Joke of the day.

**Pal334** · 10-19-2009, 09:30 AM

If you ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying
to undermine the police officer's credibility.

Q: Officer, Did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?

A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.' Do you trust your fellow officers?

A: Yes, Sir, with my life!

Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in the room?

A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?

A: Yes sir.

Q: Well, now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?

A: Well, you see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room!

**Rick** · 10-19-2009, 10:17 AM

I broke a mirror yesterday and that's seven years bad luck. My lawyer thinks he can get five.

**Pal334** · 10-28-2009, 07:15 AM

Questions and Answers from AARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy
women who are interested
in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through
menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true?
Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's a** all the way to Egypt .."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep More soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

**Beo** · 10-28-2009, 07:41 AM

Guy moves out into the wilderness, his nearest neighbor is five miles from his cabin.
After about six months the neighbor comes by and says:

"Hey feller, I'm having me a get together, gone be some some fine food and hard drink, good conversation and a bit of dancing. It'll probably turn into a love fest though... usually does. Be a reeeeal good time to get to know ya."

"Wow!" The new guy says. "I'm in, when is it and who's coming?"

The man smiles a toothless grin, well its tonight friend and so far there's you and me!"

**Beo** · 10-28-2009, 07:43 AM

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed..
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

**Beo** · 10-28-2009, 08:19 AM

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

**Beo** · 10-28-2009, 08:21 AM

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's licenseto verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."

And then the fight started....

**2dumb2kwit** · 10-28-2009, 12:35 PM

Originally Posted by Rick

I broke a mirror yesterday and that's seven years bad luck. My lawyer thinks he can get five.

Yeah...but Ken lies! LOL

**Old GI** · 10-28-2009, 01:15 PM

Originally Posted by Beowulf65

Guy moves out into the wilderness, his nearest neighbor is five miles from his cabin.
After about six months the neighbor comes by and says:

"Hey feller, I'm having me a get together, gone be some some fine food and hard drink, good conversation and a bit of dancing. It'll probably turn into a love fest though... usually does. Be a reeeeal good time to get to know ya."

"Wow!" The new guy says. "I'm in, when is it and who's coming?"

The man smiles a toothless grin, well its tonight friend and so far there's you and me!"

Then what did you say?

**crashdive123** · 10-28-2009, 02:06 PM

Must have been the kilt.

**RangerXanatos** · 10-28-2009, 09:26 PM

"Ladies and gentlemen, I've just been informed that a wallet containg a rather large sum of money was found near the restrooms. My assistant, Miss Hunt, has it in her posession, and will cheerfully return it to the owner. She says its a plain, nondiscript brown wallet. So, if anyone has lost a wallet with a large sum of money in it... go to Helen Hunt for it."

**Pal334** · 10-29-2009, 08:09 AM

"BAIL'EM OUT!!! ????
H**l, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.. They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a w***e house and selling whiskey?!"
"What are we thinking"

**nell67** · 10-29-2009, 11:01 AM

If you go to the doctor when you are ill and he finds that you have swine flu, you will be given an oinkment. If he determines that you have bird flu, he will give you a tweetment. Have a good day

**Rick** · 10-29-2009, 11:02 AM

(Grooooooooooan)

**2dumb2kwit** · 10-29-2009, 11:21 AM

Heeeeeeyyyyyy. What happened to the post about cats? That one was funny!!!

**nell67** · 10-29-2009, 11:26 AM

I like cats too... Let's exchange recipes!

Just for 2D...you're one sick puppy ..LMAO

**2dumb2kwit** · 10-29-2009, 11:56 AM

Originally Posted by nell67

I like cats too... Let's exchange recipes!

Just for 2D...you're one sick puppy ..LMAO

(Snicker, Snicker) Thanks!!!

**2dumb2kwit** · 10-29-2009, 06:38 PM

I can't remember if this one has been posted.

A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back,
letting go of the girl and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted accordingly. Right"

The reporter says, "Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?"

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his deed, and reads, on front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

**COWBOYSURVIVAL** · 10-29-2009, 06:47 PM

Hey 2Dumb! I can't find it now but I saw you made some reference to pink about me. Well I wanted to tell you I stuck up for you up to now. I really did I defended you! Someone said "2Dumb eats S_h_t Sandwiches" I replied oh NO! I can assure you he doesn't eat bread!