"Men's Guide to Marriage" by I. M. Woman
Written by a wife.
- If you absolutely MUST fart in bed, it is not necessary to lift the covers up and down.
- If you hear your wife gagging, please take a gas pill.
- If your wife becomes unconscious, please call 911. (i.e. she won't wake up.)
- She'll get you a beer, if you buy her dinner.
- Please send your wife a card now and then, or buy flowers. ("Now and then" means every week.)
- Opening a door then letting it slam in your wife's face is not what women's liberation is about. She appreciates it when you hold the door.
- When your buddies are over, it is not necessary to burp as loudly as possible so the neighbors can hear you. If you must notify the neighbors you have burped, please use the telephone.
- Please don't scratch your sac or "rearrange the furniture" when we have company over.
- If you must scratch your belly button, please don't smell your fingers afterwards. That's just gross.
- I'll get you a beer if you just shut the f*** up about my new shoes.