Joke of the day.

[nell67]

How do you stop a man breaking into your house? Replace all the locks with bra fasteners

[Ted]

How do you stop a man breaking into your house? Replace all the locks with bra fasteners

Not to brag mind you ,but I can undo 4 hooks faster than kickin' in a door!

[Pal334]

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Three

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these people? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The priest said, "Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George, what's the matter with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist friend and see if there is anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Four

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Five

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Six

Normal people believe that if it isn't broken, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it isn't broken, it doesn't have enough features yet.

-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Seven

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" Replied the architect and artist.
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

-----------------------
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take Eight

One day, an engineer was crossing a road when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look. I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[Swamprat1958]

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said ' 2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn't call 911. 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!




THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'



(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)





' My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

[hunter63]

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
> > >
> > > The following is an actual question given on a
> > > University of Washington chemistry mid term.
> > >
> > > The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the
> > > professor shared it with colleagues, via the
> > > Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
> > > pleasure of enjoying it as well :
> > >
> > >
> > > Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)
> > > or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
> > >
> > > Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
> > > using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and
> > > heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
> > > One student, however, wrote the following:
> > >
> > > First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
> > > changing in time. So we need to know the rate at
> > > which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
> > > which they are leaving. I think that we can safely
> > > assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not
> > > leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. A s for how
> > > many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
> > > different religions that exist in the world today.
> > >
> > > Most of these religions state that if you are not a
> > > member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since
> > > there is more than one of these religions and since
> > > people do not belong to more than one religion, we
> > > can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth
> > > and death rates as they are, we can expect the
> > > number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
> > > Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
> > > Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for
> > > the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the
> > > same, the volume of Hell has to expand
> > > proportionately as souls are added. < /P>
> > >
> > > This gives two possibilities:
> > >
> > > 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the
> > > rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature
> > > and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
> > > breaks loose.
> > >
> > > 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
> > > increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and
> > > pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
> > >
> > > So which is it?
> > >
> > > If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa
> > > during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day
> > > in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into
> > > account the fact that I slept with her last night,
> > > then number two must be true, and thus I am sure
> > > that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
> > > The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has
> > > frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
> > > more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving
> > > only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
> > > divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa
> > > kept shouting
> > > 'Oh my God.'
> > >
> > > THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[hunter63]

Beautiful story of bagpiper late for a funeral.

This is such a beautiful story of a bagpiper who was late for a funeral.
As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral
was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but
this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, Sweet Jeezuz, Mary 'n Joseph, I have never
seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years

[Rick]

Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the chickens had three legs.

The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!"

The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred 'em that way because I love drumsticks."

Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?"

The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven't been able to catch one yet."

[Sarge47]

Thought this might tickle your funnybone!

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.



HOO-AHH!

[hunter63]

What ??????/

[Ken]

Thought this might tickle your funnybone!

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

HOO-AHH!

Sarge? You asked me to read your post. You said that I might find the picture funny. But all I see is a little red "X" in a white box.......

[Sarge47]

"ALL PUNS INTENDED!"
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."


3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.


4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.


5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."


6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"


7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."


8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning.."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.


9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.


10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't
find any.


12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident..
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"


13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.


14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says, "Dam!"


16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.


17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."


18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
a family in Egypt , and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that
she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that
there was a small medium at large.


21. And finally, there was the person who sent 20 different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least 10 of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in 10 did.

[Sarge47]

Union Rules & Hookers----


A dedicated Teamsters
Union worker was attending a convention in
Las Vegas and decided to checkOut the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam,
"Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered


Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man
stomped off down the street
In search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized
shop. His search continued
Until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam
responded, "Why
Yes sir, this is a union house.

We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut
do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room,
and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then
she gesturedTo a 92-year old woman in the corner,

"but Ethel here has 67 years
Seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

[Pal334]

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'
FORGET THE SHRINKS...
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

[oly]

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

[hunter63]

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

LOL, cough, choke, read this to DW, and she stuck out her tongue out at me, good this I didn't read her that yesterday......................

[Rick]

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding...

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a fourth time with the same result.

He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace...

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

You can't fix stupid.

[Sarge47]

And then there was the story about the guy who got caught on camera speeding. He received the citation in the mail along with the photo of him behind the wheel, along with the notification that he now owed a $100 fine. So this "rocket scientist" sends back a photo of a hundred dollar bill. They send back a photo of a pair of handcuffs. He sent them a check for $100 by return mail!

Like Rick says: "you can't fix stupid."

[oly]

LOL, cough, choke, read this to DW, and she stuck out her tongue out at me, good this I didn't read her that yesterday......................

LOL. I think I will read it to my wife now.

Edit. It looked something like this

[2dumb2kwit]

Love Thy Husband
>
> A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his
> checkup, he doctor called the wife into his office alone.
>
> He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease,
> combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband
> will surely die."
>
> "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure
> he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to
> work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him."
>
> "Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't
> discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to
> relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty
> of backrubs."
>
> "Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on
> television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times
> a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months
> to a year, I think your husband will regain his health."
>
> On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor
> say?"
>
> "You're going to die," she replied.

[Winnie]

I picked up my new Toyota Prius today. Chat later, can't stop.........