Joke of the day.

[tsitenha]

Ok NCO, I can't wait anymore,

who did go outside?

[crashdive123]

Ok NCO, I can't wait anymore,

who did go outside?

The Swedish - with their Mora Knives. With one of those awesome tools they can survive anything.

[Pal334]

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel ,
"Pick up your shovels, mount your a***s and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said,
"Lay down your shovels, sit on your a***s, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, ***** has stolen your shovel, taxed your a***s, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.
I was then connected to a call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck....

[tsitenha]

I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck....

Now thats funny

[Pal334]

A really bad day



There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when

a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me,

grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.



"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly,
as I burst into tears.



"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd
CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."



"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a
complete failure.

I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car

had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home.

I found my wife in bed with the gardener,

and then my dog bit me."



"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an
end to it all,

I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here
watching the poison dissolve.



Then you, show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[Pal334]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana
and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style

house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young..
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in

rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I
got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh**.

[Pal334]

Those of you who have not retired yet can see why we love it!!
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount..

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who continues to work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer : If you cut classes, no one can call your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Question: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday to Friday; Nothing, Saturday & Sunday I rest.

Happiness is a voyage, not a destination,
There is no better time to be happy than... NOW
Summary of Life
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

[Old GI]

"2) Wrinkles don't hurt.", but a whole lot of what caused them did.

[Rick]

I don't have wrinkles. I try to eat enough to keep them filled out.

[kyratshooter]

What's the difference between a terrorist and a red headed woman having a bad day?


You can negotiate with a terrorist.

[BLEUXDOG]

That's what they were trying to do. Negotiate.

[Rick]

F.a.r.t Iq Test

First Question:

You Are A Participant In A Race. You Overtake The Second Person. What Position Are You In?



Answer: If You Answered That You Are First,
Then You Are Absolutely Wrong! If You Overtake The Second Person And You Take His Place, You Are In Second Place!

Try To Do Better Next Time.
Now Answer The Second Question,
But Don’t Take As Much Time As
You Took For The First Question, Ok?
Second Question:
If You Overtake The Last Person, Then You Are....?



Answer: If You Answered That You Are Second To Last, Then You Are..... Wrong Again. Tell Me Sunshine, How Can You Overtake The Last Person??
You’re Not Very Good At This, Are You?
Third Question:
Very Tricky Arithmetic! Note:
This Must Be Done In Your Head Only.
Do Not Use Paper And Pencil Or A Calculator.
Try It.



Take 1000 And Add 40 To It. Now Add Another 1000 Now Add 30.
Add Another 1000. Now Add 20 ... Now Add Another 1000.
Now Add 10. What Is The Total?


Scroll Down For The Correct Answer....



Did You Get 5000?

The Correct Answer Is Actually 4100...if You Don't Believe It, Check It With A Calculator!
Today Is Definitely Not Your Day, Is It?maybe You’ll Get The Last Question Right.... Maybe...fourth Question:
Mary 's Father Has Five Daughters:

1. nana,2. Nene,3. Nini,4. Nono, And???
2. what Is The Name Of The Fifth Daughter?

Did You Answer Nunu? No! Of Course It Isn't.
Her Name Ismary! Read The Question Again!
Okay, Now The Bonus Round,
I.e., A Final Chance To
Redeem Yourself:
A Mute Person Goes Into A Shop And Wants To Buy A Toothbrush.
By Imitating The Action Of Brushing His Teeth He
Successfully Expresses Himself To The Shopkeeper And The Purchase Is Done.
Next, A Blind Man Comes Into The Shop Who Wants To Buy A
Pair Of Sunglasses; How Does He Indicate What He Wants?



It's Really Very Simple…
He Opens His Mouth And Asks For It…
Does Your Employer Actually Pay You To Think??
If So Do Not Let Them See Your Answers For This Test!

[Pal334]

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to any of you who fly routinely.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

[2dumb2kwit]

Three golfers,Jesus,Moses and an old man,get to the 18th tee.It's all tied.All three have the same score.Jesus' second shot goes into the water and lands on a rock.He walks on the water out to the ball and hits it within a foot of the hole.Moses' second shot also goes into the water and sinks.He parts the water and then hits his ball within a foot of the hole.The old man also hits his second shot into the water,but it lands on a water lily.A frog comes out of the water and takes the ball.Just then a bird swoops down and grabs the frog and carries him,with the ball,right over the 18th hole where the frog drops the ball right into the cup.Moses turns to Jesus and says,''You know,I really hate playing with your Dad.''

