Joke of the day.

[Rick]

Tiger Woods has a new movie coming out. It's called, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

Nike is going to keep him as their spokesman but they will be changing their tag line to, Just Do Me.

The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I can't remember," Elin said, "just put me down for a 5."

Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.

If you Drink, don’t Drive. If you Drive, use a 3 Iron

Why did Tiger survive the accident? Elin didn’t take enough club.

Q: Whats the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?
A: Tiger has a better Driver.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing

[Pal334]

TALKING CLOCK

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. .

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You a***ole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'

[Pal334]

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for Cable News Network,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . you're NOT my flight instructor?'

[Pal334]

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left... When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell..

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked!!!

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.


Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10 th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods.



I love a happy ending, don't you?

[Rick]

That's pretty funny. Years ago we had a janitor that was a true PITA. We also had an electric heater in the reporting center, which happened to be in the basement of a toll center. I slipped an empty can of sardines into the heater just below the heater element. Took the janitor a while to find it. No one would go in the doghouse until the "cooker" was removed and the CO guys were really upset about the stench. Limburger cheese on an exhaust manifold is real similar....just sayin'

[Pal334]

Traffic Camera
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

[2dumb2kwit]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

' Excuse me, Your Holiness, 'says the driver,'
Would you please take your seat so we can leave? '

' Well, to tell you the truth, ' says the Pope, ' they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today. '

' I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen? ' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

' Who's going to tell? ' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)

' Please slow down, Your Holiness! ' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

' Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job! ' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

' I need to talk to the Chief, ' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 155 kph.

' So bust him, ' says the Chief.

' I don't think we want to do that, he's really important, ' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, ' All the more reason! '

' No, I mean really important, ' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked,' Who do you have there, the mayor? '
Cop: ' Bigger. '

Chief: ' A senator? '
Cop: ' Bigger. '

Chief: ' The Prime Minister? '
Cop: ' Bigger. '

' Well, ' said the Chief, ' who is it? '

Cop: ' I think it's God! '

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, ' What makes you think it's God? '

Cop: ' His chauffeur is the Pope! '

[2dumb2kwit]

Have you ever wondered what the difference between
> Grandmothers and Grandfathers is? Well here it is:
>
> A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made
> a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he
> would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some
> bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday
> however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all.
> Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their
> granddaughter out.
>
> When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs
> to see her Grandfather.
>
> 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'
>
>
> 'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We
> didn't see a single *** hole, dumb bastard, dip **** or horse's *** anywhere
> we went today!'
>
> Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[mountain mama]

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left... When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell..

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked!!!

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.


Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10 th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods.



I love a happy ending, don't you?

At my first wedding, my brother put an open can of sardines under the driver's seat of my car. I immediately pulled over and discarded the source of the awful smell. I should have noticed then that the can was half empty (not to be a pessimist). The other half was on my engine block. The smell lasted 6 weeks!

[2dumb2kwit]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When finished the devil informs him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free.

The devil replies, "Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

[Rick]

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

[Rick]

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

[Rick]

This one's for Ken!!

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

[Rick]

Economic times are pretty tough. This is how I fared this holiday season.

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me a Hallmark Card from the 50% off isle.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me one turtle dove and a promissory note for a turtle dove or similar aviary creature to be paid in full within three business days of receiving her tax refund check.

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me two Jews harps, a piece of paper and a comb.

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me four non-calling birds. Two were road kill, one was found dead in the park and one committed suicide by flying into a window.

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me five golden rings she had planned to mail in to goldkit.com.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me six geese stolen from the park while looking for the dead bird. She should have given me a shovel, too.

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me seven pink flamingos from Dollar General.

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me eight warnings about messing around with maids. Milking or otherwise.

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me nine similar warnings about dancers.

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me an evening to myself so she could go see ten of the Chippendale dancers. I was still thinking about the warnings I guess.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me eleven Pipers Piping. Eleven guys in skirts. Great! She would splurge and get this one right.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me twelve hours of Pay per View. Yes!!!

[oly]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfnBIUUBd1s

[2dumb2kwit]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfnBIUUBd1s

Good one.
I love the old school comedy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qqE_WmagjY

[Pal334]

Questions and Answers from AARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested
in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through
menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement . When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's a** all the way to Egypt ..."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem; retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

[Pal334]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, 'Jesus is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, Clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you.'

The burglar relaxed.. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed . 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

[Pal334]

A short fairy tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl
said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went
fishing and hunting, drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and
left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

[2dumb2kwit]

A short fairy tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl
said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went
fishing and hunting, drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and
left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

(Sniff, Sniff) I just love a happy ending!