Joke of the day.

[crashdive123]

Speaking of Toyota - if the brakes don't work and the accelerator sticks......how come they didn't win the Daytona 500?

[Pal334]

> As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember
>
> 1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
> An impressive new book. It's called .........
> 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'
>
>
> 2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
> And be Mary.
>
>
> 3. The difference between the Pope and
> Your boss, the Pope only expects you
> To kiss his ring.
>
> 4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant
> Flash and it is gone.
>
>
> 5. The only time the world beats a path to
> Your door is if you're in the bathroom.
>
> 6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
> The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
> That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
>
>
> 7. It used to be only death and taxes
> Now, of course, there's
> shipping and handling, too.
>
>
>
> 8... A husband is someone who, after taking
> the trash out, gives the impression that
> he just cleaned the whole house.
>
>
> 9 My next house will have no kitchen - just
> Vending machines and a large trash can.
>
> 10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my
> Mechanic might try to rip me off.
> I was relieved when he told me all
> I needed was turn signal fluid.'
>
>
> 11. Definition of a teenager?
> God's punishment...for enjoying sex.
>
> 12. As you slide down the banister of life, may
> The splinters never point the wrong way.

[crashdive123]

Think you're having a bad day?

[Sarge47]

Think you're having a bad day?

Here's another one....(Note: This is NOT a DISCUSSION of politics, but just a reporting of facts!)

http://gatewaypundit.firstthings.com...s-gras-parade/

heh-heh.

[hunter63]

Ole's Mule

>
>>
>> Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking
>> company's lawyer was questioning Ole.
>>
>>
>>
>> 'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, ?'
>> asked the lawyer.
>>
>>
>>
>> Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded
>> my favorite mule, Bessie, into da.....'
>>
>>
>>
>> 'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer
>> the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
>> fine'?
>>
>>
>>
>> Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas
>> driving down da road... .
>>
>>
>>
>> The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to
>> establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
>> the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
>> weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he
>> is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
>>
>>
>>
>> By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and
>> said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
>> favorite mule, Bessie'.
>>
>>
>>
>> Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had
>> yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving
>> her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop
>> sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one
>> ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and
>> didn't vant to move. However, I could hear
>>
>> Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by
>> her groans'. 'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he
>> came to da scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he
>> vent over to her'...
>>
>>
>>
>> 'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his
>> gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.
>>
>>
>>
>> Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked
>> at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'
>>
>>
>>
>> 'Now vat da hell vould YOU say?
>>

[Justin Case]

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."

"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were." Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

( I hope I did not break any rules ?)

[Sarge47]

Lemon Pickers Wanted !!

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this:
"Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!


"I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Obama.

[Justin Case]

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

[Pal334]

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies.
"You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America , and the other to Australia .. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers.
The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

[Justin Case]

Redneck Medical Terms
Benign - What you be, after you be eight.
Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when patients die
Cesarean section - a neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - a sheep dog
coma- a punctuation mark
D & C - Where Washington is
Dilate - to live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - quicker than someone else
Fibula - a small lie
Genital - a non-Jewish person
GI series - world series of military baseball
Hangnail - what you hang your coat on
Impotent - distinguished, well-known
Labor pain - getting hurt at work
medical staff - a doctor's cane
Morbid - a higher offer
Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - a person who has fainted
Pap Smear - A fatherhood test
Pelvis - second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - a letter carrier
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rectum - darn near killed him
Secretion - hiding something
Seizure - a Roman emperor
Tablet - a small table
Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport
Tumor - one plus one more
Urine - opposite of you're out
Varicose - nearby / close by

[Justin Case]

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

[2dumb2kwit]

I can't remember if this has been posted, or not.
Oh, well.....here it is, anyway.

An old farmer from back in the woods orders himself a mail order bride. After going to town to pick her up and stand in front of the judge for the ceremony, he tells her that his horse has come up lame on the way to town so he needs to go to the livery to buy a new one.

After hitching the new horse to the wagon they are on thier way to the farm when the horse just stops. No amount of coaxing will get the horse going, so the ole farmer takes out a bullwhip and says "Thats one horse" as the whip cracks on the horses haunches.

A few miles down the road the horse stops again. Again the horse can't be made to move until the whip comes out. "Thats two horse" yells the farmer as the whip cracks.

