Joke of the day.

[Sarge47]

Okay sarge no more sheep jokes thaaaaaat laaaaast one waaaaas baaaaaaad!

Those last 2 were from my wife.

[oldsoldier]

Ohh okay they were kinda funny after all

[Pal334]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ...
Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the sh*t out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago...'

[COWBOYSURVIVAL]

An Indian walks into a drug store.

He approaches the counter and exclaims, "Me need rubba"

The pharmacist gives the indian a random selection. The indian smiles big and pays for his purchase and is on his way.

The very next day the Indian returns and seems to be disgruntled exclaiming,

"Me need rubba" -" Me go ugh! Squaw go Ugh! Rubba go POW!

The pharmacist scratches his head and gives the indian largest size on the shelves.

The indian smiles and again is on his way.

The following day the Indian returns now red faced and very disgruntled!

"Me need rubba" -" Me go ugh! Squaw go Ugh! Rubba go POW!

The druggist shakes his head in disbeleif.... He explains he has just the thing and goes out to his truck grabbing a new tire tube he had gotten for a tractor. He expediantly cut the tube in half and sewed one end up. He returned to the counter where the indian was growing impatient. A BIG smile crosses the indians face as the pharmacist hands over his improvised version of a very large condom.The indian goes on his way now skipping out of the store.

That very evening the Indian returns now furious and wielding a knife! As the pharmacist runs for the back door, the Indian exclaims -

ME GO UGH!......... RUBBER GO UGH!.........SQUAW GO POW!!!!!!

[Sarge47]

A cowboy truck driver parked his rig outside a diner & went in. The waitress
asks him what he'll have. He says he hasn't been able to eat much over the last several days & orders the biggest steak they have. As he's waiting for his order six outlaw bikers roar up on their big Harley-Hogs, park them in a nice-looking straight line, dismount, and strut into the diner. They grab some booths in the back and are clowning around making a bunch of noise when the waitress comes out with the Trucker's steak. Eyeing the huge slab of meat the bikers walk over to the Trucker, one of which flips open an extremely sharp butterfly knife; which he then proceeds to use to cut most of the steak out of the center, leaving a rim about a half an inch wide, mostly fat, on the Trucker's plate. Laughing, the bikers head back to their booths where they divide up the steak & proceed to devour it. The Trucker continues to stare straight ahead, then pays his bill, walks out of the diner, gets in his rig, & tears our of the parking lot. The Bike-gang leader struts up to the waitress & says:

"Hey baby, that Trucker wasn't much of a man; he didn't even fight for his food!"

The waitress, still staring out the window after the departing Trucker responded: "That's ok, he wasn't much of a truck driver either....he just ran over 6 motorcycles!"

[Ken]

The scoutmaster was teaching the scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one young scout raised his hand.

"Yes Johnny, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scoutmaster.

Johnny replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Johnny?"

Johnny answered, "The compass is to find the right direction and the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the scoutmaster.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"'

[Ken]

After returning home from his honeymoon ...

... the husband notices a photo of a man on his new wife's bedside table. At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he. But after a month or so he begins to stress about it. It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides ask about it.

"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers. "Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.
.
.
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.
.
.
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.
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"That's me before the surgery"

[Ken]

A couple of old guys were golfing one day...

..., when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Basil for a new set of dentures in the morning. His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.

"Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he do a good job?"

The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the crotch."

The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have to do with your dentures?"

The second man answered, "That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."

[Pal334]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me..

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

[Pal334]

A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,

"T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied,

"S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated,

"T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered,

"S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,

"T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again,

"S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered,

"'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh.

[Rick]

A perfume saleswoman stepped on an elevator alone and had a sudden urge to pass gas. Since she was all alone, she let one go. It turned out to be much worse than she expected so she rummaged in her purse for a moment and pulled out a bottle labled "Scent of Lilacs". She spritz the inside of the elevator and stuck the bottle back in her purse.

Just then the elevator stopped, the doors opened and drunk stumbled into the elevator. He stopped abruptly, took a long sniff and thought for a moment. He took another long sniff and looked at the woman. "Whas that smell?" he asked.

"Do you like it?" she inquired.

"Oh, heck yea. Smells like someone crapped a flower garden."

[Terri]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bk0HY...om=PL&index=18

[Pal334]

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE


1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.

Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.


We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle..

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY?
Because we were always outside playing...that's why!


We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Play stations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes..

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment..
Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever..

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
If YOU are one of them? CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of swine flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'

[Rick]

Some of my least favorite parent sayings that I had recited to me:

If you get a whippin' at school, you'll get one when you get home.
Go cut a switch and you better make it a good one.
Don't run from me! You'll only make it worse!
Just wait until your father gets home!

After I got older, I sensed a theme to my youth.

[crashdive123]

One of my all time favorites - I'll give you something to cry about.

[Ken]

Thanks, Pal. Only now do I understand just how neglected and deprived I really was growing up.

[Pal334]

Amazingly, we grew up fairly normal

[Rick]

What? You call this normal?

[Pal334]

What? You call this normal?

Sure, what else can we call co equal (if there is such a thing) weirdness

[Pal334]

I know this is not a joke, but did not want to start a whole new thread. Also hpe it is not considered political, that is not my intent. If ya'll think it is ,delete it, no harm no foul or complaint here.

Firearms Refresher

1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.


2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.


3. Colt: The original point and click interface.

4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.

5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords and IEDs?

6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.


7. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.

8. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any.

9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.

10. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights Reserved.

11. What part of 'shall not be infringed' do you NOT understand?

12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.

13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.

14. Guns have only two enemies; rust and politicians.

15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.

16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.

17. 911: Government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.

18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.

19. Criminals love gun control; it makes their jobs safer.

20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.

21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.

22. You have only the rights you are willing to fight for.

23.. Enforce the gun control laws we ALREADY have; don't make more.

24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.

25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.