The Funny Thread

[Proud American]

Chuck Norris's favorite Chuck Norris Jokes

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
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For All your Chuck Norris Neads here is the best site
http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/

[Beo]

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.

[bulrush]

Why did the blonde return the box of M&M's to the store?

Because they all said "W".

[Rick]

A blind man walks into a bar. "Hey, anyone want to hear a good blond joke?"

The bartender says, "Before you start, I'd like to let you know that I'm 6 foot 140 pounds. I'm a body builder, I'm female and I'm blond. There are two female body builders sitting behind you. Both are also black belts in karate. Our bouncer is a female, 6'2", 260 and can rip the NY phone book in half with her hands. Now, you want to tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a minute then says, "No. Not if I have to explain it four times."

[crashdive123]

Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in.

Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, 'My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, 'Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!'

[Assassin Pilot]

(might be offensive)

Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.

[crashdive123]

Nope - not offensive - not funny, but not offensive.

[Assassin Pilot]

Well then, maybe I just have a sick sense of humor because I have a cold or something right now.

[farquhar]

well, this isn't really a joke, but if you want to giggle uncontrollably, check this out. http://www.flash-fun.com/html/funniest_laugh.php

[Alpine_Sapper]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub

[Rick]

You may be a Taliban if ...

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

[crashdive123]

Speaking of Taliban.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

[Rick]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

[bulrush]

Rick,
re: Taliban jokes,
Few people will realize how many of those items are actually based on fact.

[crashdive123]

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the city’s stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, “How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy.”

He bought the “picture,” but on the way home remembered that his wife, Lizzy, didn’t much like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

The man’s many trips to the barn began to draw Lizzy’s suspicion. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, “So that’s the ugly witch he’s runnin’ around with.”

[Assassin Pilot]

Nice ones Rick and Crash



A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him, ''I scr*wed your mom last night!'' Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him.

Again, he hears, ''Your mom was good in bed last night!'' Again, he tries to ignore it.

The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, ''Dad, go home, you're drunk!''

[Aurelius95]

Chuck Norris's favorite Chuck Norris Jokes
http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/

I think my personal favorite is:

In his spare time, Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters, and by "knit", I mean "kick", and in "sweaters", I mean "babies".

By the way, Happy 68th B-day to Chuck yesterday.

[Aurelius95]

A lady brings her miniature schnauzer to vet, complaining that it doesn't come when she calls it. The vet assures her that the dog's ears are fine, but it just has a build up of hair in his ears, making it difficult to hear. He then explains that she should apply some Nair (hair removal) in its ears, and things should clear up nicely.

The lady goes to the pharmacist and says, "I need some Nair, please."

The pharmacist says to the woman, "If you apply this to your legs, don't ride a bicycle for a few days."

She says, "I'm not putting it on my legs."

The pharmacist replies, "In that case, if you're putting it on your underarms, don't use any deodorant."

She says, "I'm not putting it under my arms."

He asks, "Well, what do you need it for?"

She replies, "I'm putting it on my schnauzer".

"Oh, in that case, then no underwear."

[Assassin Pilot]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

[Assassin Pilot]

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.

He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."

So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.

When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren

...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.