[Justin Case]

Hillbilly Spelling test



M R ducks
M R not
O S A R
C M wangs?
L I B! M R ducks

M R snakes
M R not
O S A R
C M B D eyes?
L I B! M R snakes

M R mice
M R not
O S A R
C M E D B D feet?
L I B! M R mice

M R farmers
M R not
O S A R
C M M T pockets
L I B! M R farmers

M R puppies
M R not
O S A R
C M P N
L I B! M R puppies


Translation of the Hillbilly Spelling Test

Them are ducks
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them wings?
Well I'll be! Them are ducks

Them are snakes
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them beady eyes?
Well I'll be! Them are snakes

Them are mice
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them itty bitty feet?
Well I'll be! Them are mice

Them are farmers
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them empty pockets?
Well I'll be! Them are farmers

Them are puppies
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them peeing?
Well I'll be! Them are puppies

[kyratshooter]

Bad joke JC. Not translatable to real life.

Take it from one that lives in the heart of Redneckia and grew up speaking Southern, I had to think about the translation before I could understand that dialect.

That is what people from Kalifornia "think" Rednecks talk like. the actual usage is more like this;

"U kaint unerstan hlf wht ary one of em damyankees outwes sez."

It sounds even better if you say it with a mouth full of marshmellows! That give you the Broomhower effect.

Yes, I have a Phd and have to fight daily not to talk like that. I have lost jobs due to the accent.

You need to get on Amazon and find a copy of How To Speak Southern.

http://www.amazon.com/How-Speak-Sout.../dp/0553275194

Now keep in mind that this is actually the English dialect that was spoken my the early settlers. The real historic english. What passes for American English is a warped form of the language modified to fit the Irish, Italian, German and Polish speaker capabilities as they immigrated, mostly to the northern states. They could not say part of the true English words and warped the language to fit what their limited vocal capabilities allowed them to say. Then the midwest got a shot of the Scandinavian limitations and someone decided, about when national radio networks developed, that the midwestern accent should be the standard.

Now everyone thinks the talking heads are speaking properly and accept it as fact.

You should come to one of our family reunions, we'll show you haow to talk southern. Everyone needs to know how. There are aspects and advantages of the southern dialect that only them chosen and blessed to be southern know about.

[Rick]

The real historic english.

Maybe we should not let the British know about this. You know how persnickety they can get.

[kyratshooter]

Saw this and immidiately thought about AKS and SD on their outhouse runs this winter.

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

[Pal334]

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They are SO on my sh__ list ...

[Winnie]

Bad joke JC. Not translatable to real life.

Take it from one that lives in the heart of Redneckia and grew up speaking Southern, I had to think about the translation before I could understand that dialect.

That is what people from Kalifornia "think" Rednecks talk like. the actual usage is more like this;

"U kaint unerstan hlf wht ary one of em damyankees outwes sez."

It sounds even better if you say it with a mouth full of marshmellows! That give you the Broomhower effect.

Yes, I have a Phd and have to fight daily not to talk like that. I have lost jobs due to the accent.

You need to get on Amazon and find a copy of How To Speak Southern.

http://www.amazon.com/How-Speak-Sout.../dp/0553275194

Now keep in mind that this is actually the English dialect that was spoken my the early settlers. The real historic english. What passes for American English is a warped form of the language modified to fit the Irish, Italian, German and Polish speaker capabilities as they immigrated, mostly to the northern states. They could not say part of the true English words and warped the language to fit what their limited vocal capabilities allowed them to say. Then the midwest got a shot of the Scandinavian limitations and someone decided, about when national radio networks developed, that the midwestern accent should be the standard.

Now everyone thinks the talking heads are speaking properly and accept it as fact.

You should come to one of our family reunions, we'll show you haow to talk southern. Everyone needs to know how. There are aspects and advantages of the southern dialect that only them chosen and blessed to be southern know about.

That could explain why I understand a Southern accent then!