Joke of the day.

**RunsWithDeer** · 03-28-2009, 10:32 AM

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God’s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

**RunsWithDeer** · 03-28-2009, 10:33 AM

What is a criminal lawyer?

Redundant.

**tennecedar** · 03-28-2009, 11:22 AM

Saint Peter stood at the Pearly Gates of Heaven as three men stood in line waiting to enter. Saint Peter said to the first man in line, "Before I let you in, I have to ask you a question. What was your I.Q.?"

The man answered, "180." Saint Peter replied, "What were you? A rocket scientist?" "Yes, sir," the man answered. "Okay, go on in," said Saint Peter.

The next man came up to Saint Peter. Peter asked the same question of him. "160," replied the second man. "What were you, a brain surgeon?" Peter asked the man. "Yes, sir." He was allowed in, too.

The third man came forward and was asked the same question. "68," he replied. "Well." said Saint Peter. "Did you get your deer?"

**tennecedar** · 03-28-2009, 11:26 AM

Three men went hunting in a dense forest. As one of them was crossing a fallen log, he tripped, dropped his rifle, and shot himself. The other two ran quickly to their unconscious friend and saw that his chest was covered with blood. Walt turned to Stan and said, "We gotta get Elmer to da hospital quick or he's gonna die."

"How 'er we gonna carry 'em?" Stan asked. "Why Elmer, he weighs a good two hunnert pounds."

"He!! Stan! That ain't nuttin'," assured Walt. "We carry bucks out bigge 'n 'at, all da time. We kin do it da same way." Walt was right.

In no time, they were pulling their 4x4 up to the emergency room door, and doctors, nurses and orderlies rushed Elmer inside. A while later, one of the doctors gave the two worried friends the bad news, "Your friend didn't make it." Walt said, "Yeah, I thought dat gunshot hit 'em in da heart."

"No," said the doctor. "The bullet actually went above the heart and through the shoulder. His chest was only covered with blood, but he might have been able to survive that."

"Darn-it Stan! I told ya we shouldn't a tied 'em to da hood. All dem tree branches smackin' into 'em for da first five miles probably beat 'em to death!"

"No," said the doctor. "His clothes were ripped to shreds and his body was covered with lacerations, but he might have been able to survive that, too.'

"See, Walt! I kept tellin' ya to hold your end up higher 'cause dat sapling was too thin. When we tied his hands and legs to it, his head kept hittin' da rocks and logs. An' I'm sure he drowned when we crossed dat crick."

"You was da one dat dropped your end of the pole when you fell off dat rock. Poor old Elmer musta been unner water a whole minute while you was fumbling around with that pole an' fallin' all over yaself."

"Now fellas," said the doctor. "Elmer's skull was cracked and he did have massive head injuries. But he didn't drown, and he might have been able to survive that, too."

Stan and Walt looked at each other with puzzled expressions, then asked the doctor, "Den what wuz it?" The doctor thought for a few moments and said, "My guess is that the field dressing probably had a lot to do with it."

**tennecedar** · 03-28-2009, 11:32 AM

Two men were on an Alaskan bear hunt. On season opening morning, a light snow fell, and one man stayed in the cabin while the other man went out hunting. He soon found a huge grizzly and shot at it, but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward the hunter, he dropped his rifle, and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over the man and went rolling into the cabin.

The guy jumped up, closed the cabin door, and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

**Alpine_Sapper** · 03-28-2009, 02:25 PM

Originally Posted by tennecedar

Saint Peter stood at the Pearly Gates of Heaven as three men stood in line waiting to enter. Saint Peter said to the first man in line, "Before I let you in, I have to ask you a question. What was your I.Q.?"

The man answered, "180." Saint Peter replied, "What were you? A rocket scientist?" "Yes, sir," the man answered. "Okay, go on in," said Saint Peter.

The next man came up to Saint Peter. Peter asked the same question of him. "160," replied the second man. "What were you, a brain surgeon?" Peter asked the man. "Yes, sir." He was allowed in, too.

