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Thread: Poopin' in the woods.

  1. #1
    missing in action trax's Avatar
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    Default what a crappy subject.

    welll, oh my GOD! where to start?

    If you don't like pooping in the woods, you may want to re-visit all the previous plans you've shared with us.

    Really need a seat? Hang your a$$ over a deadfall.

    Shaving? do bears or wolves? I think not.

    There's a specific kind of moss that makes very good TP, it's long n' stringy and works best if you can dry it and weave it. Indians invented the 1st disposal diapers and sanitary napkins with the stuff.

    Maple leaves (much as I hate to do that to my national emblem...not) are considered primo tp by those in the know.

    You can squeeze yourself between two forks in a tree until you force the waste material out if you really have to, wolverines do it.
    some fella confronted me the other day and asked "What's your problem?" So I told him, "I don't have a problem I am a problem"


  2. #2
    missing in action trax's Avatar
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    that was as far as I could go without saying something I might regret later, lol.
    some fella confronted me the other day and asked "What's your problem?" So I told him, "I don't have a problem I am a problem"

  3. #3

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    ROTFLMAO!!!!
    If anybody, and I do mean ANYBODY expects to shave my butt, I've lost total control of the situation. Let alone burning them off. I just don't see how any one person can do that. I won't be bending over for that one.

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    Senior Member nell67's Avatar
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    LOL ! This has brought very bad pictures to my mind right now,you gotta stop my mind is too feeble to handle that!
    Soular powered by the son.

    Nell, MLT (ASCP)

  5. #5
    missing in action trax's Avatar
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    Default here's a thought

    It would certainly make for a far more diligent scrutiny of people applying to be scout troop leaders wouldn't it?

    "OK, guys! Everyone bend over, we're going hiking in the woods this afternoon and this is a necessary preemptive measure...."
    some fella confronted me the other day and asked "What's your problem?" So I told him, "I don't have a problem I am a problem"

  6. #6
    Senior Member nell67's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by trax View Post
    It would certainly make for a far more diligent scrutiny of people applying to be scout troop leaders wouldn't it?

    "OK, guys! Everyone bend over, we're going hiking in the woods this afternoon and this is a necessary preemptive measure...."
    OH MY!!!LOL!
    Soular powered by the son.

    Nell, MLT (ASCP)

  7. #7
    Senior Member LadyTrapper's Avatar
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    OMG.. this is hilarious!
    ~Earth receives foot and paw, hoof and claw with equal grace. But it is the way of the wild not to overstep...let's leave no trace that wind, rain and snow cannot erase~

  8. #8
    Bush Master MCBushbaby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Otay View Post
    1. I don't like squatting in the woods to poop. I want to know how to make some kind of seat from wood that I can sit on and do my business. I know while hiking you gotta do what u gotta do and don't have time to make one but say you get to a spot where you're going to be for a while? Any ideas on that? You can do a number of things: find an overhanging branch and dangle (best if the branch is low enough to seat-dangle while reaching the ground with your feet), lean against a tree (takes some strong hamstrings after a while), sit with your tailbone on a downed log, etc. Whatever makes you comfortable.

    2. What kinds of things to use as Toilet Paper? I've heard sticks, smooth stones, leaves (not poison ivy like my boss used a few months ago lol), moss. Anyone know any more good things to use? I always bring a roll just because it's more comfortable

    3. Shaving ones butt hair? I read that if you have hair in your crack that it's a good idea to buzz cut it off so the poop don't stick to it and thus is easier for you to wipe yourself clean after a BM. Any thoughts on how to do this solo when it grows back if a person is in the wilderness for a long time? I was thinking of burning it off with fire. Hair burns quick so maybe I could hold a flame under my butt and burn off the hair, I'd have to be quick so as not to burn my skin or maybe thats just a dumb idea i don't know. Ew?

    4. Washing my hands? Ok lets say I have no soap and I just got done emptying my colon. Lets also say I got some on my hand, now I don't want to have hands smelling like feces, so what do I do? I heard washing in a stream with sand or dirt will get your hands clean but I'm worried about having Mr. Hankey hands. Does washing with dirt/sand really get the smell to go away? I heard you can make soap from the ashes from your campfire anyone know how to do that? I think you need to reevaluate how you are wiping if your hands are coming out as "mr hankey hands"

    5. To bury or not to bury? There are conflicting ideologies about this. I hear the bacteria lives longer underground, but that leaving it above ground is just stinky business, what do most of you recommend? Always bury. It's poor taste to leave your dookie sitting out

