The Funny Thread

[trax]

what question can one never answer? is it the one that isn't asked? that works for me

what's the difference between a coke head and a tweaker?

They'll both steal your money, but a tweaker will help you look for it after.

[Rick]

A worm was crawling over the railroad tracks when a train came whizzing by. The worm almost made it but the train cut off the last portion of the worm. The worm turned around and started back over the tracks and another train came along and cut off its head. The moral? Don't loose your head over a piece of tail.

[trax]

Hey Rick...this is the funny thread ok? Just for future reference there buddy, just trying to help ya out.

[Rick]

You obviously haven't read some of the others on here.

[trax]

You obviously haven't read some of the others on here.

I've just come to expect better from you, the quality of your previous work, know what I mean?

[canid]

President Bush is giving a press confrence when a journalist rises and asks:

'Mr President, what can you say to the reports that 3 Brazilian soldiers where killed in a raid on a suspected al Qaeda stronghold yesterday?'

the President looks up, his stern face becomming somber. a tear wells in his eye and rolls down. 'I had no idea...' he said. 'what have we done?'

the journalist responds 'in this was, over 500 Coalition members and Contractors have been killed, 30,000 Iraqi forces and over 9,000 in Coalition allied Iraqi security forces. why this sudden change of heart?'

the President looks up and says 'look! i know you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs, but that's just.... i mean that's... wait, how many is in a Brazilian?'

[nell67]

ROTFLMAO! And it has nothing to do with the joke itself canid,but rather the typo in it that got me!

[canid]

ah yes; teats in President Bush's eye would be a bit funnier.

[nell67]

Seems president Bush has a little Clintonism going on huh????LOL!

[crashdive123]

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City
Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning
to kill him.

The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked,
"How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to
kill ya?"

"No," replied the nervous immigrant.

"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?"
"No."

"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?"
"No."

"Then why did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" asked the
exasperated police officer.

"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison
me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.

The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and
started to laugh out loud.

The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny?
Can't you see the label on bottle said 'Polish Remover'?"

[Assassin Pilot]

hahahhaaha, nice


how many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?
it depends on how hard you throw them

[Tony uk]

If you have $5 and Chuck Noris has $5 dollars, Chuck Noris has more money than you

Chuck Noris doesnt start fights, He ends them

Chuck Noris doesnt sleep, He waits

[Assassin Pilot]

If it swims like a duct, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck - but Chuck Norris says it's a dog - then it's a dog

[Beo]

If Shmuck Norris has a boot in his azz... and you don't, then Shmuck Norris.... lol... can't even finish this... lol... you guys are frig'n nuts... lol....

[crashdive123]

Careful now. Don't want to make Chuck mad.

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[Catfish]

Below are four ( 4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?


Let's find out just how clever you really are....



Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)











First Question :
You are participating in a r ace. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?





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Answer : If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person then you take his place. You are second!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?

Second Question :
If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down)



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





Answer : If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?


You're not very good at this, are you?






Third Question :
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator . Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 ... Now add 30 . Add another 1000. Now add 20 Now add another 1000 . Now add 10 . What is the total?


Scroll down for answer.....









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100 .



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it ? Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe..



Fourth Question :

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?












~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.

[canid]

spamn-it the addition one actually got me.

[Tony uk]

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot *** kicking in real-time.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

[Catfish]

See, I have a tough time viewing Chuck Norris as a tough guy. Oh yes, he could kick my *** I'm sure, but then most people could, so that's not saying much. I've only suffered through a couple of his movies and "Walker Texas Ranger" is pure comedy so I don't claim to know him very well. But to me he just seems like someone playing the part of a tough guy. And not particularly well at that. I mean just look at him! The dweeby haircut and precious little beard...I've seen tougher looking computer programmers.

I also didn't think there was anything "cool" about The Fonz, remember John Wayne's legendary swagger as being rather effeminate, and could never see Jerry Seinfeld as the babe magnet he like to portray himself as in his sit-com.

Maybe it's just me.

[crashdive123]

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."