Funny Thread, Mar 11
A nurse walks into a bank, exhausted after a 20 hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says, "Well that's just great...really great ! Some azzhole has my pen !"
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge. I was maybe 1 and a half years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, h ere I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says, ' Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
A male patient lay in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse entered the room to give him his daily sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbled from behind his mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replied, "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggled to ask again, "Nurse, please check to see if my testicles are black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from the obvious stress over his testicles, she overcame her embarrassment and pulled back the covers. She lifted his gown, reached for his testicles and looked at them closely.
"Really, I see no reason for concern, sir. They seem to be perfectly fine."
At this point, the man pulled off his oxygen mask, a smile slowly spreading across his face. Then he said in very measured words, "I want to thank you. That was quite pleasant but, listen...... very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
MONTANA GRIZZLY BEAR NOTICE
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.
We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper.
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little rat, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight!!!"
Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought ! I'd gone deaf."
Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.
Rick,
I just read that drunk pulled over by an officer on another board, not 2 minutes ago!
Your alias wouldn't be "Al" would it?
No, I got that in an email this morning.
Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.
are you accusing rick of being unfaithful? sowing his twinkies elsewhere?
Nope. Looks like Rick and Al get the same email.
Did you know Cheerios really don't grow into donut trees? I never knew...
I'm just wondering, why make a whole other thread for jokes? Now I don't know which one to post in.
"He who throws dirt is losing ground"
Think twice as hard. Post in both.
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Hey...I want some seeds for some twinky plants!!!!!sowing his twinkies elsewhere?
Hey rick, why you always picking on us Irish? You say'n we're drunks or something?
There is no greater solitude than that of the Tracker in the forest, unless perhaps it's that of the wolf in the wilderness.
Did I mention I have some Irish in me?
Those Irish stereotypes make me so mad, I want to get drunk and punch someone.
Originally Posted by bulrush
Did I mention I have some Irish in me?
Those Irish stereotypes make me so mad, I want to get drunk and punch someone.
Ahh, now thats frikken funny!
She was so blonde…
she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said “concentrate”
she put lipstick on her forehead because whe wanted to make up her mind
she got stabbed in a shoot-out
she told me to meet her at the corner of WALK and DON’T WALK
she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday
she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
she tried to drown a fish
she thought a quarterback was a refund
she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back
What's the mating call of a blonde?
"I'm drunk."
What's the mating call of a brunette?
"I said I'm drunk!!!!!!"
Artificial Intelegence?? Blonde that dyes hair brunette.
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