg

[hunter63]

Never underestimate the innovativeness of American Farm Boys:

At a high school in Wisconsin , a group of male students played a prank.
They let three goats loose inside the school.
But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats:
1, 2 and 4.

School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.

Now that's funny, I don't care who you are.....
And you thought there was nothing to do in Wisconsin

[Rick]

Woman Stops Grizzly Attack with .25 Caliber Hand Gun!

This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself? The Beretta Jetfire:

While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of no where. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today! Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took…….the bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection...

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

[hunter63]

Yeah that and tennis shoes...I can't out run the bear, but I can out run you.....LOL

[Durtyoleman]

Seniors
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet the store wasn't ready. With only a few shelves set up, one said to the other, I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by , put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling. No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked ,What are you selling here? One of the men replied sarcastically, We're selling as**oles! Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, You're doing well. Only two left.
Seniors--- don't mess with them!

D.O.M.

[Sarge47]

I was just sitting here thinking on some various topics. Finally I thought of an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the groin? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the groin. After some deductive thinking however, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the groin is more painful than having a baby and here is my reason for that conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a man say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the groin." I rest my case.....

[Durtyoleman]

A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia ."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia , but you're not in the mines anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing..