Joke of the day.

[hunter63]

Not really a joke, but I can relate.

Speaking of Marines.....................


If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!


A United States Marine was taking some college courses
between assignments. He had completed 20 missions in Iraq
and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who
was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.


One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.
He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "GOD, if you are real, then
I want you to knock me off this platform... I'll give you exactly 15 min."
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes
went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got
out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him;
knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.
The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there
looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to,
noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked,
"What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied,
"GOD was too busy today protecting America's
soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid
stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me."

The classroom erupted in cheers!

[Pal334]

I suppose you can always "play dead".
Works for Mr. B.

Hmmm,, I should share the best "trick" with him. Always get that last words in during an arguement, "Yes Dear"

[BENESSE]

This might help clarify some basics:

[BENESSE]

Hmmm,, I should share the best "trick" with him. Always get that last words in during an arguement, "Yes Dear"

Works for me!

[Justin Case]

Not really a joke, but I can relate.

Speaking of Marines.....................


If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!


A United States Marine was taking some college courses
between assignments. He had completed 20 missions in Iraq
and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who
was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.


One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.
He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "GOD, if you are real, then
I want you to knock me off this platform... I'll give you exactly 15 min."
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes
went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got
out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him;
knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.
The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there
looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to,
noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked,
"What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied,
"GOD was too busy today protecting America's
soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid
stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me."

The classroom erupted in cheers!

is he still in Jail ?

[Rick]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the frothy head.

The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened.

The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you little twit!"

[Rick]

Q: What's the most successful pickup line ever?
A: "Does this smell like chloroform?"

[Pal334]

Never squat with yer spurs on.

There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman; neither one works.

Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

Never smack a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.

It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back in.

Finally, never miss a good chance to shut up.

[2dumb2kwit]

A $50 Lesson.

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.

She said she wanted to be President someday.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her: "If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied: "I'd give food to the homeless people."

Her parents beamed with pride.

"Wow... what a worthy goal," I told her. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my patio, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked: "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'

I said: "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

[Justin Case]

who would hire a homeless guy, no car, dirty clothes, sick and hungry ?

[2dumb2kwit]

who would hire a homeless guy, no car, dirty clothes, sick and hungry ?

Evil, rich, white guys I guess. Isn't that who hires the dirty, hungry, illegal aliens, that don't have cars? You know....the ones who are the reason for the illegals coming here.

[2dumb2kwit]

who would hire a homeless guy, no car, dirty clothes, sick and hungry ?

LOL...you know....as hard a time as you have seeing the point, I bet you cut yourself every time you pick up a knife! LOL

[Pal334]

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary Rifle doesn't mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup.

#6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A Rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Rifles function normally every day of the month.

#3. A Rifle doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A Rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a Rifle is favored over a woman:

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR IT.

[Pal334]

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=078_1281746816


The latest CIA intel from the border region of Pakistan has been released by the Whitehouse today. The video is of good quality and shows a new training method for front line Taliban forces. The main cause of death for the Taliban is currently the AH-64 Apache used by the USA and UK forces in Afghanistan. This cutting edge warplane can see in pitch darkness and from many miles away. Most of the engagments take the Taliban by complete suprise and due to this they have developed the 'Alach al hamimm' or 'run like ****' evasion method.
As can clearly be seen in this video the procedure is to at first move off slowly and build up speed whilst constantly looking over your shoulder and screaming like a girl. This advanced manuver can be performed by all members of a Taliban patrol, or at least all those left after the initial strike.
US Army General Max ****enburger stated that the running machine 'was in no way a substitute for one of my Apaches chasing you at 20 feet whilst trying to push 20mm shells up your ***'.
The CIA have commented on the release saying 'Pakistan only has 3 running machines, 2 of which are having servicability issues after being fitted with Iranian made parts.'
The Pakistan government say they know nothing.

[Rick]

And in other news.....

The Taliban has been successful in training monkeys to fight Americans. Said Taliban commander Achbin Mohammed, "They are easy to train. Much smarter than most Taliban fighters and they have that da@#$ prehensile tail to throw grenades with."

http://news.discovery.com/animals/ta...errorists.html

[crashdive123]

So that's what screaming like a little school girl sounds like.

[BENESSE]

AARP eye chart:

[crashdive123]

I need to update my prescription.

[Pal334]

B,,, you are a mean woman

[Rick]

I bought a new Ford truck yesterday and after playing with all the gizmos, knobs and switches I had to take it back to the dealership because I couldn't figure out how to work the radio.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few hours, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Last night, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him.

I yelled, 'Azz Hole!'

Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, The President of The United States.

I'm gonna love this truck!