Being deployed can change a man...

**doug1980** · 12-11-2009, 05:37 PM

After reading "the wilderness can change a man" by sourdough I was inspired to create this thread.
Have you ever heard a song or saw a sight that brought back memories? It happened to me a few days ago. I was doing my daily checks of the base while listening to my Ipod. The soundtrack for Blackhawk Down started playing and brought with it a rush of memories. I listened to that soundtrack every time I was deployed. Hearing it again made me reflect on what I experienced over there, the good as well as the bad. It also made me realize just how much my life was changed by those experiences. Most of my time there was uneventful but I had several opportunities to see what "War" was all about. It changes a person, perhaps not always in a good way though. What may be surprising to some is that I actually missed it a little. I felt more at home over there than I ever have back here. After my first deployment I begged to go back. I still remember the day I got home like it was yesterday. I felt out of place and unsure what to do. I felt like a stranger in my own home. After 4 months of feeling out of place I went back, where I felt right at home. Maybe I'm just different than most, but I feel like that was were I belonged. Even now I miss it and would go back without hesitation. So I guess my point is we are all different and we all feel out of place from time to time. At least now I know where I feel at home and where I don't.

**COWBOYSURVIVAL** · 12-11-2009, 05:43 PM

Doug,

I've never served in the services....But I do know there is alot in a mans life that will change a man. For me it was real Fatherhood meaning "she has no mommy" or it'd better if she didn't. I stepped up and never regret it. Kinda like you a selfless serving for those you care about. Nah it'll never change, you'll put it first and foremost in your life and you'll be lost without it.

**doug1980** · 12-11-2009, 05:48 PM

Originally Posted by COWBOYSURVIVAL

Doug,

I've never served in the services....But I do know there is alot in a mans life that will change a man. For me it was real Fatherhood meaning "she has no mommy" or it'd better if she didn't. I stepped up and never regret it. Kinda like you a selfless serving for those you care about. Nah it'll never change, you'll put it first and foremost in your life and you'll be lost without it.

You see I kinda feel you on that. I had custody of my son as well because his mom is.... well she's not very good. But I did the opposite. I was selfish and my son suffered. So on one hand I served those I care about but on the other I didn't. As I said maybe I'm different. Now I haven't seen my son in over 2 years because of my selfishness.

**aflineman** · 12-11-2009, 05:49 PM

Originally Posted by doug1980

After reading "the wilderness can change a man" by sourdough I was inspired to create this thread.
Have you ever heard a song or saw a sight that brought back memories? It happened to me a few days ago. I was doing my daily checks of the base while listening to my Ipod. The soundtrack for Blackhawk Down started playing and brought with it a rush of memories. I listened to that soundtrack every time I was deployed. Hearing it again made me reflect on what I experienced over there, the good as well as the bad. It also made me realize just how much my life was changed by those experiences. Most of my time there was uneventful but I had several opportunities to see what "War" was all about. It changes a person, perhaps not always in a good way though. What may be surprising to some is that I actually missed it a little. I felt more at home over there than I ever have back here. After my first deployment I begged to go back. I still remember the day I got home like it was yesterday. I felt out of place and unsure what to do. I felt like a stranger in my own home. After 4 months of feeling out of place I went back, where I felt right at home. Maybe I'm just different than most, but I feel like that was were I belonged. Even now I miss it and would go back without hesitation. So I guess my point is we are all different and we all feel out of place from time to time. At least now I know where I feel at home and where I don't.

You are not crazy. As much as I really enjoy being here with the Wife and kids, I do sometimes miss being deployed. I also hear what you are saying about feeling out of place. Guess it is just part of the experience.

So, these checks you speak of on base, You workin' a SABER contract or the like?

**COWBOYSURVIVAL** · 12-11-2009, 05:52 PM

Originally Posted by doug1980

You see I kinda feel you on that. I had custody of my son as well because his mom is.... well she's not very good. But I did the opposite. I was selfish and my son suffered. So on one hand I served those I care about but on the other I didn't. As I said maybe I'm different. Now I haven't seen my son in over 2 years because of my selfishness.

I can see you care about alot of things...and your son is one! Don't beat yourself up for doing what you do! My Dad was never home serving his country. I wouldn't trade him for nothing or nobody!

**doug1980** · 12-11-2009, 05:53 PM

Originally Posted by aflineman

You are not crazy. As much as I really enjoy being here with the Wife and kids, I do sometimes miss being deployed. I also hear what you are saying about feeling out of place. Guess it is just part of the experience.

So, these checks you speak of on base, You workin' a SABER contract or the like?

Well the housing here is privatized and since I'm a civilian now I work as the Code Enforcer for the Property Management company. It's a pretty good job I guess. Only problem is I only get to deal with the bad troops on Active Duty which is about 10% of them.

**Pal334** · 12-11-2009, 05:57 PM

I hear ya Doug. That is a different reality. Almost a different life. You see, experience and do things that thankfully most never will. almost a "Band of Brothers" type thing. And it has been a part of my life that I really don't share with the wife and kids and most of the rest of the family. I have several friends from the "civy world",but the ones most dear to my heart are "battle buddies". I have been "out of the game" for several years now, but still get that tug once in awhile. But I can say, I think me personaly, I am smart enough to know that I am "out" and will only relive the good parts over a beer now

**doug1980** · 12-11-2009, 05:58 PM

Originally Posted by COWBOYSURVIVAL

I can see you care about alot of things...and your son is one! Don't beat yourself up for doing what you do! My Dad was never home serving his country. I wouldn't trade him for nothing or nobody!

It's not an easy thing to swallow sometimes. The only way I cope is to try not to think about it. But sometimes it's hard. I don't regret the decisions I've made, but I often wonder if I did the right thing. Not like I can change any of it now.

**doug1980** · 12-11-2009, 06:02 PM

Originally Posted by Pal334

I hear ya Doug. That is a different reality. Almost a different life. You see, experience and do things that thankfully most never will. almost a "Band of Brothers" type thing. And it has been a part of my life that I really don't share with the wife and kids and most of the rest of the family. I have several friends from the "civy world",but the ones most dear to my heart are "battle buddies". I have been "out of the game" for several years now, but still get that tug once in awhile. But I can say, I think me personaly, I am smart enough to know that I am "out" and will only relive the good parts over a beer now

Yeah maybe it's so tough for me now because it's all still pretty fresh. Every couple months I get the urge and desire to go back. I think back then I wanted to go because my home life was not a happy time for me. Being a single dad, hating my civilian job and everything. But now I have a beautiful wife and new baby on the way but still have that nagging feeling to go back. I almost feel guilty for having that feeling. What kind of person must I be to want to leave my family for months and months to go over there?

**COWBOYSURVIVAL** · 12-11-2009, 06:03 PM

You can do anything you want to do!!!! I learned it hard. My Mother grabbed me like a man at 32 and said son you damn well better...you ball up your fists and fight for everything your worth...I did it....... got worse but soon enough I was winning the battle~!

**crashdive123** · 12-11-2009, 06:06 PM

Gosh time sure does fly. I retired in '96, and honestly it seems like yesterday. Most of my missions were uneventful. All were classified. Having spent almost 12 years under water - yep, it can change you. Many of lifes experiences can and will. We are what we are because of the experiences that molded us into what we are. Some good, some bad. There are things that I do miss about deployment, mostly the people that I had the honor of serving with.