Joke of the day.

[Ken]

LMAO

I see you were taking the lawyer jokes personally and started an attack on engineers, I figured it was targeted at me, so test my theory I updated my profile. I was correct in your responses.

My degree in Mechanical Engineering, my specific current role is in an central role working with 32 factories on coming up with equipment design improvements.

Didn't mean to make you mad, really. Jokes are jokes, my intent was not to upset you.

C'mon! I wasn't mad! I love lawyer jokes. Keep 'em coming! I already copied them into "Word." I had some of those engineer jokes because I'll e-mail 'em to my son's Blackberry once in a while. He's an engineer, too. Civil and Environmental. WPI - '08. Now he can pay for his own gas for his weekly hiking trips up north.

[Rick]

Oh, yea. A kid graduating college is like dad getting a raise. Sweet!

[Ken]

Oh, yea. A kid graduating college is like dad getting a raise. Sweet!

One Down! Two to go. Just two more years!

[crashdive123]

I think I may have posted this before, but I like it.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet about the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[Ken]

Crash, that one's getting e-mailed to my kid within the next minute. Thanks!

[crashdive123]

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole! The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

[RunsWithDeer]

Three women at the doctors office. The first one goes in to see the doctor. When the doctor goes to examine her he notices a big Y on her chest.
The doctor asks, " Why do you have a big Y on your chest?"

She replies, " Well, my boyfriend went to Yale and when we make love he likes to wear his college sweater."

The doctor nods and continues on with the next patient. When he examines her he notices a big H on her chest.

Again, the doctor asks, " How did you get a big H on your chest?" The woman replies " My husband went to Harvard and when we make love he likes to wear his college sweater."

The doctors just nods his head and continues on with the last patient. As he examines her he notices once again that this woman also has a letter on her chest. A large M.

He says, " Dont tell me, your boyfriend went to Michigan?"

"NO" replies the patient " But my girlfriend went to Wisconsin"

[Rick]

(taking out paper and pencil) Okay, kids. This right here is Wisconsin ...

[wareagle69]

so do you know how to stay full in the bush?
just walk around in circles until you are fed up.....

[Beans]

Originally Posted by RunsWithDeer
LMAO

I see you were taking the lawyer jokes personally and started an attack on engineers, I figured it was targeted at me, so test my theory I updated my profile. I was correct in your responses.

My degree in Mechanical Engineering, my specific current role is in an central role working with 32 factories on coming up with equipment design improvements.

Didn't mean to make you mad, really. Jokes are jokes, my intent was not to upset you.

C'mon! I wasn't mad! I love lawyer jokes. Keep 'em coming! I already copied them into "Word." I had some of those engineer jokes because I'll e-mail 'em to my son's Blackberry once in a while. He's an engineer, too. Civil and Environmental. WPI - '08. Now he can pay for his own gas for his weekly hiking trips up north.

You do realize that there are ONLY two lawyer jokes. Everything else is real

[Ken]

Ernie was playing in a big pile of horse crap, when a Marine Corps PFC saw him and said "Ernie what are you doing with that horse crap? Ernie replied "I'm making a Marine Corps PFC."

The PFC ran off and got his Corporal. The Corporal said "Ernie what are you doing? Ernie looked at him, grabbed some more horse crap and said "I'm making a Marine Corps Corporal."

The Corporal ran off and got his Sergeant ... the Sergeant said "Ernie what are you doing? Ernie looked at him, grabbed some more horse crap, and said "I'm making a Marine Corps Sergeant."

The Sergeant ran off to get his Lieutenant. The Lieutenant said "Ernie what are you doing? Ernie looked up at him and said I'm making a Marine Corps Sergeant." The Lieutenant looked at him with pride and said "I thought you were going to say you were making a Marine Corps Lieutenant"

Ernie looked at him and said "No Sir, I don't have enough horse crap!"

[Rick]

The Chicago Black Hawks foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play hockey in the new American sponsored league, and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US.

The coach signs him to a one year contract and the kid joins the team for the preseason.

Two weeks later the Hawks are down 4-0 to the Red Wings with only 10 minutes left. Mike Babcock gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the Hawks! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the ice he phones his mom to tell her about his first day of NHL hockey. "Hello mom, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 10 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."

The young Iraqi is very upset. "What can I say mom, but I'm so sorry."

Sorry? You're sorry?!!" says his mom, "It's your fault we moved to Chicago in the first place!"

[crashdive123]

Now that there's funny. I don't care who you are.

[tennecedar]

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "He!! no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.
Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."
"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."
The old woman fainted.

[Sarge47]

A Very Mad Blonde

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night
he's doing a show in a small town in Florida with his dummy
on his knee, he starts going through his
usual routine that includes blonde jokes .
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her
chair and starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does
the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human
being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at
work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a
person because you and your kind discriminate against blondes ,and all in
the name of humor!'
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and
the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking
to that little turd on your knee'.

[Rick]

A farmer pulls a prank on Easter Sunday. After the egg hunt, he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly colored one.

Minutes later, the rooster walks in. He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats up the peacock.

[Ken]

1. How many moderators does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. They think the world revolves around them.

2. Why don't moderators like making Kool-Aid? Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

3. Why did the moderator climb the glass wall? To see what was on the other side.

4. What do moderators and cow pies have in common? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

5. Why do moderators like tilt steering wheels? More head room!

6. Why don't moderators eat pickles? Because they get their heads stuck in the jar.

7. Why do moderators wear panties? To keep their ankles warm.

8. What do moderators say after making love? "are you boys all on the same team?"

9. What's the mating call for a brunette? "has the moderator gone home yet?"

10. Why do moderators wash their hair in the sink? That's where you wash vegetables.

11. Why does moderators have TGIF written on their boots? "Toes Go In First."

12. What do moderators and beer bottles have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.

13. How do you give a moderator a brain transplant? Blow in his ear.

14. What do you call a zit on a moderator's butt? A brain tumor.

15. How do you make a moderator laugh on a Monday morning?
Tell him a joke on a Friday afternoon.

[Rick]

I feel an abuse of power coming on.

[Ken]

I feel an abuse of power coming on.

No worries. It's probably just gas.

[Sarge47]

Okay, who snitched to the mouthpiece? Someone's been talking, otherwise how could he know all of that? BTW, Know how to save a drowning lawyer? Throw 'em an anvil! It won't save them but it beautifies the country!