Joke of the day.

[Pal334]

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples:


1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
(On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. While I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, she interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts " Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ''
Her response - click.


3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation inOrlando .
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.
I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)


4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?'' I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)


5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)


6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.


7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
She replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.


8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train to Hawaii ?''


9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''


10. A lady Senator called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''


11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ''Look, I've been toChina four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!


12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' ''Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, ma'am, I 've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.' ''The lady retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?'' The reply?
''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''


YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED!

[Ken]

And now you know why most of the laws they pass are so screwed up!

[Pal334]

And now you know why most of the laws they pass are so screwed up!

Mental deficiencies and inability to leave things alone.

[Rick]

This is funny I don't care who you are.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wv0mj...layer_embedded

[Pal334]

This is funny I don't care who you are.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wv0mj...layer_embedded

But he forgot his beer goggles

[Ken]

Proofreading is a dying art, would you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and a call was made to the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No, really? Ya think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

[trax]

There was a headline in one of the Winnipeg newspapers a few years back that said "HUMAN LEG FOUND IN RIVER---Police suspect foul play"

Here I thought people were just throwing body parts they weren't using anymore into the river....damn litterbugs.

[Pal334]

>
Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a
window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before
takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the
Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab
in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle
seat, I'll get it for you.' As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That
looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it... While he was gone, the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the
Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors...... 'Why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and p*****g in Cokes?'

[Goloth]

Wilderness Comments

"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake.
Please eradicate these annoying animals."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."[/LEFT]

Dude, that was frikkin' HILARIOUS. The one about the coyotes and the eradication... wow.

On a side note -

It's also kind of sad if you look at the whole post, how you can see that people in America today are so caught up in their 'big city' lifestyle along with their pampered ways that if our cities were to be destroyed and man was forced to live in the wilderness again... well... we'd be f--ked to put it simply. I mean I'm not one to talk - living in Phoenix, Arizona. But at the same time, I at least know how to survive a week... lol good post though.

[Ken]

New Bugout Boat

[Rick]

I think that's the barge Hopeak has been looking for.

[Goloth]

New Bugout Boat

Photoshop rules. The end. hahaha

[crashdive123]

Works for me.....as the saying goes.

[RunsWithDeer]

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00..'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he of course wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.'

[Pal334]

Marine Corps Bumper Stickers:



"U.S. Marines -- Travel Agents To Allah"

"Stop Global Whining"

"When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine"

"The Marine Corps -- When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight"

"Death Smiles At Everyone -- Marines Smile Back"

"What Do You Feel When You Kill A Terrorist?...Recoil"

"Marines -- Providing Enemies Of America An Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775"

"My Marine Can Pick Off Your Honor Student at a Click and a Half"

"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It"

"Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon"

"It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden -- It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting"

"Artillery Brings Dignity To What Would Otherwise Be Just A Brawl"

"One Shot, Twelve Kills -- Marine Artillery"

"Do draft dodgers have reunions? If so, what do they talk about?"

"My kid fought in Iraq so yours can party in college"

"Travel To Exotic Places, Meet New People, Then Kill Them"

"Machine Gunners -- Accuracy By Volume"

"A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy -- Blessed Be The Peacemakers"

"Guns Don't Kill People -- Marines Kill People"

"If You Can Read, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Marine"

"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything"

[Pal334]

An oldy but goody: 9-11 call about a deer in a car

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=02c_1...r=newest_first

[Ken]

Sarge and Rick went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Sarge awoke and nudged Rick. Sarge asked: "Rick, look up and tell me what you see".

Rick, ever cerebral, said: "I see a fantastic panorama of countless stars".

Sarge, always probing, asked "And what does that tell you?"

Rick pondered for a moment: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."

"Why? - What does it tell you, Sarge?"

Sarge was silent for a moment then spoke: "Someone has stolen our tent."

[Rick]

We never did find it either!!!

[Ken]

David, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try. On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another. He had to know The Secret. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked.

The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well."

David thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.

The next day, David returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck. Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish. "Excuse me," asked David, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"

"Well, I can, but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix."

"Hmm," thought David. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give the lake one more try.

On the third day, David still had no luck. As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right. David wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?"

"No, I am a Rabbi." replied the man.

[Ken]

In case anyone is considering doing some camping this spring or summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.