Joke of the day.

[Rick]

'Zactly. You should try pullin' up your drawers with one hand and getting them buckled. That's survival practice right there. If you get the right side to hang off a hip the left side falls. You go to rescue the left side and the right side gives up. And we won't even talk about typing.

[crashdive123]

I found it easiest to get em up and then lay back on the bed to keep them from having gravity affect the side you wish you were holding.

Of course - gym shorts and sweat pants were a plus.

[2dumb2kwit]

I found it easiest to get em up and then lay back on the bed to keep them from having gravity affect the side you wish you were holding.

Of course - gym shorts and sweat pants were a plus.

My other half is calling those my "big boy pull-ups".

[2dumb2kwit]

'Zactly. You should try pullin' up your drawers with one hand and getting them buckled. That's survival practice right there. If you get the right side to hang off a hip the left side falls. You go to rescue the left side and the right side gives up. And we won't even talk about typing.

I've been hitting keys that I didn't even know that my keyboard had!

[2dumb2kwit]

.....and the trick to opening a bag of 'tater chips, with one hand, is to lay the bag on the counter and cut the top off with a pair of scissors.

[BENESSE]

.....and the trick to opening a bag of 'tater chips, with one hand, is to lay the bag on the counter and cut the top off with a pair of scissors.

Just an idea to hep you out:
you can eat an apple with one hand.

[2dumb2kwit]

Just an idea to hep you out:
you can eat an apple with one hand.

Same with a pork chop! I talked my other half into fixin' a mess of breaded pork chops, so I'd have plenty of left-overs in the fridge.

It was a great idea, but the supply didn't last anywhere near as long as I had hoped.

[Rick]

One handed oatmeal didn't work so good. Neither did one handed beer.

[Sparky93]

One handed oatmeal didn't work so good. Neither did one handed beer.

If it's not a twist top and you don't have a mounted bottle opener you could give it a quick jerk on the top of a workbench or a table you don't care if it gets nicked up.... not that I would know....

[Rick]

You leave the beer in the bottle? (head slap) That was my mistake. No wonder it was so messy.

[hunter63]

It has come to my attention, after many years of research, the most any vehicle has some where to open a beer......

[Rick]

I was late at a store the other night . . . last customer.

Cute gal at the register said, "strip down, facing me."

You would have thought it would have dawned on me that she was talking about swiping my credit card.

[Sarge47]

I was late at a store the other night . . . last customer.

Cute gal at the register said, "strip down, facing me."

You would have thought it would have dawned on me that she was talking about swiping my credit card.

And what did the police say?

[crashdive123]

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answered given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the agent running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agent. The agent is clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge! Show him your badge!'

[Jay]

I thought this was a pretty good brand name. What do you guys think?
j

[hunter63]

Hey why not....tell it like it is....LOL, I love it.

[Rick]

I don't think the brand name is half as bad as the fact that it is RECYCLED!!!! Yuck! I wonder if the paper is white and brown? That could be confusing.

[BENESSE]

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for
dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to
Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among
them, they could ride their bikes there and Jennie Webster, that cute
girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see
her.

Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where
they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at
Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had
free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and
there were a lot of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at
Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near
their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many
whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain
Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the
waitresses wore tight pants.

Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they
should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain
Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a
nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at
Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they
have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at
Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and
the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at
Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there
before.

[kyratshooter]

Guy from Maine reports his wife missing. Three days latter the police show up and knock on the door.

"Sir, I'm sorry but we have some bad news, some good news and some really good news"

"The bad news is your wife went off the road into the ocean and died 3 days ago."

"Well what is the good news then?" the man asks.

"Well sir, when we pulled her out there were 6 snow crabs and 15 lobsters hanging onto her."

"Well what could the really good news be?" the man asked again.

"Well sir, we decided we'll pull her up again tomorrow."

[BENESSE]

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package.
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter". The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the azholes in Washington.