The third man came forward and was asked the same question. "68," he replied. "Well." said Saint Peter. "Did you get your deer?"

ha...ha ha...ha ha ha...ha h..oh wait, it's not funny. *sigh* *shrug*

/me walks away mumbling about needing a target for sighting in a new .270.

**Alpine_Sapper** · 03-28-2009, 02:26 PM

Originally Posted by tennecedar

Two men were on an Alaskan bear hunt. On season opening morning, a light snow fell, and one man stayed in the cabin while the other man went out hunting. He soon found a huge grizzly and shot at it, but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward the hunter, he dropped his rifle, and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over the man and went rolling into the cabin.

The guy jumped up, closed the cabin door, and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

Now THAT was effin funny.

**Ken** · 03-29-2009, 12:45 PM

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,'You died in your sleep, Ralph.

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back,and that is as a chicken.' Ralph was devastated, but begged St.. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg be fore?' 'Never,' said Ralph. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood..

He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack onthe back of his head, and heard his wife yell..... 'Ralph! Wake up. You sh*t the bed!'

**tennecedar** · 03-30-2009, 01:23 AM

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"No," the second guy says."Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead,"the first guy says.
"Oh," says the second guy.A couple of minutes later, The first guy says,
"Did you see that?""See what?" the second guy asks.
"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there.""Oh."
A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"
By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"
And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

**Pict** · 03-30-2009, 08:58 AM

Here's one from Brazil...

A man was unemployed and saw that the Rio De Janeiro zoo was hiring workers. He stood in line with the the other 4000 applicants and waited his turn. After the interview all of the jobs he wanted were taken. The Administrator of the zoo took him side and confided in him.

"Today our gorilla died and we can't get another one. If you want we can can dress you up in a gorilla suit and you can live in his cage. He really is our main attraction and we can't afford to loose him. The money is good and all you have to do is hang out and act like a gorilla."

The man was overjoyed and took the job. Soon he found out that the more antics he did the more people would come back and watch. He took to doing tricks and acrobatics. The crowds grew larger and larger and the zoo never had so many visitors. This only spurred him on to do more.

One day he was trying to do another back flip off the side bars, lost his footing and fell headlong into the lion habitat. Worse, he broke his arm and couldn't climb back out. The lion took notice of his predicament and started to pace back and forth. The man got nervous and tried to crawl for cover but there was none. The lion paced frantically back and forth and let out a growl. The crowd pressed their faces to the bars, the lion crawled closer and crouched, cameras flashed. The lion roared...

The man could take it no longer, no job was worth dying for. "Help, Help!", he screamed.

"Shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!", said the lion.

Mac

**ArmedGeek** · 04-02-2009, 04:44 AM

This guy comes home, flings open the front door and shouts, "Honey, I won the lottery. Pack your bags."
Wife says, "Oh, that's wonderful. Should I pack for warm weather or cool weather ?"

Guy says, "I don't care, just get the **** out!"

**crashdive123** · 04-02-2009, 07:13 AM

ArmedGeek - You have won the lottery as well. Your prize? You get to go here and tell us a bit about yourself.

**Jay** · 04-02-2009, 08:45 AM

Crash...you get more devious with each passing day! nicely done!

**Revelation1412** · 04-02-2009, 02:54 PM

I love a good joke!

**Sarge47** · 04-05-2009, 10:23 AM

Very Short Story

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells out window, BI*CH!
Man rounds next curve.
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought For the Day:
If men would just listen

**Sarge47** · 04-05-2009, 10:25 AM

PUNishment
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals were eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says
Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.

12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

**Sarge47** · 04-05-2009, 10:27 AM

The Ostrich.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind
him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be
$9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

**MatthewnOK** · 04-05-2009, 02:12 PM

These are second hand, and both true stories.
I was watching a bluegrass show lost week and the lead singer told us a joke.
His mother was a full blood cherokee. One day she called him and his three brothers to their sofa. She said, "Boys I want to impart some Indian wisdom to you." So he asked her swhat she meant. She replied "Don't ever drink a glass of tea before you go to bed." The children asked her why. She said, "If you do, someday you make wake up in your teapee..." I write the 2nd one later