Joke of the day.

[Rick]

Yeah. What he said.

[2dumb2kwit]

Whuuut???

[nell67]

[quote=Pal334;159134]WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the man,

'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000..

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.....

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning..

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'


The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'



You and the wife had an argument this morning,didn'tcha???

[Pal334]

Nell: You and the wife had an argument this morning,didn'tcha???

I never agrue with her, unless I am at least 100 miles away and will not be home for several days. I have all of this stuff memorized. And I am very well trained. We use a spanish term, I am a "Lobo domesticado" a domesticated wolf. I behave very well at home.

[Rick]

Yeah, but are you house broke?

[2dumb2kwit]

You and the wife had an argument this morning,didn'tcha???

Welllll.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olKE4JfeKnw

[oly]

2D you spend way to much time on you tube. (Thanks for the laughs)

[nell67]

Nell: You and the wife had an argument this morning,didn'tcha???

I never agrue with her, unless I am at least 100 miles away and will not be home for several days. I have all of this stuff memorized. And I am very well trained. We use a spanish term, I am a "Lobo domesticado" a domesticated wolf. I behave very well at home.

Yea,but she can't read this stuff on here and you are venting at her,right????J/K Pal,I think they are hilarious,and trying to be non-chalantly funny when I post those little comments at you guys for the women jokes,they are not meant to make you think I disapprove of what you typed.

[nell67]

welllll.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olke4jfeknw

Rotflmfao!!!!!!!!!!

[Pal334]

Yea,but she can't read this stuff on here and you are venting at her,right????J/K Pal,I think they are hilarious,and trying to be non-chalantly funny when I post those little comments at you guys for the women jokes,they are not meant to make you think I disapprove of what you typed.

Not to worry, after this many years, I think I am behind in the zings from her

[Rick]

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

[2dumb2kwit]

Two Old Men Decide They Are Close To Their Last Days And
> Decide To Have A Last Night On The Town.
>
> After A Few Drinks, They End Up At The Local Brothel
>
> The Madam Takes One Look At The Two Old Geezers And
> Whispers To Her Manager, 'go Up To The First Two Bedrooms And Put An
> Inflated Doll In Each Bed.
>
>
> These Two Are So Old And Drunk, I'm Not Wasting Two Of My
> Girls On Them. They Won't Know The Difference.'
>
>
> The Manager Does As He Is Told And The Two Old Men Go
> Upstairs And Take Care Of Their Business. As They Are Walking Home The First
> Man Says,
>
> 'you Know, I Think My Girl Was Dead!'
>
> 'dead?' Says His Friend, 'why Do You Say That?'>
>
> 'well, She Never Moved Or Made A Sound All The Time I Was
> Loving Her.' His Friend Says, 'could Be Worse I Think Mine Was A Witch.'>
>
> 'a Witch ??. . Why The Hell Would You Say That?'
>
> 'well, I Was Making Love To Her, Kissing Her On The Neck,
> And I Gave Her A Little Bite, Then She Farted And Flew Out The Window.....
> Took My Teeth With Her!

[mountain mama]

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower:

Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.

As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is DRT (Dead Right Thar).

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, someone should go and tell his wife.' Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'

'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Donnie says, 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow".'

She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'

Then I said 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks Are Good At That Sensitive stuff.

[Pal334]

Don't laugh.....it is all true...these are the perks of reaching 60 and heading towards 70 (or even the golden years) should we discover them.
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run----anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out...
8. You can eat supper at 4pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in ...
no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance ...
is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists ...
than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends ...
because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally ...
down to manageable size.
19. And never, under any circumstances ... take a sleeping pill & a laxative on the same night.

[DOGMAN]

I was emailed this today, thought I'd share....


This is as close as it gets to explaining how government works!
-----

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan
sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,
Will you give me a calf?"


Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You
have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the y oung man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth
of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and
you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or
about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...

Now, give me back my dog.

[doug1980]

HA HA HA now that was funny.

[Old GI]

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods?

[Sarge47]

I laughed really hard the 1st time I read that on the "Joke-of-the-day" thread!

[Sourdough]

DogMan, that is Funny......

[DOGMAN]

I laughed really hard the 1st time I read that on the "Joke-of-the-day" thread!

sorry, i don't have the amount of leisure time that you do, to spend reading every post.