Joke of the day.

[2dumb2kwit]

Was this duck named Ken, by any chance?

[Ken]

Was this duck named Ken, by any chance?

Got any Bread?

[wareagle69]

ooohhhh i got the joke of the day right here wait for it... ready... here it is


ken............hahahahahahahahahahahahah man i crack myself up

[Pal334]

Grandparents -- In the Eyes of Their Grandchildren:

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!' I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with trembling voice; 'Who was THAT?'

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods. The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd got to know you sooner!'

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo and I said, 'No, how are we alike? '' You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. 'What's it about?'
he asked. 'I don't know,' she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!'

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, 'It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.'

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not sure.' 'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised, 'mine says I'm 4 to 6.'

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies? 'It's simple,' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. 'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child. 'No,' said another. 'He's just for good luck.' A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants.'

13. A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE WITH HER, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.

14. GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

[Pal334]

FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE





1. "Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not." ~Thomas Jefferson



2. Those who trade liberty for security have neither. ~John Adams




3. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.


4. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.




5. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.


6. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.



7. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.


8. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.



9. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.


10. Assault is a behavior, not a device.

11. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.

12. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights Reserved.


13. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.

14. What part of 'shall not be infringed' do you NOT understand?



15. Guns have only two enemies; rust and politicians.



16.. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.

17. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.

[Skysoldier]

The Reason for High Veterinary Bills

A woman who was travelling across country and full timing with her pets brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

[crashdive123]

Now that there's funny, I don't care who you are. Unfortunately all too true as well.

[2dumb2kwit]

You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Southerners can be so polite ....

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."

Pause...

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE.. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."

Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- "

[Pal334]

THat is funny ,

[2dumb2kwit]

The Heaviest Element Known to Science

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.z

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

[Winnie]

Now that's funny!and scarily correct

[Pal334]

Home Depot Scam

Please tell your male friends, etc. shopping at Home Depot about this scam!

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex window cleaner, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet...!!

I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 28th. Also April 2nd & 4th, twice on the 8th, 9th, and three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at Big Lots and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Depot.....

[Ken]

You're just looking for new projects to do around the house, huh?

[Pal334]

You're just looking for new projects to do around the house, huh?

Ya know, I was there three times this weekend and nothing. Mmmm,, could it be my cologne? Sweat?

[crashdive123]

Pal - she was working on getting over to you - she just moves a bit slower now-a-days.

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

[Pal334]

Pal - she was working on getting over to you - she just moves a bit slower now-a-days.

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

Aaah, and here I thought it was that there was no McDonalds near by

[canid]

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

that's why it really starts with a far less distasteful act.

[Pal334]

The Zipper

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware
that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height

of the first step of the bus.


Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her

to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted

the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her

picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the

step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and

screamed, 'How dare you touch me like that! I don't even

know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would

agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda

figured we was friends.

[Ken]

Are you sure that lady wasn't just 2dumb cross-dressing again?

[Pal334]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:



Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades

You only have to shave your face and neck..

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

It is not how old you are, but how you are old. -Jules Renard, writer (1864-1910)