Page 34 of 107 FirstFirst ... 2432333435364484 ... LastLast
Results 661 to 680 of 2131

Thread: Joke of the day.

  1. #661
    Senior Member nell67's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Southern Indiana
    Posts
    7,724

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by 2dumb2kwit View Post
    We always hear " the Rules "
    From the female side.

    Now here are the rules from the male side.

    These are our rules!
    Please note... these are all numbered "1 "
    ON PURPOSE!


    1. Men are NOT mind readers.

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
    You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
    We need it up, you need it down.
    You don't hear us complaining
    about you leaving it down.

    1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
    or the changing of the tides.
    Let it be.

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1.. Ask for what you want.
    Let us be clear on this one:
    Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not work!
    Obvious hints do not work!
    Just say it!

    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable
    answers to almost every question..

    1. Come to us with a problem only if
    you want help solving it.
    That's what we do.
    Sympathy is what
    your girlfriends are for..


    1. Anything we said 6 months ago
    is inadmissible in an argument.
    In fact, all comments become
    Null and void after 7 Days.

    1. If something we said can be
    interpreted two ways and one
    of t he ways makes you sad
    or angry, we meant the other one

    1. You can either ask us to do something
    Or tell us how you want it done.
    Not both. If you already know
    best how to do it, just do it yourself.

    1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you
    have to say during commercials..

    1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and
    neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
    Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
    We have no idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
    We do that..

    1.. If we ask what is wrong
    and you say "nothing,"
    We will act like nothing's wrong.
    We know you are lying,
    but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don't
    want an answer to, Expect an
    answer you don't want to hear.

    1. When we have to go somewhere,
    absolutely anything you wear is fine...
    Really .

    1. Don't ask us what we're thinking
    about unless you are prepared
    to discuss such topics as
    Sports or Sex. (not necessarily
    in that order)

    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

    1. Thank you for reading this.
    Yes, I know, I have to sleep
    on the couch tonight;


    But did you know men really
    don't mind that?????
    It's like camping.......
    Dead man walking (or typing) right here folks....
    Soular powered by the son.

    Nell, MLT (ASCP)


  2. #662
    Hall Monitor Pal334's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    4,431

    Default

    A variation on an oldie but a goody

    A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Texas.

    He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

    The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

    'What for?' says the lawyer..

    The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

    Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

    'You still didn't come to a complete stop', says the deputy. 'License and registration, please.'

    The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

    'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats.

    Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

    'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

    At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
    .45 ACP Because shooting twice is silly... The avatar says it all,.45 because there isn't a.46

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTs6a...eature=related

  3. #663
    Hall Monitor Pal334's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    4,431

    Default

    WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

    She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

    Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

    Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

    Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

    And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


    WOMEN'S REVENGE

    'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

    As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

    'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

    'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

    and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'


    UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

    (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

    I know I'm not going to understand women.

    I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

    pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

    and still be afraid of a spider.


    MARRIAGE SEMINAR

    While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

    Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

    'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

    He addressed the man,

    'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

    Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?


    CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..

    The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

    He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..

    She directs him down the correct aisle.

    A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

    She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

    He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

    to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

    and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

    So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

    (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

    WIFE VS. HUSBAND

    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

    An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

    neither of them wanted to concede their position.

    As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

    the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

    'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

    WORDS

    A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

    30,000 to a man's 15,000..

    The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.....

    The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

    CREATION

    A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be

    so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

    'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

    God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

    God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

    WHO DOES WHAT

    A man and his wife were having an argument about who

    should brew the coffee each morning..

    The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,

    and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

    The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and

    you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

    Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

    Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

    So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'


    The Silent Treatment

    A man and his wife were having some problems at home

    and were giving each other the silent treatment.

    Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

    at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

    Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
    'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

    The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
    when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

    The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

    Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
    .45 ACP Because shooting twice is silly... The avatar says it all,.45 because there isn't a.46

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTs6a...eature=related

  4. #664
    Resident Numpty mountain mama's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Idaho
    Posts
    927

    Default The Next Survivor Series

    Six married men will be
    dropped on an island
    with one car and
    3 kids each for
    six weeks.

    Each kid will play
    two sports
    and either take music
    or dance classes.

    There is no fast food.

    Each man must
    take care of his 3 kids;
    keep his assigned
    house clean,
    correct all homework,
    and
    complete science projects,
    cook, do laundry,
    and pay a list of
    'pretend' bills with
    not enough money.

    In addition, each man
    will have to budget
    in money
    for groceries each
    week.

    Each man
    must remember the
    birthdays
    of all their friends
    and relatives,
    and send cards out
    on time--no Emailing.

    Each man must also
    take each child to a
    doctor's appointment,
    a dentist appointment
    and a
    haircut appointment.

