Joke of the day.

[Sarge47]

IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us
that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large'enough
motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the
largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his
head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2
was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not.. Four is larger than
two..."

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the
DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being
hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to
be crossing anymore."

From Kingman , KS .

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked
the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was
sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals
blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on
earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING:

We were having a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker, as
she was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented
cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another
word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would
not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no
less.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock
the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was
unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His
reply, "I know. I already got that side.

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS .

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When I left Hawaii and was transferred to Florida , I still had the
Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was
parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you
drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I
took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge". He nodded his head and said
"Cool!"

STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and they VOTE and they REPRODUCE........

[grundle]

There were a disproportionate amount of "sightings" from Kansas. I wan't y'all to know that we aren't all idiots out here. We just have a lower population, so you can see the trees through the forest, so to speak.

Surely they couldn't find any idiots in L.A. Miami, or New York?

[crashdive123]

no 1 tht cld ansr w/o txtng.

[laughing beetle]

[grundle]

no 1 tht cld ansr w/o txtng.

omfg roflmfao lolololo

oh dear...I just rofled in my pants. I better change and come back.

Speaking of New Yorkers I had an idiot sighting of my own. I was in a chat room and the conversation went like this.

NY: So where are you from?
me: Kansas
NY: You live on a farm?
me: ...no
NY: Do you guys have electricity in Kansas?

[crashdive123]

Well???

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[grundle]

Well???

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Make that 2 sightings

[crashdive123]

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[Alpine_Sapper]

During a recenct conversation on a gun list I'm on,



>> Get a bay next time, you will be by yourself away from all the paper
>> punching, muzzle sweeping, n00bs..
----------
"Or the 'oil your gun after every magazine' guy...No joke, the guy had
one of those Tin Man oil cans and oiled the damn thing after every
magazine or misfire. You could see the splatter coming off of his .32
after every shot. It was like he was lobbing oil sponges downrange.

You see some funny stuff at ranges these days. "

--------------

[Pict]

During a recenct conversation on a gun list I'm on,



>> Get a bay next time, you will be by yourself away from all the paper
>> punching, muzzle sweeping, n00bs..
----------
"Or the 'oil your gun after every magazine' guy...No joke, the guy had
one of those Tin Man oil cans and oiled the damn thing after every
magazine or misfire. You could see the splatter coming off of his .32
after every shot. It was like he was lobbing oil sponges downrange.

You see some funny stuff at ranges these days. "

--------------

I once saw a guy getting frustrated with his AR at the range. It seemed to be jamming and there was lots of smoke coming form the gun. I walked up to see if there was something I could do. His shirt was totally splattered with oil and the gun was literally dripping from the action. I knew what his problem was but concluded I couldn't fix it either. Mac

[Rick]

If a little is good, a heapin' helpin' must be gooder.

[Alpine_Sapper]

you are correct sir. When I read "It was like he was lobbing oil sponges downrange." I was roflmao. I had to ask permission of the guy to reprint it here.

[Pal334]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle

of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps

right in front of the car.



The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out

to see what has become of the rabbit.



Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.



A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the

side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.



"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car

and KILLED HIM."



The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the

contents onto him.



The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off

down the road. Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops

down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out

of sight.



The man is astonished, he runs over to the woman & demands,

"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"



The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says . . .

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says . . .





"Hair Spray, Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

[Rick]

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[tennecedar]

These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call.

Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest. They called again, the bull answered closer to them. They called again, The bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

As the bull's pounding hoof beats got closer, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."

After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts, "THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you better start to 'brace' yourself!"

[Rick]

A Canadian farmer, Osama Bin Laden, and a Marine were walking down the street when they happened upon a lamp. The Canadian farmer picked it up, wiped it off and POOF out popped a genie.

"For freeing me from my prison I will grant each of you one wish", said the Genie.

The Canadian farmer said, "I wish that all the ground in Canada was fertile to grow crops."

POOF it was so.

Osama Bin Laden said, "I would like a wall around Afghanistan to keep the infidels out."

POOF it was so.

The Marine said, "Tell me about this wall."

The Genie said, "It is 5000 feet high and 100 feet thick. No one can get in and no one can get out."

The Marine said, "Good. Fill it with water."

[crashdive123]

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making guy steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“Today is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. I get a cab to return home, and when I get out of the cab, I forgot my wallet, cash and credit cards in the there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“When I get home, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

[Rick]

How much does it cost for a Somali pirate to pierce his ears?
A buck an ear!!! Aaaarrrgh!

What did the Somali pirate name his daughter?
Peggy.

Did you hear about the new Somali pirate movie?
It's rated arrrrrrrrr!

How do you know if a Somali pirate is a handyman?
He has a peg-board leg!!

Why does it take Somali pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they can spend years at C!

What is a Somali pirate's favorite type of music?
Arr and B!

Why was the Somali pirate's butt so big?
He kept stealing everyone's booty!

How did the captain of the Maersk Alabama keep his cool?
He wore anti-pers-pirate!!!

[crashdive123]

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?". The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!

[Ken]

That Was Funny!