Another mile down the road and the horse stops again. Nothing will make the horse take another step. The farmer climbs down off the wagon and proceeds to unhitch the horse. He then retrieves his rifle from the wagon and takes aim. "That's three horse" he says right before pulling the trigger. He turns to his new bride and tells her "The farm house is only another four miles, we'll just have to walk from here, I'll come back with another horse for the wagon, later."

His bride goes ballistic, berating him. He eventually gets her hushed up then looks at her and says "Thats one woman."

[Sarge47]

The Prospector's Dance

Have You Ever Danced?

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas
leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only
saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the
saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there,
brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young
gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a
bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed,
saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at
the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted
to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,
"Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at
the old man's feet. The old prospect or, not wanting to get a toe
blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger,
still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into
the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a
double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks
carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger
heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence
was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at
the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's
hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's a$$?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and s aid, "No sir..... but...
I've always wanted to."




There are a few lessons for us all here:




Never be arrogant.

Don't waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

Heh-heh!

[Sarge47]

Obama administration recognizes George W. Bush.

Obama administration recognizes George W. Bush. We've just heard that
the Obama Administration will be honoring the 43rd President of the
United States by naming the gap between the tectonic plates beneath
Haiti after him.The area will now officially be referred to as "Bush's
Fault."

[Justin Case]

Obama administration recognizes George W. Bush.

Obama administration recognizes George W. Bush. We've just heard that
the Obama Administration will be honoring the 43rd President of the
United States by naming the gap between the tectonic plates beneath
Haiti after him.The area will now officially be referred to as "Bush's
Fault."

**** was certainly a disaster ,

[Pal334]

IF YOU EVER FEEL A LITTLE BIT STUPID, JUST DIG THIS UP AND READ IT AGAIN; YOU'LL BEGIN TO THINK YOU'RE A GENIUS.


(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry.. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark MY PERSONAL FAVORITE!
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.." --Al Gore, Vice President
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix " -- Dan Quayle
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
Feeling smarter yet?
Send it on to?
your brilliant friends.

I just did !!

[Justin Case]

The Service

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.

It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

"What is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

[hunter63]

This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should
have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline,
which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the Customer Care Department.
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently
suing The WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: “Ridge Hall, computer assistance. May I help you?”
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.”
Operator: “What sort of trouble?”
Caller: “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
Operator: “Went away?”
Caller: “They disappeared”
Operator: “Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
Caller: “Nothing.”
Operator: “Nothing??”
Caller: “It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.”
Operator: “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
Caller: “How do I tell?”
Operator: “Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?”
Caller: ”What's a sea-prompt?”
Operator: “Never mind. Can you move your cursor around the screen?”
Caller: “There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type.”
Operator: “Does your monitor have a power indicator??”
Caller: “What's a monitor?”
Operator: “It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on”'
Caller: “I don't know.”
Operator: “Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??”
Caller: “Yes, I think so.”
Operator: “Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.”
Caller: “Yes, it is.”
Operator: “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? “
Caller: “No.”
Operator: “Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
Caller: “Okay, here it is”
Operator: “Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
Caller: “I can't reach it.”
Operator: “OK. Well, can you see if it is plugged in firmly?”
Caller: “No.”
Operator: “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
Caller: “Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.”
Operator: “Dark?”
Caller: “Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
Operator: “Well, turn on the office light then.”
Caller: “I can't.”
Operator: “No? Why not?”
Caller: “Because there's a power failure.”
Operator: “A power ... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?”
Caller: “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
Operator: “Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store that you bought it from.”
Caller: “Really? Is it that bad?”
Operator: “Yes, I'm afraid it is.”
Caller: “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
Operator: “Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!”

[2dumb2kwit]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

[Justin Case]

The Hillbilly Spelling Test

M R ducks
M R not
O S A R
C M wangs?
L I B! M R ducks

M R snakes
M R not
O S A R
C M B D eyes?
L I B! M R snakes

M R mice
M R not
O S A R
C M E D B D feet?
L I B! M R mice

M R farmers
M R not
O S A R
C M M T pockets
L I B! M R farmers

M R puppies
M R not
O S A R
C M P N
L I B! M R puppies
Translation of the Hillbilly Spelling Test

Them are ducks
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them wings?
Well I'll be! Them are ducks

Them are snakes
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them beady eyes?
Well I'll be! Them are snakes

Them are mice
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them itty bitty feet?
Well I'll be! Them are mice

Them are farmers
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them empty pockets?
Well I'll be! Them are farmers

Them are puppies
Them are not
Oh yes they are
See them peeing?
Well I'll be! Them are puppies