    He must make
    one unscheduled and
    inconvenient visit per
    child to the A & E.

    He must also
    make biscuits or cakes
    for a social function.

    Each man will be
    responsible for
    decorating his own
    assigned house,
    planting flowers outside
    and keeping it presentable
    at all times.

    The men will only
    have access to television
    when the kids are asleep
    and all chores are done.

    The men must
    shave their legs,
    wear makeup daily,
    adorn himself with jewellery,
    wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,
    keep fingernails polished
    and eyebrows groomed.

    During one of the six weeks,
    the men will have to endure
    severe abdominal cramps,
    back aches,
    and have extreme,
    unexplained mood swings
    but never once complain
    or slow down from
    other duties.

    They must attend
    weekly school meetings,
    church, and find time
    at least once to spend the
    afternoon at the park or
    a similar setting.

    They will need to
    read a book to the kids
    each night and in the
    morning,
    feed them, dress them,
    brush their teeth and
    comb their hair by 8:00 am.

    A test will be given at the
    end of the six weeks,
    and each father will
    be required to know
    all of the following
    information:
    each child's birthday,
    height, weight,
    shoe size, clothes size
    and doctor's name.
    Also the child's
    weight at birth,
    length, time of birth,
    and length of labour,
    each child's favourite colour,
    middle name,
    favourite snack,
    favourite song,
    favourite drink,
    favourite toy,
    biggest fear and
    what they want to be
    when they grow up.

    All the above must be completed whilst working
    in either full time
    (preferably) or part time
    employment to assist in
    the financial input for
    the family.

    The kids vote them off
    the island
    based on performance.
    The last man wins only if...
    he still has enough energy
    to be intimate with his
    spouse at a moment's
    notice.

    If the last man does win,
    he can play the game over
    and over and over again
    for the next 18-25 years
    eventually earning the
    right to be called
    Mom!
    ‎"Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool."

  5. #665
    Lone Wolf COWBOYSURVIVAL's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    In The Swamp Sumter, S.C.
    Posts
    4,514

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by mountain mama View Post
    Six married men will be
    dropped on an island
    with one car and
    3 kids each for
    six weeks.

    Each kid will play
    two sports
    and either take music
    or dance classes.

    There is no fast food.

    Each man must
    take care of his 3 kids;
    keep his assigned
    house clean,
    correct all homework,
    and
    complete science projects,
    cook, do laundry,
    and pay a list of
    'pretend' bills with
    not enough money.

    In addition, each man
    will have to budget
    in money
    for groceries each
    week.

    Each man
    must remember the
    birthdays
    of all their friends
    and relatives,
    and send cards out
    on time--no Emailing.

    Each man must also
    take each child to a
    doctor's appointment,
    a dentist appointment
    and a
    haircut appointment.

    He must make
    one unscheduled and
    inconvenient visit per
    child to the A & E.

    He must also
    make biscuits or cakes
    for a social function.

    Each man will be
    responsible for
    decorating his own
    assigned house,
    planting flowers outside
    and keeping it presentable
    at all times.

    The men will only
    have access to television
    when the kids are asleep
    and all chores are done.

    The men must
    shave their legs,
    wear makeup daily,
    adorn himself with jewellery,
    wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,
    keep fingernails polished
    and eyebrows groomed.

    During one of the six weeks,
    the men will have to endure
    severe abdominal cramps,
    back aches,
    and have extreme,
    unexplained mood swings
    but never once complain
    or slow down from
    other duties.

    They must attend
    weekly school meetings,
    church, and find time
    at least once to spend the
    afternoon at the park or
    a similar setting.

    They will need to
    read a book to the kids
    each night and in the
    morning,
    feed them, dress them,
    brush their teeth and
    comb their hair by 8:00 am.

    A test will be given at the
    end of the six weeks,
    and each father will
    be required to know
    all of the following
    information:
    each child's birthday,
    height, weight,
    shoe size, clothes size
    and doctor's name.
    Also the child's
    weight at birth,
    length, time of birth,
    and length of labour,
    each child's favourite colour,
    middle name,
    favourite snack,
    favourite song,
    favourite drink,
    favourite toy,
    biggest fear and
    what they want to be
    when they grow up.

    All the above must be completed whilst working
    in either full time
    (preferably) or part time
    employment to assist in
    the financial input for
    the family.

    The kids vote them off
    the island
    based on performance.
    The last man wins only if...
    he still has enough energy
    to be intimate with his
    spouse at a moment's
    notice.

    If the last man does win,
    he can play the game over
    and over and over again
    for the next 18-25 years
    eventually earning the
    right to be called
    Mom!
    Been doing all of this for 6 years! STILL BEING CALLED DADDY AND I LOVE EVERY SECOND!
    Keep in mind the problem may be extremely complicated, though the "Fix" is often simple...

