Joke of the day.

**Ken** · 08-12-2009, 06:29 PM

Originally Posted by wareagle69

uh no thanks i quit coffee a couple of months ago

Or a beer?

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

**Ken** · 08-12-2009, 06:32 PM

Milk?

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

**Rick** · 08-17-2009, 10:09 AM

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

**Ken** · 08-18-2009, 01:06 AM

Vocabulary Words

1. *Mushroom*
When all my family gets in the car, there's not mushroom.

2. *Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

3. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

4. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

5. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her harassment nothing to me.

6. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

**Pal334** · 08-18-2009, 07:11 AM

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

Deleted, not appropriate for forum

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager..
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull S**t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh**s on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

**Ken** · 08-18-2009, 11:45 AM

Saturday morning I got up early to go fishing, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and tip-toed into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started .....

=====================================

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

=====================================

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

=====================================

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

**2dumb2kwit** · 08-18-2009, 11:48 AM

Ken 'Da Newt' and Stargazer have a new video, out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XsaC...eature=related

**Ken** · 08-18-2009, 11:55 AM

I'm the guy wearing the hat!

**Ken** · 08-18-2009, 06:02 PM

Guests can not see images in the messages. Please register in the forum.

**2dumb2kwit** · 08-18-2009, 07:16 PM

If any of you go to the Yankee Kenboree, don't let Ken get you with this one!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjCDLMtkNGc

**Sarge47** · 08-19-2009, 07:23 PM

>>Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes..

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

**Ken** · 08-19-2009, 07:39 PM

Originally Posted by Sarge47

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

OR

"Brain cells go and brain cells go and brain cells go and brain cells go and brain cells go and........." 2dumb2kwit

**2dumb2kwit** · 08-19-2009, 07:43 PM

Originally Posted by Ken

OR

"Brain cells go and brain cells go and brain cells go and brain cells go and brain cells go and........." 2dumb2kwit is all I know how to talk about!

Nooooowwwww we understand.

**Sarge47** · 08-19-2009, 07:44 PM

Originally Posted by 2dumb2kwit

Nooooowwwww we understand.

Lose enough brain cells you become a lawyer!

**Ken** · 08-19-2009, 07:44 PM

Yet another of a long series of weak comebacks.

**Ken** · 08-19-2009, 07:45 PM

Originally Posted by Sarge47

Lose enough brain cells you become a lawyer!

Lose 'em all and you become a Moderator. Just sayin'.

**Sarge47** · 08-19-2009, 07:48 PM

Originally Posted by Ken

Lose 'em all and you become a Moderator. Just sayin'.

I resemble that remark!

**2dumb2kwit** · 08-21-2009, 11:08 AM

Kitty Stutter

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings
are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she
volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl.

"My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he
could say "F##k", the
Rottweiler ate him!"

The teacher wet her pants laughing.......

**2dumb2kwit** · 08-23-2009, 08:48 AM

Stupid pet tricks! LOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xivhw...layer_embedded

**Ken** · 08-23-2009, 04:58 PM

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?