    In my day to day life I use baby wipes. Laugh if you want, but after you're done taking your next crap, after you've wiped with toilet paper and think your butt is clean, then take a couple baby wipes and wipe it, then you'll realize you've just been smearing it all these years instead of cleaning it.
    You may not want to go into the outdoors if your so fickle about your waste production. Baby wipes? Shaving your ***? It seems neurotic to me, no offense.
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  9. #9
    Senior Member wareagle69's Avatar
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    ok better let the plumber handle this one... wait i can't stop laughing i am sorry but otay are you the guy who wants to dissappear into the wilderness come on bud your sh** out of luck here ... get it sh** out of luck gosh i crack my self up oh wait now i said crack ha ha ha ha ha ha.

  10. #10
    missing in action trax's Avatar
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    Default please stop....

    Hey the dude asked a serious question you guys, no need to s**t on him for it....
    some fella confronted me the other day and asked "What's your problem?" So I told him, "I don't have a problem I am a problem"

  11. #11

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    Poopin' in the woods,
    I'm poopin' in the woods....

    (sung to the tune of "Singin' In The Rain")

    Now there's something else I can't get out of my head.
    Sorry,,I can't help it. This is funny.

  12. #12

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    I sincerely hope that the OP had humor in mind at least some. If not,,,, Lord, I apologize and bless the little pygmies down there in New Guinea. Git Er Done.

  13. #13
    missing in action trax's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SemperParatus View Post
    Poopin' in the woods,
    I'm poopin' in the woods....

    (sung to the tune of "Singin' In The Rain")
    "what a glo--rious feelin'

    I knew that I could...."

    (just laugin' and poopin' in the wooods..."

    Nice, SP, catchy, I like it...
    some fella confronted me the other day and asked "What's your problem?" So I told him, "I don't have a problem I am a problem"

  14. #14
    Super-duper Moderator Sarge47's Avatar
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    Talking Ten-Hutt!

    Okay! Knock that CRAP off or you'll all drop and give me 50! Why are you all givin' poor ole' Otay CRAP for anyway! The man's got a serious concern, and it's obvious he's not a Marine! BTW, there really is a book titled: "How To S**t In The Woods." Don't remember the author though. I think he was kinda ANAL! In the Scouts we just squatted over a hole in the ground. But then the Scouts are a tough bunch! By the way, does Bic make "disposable butt-hair razors"? What about all the other guys in the woods you might be hangin' with and they see you shavin' your butt? Wouldn't that send a "Brokeback Mountain" kinda message. Now I gotta get that stupid song outta my head! Doggone you guys!
    SARGE
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  15. #15
    Senior Member wareagle69's Avatar
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    50 what sarge 50 pieces of crap paper 50 seconds of squattn 50 disposable razors?

  16. #16
    missing in action trax's Avatar
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    Default gee

    I hope that's all Sarge wanted
    some fella confronted me the other day and asked "What's your problem?" So I told him, "I don't have a problem I am a problem"

  17. #17
    Tracker Beo's Avatar
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    Okay... Otay, first you wanna lick on frogs, then you wanna shower in pee, now your not poop'n in the woods... lol. You can do the first two but not the last? what's wrong don't thiink your sh*t stinks...lol... too good to poop 'n the woods!!!!?
    There is no greater solitude than that of the Tracker in the forest, unless perhaps it's that of the wolf in the wilderness.

  18. #18
    missing in action trax's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Beowulf65 View Post
    Okay... Otay, first you wanna lick on frogs, then you wanna shower in pee, now your not poop'n in the woods... lol. You can do the first two but not the last? what's wrong don't thiink your sh*t stinks...lol... too good to poop 'n the woods!!!!?
    Somehow, I knew he'd have another perspective LMAO....
    some fella confronted me the other day and asked "What's your problem?" So I told him, "I don't have a problem I am a problem"

  19. #19

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    Yeah but,,still,,ya gotta admit. That was just too good to just let it pass. Sorry if we made you the butt of our jokes. We probably shouldn't have even made most of those cracks. Hope everything comes out ok for you.

  20. #20
    Senior Member wareagle69's Avatar
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    Default actually

    it's all the body hair that traps the scent...
    you do ask allot of interesting questions nothing wrong with that otay. at least your thinking. i myself like the baby wipes too when i was dating this feature girl she started me on that, especially if you ain't been showering for a couple of days when out in the bush hygeine is often very important to your health so jest as we might(and must) you just keep on having the courage to be honest and brave..

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