    "Teaching a child to fish is the "original" introduction to all that is wild." CS

    "How can you tell a story that has no end?" Doc Carlson

  6. #666
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Central Indiana
    Posts
    58,806

    Default

    You shave your legs, wear makeup and adorn yourself with jewelry?! Well, alrighty then.
    Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.

  7. #667
    Resident Numpty mountain mama's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Idaho
    Posts
    927

    Default

    I Want Pictures!
    ‎"Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool."

  8. #668
    Lone Wolf COWBOYSURVIVAL's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    In The Swamp Sumter, S.C.
    Posts
    4,514

    Default

    WHOAAAA! I missed that part! absolutely not! It would take at least 2 cases of razors! Gees I messed that one up!
    Keep in mind the problem may be extremely complicated, though the "Fix" is often simple...

    "Teaching a child to fish is the "original" introduction to all that is wild." CS

    "How can you tell a story that has no end?" Doc Carlson

  9. #669
    Resident Numpty mountain mama's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Idaho
    Posts
    927

    Default

    *notices he didn't mention the make-up and jewelry*
    ‎"Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool."

  10. #670
    Lumpy chair made me do it oly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Utah
    Posts
    1,059

    Default

    I ALLWAYS GET THE LAST WORD IN!!!!

    (yes dear)
    A mouse ate a hole in my lumpy chair.

  11. #671
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Central Indiana
    Posts
    58,806

    Default

    I noticed he didn't deny that part.
    Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.

  12. #672
    Lumpy chair made me do it oly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Utah
    Posts
    1,059

    Default

    I cant believe how fast rick is on this site.
    A mouse ate a hole in my lumpy chair.

  13. #673
    Lone Wolf COWBOYSURVIVAL's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    In The Swamp Sumter, S.C.
    Posts
    4,514

    Default

    I know I messed that post up! Cut a guy a break for being a proud Daddy! Truth is if that is what it took I would of done anything the judge fealt I needed to!
    Keep in mind the problem may be extremely complicated, though the "Fix" is often simple...

    "Teaching a child to fish is the "original" introduction to all that is wild." CS

    "How can you tell a story that has no end?" Doc Carlson

  14. #674
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    North Florida
    Posts
    44,818

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by oly View Post
    I cant believe how fast rick is on this site.
    He types fast.
    Can't Means Won't

    My Youtube Channel

  15. #675
    Lone Wolf COWBOYSURVIVAL's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    In The Swamp Sumter, S.C.
    Posts
    4,514

    Default

    OK do I at least get the joke of the day award?
    Keep in mind the problem may be extremely complicated, though the "Fix" is often simple...

    "Teaching a child to fish is the "original" introduction to all that is wild." CS

    "How can you tell a story that has no end?" Doc Carlson

  16. #676
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Central Indiana
    Posts
    58,806

    Default

    I actually have everything already typed out days ahead of time. Then I just cut and paste. I am the Minister of Science you know.
    Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.

  17. #677
    Administrator Rick's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Central Indiana
    Posts
    58,806

    Default

    Okay. I'll give you the joke of the day award.

    Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.
    Tracks Across the High Plains...Death on the Bombay Line...A Touch of Death and Mayhem...Dead Rock...The Griswald Mine Boys...All On Amazon Books.

  18. #678
    Resident Numpty mountain mama's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Idaho
    Posts
    927

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by COWBOYSURVIVAL
    OK do I at least get the joke of the day award?
    Only if you provide pictures.
    ‎"Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool."

  19. #679
    Lumpy chair made me do it oly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Utah
    Posts
    1,059

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by crashdive123 View Post
    He types fast.
    I can diagnose a HVAC system and point and click and change parameters as needed but typing? By the time I find the letters to write two words, Rick has written a novel.
    A mouse ate a hole in my lumpy chair.

  20. #680
    Super Moderator crashdive123's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    North Florida
    Posts
    44,818

    Default

    A novel is a long narrative in literary prose. The genre has historical roots both in the fields of the medieval and early modern romance and in the tradition of the novella. The latter supplied the present generic term in the late 18th century.

    The further definition of the genre is historically difficult. Most of the criteria (such as artistic merit, fictionality, a design to create an epic totality of life, a focus on history and the individual) are arbitrary and designed to raise further debates over qualities that will supposedly separate great works of literature from a wider and lower "trivial" production. The debates reach back into an early modern discussion of fiction and into simultaneous attempts to redefine the task history in the modern societies. A new field of literature was eventually defined in the 18th century in order to give works of "art" a place of their own — a place novels defend with a focus on the individual and more individualistic narratives. The personal memoir and the autobiography are the closest relatives as essentially personal though not necessarily individualistic histories.
    Can't Means Won't

    My Youtube Channel

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •