we cant talk about politics & religion. sooo lets talk about somthing totally different! ummm any suggestions? :)
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we cant talk about politics & religion. sooo lets talk about somthing totally different! ummm any suggestions? :)
You left out football! ;>)Quote:
Originally Posted by Go_army2
hey your right football politics and religion! anything esle please people :)
How about jokes? nobody can say they don't like to laugh! You go ahead and give us your best one since this is your thread.
sure ummmm this is pretty sad, i dont know any jokes or none of them are coming to mind right noiw :)
One i think is funny:
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the Parish. A leading Senator and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had and affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the republican senator arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE!
That was a good one! Here's a short one that I like, you may have heard it before. Newspaper headline: Thieves steal toilet seats from local police station! Cops got nothing to go on!
HA! Nice One !!
Glad you liked it, here's a longer one.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tony uk
John was given a parrot as a gift, however the parrot had a really bad attitude and was rudely obnoxious & used profanity constantly. John tried to change the bird's 'tude by always using polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of; nothing worked.
Finally John had enough & yelled at the parrot, but the bird only yelled back. John shook the parrot but the bird only got angrier & ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, John put the bird in his freezer.
The Bird squawked, kicked & screamed for a bit, then went completely quiet. John, fearing he'd hurt the bird, quickly opened the freezer. The bird quickly stepped out onto John's arm and said: "I believe that I've offended you with my rude behavior & language. I'm truly sorry will change my ways as of this moment!"
John was amazed. As he started to ask the parrot why the dramatic change in attitude, the parrot looked back into the freezer and asked nervously: "What'd the chicken do?"
HA!!
There was this cat who loved to get drunk, who went to the bar on the other side of the tracks.
He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up, much less walk.
The cat starts to stumble home, and when he came to the train tracks, he didn't notice a train coming down the tracks.
As he started to cross the tracks, the train zoomed by, and cut off his tail. The cat turned his head to see the damage, got his head stuck into the side of a speeding box car, and is instantly decapitated. The moral of the story — don't lose your head over a piece of tail!
Who says Scots don't have a sense of humor?Quote:
Originally Posted by Tony uk
Well, we have more than our English friends,, I cant think of anymore
Wait go one
Q) What was the name of the bomber who attacked Glasgow Airport
A) Singemajeep (Singe-ma-jeep)
Sorry, I missed the humor on that one. Here's one that I like, An American, an Englishman, & a Scotsman found a large treasure chest full of gold. They immediately agreed that they should give some of the money to God but couldn't agree on how to divide the wealth. The American suggested that they draw a circle in the dirt, throw the money up in the air, & give God any of it that fell outside of the circle. The Englishman wanted to give God the money that fell inside the circle. Finally the Scotsman says: "Why don't we just throw all of the money up in the air & let God take what He wants?"Quote:
Originally Posted by Tony uk
HA!!! Sounds like something that we would do :D
Yeah my last one is pritty weak, its just something i remember from somewhere :(
By the way, Tony, there's nothing wrong with being frugal. The joke was funny from a certain perspective, however the only person who could find something wrong with someone else being "tight-fisted" is someone who's financially ir-reponsible. Money's too hard to come by!Quote:
Originally Posted by Tony uk
Three scientists with nothing better to do decided to find out what would happen if you put a cork in a pigeons butt.
1st Scientist: I'm not doing it!
2nd Scientist: Not me!
3rd Scientist: We'll train a monkey to do it.
So two years and hundreds of thousands of dollars later they had a very professional cork sticking monkey and a one ton pigeon.
They began to wonder what would happen if they took out the cork.
1st Scientist: I'm not doing it!
2nd Scientist: Not me!
3rd Scientist: We'll train a monkey to do it.
So two years and a few hundred thousand dollars later they had a very professional cork sticking/pulling monkey and a two ton pigeon and the day to pull it had come. The scientists put the monkey in the cage and showed it where the cork was and everything went black. Two of the scientists never spoke again, and all the third could say was "Our poor monkey! He tried to put the cork back in!"
HA!! Very Good One :D
Unfortunately I can't make it as funny on the computer as my friend telling it, I was laughing so hard the first time I heard him tell it I was crying!
Anybody else have any jokes? And come on, who doesn't?
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