Joke of the day.

**BENESSE** · 03-05-2010, 04:17 PM

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you.
While reading these keep in mind that these are first
graders... "6" year-olds, because the last one is classic!

Better to be safe than.......................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the..............................bug is close.
It's always darkest before...................Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of...........termites.
You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
Don't bite the hand that.....................looks dirty.
No news is.....................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a........................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll.............stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.................................me.
The pen is mightier than the.................pigs.
An idle mind is................................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.
Happy the bride who..........................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is...............................not much.
Two's company, three's.......................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what.............you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as....................Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not..............spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed.................get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you......see in the picture on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind.............get out of the way.

And the favorite:

Better late than...............................pregnant!!!!

**2dumb2kwit** · 03-05-2010, 05:31 PM

Now I might just use this one! LOL

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose.

**huntermj** · 03-07-2010, 08:42 PM

Another Dumb Blond Joke
submitted by a reader

- The Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist touring the clubs is doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, the goes through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 2nd row stands on her chair and shouts: "I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a persona because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes but women in general .. and all in the name of humor".
Quite taken aback, the embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde yells again, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little ******** on your knee!!!"

**huntermj** · 03-07-2010, 08:43 PM

"That's Strange"

A man named William Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone: "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative.
He suggested the following; "Here Lies a Man who was BOTH honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:
"That's Strange!!"

**Justin Case** · 03-07-2010, 09:21 PM

Originally Posted by huntermj

Another Dumb Blond Joke
submitted by a reader

- The Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist touring the clubs is doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, the goes through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 2nd row stands on her chair and shouts: "I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a persona because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes but women in general .. and all in the name of humor".
Quite taken aback, the embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde yells again, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little ********* on your knee!!!"

LOLOL Good One !!

**hunter63** · 03-08-2010, 12:31 PM

A Frog Walks Into A Bank

He approaches the teller. He can see from her nametag that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. He says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."

**crashdive123** · 03-08-2010, 12:38 PM

Ya know - I saw it coming - but kept reading anyway.

**Ken** · 03-09-2010, 10:36 PM

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?

"Sure is Bubba. But why are you asking?

"Cause what I wana know is, I was thinkin', "can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with ?"

**crashdive123** · 03-09-2010, 10:51 PM

Well?????????

**Julie362** · 03-09-2010, 10:57 PM

Oh God, that lizard story is fantastic! I have a gecko of my own, but it is female. You can often tell the sex of a lizard of any type by the presence or absence of the hemipenal "buldge". Small or no buldge = female, large buldge = male. It's at the base of the tail. Some snakes give live birth, but no lizards do that I know of! Great names as well!

**Pal334** · 03-10-2010, 09:54 AM

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh**.

**Rick** · 03-10-2010, 09:42 PM

How Dinosaurs Became Extinct...

**rebel** · 03-13-2010, 04:14 PM

A man was in a horrible accident and it involved his "man-ness" (?).

The reconstruction Doc said that reconstruction surgery would be about one thousand dollars an inch and that the man should confer with his wife on what would be appropriate.

After some time had elapsed the Doc called the patient to see what they had decided.

The man said: "we're going with the granite counter-tops"!

**2dumb2kwit** · 03-23-2010, 12:23 PM

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain
to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff
wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced,
"I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled
down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another
round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert
the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT
until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people
walking past his door, laughing..... After about 20 minutes, the man's Doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen
someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."

**Justin Case** · 03-23-2010, 01:29 PM

Originally Posted by 2dumb2kwit

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain
to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff
wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced,
"I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled
down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another
round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert
the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT
until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people
walking past his door, laughing..... After about 20 minutes, the man's Doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen
someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."

Ha ha ha,, LOL LOL GOOD ONE !!

**2dumb2kwit** · 03-23-2010, 01:37 PM

Originally Posted by Justin Case

Ha ha ha,, LOL LOL GOOD ONE !!

LOL...were you here, when Ken was in the hospital with dingleberryitus???

**Rick** · 03-23-2010, 01:57 PM

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**Justin Case** · 03-23-2010, 02:00 PM

Originally Posted by 2dumb2kwit

LOL...were you here, when Ken was in the hospital with dingleberryitus???

LOL,, No,, Now its even funnier !

**Sarge47** · 03-25-2010, 07:07 AM

Two Irish Women in a Bar:

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a
While, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help
But think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in
Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what
Street did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in
The west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central
Part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world.
So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy
Heart of Mary, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so
Did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I
Graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be
Smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at
Winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe
It? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and
Orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his
Head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

**Justin Case** · 03-25-2010, 08:57 AM

ROFLMBO !!!! Good one !

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