Joke of the day.

[Sarge47]

Here ya go gang!

A Blonde's Year in Review


January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited......finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months......
Box said ' 2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....
They are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'......there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!



THE BEST BLONDE JOK E OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the
mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box
and again, opened it, slammed it shut again.. Angrily, back into the
house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out
again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed
harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

(Are you ready? This is a beauty.....)

'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

[Rick]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans' he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they continue shopping.

A few aisles further the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

HUSBAND DOWN!, HUSBAND DOWN!, AISLE 7

[2dumb2kwit]

What A Woman!

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck....

[Sarge47]

3 men show up at the gates of heaven only to be told by St. Peter that he only has room for one so whoever has the most interesting story gets to enter.

The 1st man starts: "Well, I was suspicious that my wife was cheating on me so I went home to our apartment in the middle of the day & burst into her bedroom. There she was, laying naked on top of the bed, but I didn't see anybody else, so I started taking a real good look around. That's when I noticed that her bedroom window was open and I saw these man-size fingers holding onto the ledge, so I smashed them with a hammer. He let go & dropped 8 stories. I looked out the window and saw him falling but he landed on an awning, rolled off, and made it safely to the ground. Angry, I quickly got my refridgerator over to the window & threw it out! It landed on top of him & killed him. I was arrested, tried, found guilty and was sentenced to death so here I am."

"Wow," St. Peter said, "that was intense." He turned to the 2nd man and asks: "So how did you die?"

"Well," The 2nd man replied, "I was working on my terrace on my 9th floor apartment when the wind caught me just right & I fell! Luckily I caught onto this widow ledge of the apartment below. Then some creep starts beating on my fingers with a hammer so I had no choice but to let go. I fell 8 floors but I landed on an awning, rolled off of it, and hit the ground, safely. Then, out of nowhere a fridge lands on me, killing me!"

"Hmmm," St.Peter murmers, then turns to the 3rd guy and asks him how he bought it.

"I was making love to this beautiful married woman when I hear her husband coming home early. So I look for a quick hiding place and dive into this refridgerator...!

[Pal334]

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.
He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here should I use, to impress that sweet young thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I'd try the ATM in the lobby"

[finallyME]

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
...and how was your day?

[finallyME]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else
to hold them while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using
the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
timer.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be
afraid to cough, solving the problem.

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape.. If it doesn't
move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and it does, use
the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES; NOT REALLY GOOD FOR
ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

[the survivalist]

funny joke! it was a good laugh!

[Sarge47]

funny joke! it was a good laugh!

Hey survialist, I saw from both your profile page & your IP address that your soon to be an Eagle Scout & hail from Montgomery Alabama. My best on your Scouting endeavors! Why not go to the introduction section and tell us more about your self?

[Sarge47]

Dear Abbey,

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge
credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them
off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the
minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can
hardly keep up with the interest.Also he has been so arrogant and
abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us.
The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of
expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten
religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with
people who say the Pope is the anti-Christ, and the next he's with
Muslims. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone
can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath.

It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?

Signed, Lost in Washington, DC
---------------------------------------------------

Dear Lost:

Stop whining, Michelle. You can divorce the jerk any time you want.
You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world,
and have others pay for everything for you. The rest of us are stuck
with the Idiot for two more years!

[Rick]

In The Confessional.....

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

[kyratshooter]

Wife asks husband to go to the store.

"We need a carton of milk and if they have eggs get 6."

30 minute latter the husband returns with 6 cartons of milk.

Wife asks,"Why did you get 6 cartons of milk?"

Husband answers, "Because they had eggs."

[crashdive123]

Looks like sound logic to me.

[Pal334]

Good CYA guy, thats the way to go

[Winnie]

Left brain at it's best!

[Rick]

I don't get it. 6 cartons of milk sounds right to me. What am I missing?

[Sarge47]

I don't get it. 6 cartons of milk sounds right to me. What am I missing?

And what if she'd said: "...and if they have eggs, get a dozen?" Sheesh! There's no pleasin' some women!

[kyratshooter]

A Good Wife;

A good wife will love you no matter what happens
A good wife will always be there when you need her
A good wife will make you feel like a King
She will make you feel ten feet tall
A good wife will be behind you no matter what adversity comes your way

Nope, sorry, my mistake,

its whisky that does all that!

[Jay]

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE .. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was
a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

[kyratshooter]

Pirate walks into a bar and the bartender is shocked.

"Good Lord Pete you lost a leg, a hand and an eye! What happened?" the bartender asks.

"We got into a battle with the French and I lost the leg. Then we got into a battle with the Dutch and I lost the Hand. then a bird pooped in my eye and it was gone."

"Bird poop will not put out your eye Pete!" The bartender answered.

"Nope, but it was my first day with the hook!"