Joke of the day.

[Rick]

I just received an early Christmas present. My wife bought me an ATV!!!!!

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[2dumb2kwit]

I just received an early Christmas present. My wife bought me an ATV!!!!!

Glad to see that you're wearing your hemmit! LOL

[2dumb2kwit]

Cletus & Billy Bob

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."

[Rick]

Looks like someone is getting a chunk of coal in their stocking this year.

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[Rick]

I got to visit with Santa at the mall yesterday. I've put in my request.

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[canid]

that's where she was having trouble before: the caribou and salmon didn't have beacons on them.

[2dumb2kwit]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

[Rick]

A grand daughter's letter to Santa.

Dear Santa,

Please bring clothes for all those poor ladies on Grandpa's computer.

Love,

Chelsea

[Justin Case]

A grand daughter's letter to Santa.

Dear Santa,

Please bring clothes for all those poor ladies on Grandpa's computer.

Love,

Chelsea

ROFL !! hahahaha

[BENESSE]

* ATD: At The Doctor's

* BFF: Best Friend Farted

* BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

* BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM: Covered By Medicare

* CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

* DWI: Driving While Incontinent

* FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

* FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

* FYI: Found Your Insulin

* GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

* GHA: Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

* IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

* LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL: Living On Lipitor


* LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

* OMMR: On My Massage Recliner


* OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

* ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

* SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

* TTYL: Talk To You Louder

* WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

* WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

* WTP: Where's The Prunes?

* WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

[Justin Case]

Ha hahahaha,, going to spread this

[Sarge47]

*PCMD: Please change my Depends.

[Rick]

Year to date statistics on Airport pat-down screening from the TSA

Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Incontinence 6,418
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3

[Pal334]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean no sex since 1955! Come with me." She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterward, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

Gotta love military time

[2dumb2kwit]

I just got off the phone with a friend in North Dakota . He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all day.



He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

[BENESSE]

I just got off the phone with a friend in North Dakota . He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all day.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in .

...before she sets the house on fire with him in it, for warmth.

[crashdive123]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

[BENESSE]

What is it about blonds?

[crashdive123]

What is it about blonds?

Don't know. Remember that beauty contestant's answer that was heard around the world?

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[BENESSE]

Hard to forget.