Joke of the day.

[Pal334]

A man seeking to join a South Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed . . .

The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists and a rabbit."

The man asks the Sergeant: "Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[Rick]

A truck driver trainee starts truck driving school. On the first day, the instructor poses a question to him.

"Your driving down a steep mountain and your brakes fail do you A) Start blowing your horn and hope everyone gets out your way till you can get to the emergency truck ramp. B) Cram your transmission into a lower gear and hope the engine slows you down. or C) Try to jackknife your semi hoping that going sideways will slow you down.

The Trainee thinks for a moment and shouts out, "D!".

The instructor replies, "D? I didn't give you the option of D! What is D?"

"Wake up my co-driver cuz he has never seen a wreck like this!"

[Rick]

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying:

"NERDS NOT ALLOWED --- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK"

He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.

The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils stashed in his pocket protector, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

[red lake]

One sunny day in January, 2009 an old man approached the White House
from Across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he’d been sitting on a park
bench.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to
go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer
president and no longer resides here.”

The old man said, “Okay” and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to
the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is
no longer president and no longer resides here.”

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to
the very same U.S. Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with
President Bush.”

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man
and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here
asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve told you already that Mr. Bush is
no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you
understand?”

The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just
love hearing it.”

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow,
Sir.”

[erunkiswldrnssurvival]

a rabbit was hopping through the woods when he encountered a bear. the bear said; "rabbit."does poop stick to yer fur"?". "Why no" said the rabbit". "GOOD, said the bear," I need some toilet paper"!

[Sarge47]

A large, ferocious, gorilla escaped from a local Florida zoo, only to wind up in the back yard of an 87 year-old widow. She looked out her window just in time to see it climb the big Oak tree in her back yard. Scared out of her wits she grabbed her phone book & looked up "Exterminators. Unfortunately Crash was not living in that part of Florida so she had to call another guy who's ad read "No Job To Large Or To Small!" She quickly explained her situation, adding that she feared for her life!

"Can you get another man to help me?" the Exterminator asked, "My assistant is out sick today."

The lady said she would call her son & he should be there very soon.

Her son arrived just as the exterminator was unloading some items from his truck. He had a shotgun, a spray can, and an ugly, yellow dog. Puzzled he asked the guy what he was there to do.

"It's pretty simple really;" The Bug-Killer" explained; "This can is a spray can of chloroform and I need to climb up into that tree & spray the ape with it. When he falls to the ground the dog is trained to rush in & bite the ape on it's privates & hold them until I can get down & spray some more chloroform on him, then we can get him into the large, heavy cage, on the back of the truck. You job will be to hold the shotgun. If the ape isn't chloroformed enough it might go on a rampage, it you think that it's going to do that you shoot it! However...if I fall out of the tree you shoot that yellow dog!"

[Pal334]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little
red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked
over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration..


'Thanks,' the girl replied.


The firefighter looked a little closer; the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.


The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

[Pal334]

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement.

Here are some of his gems:


1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

And an all time favorite-

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

[crashdive123]

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.


Your loving wife.

XXX

PS - Your girlfriend called.

[erunkiswldrnssurvival]

your a bad wolf crashdive, your a baaaad wolf

[erunkiswldrnssurvival]

there was 3 guys driving in the desert.
their car runs out of gas.
so they decide to walk to a gas station.
each man decided to bring something to help them along the way
the first man brought the radiator.
the second guy brought a tire iron
the third guy brought the car door.
after several miles of walking they stop to rest
one guy asked "why did you bring the radiator? to get a drink he answered
why did you bring the car door? so i could open the window if it gets hot
then they asked the thrid guy "why did you bring a tire iron"? the crank is broken and i might have to pry open the window

[Rick]

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.


Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.


When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.



Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.


Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.


What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.


How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? All of it.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.



Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost


The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer


If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.


Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.


"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.


Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.


If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.

If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.

[erunkiswldrnssurvival]

remember what chuck said, Its time to die.

[crashdive123]

THE TOP TEN CHUCK NORRIS FACTS:
01 Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
02 Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
03 Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
04 If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
05 Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
06 When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
07 Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
08 Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
09 They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take **** from anybody.
10 A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

[Pal334]

A Redneck passed away and left his entire
estate

To his beloved
widow .

but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////

How do you know when you're
staying

in a Redneck motel?

When you call the front desk and say,

I gotta leak in my sink, and the

clerk replies, 'Go ahead'.
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum

drinking age for Rednecks to 32?

It seems they want to keep alcohol

out of the high schools.
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a

Redneck murder:

1) The DNA is all the same

2) There are no dental records
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Did you
hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ?

The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16

and says to the driver, 'Got any! I.D. ? ' . .

and the driver replies 'Bout wut?'

[Sarge47]

Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar", the Preacher says..

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:

"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear,

and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays,

he prays ....

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks:

"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says:

"I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"

[Pal334]

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan , was being interviewed by a French journalist, an animal rights activist.

The discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'

Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.'

The interview ended.

[Pal334]

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

[Alpine_Sapper]

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

I'm not afraid of WORK...I'll lay down and go to sleep right beside it.

[Ken]

Marines

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Marine is better than ten Taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One Marine is better than one hundred Taliban".

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The voice calls out again "One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's actually two of them."