Joke of the day.

[hunter63]

If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

[Sparky93]

If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

It's simple, they actually died and were in purgatory... It was the precursor for Lost

[natertot]

If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Your stuck on an island with Ginger and Maryanne, do you really want to attain self rescue?!

[Rick]

The professor didn't really invent any of that stuff. Wiley Coyote was actually his nom de plume. He filmed the Roadrunner series while off season from Gilligan's Island. See post 1620. It's a little known fact that he was in the Marines and saved Captain Kangaroo, Fred Rogers, Lee Marvin and much later, in a bizarre twist of fate, Tom Petty.

[Rick]

A husband and wife were sitting in the bar. After a couple of drinks the husband said, "I love you."

The wife responded, "Is that you talking or the beer?"

"It's me talking," replied the husband, "to the beer."

[crashdive123]

There is a factory in Essex which makes Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Shelley is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Shelley surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Shelley.

"I'm sorry" he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday... your job is to give Elmo 'two test tickles'".

[natertot]

Two brothers, ages six and four, woke up one morning and started talking. The six year old tells the four year old that it is about time for them to start cussing. The four year old goes along with it and asks the six year old how they should pull it off. The six year old says when they go downstairs for breakfast that he will say "hell" and that the four year old can say "@$$" The four year old agrees and they head downstairs where their mom asks what they would like for breakfast.

The six year old answers, "What the hell, I'll have the Cheerios". His mom starts yelling and whooping his butt all over the place. She runs him up to his room spanking him all the way. Several minutes later she returns to the kitchen and asks the four year old what he would like for breakfast. The four year old replies, "I'm not sure, but you can bet your @$$ it won't be Cheerios!"

[Sarge47]

A lady supervisor in a factory noticed a new male employee standing around looking lost. She asked if she could help him and he told her that he didn't know where he was supposed to be.

"Well," she asked, "maybe I can help, what's your name?"

"Harry Sexhour." He replied.

What?" She replied, totally aghast, "That can't be right! Let me check!" She ran up three flights of stairs and burst into the personnel manager's office, out of breath. "Sir," she asked, "do we have a Harry Sexhour?"

The manager l;ooked up from his desk and said "Are you kidding? We don't even get a stinking coffee break!"

[dragon383]

RETIREMENT:...............my nookie days are over, my pilots light is out, what used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout. time was when of its own accord, from my trousers it would spring, but now i got a full time job to find the blasted thing. it used to be embarresing the way it would behave, for every morning it would, stand and watch me shave. but as my old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues, to see it hang its little head, and watch me tie my shoes.

[Jay]

day care.jpg Some behavior traits are inherited.

[2dumb2kwit]

"Why some men wear earrings"

A farmer was at a diner one day having lunch when he noticed an old friend. What really caught his attention was that this friend was wearing an earring.

The farmer knew his old buddy to be a fairly conservative fellow, and was curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The farmer walked up to him and said, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," the fellow replied sheepishly.

The farmer was silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity got the best of him and he asked "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck," the man replied.

[SHTFMIKE]

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

[SHTFMIKE]

A missionary was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The missionary was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he
hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The missionary is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both..

The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied,
"My bike."

[SHTFMIKE]

There are three couples sitting down for brunch, and having tea.

The first couple are newly weds, and completely love struck.

The second couple has been married for a few years, but they still have a bit of a spicy love life and like to picture themselves as still being young and hip.

The third couple are a salty old couple that have been married for 30 years and been through it all.

The husband that is a newly wed looks across the table and says "pass the honey honey, and his wife blushes and smiles.

The second guy not to be out done looks at his wife and says pass the sugar, sugar, and she adoringly smiles.

The old guy looks at his wife and says "pass the tea...bag".

[SHTFMIKE]

A beautiful picture of the milky way as viewed from Mars

376177_458030080884675_1539268272_n.jpg

[2dumb2kwit]

One time, this....oh, wait. You said "tasteful" jokes.

Hmmmm......I can't think of any of those.

[hunter63]

There are three couples sitting down for brunch, and having tea.

The first couple are newly weds, and completely love struck.

The second couple has been married for a few years, but they still have a bit of a spicy love life and like to picture themselves as still being young and hip.

The third couple are a salty old couple that have been married for 30 years and been through it all.

The husband that is a newly wed looks across the table and says "pass the honey honey, and his wife blushes and smiles.

The second guy not to be out done looks at his wife and says pass the sugar, sugar, and she adoringly smiles.

The old guy looks at his wife and says "pass the tea...bag".

......Then everything went black......

[Rick]

If they can put a man on the moon why can't they put beer in a booby?

[SHTFMIKE]

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but
he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells
him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

[SHTFMIKE]

ROBOT for Sale

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

He asks his son what he did that day.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."

Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mother........

End of Story.

Robot for Sale !